Ed Wood
ED (inspired) I gotta type this up, while it’s still fresh!
Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page, and starts typing.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE – DAY
We’re outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible. He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD.
ED Excuse me, I’m here to see Mr. Feldman.
The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking oil.
GUARD What’s your name?
ED Edward D. Wood, Junior.
The man frowns. He looks through his files — then finds a parking slip with Ed’s name. He is surprised.
GUARD Oh. Eh, he’s in the Executive Building. You can park in the reserved section.
Ed smiles.
INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM – DAY
The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors. Ed sits nervously under posters for “GRAND HOTEL” and “QUO VADIS.” Film cans labled “Glen Or Glenda” rest in his lap.
SECRETARY Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now.
She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open.
INT. OFFICE
Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over- caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling.
MR. FELDMAN Mr. Ward, it’s a delight to meet you.
ED (shaking his hand) It’s Wood. Ed Wood.
MR. FELDMAN Wood? Ward? Wood. (puzzled, he glances at his appointment book) Hey, what do you know. It is Wood. Dang secretaries, you can never get a good one. Right?
Ed shrugs. Feldman grins.
MR. FELDMAN So what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans.
ED Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have resumes to show. I’ve got my own movie.
MR. FELDMAN Really?! Well good for you.
ED I just made this picture, over at Screen Classics. It opens next week.
MR. FELDMAN Screen Classics? Hmm, don’t know them.
ED Nobody in town has seen it, so I’m givin’ you first crack at my talents.
MR. FELDMAN I can’t wait to take a look. (he claps his hands) So what’s up next?
Ed leans in.
ED Well, Mr. Feldman, I don’t believe in thinking small. So I’ve got a whole slate of pictures for you: “The Vampire’s Tomb,” “The Ghoul Goes West”… and “Doctor Acula”!
MR. FELDMAN Doctor Acula? I don’t get it.
ED Dr. Acula!
Ed writes it out, “DR. ACULA,” then waves it in Feldman’s face. Feldman nods.
MR. FELDMAN Oh, “Dr. Acula.” I get it. (beat) I don’t like it.
ED But Bela Lugosi’s in it!
MR. FELDMAN Lugosi’s washed-up. What else you got?
Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps.
ED Well… I’ve got another project I wasn’t gonna tell you about. Lugosi’s in it, but he’s got a smaller part. The lead is an ingenue, a sterling young actress named Dolores Fuller. The title is “Bride Of The Atom.”
MR. FELDMAN Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like it. (he smiles) I’ll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don’t you leave those film cans, and my associates and I will take a look at your little opus. Maybe we can do business together.
Ed is elated.
INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM – DAY
Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush screening room. They are viewing “Glen Or Glenda.”
ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie speaks:
SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.) “Give this man satin undies, a dress, and a sweater… and he’s the happiest man in the world. He can work better, think better, even play better — and be more of a credit to his community and his government.”
ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES
They are stupefied. Yikes!
EXECUTIVE #1 What the hell is this?!
EXECUTIVE #2 Is this an actual movie?!
EXECUTIVE #1 It can’t be.
EXECUTIVE #2 It’s fuckin’ ridiculous!
Feldman squints at the screen.
FELDMAN Wait a minute. That guy in the dress — he’s the one I met with today! This must be a big PUT-ON! (he CHUCKLES) It’s probably another one of Billy Wellman’s practical jokes!
Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND – DAY
Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a “Los Angeles Herald-Express,” eagerly opens it to the entertainment pages… and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts rifling through the pages — something is wrong.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Ed angrily shouts into the phone.
ED Georgie, what happened?! I thought “Glen Or Glenda” was opening next week! Where’s the ads?
An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears.
GEORGIE (pissed-off) “Where’s the ads”?! The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You schmuck, it ain’t gonna play L.A.!
ED Why not??
GEORGIE Because I can’t sell it to save my life! You made a goddamn feathered fish. Is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows! I’m beggin’ people to book it.
ED (insulted) Maybe it needs special handling.
GEORGIE Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more money into different titles: “Transvestite” “He Or She?” “I Led Two Lives”… It DOESN’T MATTER! Nobody wants to see the piece of shit.
ED You can’t talk that way about my movie.
GEORGIE “Your movie”?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I hadn’t blown every dime I ever made into this stinkbomb. If I ever see you again, I’ll kill you!!!
Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off, leaving Ed standing alone.
Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up.
CUT TO:
INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The crowd CHEERS raucously. We’re at the Saturday Night Wrestling Matches!
In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny’s new YOUNG MALE “FRIEND.” Seated around them are hollering truckers and ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed.
BUNNY So guess where I’m going next weekend?
ED I don’t know. Where?
BUNNY Mexico! And guess what I’m going to do there?!
ED (not enjoying this game) I dunno. Lie on the beach?
BUNNY WRONG! I’m getting my first series of hormone shots! And once those babies kick in, they’re gonna remove my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN!
Ed is astonished.
ED Jesus! Are you serious?
BUNNY Yes! I’ve dreamed of it for years, but your movie made me realize I’ve got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS!
The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face.
DOLORES Ssh! Will you keep it down?
The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth.
RING ANNOUNCER (amplified) Now entering the ring, in the gold trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of pure strength, the “Swedish Angel”… Tor Johnson!!!
The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from the SHOUTING.
Ed’s eyes are the size of saucers.
ED My God, look at that guy. He’s a mountain!
The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes.
