Ed Wood

ED And PERFECT. CUT!

REYNOLDS (freaking out) “Perfect”? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?!

ED I like to think so.

REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony!

ED People won’t notice. Filmmaking isn’t about picky details — it’s about the big picture.

REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the “big picture”?! How ’bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it’s suddenly night???

Ed suddenly flips out. He’s livid.

ED YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven’t you ever heard of “suspension of disbelief”?!

A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists,

STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I’m here.

ED (baffled) Who’s he?

REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He’s gonna play the young hero.

ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I’m the director! I make the casting decisions around here!

REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort.

ED NOOOOO!!!

Ed spastically storms away.

INT. DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME

Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized.

ED They’re driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID!

Ed glances at a clothing rack — and sees an ANGORA SWEATER.

Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows.

ED Mmm. I need to calm… Take deep breaths… (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it’s so smooth…

INT. SOUNDSTAGE – SAME TIME

The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease.

The stage quiets. People are staring.

ED Okay, everyone! Let’s set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor’s make-up effect.

The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast.

REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you’re doing?!

ED I’m directing.

REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you’re not!

REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord.

Ed throws up his hands.

ED That’s it. I give up!

CUT TO:

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY

Ed frantically marches out of the building. He’s still in his ladies’ outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly.

The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in.

ED Take me to the nearest bar.

CUT TO:

INT. MUSSO & FRANKS – DAY

The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar.

ED Imperial whiskey, straight up.

The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day.

Ed glances around. And then, suddenly — his eyes widen.

Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other.

Ed is thunderstruck.

ED Oh my God. It’s Orson Welles…

Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward — when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He’s still in drag.

ED Oh shit.

Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified.

ED Excuse me, Sir…?

ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes?

ED Uh, uh, I’m a young filmmaker, and a really big fan… and I just wanted to meet you.

ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I’m Orson Welles.

ED Oh. Um, I’m Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now?

ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on “Don Quixote.” So I’m trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can’t find the soundtrack — (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta.

Ed is astonished.

ED I can’t believe it. These sound like my problems!

ORSON WELLES It’s the damn money men. You never know who’s a windbag, and who’s got the goods. And then they all think they’re a director…

ED Ain’t that the truth! I’ve even bad producers recut my movies —

ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens.

ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies — it doesn’t even matter if they’re right for the part!

ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I’m supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican!

Ed shakes his head. He’s discouraged.

ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it?

ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? “Kane.” The studio hated it… but they didn’t get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else’s dreams?

CLOSEUP – ED

He has seen God.

ED Wow.

CUT TO:

INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY

Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists.

ED Mr. Reynolds!

REYNOLDS Yes?

ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can’t compromise an artist’s vision!

REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it’s our money —

ED And you’re gonna make a bundle. This movie’s gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way!

Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess.