Ed Wood
ED But there’s plenty of other parts.
DOLORES Like what?!
ED (nervous) The secretary. Or the file clerk.
Dolores is stunned.
DOLORES YOU ASSHOLE!
She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
The sets are being erected for “Bride Of The Atom”! The crew hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises. He has a large band-aid on his head.
ED This is gonna be Bela’s laboratory, so it should be real impressive! Like one of those mad scientist movies. I want beakers, and test tubes, and one of those electrical things that buzzes!
BUNNY You mean a Tesla coil?
ED If you say so.
Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script.
TOR Edvard! I haf question ’bout script. My vife Greta, she read. And she no like.
ED Really? Was the third act too intense?
TOR (trying to be polite) No. She tink Lobo is waste of my time. Lobo don’t talk.
ED But Tor, it’s a starring part! You’re second billed.
TOR Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk. But Tor, he no talk.
Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this.
ED Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look at the classic film actors, who are they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They didn’t talk! They did it all with their face.
TOR (still bothered) But Greta say —
Loretta walks over, holding two dresses.
LORETTA Eddie, which dress do you like better?
ED I don’t know. (he yells o.s.) Hey Bill, which dress is better for you, the green or the red one?
Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints.
CAMERAMAN BILL Which one is the red one?
ED (confused) What do you mean?
CAMERAMAN BILL I mean I can’t see the difference. I’m color-blind. (beat) But I like the dark gray one.
WIPE TO:
LATER
The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set.
ED ACTION!
Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses, the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction through a megaphone.
ED Okay, you’re Dr. Eric Vornoff. You’re upset. You’ve worked so hard on this experisent, and you don’t want to see it fail. (Bela stops, to “emote”) No, you’re not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Bela exits) Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT!
Ed claps his hands triumphantly.
ED Alright, let’s go immediately to Scene 52. Tor, are you in place?
TOR’S VOICE Yah.
ED Okay, CUE RAINSTORM!
Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can.
ED And roll camera! ACTION!
Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door. Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone.
ED Okay, you’re Lobo. You’re upset. You’ve worked so hard helping Dr. Vornoff on this experiment, and you don’t want to see it fail. (Tor stops, to “emote”) No, you’re not that upset. You want to keep moving. You wanna cross the room. (Tor exits) Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT!
OFF STAGE
Bela talks to Tor.
BELA At Universal, they shot two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty or thirty! He’s incredible.
BACK ON SET
Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed.
CAMERAMAN BILL Hey Ed, shouldn’t we do another take? Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the doorway.
ED No, it’s fine. It’s real! In actuality, Lobo would struggle with that problem every day.
WIPE TO:
LABORATORY SET – LATER
They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner.
ED Wow, this lab looks great. Except why is there a stove and refrigerator?
PAUL MARCO We couldn’t afford any more props. If it seems weird, maybe you can add a scene where they eat dinner.
ED Nah, it’ll work. Where’s Bela?
Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him.
ED Bela, are you ready?
BELA (he groggily wakes up) Mmph? Where am I?
ED You’re shooting “Bride Of The Atom.” Scene 85.
Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them.
Ed walks Bela onto the lab set.
ED You’ll be sitting on the right.
BELA (he glares at the sparking Tesla coils) I’m not getting near that goddamn thing. One of those burned me on “The Return Of Chandu.”
ED Okay. Then you’ll be sitting on the left.
Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown.
ED Here’s the scene. Loretta, you’re in a trance. You glide in and get on the operating table. Now Tor, you’re supposed to tie her down. But you have an angora fetish… and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse so Bela has to discipline you.
TOR Okey-dokey.
WIPE TO:
SHOOTING – LATER
The scene begins.
ED ACTION!
BELA (as VORNOFF) “Now we are ready for the girl.”
Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a zombie, she climbs onto the operating table.
BELA “Dear, you are a woman of super strength and beauty. A lovely vision of exquisitely beauty — shit!” (he breaks character) Damn! Eddie, I’m sorry I can’t remember all this. I’m an old man. It’s too long.
ED That’s fine, Bela. We’re still rolling. Just say “Dear, you’re lovely.”
BELA (he snaps back into character) “Dear, you’re lovely.” (he turns to Tor) “Strap her to the table.”
Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed, then suddenly refuses.
Bela is furious.
BELA “Do as I command you!” Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor. Tor screams in agony.
BELA “I’ll teach you to disobey me!” Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him.
ED And, CUT!!! Impeccable! ON TOR He dances about happily.
TOR I love being movie star! Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces.
LORETTA Ow. Not so hard, Tor.
ON ED
A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed.
SURLY STAGE MANAGER Hey, Wood. Your check bounced.
ED Okay, I’ll get you the money later.
SURLY STAGE MANAGER No. I need it NOW.
Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside.
ED Sorry to bother you while we’re shooting, but the guy who owns the stage needs his money.
