Ed Wood
ED And one roll of film.
The old guy gives Ed a tough look.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S HOUSE – DAY
Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat.
BELA This is so exciting. Another production!
WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn… is just Ed. With the camera.
BELA So Eddie, don’t we need a sound crew?
ED No, this is just the second unit. We’ll do the main footage later.
BELA Oh. So what is the scene about?
ED (improvising) Uh… you’re a very important and respected man. You’re leaving your house… and you’re in a hurry to a big social event.
Bela nods. He mulls this over.
BELA Okay. But what if I’m not in too big a hurry? What if I take a moment to slow down and savor the beauty of life? To smell a flower?
ED (he smiles) That’s great. Let’s do a take.
WIDE
Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then turns it ON.
ED Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene One, Take One! (pause) And… ACTION!
There’s a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm, dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about — and then something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower.
Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man slowly shuffles out of frame.
Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera.
ED And, cut…
BELA Eddie, how was I?
ED (quiet) Perfect.
Bela is pleased.
BELA Good. (beat) Now what about my close up?
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX – DUSK
Ed’s Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious boyishness we’ve never seen before.
Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a full skirt with a crinolin.
KATHY Oh, flowers! I didn’t know you were so traditional.
ED (a little embarrassed) I just picked them up on the way over…
KATHY They’re very nice. (she smiles sweetly) Let me get my coat.
EXT. CARNIVAL – NIGHT
Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of Ed’s flowers on her dress.
KATHY So have you always lived in L.A.?
ED No. I’m from back east. You know, All-American small town… everybody knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout, my dad worked for the post office…
KATHY Sounds like you lived in Grovers Corners.
INT. SPOOK HOUSE – NIGHT
Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house.
KATHY Did you find it boring?
ED Nah, ’cause I had my comic books. And I read pulp magazines. And I listened to the radio dramas…
A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it.
KATHY Oh. I loved those shows! “Inner Sanctum”… “The Shadow” —
ED (getting excited) Yeah! Don’t forget “Mercury Theatre”… And then every Saturday, I’d go to the little movie theater down the street. I even started ushering there.
A creaky GHOST flies overhead.
KATHY You’re not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw. Your friend’s.
ED What do you mean?
KATHY “Dracula.”
Ed freaks out.
ED That’s INCREDIBLE! That’s the first picture I ever saw!!
WIDE
Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them.
KATHY That is incredible! (beat) You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week after seeing that movie.
ED I had to sleep with the lights on for a month. (he smiles) But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that.
KATHY A few years ago, I actually saw him do “Dracula” live. I thought he was much scarier in person.
CLOSEUP – ED
He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome.
Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors.
EXT. SPOOK HOUSE – SAME TIME
Ed and Kathy’s little car comes to a stop. He gets very serious.
ED Kathy, I’m about to tell you something I’ve never told any girl on a first date. But I think it’s important that you know. (beat) I like to wear women’s clothes.
KATHY Huh?
ED I like to wear women’s clothes: Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps… it’s just something I do. And I can’t believe I’m telling you, but I really like you, and I don’t want it getting in the way down the road.
Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this.
KATHY Does this mean you don’t like sex with girls?
ED
No! I love sex with girls.
KATHY Oh. Okay.
ED (surprised) Okay?
Kathy slyly grins.
KATHY Okay.
Ed grins back. A moment.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S HOUSE – DAY
Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira.
ED (on phone) Vampira! Hi, it’s Ed Wood.
VAMPIRA (on phone) Ed, I told you, I don’t wanna go out!
ED No, don’t worry, I moved on. I was just calling to see if you want to attend the world premiere of my new film, “Bride Of The Monster.”
VAMPIRA (confused) Didn’t you just make one called “Bride Of The Atom”?
ED It’s the same film. But the distributor wanted a punchier title. C’mon! It’s gonna be a big event — we’re going all out! Bela, Tor, and Cris are coming. You’ll have fun!
Vampira rolls her eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run theater. A banner says “‘Bride Of The Monster’ World Premiere! Celebrities In Person!”
EXT. DARK CITY STREET – SAME TIME
An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street.
INT. HEARSE
Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in with him, along with bewildered Kathy.
Everyone is dressed in gaudy “scary” outfits. Tor wears his frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES.
TOR My eyes are killink me.
