Ed Wood
ED I don’t want anything. I’m just a really big, big fan. I’ve seen all your movies.
BELA Ha!
Bela strides out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – SAME TIME
Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him.
ED Why were you buying a coffin?
BELA Because I’m planning on dying soon.
ED (concerned) Really?
BELA Yes. I’m embarking on another bus- andtruck tour of “Dracula.” Twelve cities in ten days, if that’s conceivable.
Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it.
ED You know, I saw you perform “Dracula.” In Poughkeepsie, in 1938.
BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk!
ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie.
BELA Thank you.
ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside.
BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge.
A CITY BUS approaches.
BELA Oh, there’s my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where’s my transfer?!
ED Don’t you bave a car?
BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he’s about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea…
CUT TO:
INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER – DAY
Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar.
ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out?
BELA I have no next picture.
ED Ah, you gotta be jokin’! A great man like you… I’ll bet you have dozens of ’em lined up.
BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now — no one give two fucks for Bela.
Bela puffs on his oversized cigar.
ED But you’re a big star!
BELA No more. I haven’t worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I’m just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right.
EXT. BELA’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out.
BELA (bitter) They don’t want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it’s all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers — who would believe such nonsense!
ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons…
BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters.
ED The women?
BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
ED I never thought of that.
BELA Take my word for it. You want to “score” with a young lady, you take her to see “Dracula.”
Bela’s eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE… it’s awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal.
Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn’t say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily.
BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I’m not much of a housekeeper.
The dogs BARK louder.
BELA Shh! I’m coming! I will feed you!
ED Well… I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again?
BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me.
Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes.
CUT TO:
INT. DOLORES’S APARTMRNT – DAY
Dolores is in her 1950’s kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric.
ED Sweetie, you won’t believe it! I’ve got the most incredible news!
DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!!
ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn’t get the job. But something better happened!
DOLORES Better than not getting a job?
ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big!
DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?!
ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star!
DOLORES Boris Karloff!?
ED Close! The other one!
DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone!
ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI!
DOLORES I thought he was dead.
Ed’s eyes pop.
ED No! He’s very alive. Well… sort of. He’s old, and frail — but he’s still Bela Lugosi! And he’s really nice.
DOLORES Boy, I can’t even remember the last time he was in a picture.
ED It’s a shame. He’s such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore.
DOLORES So did you get his autograph?
Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically.
ED No. It wasn’t like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin’… and he treated me like — a friend…
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE – DAY
Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss.
RUDE BOSS He’s a bum.
ED No he’s not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? “Dracula”! “The Raven”! “The Black Cat”!
RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he’s a junkie. He don’t deserve to work.
ED That’s not true —
RUDE BOSS He’s so great, you hire him.
ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would…
The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S ROUSE – NIGHT
It’s Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela’s window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION — a small fuzzy screen in a huge console.
INT. BELA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
ON THE TV, one of Bela’s old ’30s horror films plays. Bela’s evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture.
ON ED AND BELA
They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela’s TWO DOGS lie at his feet.
ON THE TV
The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy “Creature Feature” hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress.
She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading “Happy Halloween.”
