Ed Wood
script used with courtesey of Daily Script
ED WOOD by Scott Alexander &; Larry Karaszewski
Directed by Tim Burton
FIRST DRAFT November 20, 1992
FADE IN:
INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR – NIGHT
We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin.
Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past the edge… and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones, with absolute conviction:
CRISWELL Greetings, my friend. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable… that is why you are here. So now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened… (extremely serious) We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Junior??
EXT. NIGHT SKY
Lightning CRACKS.
We drift down past the dark clouds… through the torrential rain… and end up…
OPTICAL:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD – NIGHT
We’ve landed in Hollywood, 1952. We’re outside a teeny, grungy playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims “‘THE CASUAL COMPANY,’ WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR.”
Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero. Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He’s a classically flawed optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons within.
The doors open, and Ed’s pal JOHN “BUNNY” BRECKINRIDGE, 45, hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a string of pearls.
[PAGE 2 MISSING]
Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry- for-a-career ingenue. She’s near tears.
DOLORES Eddie, my dove just flew out the window!
CREW MEMBER She goes on in two minutes! What are we gonna do??
They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second, then excitedly CLAPS his hands.
ED Dolores, give me your shoes.
DOLORES What?
ED The ghost can be barefoot. Give me your shoes!
She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled. He keeps cutting the shoe… and it slowly takes on the shape of a dove!
Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe… and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth!
The cast is flabbergasted.
CREW MEMBER Wow.
BACK ONSTAGE
The soldiers suddenly look up.
ACTOR #1 Hey, I think I see something!
Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove.
DOLORES I offer you mortals the bird of peace, so that you may change your ways and end all this destruction.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP – LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour diner. They’re noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red booth.
ED What a show! Everyone was terrific! Paul, your second-act monologue actually gave me chills,
He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver who’s loyal like a dog.
PAUL MARCO Aw thanks, Eddie.
Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug, runs up waving a newspaper.
CONRAD I got the early edition! It was just dropped off at the newsstand.
ED (he smiles at everyone) This is the big moment…!
Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page. INSERT – THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, “The Theatrical Life, By Victor Crowley.” Under this is a photograph of an old man with an ascot.
WIDE
Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A moment… and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder… and then they finish. A melancholy beat, until —
BUNNY What does that old queen know? He wasn’t even there! (he knocks back a drink) Sending a copy boy to do his dirty work. Well fuck him!
DOLORES Do I really have a face like a horse?
PAUL MARCO What does “ostentatious” mean?
Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile.
ED Hey. Hey, it’s not that bad. You just can’t concentrate on the negative. He’s got some nice things to say… (he scans the review) See, “The soldier costumes are very realistic.” That’s positive!
Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed launches into an upbeat speech.
ED Hell, I’ve seen a lot worse reviews. I’ve seen ones where they didn’t even like the costumes! Like, that last “Francis the Mule” picture — it got terrible notices. But it was a huge hit.
PAUL MARCO Lines around the block.
ED So don’t take it too seriously. We’re all doin’ great work.
CONRAD You really think so?
ED Absolutely! It’s just the beginning. I promise this: If we stick together, one day I’ll make every single one of you famous.
He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope.
CUT TO:
INT. DOLORES’ APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT
Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably at her.
ED Honey, what if I’m wrong? What if I just don’t have it?
DOLORES Ed, it was only one review.
ED Orson Welles was 26 when he made “Citizen Kane.” I’m already 30!
DOLORES Ed, you’re still young. This is the part of your life when you’re supposed to be struggling.
ED I know… But sometimes I get scared this is as good as it’s gonna get…
Dolores kisses Ed affectionately.
DOLORES Things’ll change for us. Nobody stays on the fringe forever.
She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the closet. She looks inside.
DOLORES God, where’s my pink sweater? I can never find my clothes anymore…
ANGLE – ED
He rolls over in bed, away from her.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE – DAY
CU on Ed reading “The Hollywood Reporter.” A RUDE BOSS in suspenders suddenly strides up.
RUDE BOSS Hey big shot, get off your ass. They need a potted palm over in the Carl Laemmle Building.
ED Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz.
Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he’s in a giant greenhouse, packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small palm tree and hurries out.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO – DAY
Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack. Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE SAME TIME
A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and real sand dunes. Ed is blown away.
ED Whoa, look at all this sand. This is real sand! My God, where’d they get all this sand?!
A SECURITY GUARD sees him.
SECURITY GUARD Hey, YOU. This is a closed set.
Ed is caught. He hurries out.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO DAY
Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window.
OLD CRUSTY MAN Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you.
Ed puts down the plant again and runs in.
INT. EDITING ROOMS DAY
The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola. The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc.
Ed is dazzled.
ED This is fantastic! What are you gonna do with it all?
OLD CRUSTY MAN Eh, probably file it away and never see it again.
ED It’s such a waste. If I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie out of this stock footage! (getting inspired) See, the story opens with these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what’s causing them, but it’s upsetting all the buffalo. So the military is called in to solve the mystery.
OLD CRUSTY MAN Ya forgot the octopus.
ED No, I’m saving that for the big underwater climax!
The old guy cackles.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO – DAY
Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building.
INT. STUDIO OFFICES – SAME TIME
Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling.
SECRETARY #1 They say he was a girl trapped in a man’s body.
SECRETARY #2 I’ll bet it hurt when they snipped his thing off.
EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts down his plant.
ED What are you ladies gabbin’ about?
SECRETARY #1 You know that Christine Jorgensen freak? He/she/it’s in “Variety.” Some producer is making a biopic.
ED (startled) R-really? I didn’t see the story.
SECRETARY #1 Ah, it was buried in the back. The guy’s a real smalltime operator.
She holds up her “Variety.” Ed hurriedly takes it.
CUT TO:
INSERT – VARIETY
The story headline says “BOYTOCHICK FLICK TO CLICK.” We PULL OUT, revealing we’re now in
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment. The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run around. Tacked-up are movie posters for “DRACULA,” “FREAKS,” and “THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS.”
Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her.
DOLORES (on phone) Yes, I’ve got Mr. Edward Wood on the line. Could you please hold?
Ed gives her a thumbs up — perfect! He confidently takes the phone.
ED (on phone) Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your new project and was curious if you signed a director. Oh — you haven’t? Well, if we could get together, I could explain why I’m more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town. (beat) Uh, I’d rather not go into it over the phone… Alright. Great! l’ll see you then!
Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls away.
DOLORES Eddie, I don’t understand. Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen Story?
ED (nervous, he lies) Aw, er, it’s just a bunch of hot air. I had to say something to get in the door.
CUT TO:
INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY – DAY
Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a door that says “SCREEN CLASSICS George Weiss, President.” Ed fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters.
INT. SCREEN CLASSICS SAME TIME
It’s a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans are stacked everywhere, and framed onesheets for “TEST TUBE BABIES,” “BLONDE PICKUP” and “GIRL GANG” litter the cracked walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone.
GEORGIE (on phone) Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn’t mean all eleven states! I meant California, Oregon, and uh, what’s that one above it… Washington. Oh really?! Well screw you!
Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed.
GEORGIE Can I help you?
ED Yes, I’m Ed Wood. I’m here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.
GEORGIE Yeah, well a couple of things have changed. It ain’t gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn “Variety” printed the story before I had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky.
ED (disappointed) So you’re not gonna make the movie?
GEORGIE No, of COURSE I’m gonna make the movie! I’ve already presold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. So we’ll just make it without that she-male. We’ll fictitionalize it.
Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed.
ED Is there a script?
GEORGIE Fuck no! But there’s a poster.
Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, “I CHANGED MY SEX!”
GEORGIE It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.
ED (mustering up his courage) Well, Mr. Weiss, I’m your guy. I work fast, and I’m a deal: I write AND direct. And I’m good. I just did a play in Hollywood, and Victor Crowley praised its realism.
GEORGIE Hmm. There’s five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. You said on the phone you had some kind of “special qualifications.”
Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation.
ED Well, Mr. Weiss, I’ve never told anyone what I’m about to tell you… but I really want this job. (he gulps) I like to dress in women’s clothing.
GEORGIE Are you a fruit?
ED No, no, not at all! I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
GEORGIE So you’re not a fruit?
ED Nah, I’m all man. I even fought in WW2. (beat) ‘Course, I was wearing ladies’ undergarments under my uniform.
GEORGIE You gotta be kiddin’ me.
ED Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties. I’ll tell ya, I wasn’t scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded, and having the medics discover my secret.
Georgie sits back. It’s a hell of a story.
GEORGIE And this is why you think you’re the most qualified to make my movie?
ED Yeah. I know what it’s like to live with a secret, and worry about what people are gonna think of you… My girlfriend still doesn’t know why her sweaters are always stretched out.
Georgie shrugs.
GEORGIE Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you… (he gestures at the posters) I don’t hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like “Chained Girls.” I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that’ll make me a profit. (beat) I’m sorry. That’s all that matters.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR DAY
Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over.
BARTENDER Are you gonna get something else?
Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs, and staggers out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – DAY
Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in their starched clean clothes.
They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then continues. Ed reaches a building, “HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY,” and glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake.
THROUGH THE WINDOW
The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one is BELA LUGOSI.
ANGLE – ED
He is flabbergasted.
INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY – SAME TIME
Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70- year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a master of the grand gesture.
An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance.
BELA Too constrictive. This is the most uncomfortable coffin I have ever been in.
SALESMAN Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I’ve never had any complaints before.
BELA The selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time.
Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and walks to the exit — where be bumps into nervous Ed.
ED Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi??
BELA (irritated) I told you, I don’t want any of your goddamn coffins.
ED No. I don’t work here.
BELA Huh?
Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed.
BELA Who are you? What do you want?
ED I don’t want anything. I’m just a really big, big fan. I’ve seen all your movies.
BELA Ha!
Bela strides out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – SAME TIME
Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him.
ED Why were you buying a coffin?
BELA Because I’m planning on dying soon.
ED (concerned) Really?
BELA Yes. I’m embarking on another bus- andtruck tour of “Dracula.” Twelve cities in ten days, if that’s conceivable.
Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it.
ED You know, I saw you perform “Dracula.” In Poughkeepsie, in 1938.
BELA Eh, that was a terrible production. Renfield was a drunk!
ED I thought it was great. You were much scarier in real life than you were in the movie.
BELA Thank you.
ED I waited to get your autograph, but you never came outside.
BELA I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance. It takes me much time to re-emerge.
A CITY BUS approaches.
BELA Oh, there’s my bus. (he checks his pockets) Shit, where’s my transfer?!
ED Don’t you bave a car?
BELA I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he’s about to lose his new friend. He gets an idea…
CUT TO:
INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER – DAY
Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car with smoke from his big cigar.
ED Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life. When is your next picture coming out?
BELA I have no next picture.
ED Ah, you gotta be jokin’! A great man like you… I’ll bet you have dozens of ’em lined up.
BELA Back in the old days, yes. But now — no one give two fucks for Bela.
Bela puffs on his oversized cigar.
ED But you’re a big star!
BELA No more. I haven’t worked in four years. This town, it chews you up, then spits you out. I’m just an ex-bogeyman. (he points) Make a right.
EXT. BELA’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood. They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out.
BELA (bitter) They don’t want the classic horror films anymore. Today, it’s all giant bugs, giant spiders, giant grasshoppers — who would believe such nonsense!
ED The old ones were much spookier. They had castles, full moons…
BELA They were mythic. They had a poetry to them. (he lowers his voice) And you know what else? The women prefer the traditional monsters.
ED The women?
BELA The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them. Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
ED I never thought of that.
BELA Take my word for it. You want to “score” with a young lady, you take her to see “Dracula.”
Bela’s eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it. INSIDE… it’s awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal.
Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn’t say anything. Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily.
BELA Ugh, what a mess. (beat) My wife of twenty years left me last month. I’m not much of a housekeeper.
The dogs BARK louder.
BELA Shh! I’m coming! I will feed you!
ED Well… I guess I should go. Perhaps we could get together again?
BELA (he shakes his hand) Certainly. But now the children of the night are calling me.
Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes.
CUT TO:
INT. DOLORES’S APARTMRNT – DAY
Dolores is in her 1950’s kitchenette, making a green jello mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric.
ED Sweetie, you won’t believe it! I’ve got the most incredible news!
DOLORES (excited) You got the job?!!
ED Huh?! (confused) Oh, uh, no, I didn’t get the job. But something better happened!
DOLORES Better than not getting a job?
ED Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody really big!
DOLORES Who? Robert Taylor?!
ED (annoyed) No! A horror movie star!
DOLORES Boris Karloff!?
ED Close! The other one!
DOLORES You met Basil Rathbone!
ED Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA LUGOSI!
DOLORES I thought he was dead.
Ed’s eyes pop.
ED No! He’s very alive. Well… sort of. He’s old, and frail — but he’s still Bela Lugosi! And he’s really nice.
DOLORES Boy, I can’t even remember the last time he was in a picture.
ED It’s a shame. He’s such a rest actor, and nobody uses him anymore.
DOLORES So did you get his autograph?
Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically.
ED No. It wasn’t like that at all. It was just the two of us, and we were talkin’… and he treated me like — a friend…
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE – DAY
Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss.
RUDE BOSS He’s a bum.
ED No he’s not! Do you realize how much money he made for this studio over the years? “Dracula”! “The Raven”! “The Black Cat”!
RUDE BOSS Yeah? Well now he’s a junkie. He don’t deserve to work.
ED That’s not true —
RUDE BOSS He’s so great, you hire him.
ED (defensive) Well, uh, if I could I would…
The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S ROUSE – NIGHT
It’s Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes parade up and down the streets. Through Bela’s window, we see him and Ed watching TELEVISION — a small fuzzy screen in a huge console.
INT. BELA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
ON THE TV, one of Bela’s old ’30s horror films plays. Bela’s evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture.
ON ED AND BELA
They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela’s TWO DOGS lie at his feet.
ON THE TV
The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy “Creature Feature” hostess, a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress.
She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading “Happy Halloween.”
VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead…
ON THE MEN
Ed is disgruntled.
ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn’t show ’em the proper respect.
BELA (glued to the TV) I think she’s a honey. Look at those jugs.
Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV.
BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love.
ED (fascinated by Bela’s hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that?
BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes.
Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV.
Bela becomes fatigued.
BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine.
ED Do you want me to get it for you?
BELA No thank you, Eddie. I’ll be alright.
Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela’s thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence.
Ed sits, waiting.
Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled “Shit!”
Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He’s a bundle of energy.
BELA I feel better now.
AT THE DOOR
The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT “Trick or treat!” Bela jumps up gleefully.
BELA Children! I love children.
Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth.
OUTSIDE
Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly.
Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run.
Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone… except one TOUGH BOY.
BELA Aren’t you scared, little boy? I’m going to drink your blood!
TOUGH BOY Ehh, you’re not a real vampire. You can’t turn into a bat, and those teeth don’t frighten me.
Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly.
ED Well how about these teeth?!!
Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away.
Bela is wowed.
BELA Hey, how’d you do that?
Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth.
ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET – LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela’s cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela’s flask. They’re a bit tipsy.
ED Are you sure this is okay?
BELA Don’t worry. I do it every Halloween.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness.
Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously.
ED Now what?
Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily.
He disappears into the cemetery.
BELA I am DRACULA!
Bela darts happily through the graves.
His cape flies behind him.
BELA I am the BAT!!
Ed’s eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela.
Bela’s heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky.
Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up.
Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he’s going to fly.
Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It’s a magical, crazed moment.
BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!!
Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass.
WIDE
Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They’re happy, eyes alert, on top of the world.
Ed peers in wonder at his new friend.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE – DAY
Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed’s very excited.
GEORGIE So what’s the big news you couldn’t tell me over the phone… again?
Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out.
ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin’ about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what’s the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it’ll be successful??
GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits.
ED No. Better than tits — a star!
Georgie shakes his head.
GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don’t make major motion pictures. I make crap.
ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you’d have something!
GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star.
ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you’ve ever had!
GEORGIE Fine, maybe you’re right. But it doesn’t friggin’ matter. I can’t afford a star, so I don’t even know what we’re talking about.
Ed grins.
ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000??
GEORGIE (skeptical) Who?
Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8×10 GLOSSY OF BELA.
GEORGIE Lugosi?
ED Yeah! Lugosi!
GEORGIE Isn’t he dead?
ED (annoyed) No, he’s not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he wants to be in our picture.
GEORGIE OUR picture?
ED (sheepishly) Uh, yeah. Our picture.
Georgie mulls this over. He’s interested.
GEORGIE Why would Lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick?
ED Because he’s my friend.
Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles.
GEORGIE Alright, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from Monday.
ANGLE – ED
He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie’s hand.
ED Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss! I promise I won’t let you down!
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – DAY
CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed’s hands whirl across the portable typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can type. We PULL OUT.
Ed sits on the bed, typing. He’s a blur of activity, juggling a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes.
ED (on phone) But Bunny, you’re perfect for this job! You’re so good at organizing.
His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee.
ED You know these people. I need all the transsexuals and transvestites you can get. (he sucks on his cigarette) No, I don’t care if they’re not actors. I want realism. I want this film to tell the truth! I’ve waited my whole life for this shot, and I’m not gonna blow it.
There’s a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly.
BELA Eddie, you got a new movie for me?!
ED Yeah, it’s gonna be a great picture! You’ll love your character! (back into the phone) Bunny, Bela’s here. Look, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites!
Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled.
BELA Eddie, what kind of movie is this?
ED Well, It’s about how people have two personalities. The side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside.
BELA (delighted) Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I’ve always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde! I’m looking forward to this production.
Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink.
ED Ehh, your part’s a little different. You’re like the God that looks down on all the characters, and oversees everything.
BELA I don’t understand.
ED Well… you control everyone’s fate. You’re like the puppetmaster.
BELA (getting it) Ah, so I pull the strings!
ED Yeah. You pull the strings — (he suddenly gets a look) “Pull the strings”… hey, that’s pretty good!
Ed quickly starts typing again.
