Ed Wood

VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the willies! The only thing scarier than him is this guy I dated last week: Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk about the living dead…

ON THE MEN

Ed is disgruntled.

ED Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts the pictures. She doesn’t show ’em the proper respect.

BELA (glued to the TV) I think she’s a honey. Look at those jugs.

Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic hand gesture at the TV.

BELA Vampira! You will come under my spell! You will be my slave of love.

ED (fascinated by Bela’s hand) Hey Bela, how do you do that?

BELA You must be double-jointed, and you must be Hungarian. (back at the TV) Vampira, look at me! Stare into my eyes.

Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their arms spookily at the TV.

Bela becomes fatigued.

BELA I am getting tired. I need to take my medicine.

ED Do you want me to get it for you?

BELA No thank you, Eddie. I’ll be alright.

Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela’s thin arm appears and draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers opening and closing, and then silence.

Ed sits, waiting.

Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled “Shit!”

Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and Bela bounds out, grinning. He’s a bundle of energy.

BELA I feel better now.

AT THE DOOR

The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT “Trick or treat!” Bela jumps up gleefully.

BELA Children! I love children.

Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and sticks them in his mouth.

OUTSIDE

Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle expectantly.

Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM and run.

Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone… except one TOUGH BOY.

BELA Aren’t you scared, little boy? I’m going to drink your blood!

TOUGH BOY Ehh, you’re not a real vampire. You can’t turn into a bat, and those teeth don’t frighten me.

Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly.

ED Well how about these teeth?!!

Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away.

Bela is wowed.

BELA Hey, how’d you do that?

Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth.

ED Dentures. I lost my pearlies in the war.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – LATER THAT NIGHT

Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela’s cape flapping in the wind. Ed takes a swig from Bela’s flask. They’re a bit tipsy.

ED Are you sure this is okay?

BELA Don’t worry. I do it every Halloween.

EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT

The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness.

Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other, then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and Ed peers nervously.

ED Now what?

Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another swig, then starts running giddily.

He disappears into the cemetery.

BELA I am DRACULA!

Bela darts happily through the graves.

His cape flies behind him.

BELA I am the BAT!!

Ed’s eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela.

Bela’s heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts. Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky.

Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up.

Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he’s going to fly.

Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela, practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It’s a magical, crazed moment.

BELA I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!!

Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass.

WIDE

Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They’re happy, eyes alert, on top of the world.

Ed peers in wonder at his new friend.

CUT TO:

INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE – DAY

Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed’s very excited.

GEORGIE So what’s the big news you couldn’t tell me over the phone… again?

Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out.

ED Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin’ about what you said, about how all your movies have to make a profit. And I realized, what’s the one thing, that if you put in a movie, it’ll be successful??

GEORGIE (he thinks) Tits.

ED No. Better than tits — a star!

Georgie shakes his head.

GEORGIE Eddie, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don’t make major motion pictures. I make crap.

ED Yeah, but if you took that crap and put a star in it, you’d have something!

GEORGIE Yeah. Crap with a star.

ED (impassioned) No! It would be something better! Something impressive. The biggest moneymaker you’ve ever had!

GEORGIE Fine, maybe you’re right. But it doesn’t friggin’ matter. I can’t afford a star, so I don’t even know what we’re talking about.

Ed grins.

ED What if I told you you could have a star for $1000??

GEORGIE (skeptical) Who?

Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8×10 GLOSSY OF BELA.