Ed Wood
EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD – SAME TIME
The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around.
VAMPIRA This can’t be the right address…
She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it…
INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
And inside is the “Grave Robbers From Outer Space” famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop.
Tot struts about gregariously, in his “Inspector Clay” suit. He chats up the CREW.
TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud!
The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script.
REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions —
REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It’s blasphemy.
ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It’s the premise of the movie. It’s even the title, for Christ’s sake!
REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood!
REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don’t we change it to “Plan Nine From Outer Space”?
Ed shakes his head.
ED That’s ridiculous!
WIPE TO:
CEMETERY SET
They’re filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There’s a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in.
ED And, ACTION!
Tor steps onto the set
TOR (as Inspector Clay) “Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?”
COP “Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time.”
TOR “You get statement frumk vitnesses?”
COP “Yeah, but they’re pretty scared.”
TOR “Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge.”
ON THE CREW
Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head.
The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside.
REYNOLDS What’d you give him all the lines for?? He’s unintelligible!
ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won’t talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue.
REVEREND LEMON That’s not an answer.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT – LATER
As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the “cemtery,” waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun.
Ed grins at the Baptists.
ED See, no talking. Isn’t he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM!
DR. TOM (o.s.) Now?
ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED!
The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor.
Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists.
ED Isn’t it wonderful? Bela lives!
REVEREND LEMON Doesn’t this strike you as a bit morbid?
ED No, he would’ve loved it! Bela’s returned from the grave — like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA!
Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can’t stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT – LATER
Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery.
CONRAD (as a cop) “Let’s go down and find out whose grave it is.”
PAUL MARCO (as a cop) “Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!”
ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY!
Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT.
The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over.
ED And PERFECT. CUT!
REYNOLDS (freaking out) “Perfect”? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?!
ED I like to think so.
REYNOLDS That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony!
ED People won’t notice. Filmmaking isn’t about picky details — it’s about the big picture.
REYNOLDS Oh, you wanna talk about the “big picture”?! How ’bout that the policemen arrive in the daylight, but now it’s suddenly night???
Ed suddenly flips out. He’s livid.
ED YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven’t you ever heard of “suspension of disbelief”?!
A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists,
STRAPPING YOUNG MAN Reverend, I’m here.
ED (baffled) Who’s he?
REVEREND LEMON This is our choir director. He’s gonna play the young hero.
ED (furious) Are you IN5ANE? I’m the director! I make the casting decisions around here!
REVEREND LEMON I thought this was a group effort.
ED NOOOOO!!!
Ed spastically storms away.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized.
ED They’re driving me crazy! These Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID!
Ed glances at a clothing rack — and sees an ANGORA SWEATER.
Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and rubs it against his face. His breathing slows.
ED Mmm. I need to calm… Take deep breaths… (he rubs the angora) Ohh, it’s so smooth…
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – SAME TIME
The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at ease.
The stage quiets. People are staring.
ED Okay, everyone! Let’s set up for Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left and get ready with Tor’s make-up effect.
The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast.
REVEREND LEMON Mr. Wood? What do you think you’re doing?!
ED I’m directing.
REYNOLDS Not like THAT, you’re not!
REVEREND LEMON Remove that get-up immediately. You shame our Lord.
Ed throws up his hands.
ED That’s it. I give up!
CUT TO:
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
Ed frantically marches out of the building. He’s still in his ladies’ outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly.
The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in.
ED Take me to the nearest bar.
CUT TO:
INT. MUSSO & FRANKS – DAY
The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits at the bar.
ED Imperial whiskey, straight up.
The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink. He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day.
Ed glances around. And then, suddenly — his eyes widen.
Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing STORYBOARDS with the other.
Ed is thunderstruck.
ED Oh my God. It’s Orson Welles…
Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward — when he catches his own reflection in a mirror. He’s still in drag.
ED Oh shit.
Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified.
ED Excuse me, Sir…?
ORSON WELLES (he casually looks up) Yes?
ED Uh, uh, I’m a young filmmaker, and a really big fan… and I just wanted to meet you.
ORSON WELLES (he extends his hand) My pleasure. I’m Orson Welles.
ED Oh. Um, I’m Ed Wood! (he smiles anxiously) So, what are you working on now?
ORSON WELLES Eh, the financing just fell through for the third time on “Don Quixote.” So I’m trying to finish a promo for something else. But I can’t find the soundtrack — (he shrugs) I think I left it in Malta.
Ed is astonished.
ED I can’t believe it. These sound like my problems!
ORSON WELLES It’s the damn money men. You never know who’s a windbag, and who’s got the goods. And then they all think they’re a director…
ED Ain’t that the truth! I’ve even bad producers recut my movies —
ORSON WELLES Ugh, I hate when that happens.
ED (on a roll) And they always want to cast their buddies — it doesn’t even matter if they’re right for the part!
ORSON WELLES Tell me about it. I’m supposed to do a thriller at Universal, and they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican!
Ed shakes his head. He’s discouraged.
ED Mr. Welles, is it all worth it?
ORSON WELLES It is when it works. (solemn) You know the one film of mine I can stand to watch? “Kane.” The studio hated it… but they didn’t get to touch a frame. (he smiles warmly) Ed, visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else’s dreams?
CLOSEUP – ED
He has seen God.
ED Wow.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he confidently grabs the Baptists.
ED Mr. Reynolds!
REYNOLDS Yes?
ED We are gonna finish this film just the way I want it! Because you can’t compromise an artist’s vision!
REVEREND LEMON (flustered) B-but it’s our money —
ED And you’re gonna make a bundle. This movie’s gonna be famous! But only if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my way!
Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess.
CLOSEUP – ED
He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage.
ED ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET’S FINISH THIS PICTURE!!
WIPE TO:
“PLAN 9” MONTAGE:
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET
Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary white contact lenses. Tor’s so big, he has trouble lifting himself from the grave.
EDITING ROOM
Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola.
ED Okay, I want that tank! And I want that bomb!
SOUNDSTAGE
Harry paints Bunny’s face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells.
ED NO! The aliens should look like people.
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I’m tellin’ ya, aliens are always green.
ED Not in my movie, they’re not!
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Bunny’s make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture.
BUNNY “What plan will we follow?”
HAMMY ALIEN “Plan Nine.”
BUNNY “Plan Nine…” (he consults his papers) “Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY
Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him.
OFF-STAGE
Ed smiles at the Baptists.
ED Maybe you guys were right. “Plan Nine” is a good title.
MINIATURE CITY SET
Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire.
The “saucer” soars on fishing line over a little miniature town.
SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET
Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS.
COCKPIT SET
Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up.
PILOT Where’s the cockpit set?
ED You’re standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain!
A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway.
EXT. DUSTY ROAD
A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window.
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans.
PILOT “So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We’d be even a stronger nation.”
HAMMY ALIEN “Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!”
PILOT “That’s all I’m taking from you.”
He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out.
SCENE WITH CRISWELL
Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting
CRISWELL “Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET
The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery.
Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully.
ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT’S A WRAP!
END MONTAGE.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY – NIGHT
It’s pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He’s wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water.
Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown.
ED I can’t get it to go up.
KATHY Ed, you’re gonna miss your own premiere.
ED (he gives up) C’mon! Let’s just go.
Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims “WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!”
People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered.
Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike.
CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn’t be here tonight… Eddie, take a bow!
The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy — even the Baptists. People YELL “Speech! Speech!”
Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone.
ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say… this film is for Bela.
The lights dim.
DISSOLVE TO:
MINUTES LATER
The title “PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE” is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching.
Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled.
Tor laughs as he sees himself.
Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully.
Criswell mouths his own lines.
ON SCREEN
Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower.
ON ED
He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself.
ED This is the one. I know I’ll be remembered for this film.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATER LOBBY – LATER
The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. “It was great!” “It’s your best one yet!” “Bela would’ve loved it!”
Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It’s like a wonderful dream.
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out.
KATHY Ed, I’m so happy for you.
ED Let’s get married.
KATHY (startled) Huh?!
ED Right now. Let’s drive to Vegas!
KATHY But it’s pouring. And the car top is stuck!
ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It’s only a five-hour drive. And it’ll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it’ll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise.
Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss.
Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain.
A moment.
And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky.
OPTICAL:
We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window… and we’re back inside
INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR – NIGHT
Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us.
CRISWELL My friend, you have just seen the story of Edward D. Wood, Junior. Stranger than fact… and yet every incident based on sworn testimony. (his eyes gleam) A man. A life. Can you prove it didn’t happen?
A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him.
FADE OUT.
THE END
