Ed Wood
CREW MEMBER Cops!
ED We don’t have a permit. RUN!
Everyone grabs equipment and takes off.
WIPE TO:
INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS – DAY
The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela’s set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is perched high in his director’s chair, back in men’s clothes.
ED The set doesn’t look right! It looks too… empty. Clutter it up. Put a skeleton in the corner. And what’s that thing over there?
PAUL MARCO I don’t know.
ED Well it looks good. Let’s use it!
Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script.
GEORGIE Ed! What’s with these revised pages?! A scene in a smelting factory? A buffalo stampede?? Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio Beach??! What’s going on here? I can’t afford to film this nonsense!
ED Don’t worry. We’re not gonna film any of it.
GEORGIE Then how’s it gonna get in the picture?!
ED I know a guy in Universal’s stock house — he’s giving me the footage for free. This movie’s gonna look like a million bucks.
Georgie nods. Oh, okay.
O.S. VOICE Mr. Lugosi has arrived!
Ed jumps excitedly.
ED Oh my God! (he YELLS) Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone, when he walks on the stage (nobody is listening; so Ed uses his MEGAPHONE) Now everyone, when he walks on the stage, treat him normal. I know Bela Lugosi is a world-famous star, and you’re all a little excited, but we’re professionals. So if you treat him with respect, everything will be alright.
AT THE STAGE DOOR
The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly.
Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm.
ED Bela! It’s so great to see you! (he glances at his watch) And eight o’clock on the dot. Right on time!
BELA I am always on time.
ED Of course! Well, we got a big day planned for you… First, we’re gonna start off a little easy, with you in that armchair over there. Then, once you’re up to speed and cooking, we’ll reset and bring out the laboratory equipment —
BELA (he leans in and WHISPERS) Uh, Eddie, do you have my money?
ED Huh?! Oh yeah, of course.
Ed and Bela step over to a corner.
ACROSS THE ROOM
From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated.
WIPE TO:
LATER
Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does his make-up. Harry glances at Bela’s arm, and it is full of TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn’t say anything.
Conrad eagerly scurries up.
CONRAD Mr. Lugosi, I know you’re very busy, but could I have your autograph?
BELA (cordial) Of course.
Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it.
CONRAD You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? “The Invisible Ray.” You were great as Karloff’s sidekick.
Bela’s face suddenly hardens. He snaps.
BELA “Sidekick”?? “KARLOFF”?!!
Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph.
BELA Fuck you!! Karloff doesn’t deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in hell, for all I care!!!
WIDE
Ed panickedly runs up.
ED What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what did you do?
CONRAD (upset, close to crying) Nothin’! I told him he was great.
BELA How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?!! You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?! NO! It’s just make-up and grunting! GRRR! GRRR! GRRR!
Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage.
Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch.
Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs away. Ed leans in to Bela.
ED You’re right, Bela. Now Dracula, that’s a part that takes acting.
BELA Of course! Dracula requires presence. It’s all in the voice, and the eyes, and the hand —
Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him.
ED Look, you seem a little agitated. Do you maybe wanna take a little break, go for a nice walk… and then we’ll come back and shoot the scene?
BELA BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the camera!!
The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them.
ED Um, okay… roll camera
CAMERAMAN BILL (unsure) Rolling.
ED Sound!
SOUNDMAN Speed.
CAMERA ASSISTANT Mark. Scene Thirty-One.
The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs.
ED And… action?
It’s dead quiet. Nobody knows what’s about to happen.
WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And… he suddenly assumes character. Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister leer, then starts intoning threateningly:
BELA (as the SPIRIT) “Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware. Take care. Beware!”
CLOSEUP – ED
He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement.
ED Brilliant.
WIPE TO:
INT. STAGE – NEXT DAY
Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies’ wig and earrings. She stares in disbelief.
DOLORES How can you just walk around like that, in front of all these people?
ED Hon’, nobody’s bothered but you. (he gestures) Look around — they couldn’t care less.
DOLORES Ed, this isn’t the real world! You’ve surrounded yourself with WEIRDOS!
ED Say it a little louder. I don’t think Bela heard you in his trailer.
Dolores quiets down. She feels bad.
ED Dolores. I need your help…
WIPE TO:
FILMING IN PROGRESS – LATER
A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as Barbara) stare into each other’s eyes. He’s dressed normal, and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater.
ED (as GLEN) “My mind’s in a muddle. I thought I could stop wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried…”
DOLORES (as BARBARA) (tentative) “Glen, I don’t fully understand this. But maybe together — we can work it out.”
She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and gives it to Ed.
He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly.
ED Music swells… and CUT and PRINT IT!
Ed and Dolores hug.
CUT TO:
INT. EDITING ROOM – DAY
On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores taking off her angora and giving it to Ed.
WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the movie. Ed smiles proudly.
