Ed Wood
ED We’re gonna have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film! A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation!
BACKER’S WIFE I don’t like scary movies. I go more for ones with love stories.
ED (without dropping a beat) Well that’s what this movie is… a heartbreaking romance! It’s about a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in love with a young cop, Dick Craig.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over.
ED What do you think you’re doin’?!
CONRAD These shoes are itchy.
ED You can’t sit! You gotta walk around, with good posture. You want these people to think we have class. Otherwise they’ll never invest in our movie.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor’s giant arm.
AMAZED BACKER Bernie, get a load of this guy!
TOR (proud of his size) Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54!
AMAZED BACKER Whew! You’re quite a specimen. (beat) And you’re gonna be in the picture?
TOR Yes. I play Lobo!
ACROSS THE ROOM
An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela’s hand.
HICK BACKER Mr. Lugosi, I can’t believe I’m meeting you in person. This is one of the most exciting moments of my life.
BELA Thank you. And you are?
HICK BACKER Charlie Johnson! I manufacture toothpaste tubes.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone.
CRISWELL I predict “Bride Of The Atom” will be the biggest moneymaker of all time!
In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER.
ED And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.
SOUTHERN BACKER And how much will this picture cost?
ED In a normal studio it would be half-a-million, with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices. But because we’re more efficient, we can bring it in for seventy grand!
SOUTHERN BACKER Hmm. Well I’ll consider it…
EXT. BROWN DERBY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers.
ED Goodbye! Goodbye!
BELA (to Ed) So how’d we do?
ED (faking a big smile, but SOTTO VOCE to Bela) We didn’t make a dime.
IN THE PARKING LOT
A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer.
VALET That’s twenty-five cents, sir.
The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs.
WIFE I gave all my money to the babysitter.
The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful of PENNIES, and counts them out…
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES’S BACKYARD – DAY
Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and drinking shots of whiskey. He’s in a woman’s pantsuit and fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out.
DOLORES Ed, the landlord called again. He wants his money.
ED Tell him “Bride” is in pre- production.
DOLORES Ed, the landlord doesn’t care.
ED That’s the problem! Nobody cares about my movie! I’m tryin’ so hard, I don’t know what else to do!
DOLORES Don’t get angry at me. Maybe you just need a day job.
ED (upset) Dolores, don’t you understand? I’m a director now! I made “Glen Or Glenda.” Directing is my day job.
DOLORES (irate) All I know is, ever since “Glen Or Glenda,” all you do is booze it up and wear my clothes!
Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate.
PAUL MARCO Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt, but I got some big news.
ED (dour) Yeah…?
PAUL MARCO Well my cousin Fred met this dame from back East. She’s from “old money,” and he thinks she’s loaded. And here’s the kicker: She’s very interested in the picture business!
ANGLE – ED
He slowly smiles. It’s like sun breaking through rain clouds.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
We’re at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress.
LORETTA Pleased to meet you. I’m Loretta King.
ED I understand you just moved here?
LORETTA Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting.
A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher.
WAITER Water, Ma’am?
LORETTA (suddenly freaking out) No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I’m terribly allergic to them!
The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in.
ED So my associate Mr. Marco tells me you may be interested in investing in a motion picture.
LORETTA Perhaps a small amount of money. (she smiles) How much do one of your motion pictures cost?
ED For this one, we need $60,000.
LORETTA That’s all?? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture.
Ed perks up. She’s a live one!
Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her.
ED Perhaps you’d like to look at the photoplay.
LORETTA Oh my, this is very interesting. (she skims the pages) Say… do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts?
ED (very enthused) Oh, of course!! There’s a couple characters you’d be perfect for: The secretary at the newspaper office, or the file clerk!
LORETTA Hmm. Those sound kind of small. (stopping at a page) Oh, here’s one that looks good: Janet Lawton. I’d sure like to play her.
Ed blanches.
ED J-Janet Lawton???
LORETIA Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part to play. She’s got some real meaty scenes! Can’t you just see me in that part??
CU – ED
He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at Loretta, then slowly croaks a response.
ED Uh… yeah… (beat) You’d be perfect.
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES’S HOUSE – DAY
We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside.
DOLORES (o.s.) You bastard! You two-timing, dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!!
INT. HOUSE – SAME TIME
Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects she hurls at him.
ED It was the only way I could get the movie made!
DOLORES Who do you think’s been paying the rent?! Who helped type your script, and did all your grunt work?!
ED I’m sorry! What did you want me to say?
DOLORES I wanted you to say, “No! I wrote the part for my girlfriend Dolores.”
