Ed Wood
Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER.
ED The movie is called “Bride Of The Atom”…
INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats.
ED …It will star Bela Lugosi. Each of you would put up $20,000…
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone.
ED Yes, that’s right. The Bela Lugosi. He’s still alive. (beat) Huh? Is he available Friday night? Gee, I suppose so… Why?
cut TO:
INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT
We’re backstage at a ‘5Os variety show. It’s exciting live TV: Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of hyped-up tumult.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They both read off SCRIPTS.
BELA “Greetings. I am the Count.”
ED “Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure.” Audience laughs. Applause. “Say, that’s a funny place to sleep.”
BELA “It is my home.”
ED “Oh, tract housing, huh?” Laugh. “You need a new real estate agent.”
BELA “Beg to differ. This casket incarpratates, er, inporporates –“
Ed interrupts.
ED No Bela, that’s “incorporates.” Look, just say “This casket has…”
BELA (upset) Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue? This live television is madness!
An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in.
ASSISTANT Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi.
INT. BACKSTAGE – MINUTES LATER
Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and a turban and is acting mysterious.
HOST And then what’s gonna happen?
CRISWELL In 1960, the automobile will have retractable wings, so it can fly.
HOST Sounds like a heck of a way to beat traffic.
Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically.
CRISWELL By 1970, Man will have colonized Mars. Millions of people will live there.
Ed is mesmerized.
ED Wow! Ain’t that something.
INT. STUDIO – LATER
We’re out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET: Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He’s playing his “Slick” character, a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There’s more APPLAUSE.
BELA Greetings. I am the Count.
HOST Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure.
The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE.
HOST Say, that’s a funny place to sleep.
BELA It is my home.
HOST Oh, tract housing, huh? (he starts AD-LIBBING) I guess I shouldn’t complain about my duplex in Burbank. What a dump. Some places have a Murphy bed, this place has a Murphy shower. I still don’t know where to hang the towels!
The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He seems incredibly confused.
BELA Uh, beg to differ.
HOST “Beg to differ?!” Hey, I’m talkin’ about my duplex in Burbank!
BELA (terrified, groping) Uh, Greetings. I am the Count…
BACKSTAGE
Ed covers his face in embarrassment.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO HALLWAY – LATER
The Host angrily storms past.
HOST I told you we should’ve gotten Karloff.
He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out.
ED Bela, don’t worry. You’re better than all this crap.
BELA (distraught) I never said I could ad-lib…
ED Forget about it. We’ll make our new movie, and you’ll be a star again.
They shuffle away… until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela.
CRISWELL Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled privilege to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself… I am CRISWELL!
BELA (morose) It’s a pleasure…
CRISWELL Ah, cheer up! Don’t lose heart over what happened tonight. (he points at his temple) I predict that your next project will be an outstanding success!
ED Wow.
CRISWELL And who may you be?
ED Edward Wood, Sir.
CRISWELL Ah. The director of “Glen Or Glenda.”
ED (startled) H-how’d you know?!
CRISWELL I’m Criswell. I know all.
Criswell winks.
CUT TO:
INT. MOCAMBO ROOM – NIGHT
Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping ‘5Os nightclub. Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed, Bela, and Criswell’s group. Everyone’s plastered and laughing. Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER.
CRISWELL Bring me two more Beefeater martinis. Eddie will have another whiskey, Dagmar’s a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha and King are chablis — hey Bela, would you like a wine?
BELA No. I never drink — wine.
The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to Criswell.
ED Hey Cris, how’d you know we’d be living on Mars by 1970? How’d you know it wouldn’t be 1975, or even 1980?
CRISWELL I guessed.
ED I don’t understand.
CRISWELL I made it up. It’s horseshit!
Ed’s jaw drops.
CRISWELL There’s no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a turban and a black tuxedo.
ED It’s that easy?
CRISWELL Eddie, we’re in show biz! It’s all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you dress nice and talk well, people will swallow anything.
Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom.
CUT TO:
EXT. BROWN DERBY – NIGHT
We’re outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE step out and approach the DOORMAN.
CONSERVATIVE MAN Excuse me. We’re here for the Wood party.
DOORMAN Ah, that would be in the Venetian Room, sir.
The couple raise their eyebrows. They’re impressed.
INT. BROWN DERBY – NIGHT
A large banner says “BRIDE OF THE ATOM – NEXT YEAR’S SMASH HIT!”
In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY. All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns, strutting about with flutes of champagne like they’re extras in “The Great Gatsby.”
Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them.
