Ed Wood
ED Don’t worry. We’re almost there.
BELA (still hoarse) Eddie, where are we? We passed that carwash twenty minutes ago.
CRISWELL I predict we’re lost.
VAMPIRA (to Bela) Hey! You wanna watch the hands??
Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh.
BELA Sorry…
ED (he looks around, baffled) Has anyone ever been to Downey?
INT. MOVIE THEATER – SAME TIME
The audience is so restless, they’re practically rioting. They CLAP AND CHANT angrily.
A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage.
THEATER MANAGER Children, if you don’t calm down, there won’t be the entertainment.
ANGRY KID It was supposed to start an hour ago!
INT. HEARSE – SAME TIME
Tempers are flaring.
TOR My eyes are burnink.
KATHY Hey look! There’s the theater.
TOR Where? I can’t see nothink!
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over.
FRANTIC USHER Thank God, you’re here! They’re tearing the place apart!
The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps.
TOR Ow.
Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him.
FRANTIC USHER C’mon! This way!
INT. THEATER – SAME TIME
Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy.
KATHY I’ve never been to a premiere before.
The Usher opens the auditorium doors.
INSIDE
It’s PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump up and down, on top of the chairs.
Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed.
The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over the sound system.
ED Wow. Go knock ’em dead!
Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela.
The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn.
Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer.
ON ED AND KATHY
In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE:
ED (amplified) Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead!
DOWN THE AISLE
Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls.
A WOMAN’S VOICE cackles.
WOMAN’S VOICE It’s the blind leading the blind!
Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE.
Criswell quickly helps his up.
TOR Dis is a nightmare.
CRISWELL It’s show biz.
Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet.
A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over Bela and Vampira.
BELA What is that?
VAMPIRA I think they’re getting ready to burn this place down.
A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira’s breasts.
HIGH SCHOOL PUNK Hey Vampira, how ’bout a little love?
VAMPIRA Fuck off!
She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid.
ON STAGE
The Manager pleads to the mob.
THEATER MANAGER Children, please! Be calm!
Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes down.
WIDE
The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM.
Ed’s panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends.
ED C’mon! We’re getting the hell out of here!
Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira.
The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused.
TOR What is happening?
ED We’re escaping!
The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close, “Bride Of The Monster” starts unspooling on the screen.
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives.
They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the hearse.
VAMPIRA We’re gonna die.
The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out.
Ed spins wildly around… and sees a cab approaching.
ED Stop!
KATHY STOP!
Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the cab. It screeches to a halt.
Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away.
INT. CAB – SAME TIME
All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear window as they drive away from the rampage.
A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks.
BELA Now that was a premiere.
All of them LAUGH.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – DAY
Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela smokes a big fat cigar.
BELA Last night was quite a romp.
ED Did you see that kid grab Vampira’s tits?
BELA I envied him. (he chuckles) Hell, I envied you too, having a girlfriend that would jump in front of a car like that.
ED Yeah, she’s really somethin’.
