Ed Wood
ED (thrown off) Oh. Er… well you’re the file clerk. You’re hurrying into the next room, when you bump into Janet.
DOLORES But what’s our relationship? Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance?
ED (annoyed) Dolores, I got five days to shoot this movie. Quit kidding around.
WIPE TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM – NIGHT
We’re watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: “Action!”
Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past and shouts out.
DOLORES (as File Clerk) “Janet, the boss has been looking for you.”
LORETTA (as Janet Lawton) “Thanks.”
Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed: “CUT! PERFECT!”
Dolores turns deadpan to the camera.
DOLORES Of course it was.
The FILM runs out.
ON THE AUDIENCE
The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in gloomy haze.
Suddenly, there’s loud CLAPPING from the back of the room.
CRISWELL Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!
ED (he smiles) Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.
CRISWELL My pleasure. I’m always happy to assist in a little larceny.
CUT TO:
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
g pink Cadillac convertible races down the Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul to the back.
TOR My head is cold.
CRISWELL You know how much this car cost me?
CONRAD Ten thousand dollars.
CRISWELL ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West herself sold it to me. She said, Cris, you belong in a pink Cadillac!
Criswell turns to Ed.
CRISWELL Incidentally, you promise you’re not going to scratch my car…?
ED (cocky) I told you, the octopus is made of rubber. This is a piece o’ cake.
EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS – NIGHT
The five men climb over a fence. They’re breaking into Republic Studios. Paul is panicked.
PAUL MARCO Ed, you said you were getting permission.
ED Uh, I couldn’t reach the guy… he was in meetings all day. But this’ll be great, I promise!
Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles.
TOR I’m no good at climbink.
Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate. Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs.
TOR I’m good at bashink!!
CRISWELL Hey, keep it down. My publicist will throttle me if we get caught.
They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary sets tower over them.
OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE
They reach a stage door. Ed tries it — but it’s locked.
ED Oh. I thought they kept this open.
A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins.
TOR Lobo will fix!
Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – SAME TIME
This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines, rocketships, a stuffed vulture… strange mysterious props from untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness.
It’s a place of wonderment and fear.
The men stare in awe.
CONRAD Wow.
PAUL MARCO This place gives se the creeps. Let’s get the hell out of here.
ED Not so fast. First we have to get it down.
Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up.
THEIR POV
A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling.
CUT TO:
LATER
Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for the octopus. He shouts nervously.
PAUL MARCO You’re sure this is gonna work?
ED (O.S.) Yes!
PAUL MARCO You’re sure???
ED (O.S.) YES! JUST DO IT!
WIDE VIEW
Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms outstretched, waiting.
Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul.
Paul gulps, then unties the octopus.
It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton.
Tor’s eyes widen.
And the octopus smashes straight on top of him.
BAM!
Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off.
UP IN THE CATWALK
Criswell moans.
CRISWELL Oh my God. We killed him.
ON THE GROUND
Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath.
ED Tor! Are you okay?!
A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up, battered but smiling.
TOR Bedder than wrestlink!
EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS – NIGHT
The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous octopus on their shoulders.
Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them.
ANGRY VOICE Hey! What are you doing?!
The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run.
CRISWELL Thank God Tor broke the fence.
The team runs through the busted gate and escapes.
EXT. STUDIOS – NIGHT
The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the five men.
WIPE TO:
EXT. GRIFFITH PARK – NIGHT
