Ed Wood
TOR Forget her! Move on. A good lookink boy like you as you can have any girl you wish.
Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING.
Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and goes home.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT
Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV.
ON THE TV
Vampira is doing her shtick.
VAMPIRA (on TV) Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me goosebumps. (someone QUACKS os.; she pretends to be angry) No, dummy! I didn’t say “goose,” I said “goosebumps.” Ugh! Well, be sure to join me next week, for “THE MUMMY’S CURSE.” Until then… pleasant nightmares.
Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on.
ON ED
He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone.
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIOS – SAME TIME
Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig.
VAMPIRA God, we need some better jokes on this show.
A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone.
ASSISTANT Vampira, you got a phone call.
VAMPIRA At this hour? (she takes the phone) Hello?
ED’S VOICE Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood.
VAMPIRA Who?
ED’S VOICE Ed Wood! You came to my party. I directed “Bride Of The Atom”!
VAMPIRA Oh. Yeah. You.
Ed pauses, nervously.
ED’S VOICE Well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you’d like to go out, and maybe grab some dinner.
VAMPIRA You mean like a date? I thought you were a fag.
ED’S VOICE ME?! No, uh, I’m just a transvestite.
VAMPIRA Isn’t that the same thing?
ED’S VOICE No, no! I like girls. So how ’bout Friday?
VAMPIRA (uncomfortable) Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed, but you’re just not my type. (beat) But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens.
CUT BACK TO:
CLOSEUP – ED
Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there, forlorn.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for himself.
He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater.
Ed’s eyes widen.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – SAME TIME
Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating.
ED’S VOICE Excuse me. Is that angora?
Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling.
NORMA Why… yes.
ED Don’t you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing?
NORMA I suppose. It’s very expensive.
ED It’s made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas.
NORMA What are you, an angora wholesaler?
ED No, I work in pictures. I’m a director-actor-writer-producer.
NORMA (she laughs) Ah, c’mon! Nobody does all that.
ED Two people do. Orson Welles and me.
NORMA Wow.
ED You know, you’re a very attractive girl.
Norma blushes.
NORMA My goodness, you’re embarrassing me.
ED You shouldn’t be embarrassed by the truth. (he smoothly sits down) Mind if I order some hotcakes…?
CUT TO:
INT. CRISWELL’S CADILLAC – NIGHT
Criswell and Paul drive at night. They’re dressed-up. SWING MUSIC plays on the radio.
CRISWELL So who’s the surprise for?
PAUL MARCO I dunno. Ed was real mysterious. All he’d say was it’s a surprise party.
CRISWELL Isn’t that like him! (beat) And isn’t that like us — that we show up anyway.
They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They’re at a studio.
CRISWELL Excuse me. We’re here for the Wood party.
GUARD They’ve rented Stage 12. Drive straight back.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – NIGHT
There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor.
BELA So what are we doing here?
TOR Nobody knows. But there’s a lotta booze.
Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He’s extremely handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily.
ED Excuse me! Could everyone please quiet down? (the room quiets) First of all, I want to thank you, all my good friends, for being here tonight. And second, if you’re wondering what the big surprise is… well, TONIGHT I’M GETTING MARRIED!!
The crowd is stunned.
Many people DROP their glasses.
Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She’s in a wedding gown.
ED Everybody, this is Norma!
ON BELA AND TOR
They’re bewildered. Bela WHISPERS.
BELA Who the fuck is she??
TOR I never heard of her.
Ed walks over. He hugs Bela.
ED And Bela, I want you to be the best man!
Bela smiles — trying to hide his total confusion.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER
The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma.
MINISTER …Norma, do you promise to love, honor, and cherish…
IN THE CROWD
Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING.
BUNNY I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.
PAUL MARCO (he taps him on the shoulder) I hear she’s an actress who gave him money.
CONRAD Nah, I heard she’s his childhood sweetheart from Poughkeepsie.
