Ed Wood
ED From outer space! It’s science- fiction. Very big with the kids! If you make this picture, you’ll have enough money to finance a HUNDRED religious films! (beat) And pay my back rent from the profits.
Reynolds scratches his head.
REYNOLDS I don’t know… this is all a lot to absorb.
ED It’s a guaranteed blockbuster!
REYNOLDS Um, I understand that this science friction is popular — but don’t the big hits always have big stars?
ED (in a frenzy) Yeah, well we’ve GOT a big star! Bela Lugosi!!
REYNOLDS (mystified) Lugosi??! Didn’t be pass on?
Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film.
ED Yes, but I’ve got the last footage he ever shot!
REYNOLDS Just, it doesn’t look like very much.
ED It’s plenty! It’s the acorn that will grow a great oak. I’ll just find a double to finish his scenes, and we’ll release it as “Bela Lugosi’s Final Film”
A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued…
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – LATER
The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone.
ED Bunny! We’re making another film! Yeah — I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash!
Paul sticks his head in.
PAUL MARCO Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes outside.
ED Great! Bring ’em in! Bunny, I gotta run.
Ed hangs up.
Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE.
Ed inspects them.
ED Too tall… too short… (he glances at the Chinese guy) And this guy doesn’t work at all.
PAUL MARCO Well I was thinkin’ like, when Bela played “Fu Manchu.”
ED That was Karloff. (beat) Paul, you gotta try harder. I don’t want this film to be haif-assed. This time, we go for the quality.
Paul turns to go.
ED And by the way, keep Sunday free. The producers want all of us to get baptized.
CUT TO:
INT. KATHY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed is typing deliriously fast — in one of his artistic fevers.
ED You know, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better!
KATHY Do you want your buttons on the left or the right?
ED The left. It’s more natural. (he squints at his script) Hey, I’ve got a scene where the aliens have the ultimate bomb. What would that be made of?
KATHY Uh, atomic energy?
ED No. They’re beyond that! They’re smarter than the humans. What’s more advanced?
KATHY Dynamite —
ED No, BIGGER! What’s the biggest energy??
KATHY The sun.
ED (ecstatic) Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh that’s gonna seem so scientific. (he resumes TYPING) This movie’s gonna be the ultimate Ed Wood film. No compromises.
Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked.
KATHY Oh my God. Look at this!
She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper.
INSERT – THE NEWSPAPER
A small headline says “VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED.” Underneath is the story: “Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings…”
ON ED AND KATHY
They’re astonished.
ED Those assholes.
KATHY The poor girl’s out of a job.
ED Yeah… (he looks up) I should give her a call.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira.
ED I’m really sorry…
VAMPIRA It’s terrible. People won’t even return my calls. It’s like I don’t exist.
ED I know what that’s like. (he pulls out his SCRIPT) Anyway, I brought a copy of the script. You would play the “Ghoul’s Wife.”
VAMPIRA (she grimaces) The Ghoul’s Wife?! God, I can’t believe I’m doing this…
KATHY You should feel lucky. Ed’s the only guy in town who doesn’t pass judgment on people.
ED (he laughs) Hell, if I did, I wouldn’t have any friends.
Vampira smiles uncomfortably.
VAMPIRA Look… would it be possible to make the “Ghoul’s Wife” a little less prominent, so people won’t really notice me in the movie?
ED You don’t wanna be noticed?
VAMPIRA Exactly. Hey, how ’bout this — what if I don’t have any lines? I’ll do the part mute!
Kathy suddenly sees someone.
KATHY Look, it’s Dr. Tom. (she SHOUTS) Hey, Dr. Tom!
ED Who’s Dr. Tom?
KATHY My chiropractor!
DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor, strides over. He smiles.
DR. MASON Kathy, how are you?! You’re looking in alignment today.
KATHY Actually, my neck’s a little funny.
Dr. Mason grabs Kathy’s neck and CRACKS it loudly.
ON ED
Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted.
ED Wait a second. Don’t move!
Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the Doctor’s face from the nose down.
ED It’s uncanny.
VAMPIRA What’s uncanny?
ED LOOK AT HIS SKULL!
CUT TO:
INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS – DAY
Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR singing an emotional SPIRITUAL.
Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr. Tom Mason sit in back. They’re all wearing white robes and arguing about the doctor.
TOR He look nutink like Bela!
CONRAD He’s kinds got his ears.
TOR You’re stupid!
KATHY No, cover up his face.
Kathy lifts Dr. Mason’s robe over his bewildered face.
CRISWELL Ah! Now I see it.
DR. MASON (goofily imitating Bela) “I want to suck your blood!”
Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms.
ED SHHH! We want these Baptists to like us.
