Ed Wood
The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and generators are sprawled across this isolated area.
Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He runs lines by himself.
TONY “Now Janet, I want you staying away from the old Willows Place.”
The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There’s only about an inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad.
ED You don’t understand! The octopus is supposed to live in a lake!
CONRAD This is kind of a stream–
ED NO! It has to be UNDERWATER!
Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head.
IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT
Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails over Ed.
BELA Eddie, I’m so tired… I don’t know if I can handle a night shoot…
ED Nonsense! You look great — (suddenly he catches himself; he speaks more sincerely) Look, uh, why don’t you lie down and take a little nap? We’ll film around you for a while.
ED Thanks, buddy…
Ed smiles warmly, then walks off.
Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through his pockets. Finally, he finds what he’s looking for — a rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one’s around, then ties the tube around his upper arm…
AT THE SET – LATER
Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water.
Ed stands at the shore, admiring it.
ED Hey. This is looking good! (he turns to Paul) Paul, where’s the octopus motor?
PAUL MARCO What octopus motor?
ED You know, to make the legs move —
PAUL MARCO (defensive) Hey, don’t blame me! You didn’t say anything about no motor when I was up on that ceiling!
Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile.
BELA Let’s shoot this fucker! Where do I go?
ED You’ll be fighting with the octopus.
BELA Out there?! (he points at the water) What happened to the stream?
ED This’ll look a lot better. We have to match the stock footage of the octopus underwater.
BELA Oh, for Christ’s sake.
Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He screams.
BELA Goddamn, it’s cold!
ED Once you’re in it, it warms up.
BELA Fuck you! You come out here. (beat) Hey, toss me that J.D.
A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus.
BELA Okay! How do we turn this thing on?
ED Bela, somebody misplaced the motor. So when you wrestle the octopus, shake the legs a bit, to make it look like it’s killing you.
Bela stares, deadpan.
BELA Do you know I turned down “Frankenstein”?
ED Huh?
BELA After I did “Dracula,” the studio offered me “Frankenstein”! But I turned it down, the part wasn’t sexy enough. It was too degrading for a big star like me.
The crew glances at Ed.
ED Bela, I’ve got twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight.
BELA Don’t let me slow you down.
ED Alright! Let’s put it on film. CAMERA! SOUND!
Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera.
ED ACTION!
Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in horror. This image is truly ridiculous.
Ed is pleased.
Some crew members nod: Pretty good.
ED And CUT!
Everybody cheers.
Then suddenly the dam walls BURST.
WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park below.
WIPE TO:
EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES – EARLY MORNING
Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the entrance, greeting them.
ED C’mon! Just one more day! Just have some coffee, you’ll feel better!
Tony staggers up.
TONY Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of sleep.
ED Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I feel great!
Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him.
ED Bela. I just wanna thank you again for last night.
BELA (exhausted) That’s fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty.
ED No. Seriously. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you’ve done for me. A great man like you shouldn’t have to run around in freezing water at four in the morning.
BELA Well, there aren’t too many other fellas I’d do it for…
ED (he smiles, then pulls out a script page) I wrote something special for you. I got to thinking about all the sacrifices you’ve made… and so I wrote you a new final speech.
Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches anxiously. Bela is very touched.
BELA (still reading) Eddie, this is quite a scene.
ED I know it’s a lot to give you at the last second.
Bela looks up.
BELA These lines — I’ll have no problem remembering.
WIPE TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a threatening European.
STROWSKI “Our government wants you to return… to continue your experiments there. Where you can have everything at your disposal.”
BELA (as VORNOFF) “My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my home land. I was classed as a madman — a charlatan — outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius!” (he gets very subdued) “Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am alright.”
STROWSKI “Yes, the authorities have learned how correct your findings were. So I am here — sent to bring you home.”
BELA (impassioned) “Home. I have no home. Hunted… despised… living like an animal — the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people — a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!”
It’s an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is totally drained.
CU – ED
He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible.
ED Cut. It’s a wrap.
CUT TO:
INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – NIGHT
The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant. People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta. Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself.
Bela and Criswell are giggling.
CRISWELL So you sleep in coffins?!
BELA Yes. There is nothing more comfortable.
CRISWELL I can’t believe this! I sleep in coffins!
BELA No.
