Ed Wood
ED NO! The aliens should look like people.
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY I’m tellin’ ya, aliens are always green.
ED Not in my movie, they’re not!
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Bunny’s make-up is now normal. He wears an alien suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre crossing gesture.
BUNNY “What plan will we follow?”
HAMMY ALIEN “Plan Nine.”
BUNNY “Plan Nine…” (he consults his papers) “Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the resurrection of the dead.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY
Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him.
OFF-STAGE
Ed smiles at the Baptists.
ED Maybe you guys were right. “Plan Nine” is a good title.
MINIATURE CITY SET
Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate and Conrad lights it on fire.
The “saucer” soars on fishing line over a little miniature town.
SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET
Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS.
COCKPIT SET
Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up.
PILOT Where’s the cockpit set?
ED You’re standing in it. (he yells off) Alright, bring in the shower curtain!
A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway.
EXT. DUSTY ROAD
A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the back window.
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans.
PILOT “So what if we develop this solarnite bomb? We’d be even a stronger nation.”
HAMMY ALIEN “Stronger? You see! You see!! Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!”
PILOT “That’s all I’m taking from you.”
He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out.
SCENE WITH CRISWELL
Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting
CRISWELL “Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it. For they will be from outer space.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET
The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through foggy cemetery.
Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully.
ED More fog! More fog!! (he beams) And CUT! PRINT IT! IT’S A WRAP!
END MONTAGE.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY – NIGHT
It’s pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He’s wearing a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The Rambler is filled with water.
Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown.
ED I can’t get it to go up.
KATHY Ed, you’re gonna miss your own premiere.
ED (he gives up) C’mon! Let’s just go.
Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims “WORLD PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!”
People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible, totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run inside.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and families, are gathered.
Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike.
CRISWELL You are about to see en extraordinary motion picture. But before it begins, I think we ought to give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn’t be here tonight… Eddie, take a bow!
The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy — even the Baptists. People YELL “Speech! Speech!”
Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs Criswell, then takes the microphone.
ED Thanks a million. I just wanna say… this film is for Bela.
The lights dim.
DISSOLVE TO:
MINUTES LATER
The title “PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE” is projected onto the screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over the happy faces of our friends watching.
Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled.
Tor laughs as he sees himself.
Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully.
Criswell mouths his own lines.
ON SCREEN
Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly smells the flower.
ON ED
He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself.
ED This is the one. I know I’ll be remembered for this film.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATER LOBBY – LATER
The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate Ed and pat him on the back. “It was great!” “It’s your best one yet!” “Bela would’ve loved it!”
Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It’s like a wonderful dream.
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed and Kathy run out.
KATHY Ed, I’m so happy for you.
ED Let’s get married.
KATHY (startled) Huh?!
ED Right now. Let’s drive to Vegas!
KATHY But it’s pouring. And the car top is stuck!
ED (he gives his killer grin) So? It’s only a five-hour drive. And it’ll probably clear up, once we hit the desert. Heck, it’ll probably clear up once we drive around the corner. I promise.
Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss.
Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring rain.
A moment.
And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning CRACKS across the sky.
OPTICAL:
We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window… and we’re back inside
INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR – NIGHT
Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us.
