Ed Wood
CRISWELL YES! My father ran a mortuary — it’s an old habit!
They CLINK beers.
EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – SAME TIME
Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a tin sign.
GIRLFRIEND #1 “McCoy Meat Packing”? Are you sure there’s a party here?
VAMPIRA (holding an INVITATION) Yeah, I got this invitation. It’s a “Bride Of The Atom” party, whatever that means.
They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash.
INT. PARTY
Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat.
PAUL MARCO “Glen Or Glenda,” now that was a hell of a picture.
CONRAD Well, this new one’s gonna be a hundred times better.
PAUL MARCO Is that possible?
Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief.
AT THE TURNTABLE
Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins.
A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag.
Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING.
Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind.
VOICE Go, baby, go!
Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed’s fake tits. People LAUGH hysterically.
Dolores is appalled.
Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees Vampira and waves.
Vampira’s jaw drops in recognition.
VAMPIRA I don’t believe it. It’s him!
Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage — and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips, then suddenly yanks out his teeth!
This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and CLAPS crazily.
ANGLE – DOLORES
Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes.
DOLORES You people are INSANE! Take a look around — you’re all FREAKS!
The room quiets. Dolores has snapped.
DOLORES You’re wasting your lives making SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies are TERRIBLE! (beat) I can’t take it any longer!
The group is shocked. Nobody speaks.
Dolores runs out of the party.
Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his high heels and dress.
EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – SAME TIME
Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up with her.
ED Dolores, wait!
DOLORES Ed, it’s over. I need a normal life.
ED (hurt) Did you really mean those things you said..?
Dolores stops.
DOLORES I’m tired of living on the fringe.
ED But you used to say —
DOLORES Ed… I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie. (pause) Now that it’s done, so am I.
She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands motionless, in his dress, in the dark.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Ed’s new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day.
The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it.
ED Yeah…
TOR (on phone) Ed, dit I wake you? It’s two in avternoon.
ED No, I was just doin’ a little work…
TOR (on phone) Bullchit! You been like dis too many days. I want to cheer you up.
EXT. TOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and reaches Tor’s little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy. He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL. Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside.
The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming.
TOR Edvard, you come!
Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug.
INT. TOR’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly.
TOR I’m so happy you visit. Meet my family! Greta, Karl, and Connie!
THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family we’ve ever seen. Not fat — but big-boned. GRETA is Tor’s gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: “Hallo!” “Welcome!” “Is a pleasure!”
Ed cannot believe what he’s seeing.
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer, incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a beer in one gulp, then opens another.
CONNIE Pass the meatballs.
KARL This strudel is delicious, Mama.
Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving.
TOR Hey! You’re not eatink.
ED Uh, I don’t have much of an appetite lately.
TOR The food will make you feel bedder. Look at me — I’m da happiest guy I know!
All the Johnsons CHUCKLE.
ED I’d be happy too, if I had such a great family.
TOR Don’t worry. You just haven’t met right woman yet. (beat) Oopsy. That cabbage goes right through me.
Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes conversation.
ED Greta, your husband is a terrific actor. You should come down and visit the set.
GRETA I don’t think so.
ED No, it’s really no problem at all!
GRETA (steely) I do not approve of what you do with my husband Tor. He is not a monster. These horror pictures are humiliating.
Ed has no response. Suddenly — CRASH! There’s a loud o.s. SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish.
TOR (O.S.) OUCH! GODDAMMIT!
Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled. Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is split in two.
TOR Look, it happened again!
Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness.
ED Tor, I should be getting home.
TOR Nonsense! You must try our hot glug.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER
It’s very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed.
TOR My friend, you tink Greta is first woman I ever see? No! Many duds, before I find her.
ED But I thought me and Dolores had something.
