Ed Wood
Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND LYN LEMON speaks up front.
REVEREND LEMON Brothers and Sisters, we’ve reached a special part of the service. The baptism of our new members! (beat) If the congregation will oblige, we’d like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma DuBois’s back yard.
EXT. BACKYARD – DAY
The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits stand in the shallow end, in their white robes.
Criswell whispers to Vampira.
CRISWELL Why couldn’t we do this in the church?
VAMPIRA Because “Brother Tor” couldn’t fit in the sacred tub.
MONTAGE:
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED
REVEREND LEMON …Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?
ED I do.
Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water.
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY
REVEREND LEMON …Do you reject Satan and all his works?
BUNNY (hiding a smirk) I do.
Reynolds DUNKS Bunny.
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR
REVEREND LEMON …Do you repent for all your sins?
TOR I do.
Tor winks slyly at Criswell.
Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds’ grasp and sinks to the bottom of the pool.
REYNOLDS Oh my God, I dropped him —
Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly.
CRISWELL (mischievous) I don’t think he’s coming up!
REVEREND LEMON Lord no! The man’s drowning!
REYNOLDS (scared) What do we do?!
REVEREND LEMON Help! HELP!!!
The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale.
REVEREND LEMON (near tears) Dear Jesus, please forgive us!
ON TOR
He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool.
Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH.
TOR Tor make good joke!
The Baptists aren’t amused.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY BUS – MORNING
A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up front — Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a “Grave Robbers From Outer Space” script.
EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD – SAME TIME
The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira off and warily looks around.
VAMPIRA This can’t be the right address…
She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it…
INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
And inside is the “Grave Robbers From Outer Space” famous CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop.
Tot struts about gregariously, in his “Inspector Clay” suit. He chats up the CREW.
TOR I am so happy! Finally I am star wit dialogue! I memorized every wordt. Eddie will be so proud!
The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script.
REYNOLDS Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions —
REVEREND LEMON The script refers on numerous occasions to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground highly offensive. It’s blasphemy.
ED (very annoyed) What are you talking about?! It’s the premise of the movie. It’s even the title, for Christ’s sake!
REVEREND LEMON (shocked) Mr. Wood!
REYNOLDS Yes, about that title, it strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don’t we change it to “Plan Nine From Outer Space”?
Ed shakes his head.
ED That’s ridiculous!
WIPE TO:
CEMETERY SET
They’re filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery. There’s a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in.
ED And, ACTION!
Tor steps onto the set
TOR (as Inspector Clay) “Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?”
COP “Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time.”
TOR “You get statement frumk vitnesses?”
COP “Yeah, but they’re pretty scared.”
TOR “Findink mess like dis oughta make anyone frightened. Have one of da boyz take dem back to town. You take jarge.”
ON THE CREW
Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL shakes her head.
The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside.
REYNOLDS What’d you give him all the lines for?? He’s unintelligible!
ED Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira won’t talk. Ihad to give somebody the dialogue.
REVEREND LEMON That’s not an answer.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT – LATER
As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the “cemtery,” waving his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun.
Ed grins at the Baptists.
ED See, no talking. Isn’t he good? (he grabs his MEGAPHONE) CUE DR. TOM!
DR. TOM (o.s.) Now?
ED YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED!
The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape over his face and stalks Tor.
Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists.
ED Isn’t it wonderful? Bela lives!
REVEREND LEMON Doesn’t this strike you as a bit morbid?
ED No, he would’ve loved it! Bela’s returned from the grave — like Dracula. (he grabs the MEGAPHONE) CUE VAMPIRA!
Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered. He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can’t stop zombies. Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT – LATER
Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery.
CONRAD (as a cop) “Let’s go down and find out whose grave it is.”
PAUL MARCO (as a cop) “Why do I always get hooked up with these spook details? Monsters! Graves! Bodies!”
ED CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY!
Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT.
The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over.
