Ed Wood
CRISWELL I predict it’s Dolores in a mask.
AT THE ALTAR
The Minister is speaking to Ed.
MINISTER …in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
ED I do.
MINISTER (he smiles) Then I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ed kisses Norma.
The crowd doesn’t applaud. They’re too baffled by this whole event.
DISSOLVE TO:
THE RECEPTION
Everyone’s drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma to his buddies.
ED Norma, this is Bela — Bela, this is Norma. Norma, this is Tor — Tor, this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul Paul, this is Norma.
PAUL MARCO (he can’t resist) So how long have you known Eddie?
NORMA (sweetly) Since Tuesday.
Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside.
CRISWELL Edward, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
ED Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but sometimes you just know. She’s perfect for me.
Outside, a car HONKS.
ED Oop, that’s our cue! (to Norma) Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE, EVERYBODY!
Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them.
OUTSIDE
Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says “Just Married” and is festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance…
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL – NIGHT
We’re at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A “Vacancy” light flashes.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – SAME TIME
Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her onto the bed, and they start ardently making out.
NORMA Eddie, I’m just a small-town girl. I’ve never done this before.
ED (kissing her) Don’t worry, I’ll teach you.
He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy.
NORMA Be understanding. I don’t know anything.
Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma nervously starts unbuttoning it.
Ed bites his lip in anticipation.
Norma opens the shirt… and inside, Ed is wearing a bra!
Norma is horrified.
NORMA What the heck is THIS?!!
ED Honey, I have a little secret to share with you.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL – SAME TIME
There’s a loud woman’s SCREAM.
Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out, clutching her dress about her.
NORMA Stay away from me! You’re perverted!
Ed runs out after her.
ED Please, be compassionate. I’m your husband!
NORMA No you’re not! This marriage was never consummated. I’m getting an annulment!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS – LATE NIGHT
Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says “Just Married,” and the tin cans RATTLE behind him.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S HOUSE – LATE NIGHT
Ed’s car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans, and throws them in someone’s trash.
Ed despondently approaches Bela’s. Inside, a light glows, and the dogs BARK.
Ed is relieved. Bela’s awake. He BANGS on the door.
ED Bela, let me in! Bela, it’s Eddie.
He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens — and Bela stands there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed, and disturbingly haggard.
BELA Why are you here??
ED Shit! Bela, what’s with the gun?
BELA Why aren’t you on your honeymoon? Where’s Myrna?
ED Norma. She changed her mind. She doesn’t wanna marry me. (beat) Can you put down the gun?
Bela weakly lowers the gun.
INT. BELA’S
Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia are scattered about
ED What are you doing?
BELA I was thinking about killing myself.
ED Jesus Christ, what an evening. (he looks around) What happened?
BELA (near tears) Eddie, I received a letter from the government. They’re cutting off my unemployment. That’s all I’ve got. Without it, I can’t pay the rent…
ED Don’t you have any savings?
BELA I’m obsolete. I have nothing to live for. Tonight, I should die. (distraught) And you should come with me.
Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified.
ED Buddy, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.
BELA It’ll be wonderful. We’ll be at peace. In the afterlife, you don’t have to worry about finding work.
ED Bela, I’m on your side. C’mon, give me the gun… (he cautiously steps forward) If you give me the gun, I’ll make you a drink. What are you drinking?
BELA Formaldehyde.
Ed stares in anguish.
ED Straight up or on the rocks?
Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping.
Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man.
ED Don’t worry.
BELA I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m so sorry.
ED Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be all right.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed’s car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital. It’s a grim, unwelcoming edifice.
Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then Ed gingerly leads Bela in.
INT. HOSPITAL – SAME TIME
The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A NURSE looks up, startled.
NURSE My goodness, you gave me the willies. You look like that Dracula guy.
BELA (very somber) My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to commit myself.
NURSE For what reason?
BELA I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I need help…
