Ed Wood
ED And we fade out. “The End.” (the film runs out) What do you think?
Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead.
GEORGIE I think it’s fifty-seven minutes long.
ED Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it?
GEORGIE (like a lecturing teacher) Ed, what was the one thing I asked you to do? Make it seven reels long. I’ve got contracts with my exhibitors. If it ain’t over an hour, they won’t play it.
ED Gee, I used every frame of film we shot. Maybe they won’t notice.
GEORGIE They’ll notice. (beat) Look, why don’t you let me take over from here? I can do a few tricks: Pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots…
ED Um, I guess —
GEORGIE Good. And one more thing. I think your “Written, Directed, and Starring Ed Wood” credit is a bad idea.
ED Why?! I did all those things! Hell, I even built the props.
GEORGIE And you did a bang-up job, too. But you don’t want other producers to know that’s you in drag. Trust me. It’s a career killer.
Ed is quite upset.
ED But I’m proud. I wrote, directed, and starred in it just like Orson Welles in “Citizen Kane”!
GEORGIE Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn’t wear angora sweaters, did he??!
Ed is beaten.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM – NIGHT
It’s the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people are packed into a tiny screening room.
The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare, and then: “Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA”
Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles. Credits continue: “Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller”
The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out.
BUNNY Daniel Who?!
Dolores leans in to Ed.
DOLORES Ed, who is Daniel Davis?
ED (sour) Some weirdo who likes to wear dresses.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER IN THE MOVIE
ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed.
DOLORES (on screen) “Glen. Is it another woman?”
Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response.
But suddenly — MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo stampeding. Bela’s angry face is superimposed over this.
BELA (on screen) “Pull the string! Pull the string!”
IN THE AUDIENCE
People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval.
ON-SCREEN
Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a hoochie-coochie dance!
IN THE AUDIENCE
The crowd is stunned.
CAMERAMAN BILL I didn’t shoot that!
Ed looks back at Georgie, who’s wearing a big satisfied grin.
ED Georgie, what’s with the stag footage?? You said you were cutting in establishing shots!
GEORGIE I did. I established some tits and ass.
Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie.
INT. PARTY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores. Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD.
BELA Wasn’t I something..? Did you see how I command the screen?!
Ed’s giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer.
BUNNY Ed, it was superb.
CONRAD A great show! A little strange… but great — especially my scenes.
ED Just like I always promised. Now you’re among the immortals. You’re movie stars.
PAUL MARCO (he raises his glass) Here’s to Ed. For making us into something.
It’s a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses.
Dolores kisses Ed.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE – DAY
We’re outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck.
ED From today on, our lives are different! We’ll be swimming laps in the same pool Jean Harlow did.
DOLORES I don’t know. It’s so much money…
ED Who cares?! We’re on a ROLL! These are the moments in life you’re supposed to grab.
DOLORES But Ed, we’re not even married. And you don’t have a job.
ED But you do! And anyway, I’ve got tons of new scripts. And now that I have a track record, studios are bound to hire me!
She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly.
ED Look on the bright side. If we miss the rent, what’s the worst they can do?
DOLORES Toss us out on our ass.
ED Exactly.
INT. BUNGALOW – DAY
The house is moved in. Ed’s unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby.
ED How ’bout a western? People love westerns.
BELA But, I don’t like horses. Do I have to get on one?
ED Eh, forget it. What else is big? (his face lights up) Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah… You got the juvenile delinquent, his girlfriend from the wrong side of the tracks —
BELA Who do I play?
ED Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father. He’s angry! He doesn’t like seeing his son — no — he doesn’t like seeing his daughter behave this way!
BELA (cautious, not to offend) Well… can’t I play the romantic part? I’m tired of always being the bad guy. You know, back in Hungary, I played Romeo! I would like to be the lover again — me, in a boat, with the girl…
Ed considers this.
ED Sure. Romance, that’s great! To engineer your comeback, we’re gonna need a whole slate of pictures. Once “Glen Or Glenda” takes off, we’ll slam you into one, then another, then another!
BELA (he smiles) That’s good. I could use the money.
ED But we need to start off with a bang! Something we know the audience will want to see. Mmm. What was your biggest hit?
BELA (he thinks) Hmm… my biggest hit? That would probably be “Dracula.”
ED Of course!
Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word “DRACULA.” Bela frowns.
BELA Those bastards at Universal. I made so much money for them, and now I can’t get the time of day.
ED
So let’s make another “Dracula.” Let’s make “The Return of Dracula”!
BELA We can’t. Those sons-a-bitches control the rights.
ED They do? Shoot. There must be a way to get around that…
Ed’s mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period after the “DR.” It now says “DR.ACULA”
ED Ha-ha! Dr. Acula!
BELA Dracula?
ED No! Doctor Acula! You can still wear the cape, have the fangs… but you’re a doctor! Not a count.
BELA Ah! This is very exciting.
