Alice in Wonderland
(to Alice)
You were younger when last we
met and yet, you seemed larger
somehow.
ALICE I cannot tell you how much
pishsalver I’ve had to swallow
lately.
WHITE QUEEN Ah. Would you care to join me
in the kitchen?
INT. THE WHITE QUEEN’S KITCHEN
MARCH HARE (0.5.) Too much pepper!
As they enter, a pepper mill flies acros the room and hits the
wall.
WHITE QUEEN Since I’ve been in exile, we
haven’t had the luxury of a
kitchen staff. Thackery has
been kind enough to help out
with the cooking.
MARCH HARE Alice 1 Come for tea, luv?
WHITE QUEEN She’s not here for tea. She’s
in need of upelkuchen. I’m
going to bake some up for her.
MARCH HARE No good! There’s already too
many people crowding up my kitchen.
It’s empty, but for the three of them.
WHITE QUEEN We’ll stay out of your way.
The Hare lifts a pot lid and listens as if the soup is talking
to him.
MARCH HARE No, I won’t listen. I’ve had
enough of your salty love-talk.
You had your chance with me.
You broke my heart and now I’m
done with you!
He picks up the pot and throws the soup at the wall.
THE OVENS
The White Queen prepares the batter for a cake. She opens a
cupboard filled with jars of herbs, spices, dried insects,
shriveled fingers, eyeballs, and other odious things.
Intermixed with these are bags of flour, salt and sugar.
WHITE QUEEN Let me think. Two cups flour,
one cup sugar,a pinch of fungas,
worm fat, tongue of blowfish. I’ve
been baking upelkuchen since I was
a child. My mother taught us how
to concoct all the medicinal cures
and transformational dishes.
(more ingrediants)
A pinch of thyme, three coins from
a dead man’s pocket and two table-
spoons of Wishful Thinking.
She spits into the batter, then pours it into the cake pans.
WHITE QUEEN (cont.) My sister preferred to study
Dominion Over Living Things.
Tell me, how does she seem to you?
ALICE She’s completely mad.
WHITE QUEEN She wasn’t always that way.
And her head?
ALICE Bulbous, bloated, like a blimp.
The Queen puts the cake into the oven.
WHITE QUEEN I think she may have some kind
of growth in there…something
pressing on her brain.
ALICE You can’t imagine the things
that go on in that place.
WHITE QUEEN When a champion steps forth to
slay the Jabberwocky, the people
will rise against her.
ALICE The Oraculum says that I will
slay the Jabberwocky.
WHITE QUEEN That is not going to happen
because it has been foretold. If
the events occur, it will be
because you cause them to.
ALICE But if I don’t slay the Jabberwocky,
how will I get home?
The Queen opens the door to check on the cake.
WHITE QUEEN All done.
She takes the cake out.
ALICE It takes a lot longer to
bake a cake where I come from.
WHITE QUEEN Then you’re putting too much
thyme in it.
WHITE QUEEN (cont.) I hope it tastes all right.
She gives her a big piece. Alice eats it with relish. She
holds out the empty dish.
ALICE More please.
The Queen takes the plate away firmly.
WHITE QUEEN It’s not cake, its upe.Zkuchen.
WHOOSH! Alice grows to her original size.
WHITE QUEEN (cont.) Feel better?
