Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
GONZO Don’t try and fight it, or you’ll get brain bubbles. Strokes, aneurysms. You’ll just wither up and die.
DUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS.
AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN.
NIXON Sacrifice… sacrifice… sacrifice…
DUKE PASSES OUT.
BLACK SCREEN 90.
INT. FLAMINGO HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT
Darkness. Insanely, somewhere NILSSON plays — “Put the lime in the coconut and mix em all up…”
DUKE (V/O) What kind of rat-bastard psychotic would play that song — right now, at this moment?
DUKE opens his eyes and the hotel suite rushes in. He lies, awkwardly twisted — unable to move. He could have been there days — months.
DUKE (V/O) When I came to the general back alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? Hours? Days? Months? All these signs of violence. What had happened?
DUKE moves his eyes — taking in his surroundings: Like THE SIGHT OF SOME DISASTROUS ZOOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT involving whisky and gorillas. Blue and red Christmas tree lights replace lightbulbs, used towels hanging everywhere, pornographic pictures ripped out of a magazine are plastered on a shattered mirror.
DUKE (V/O) There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD.
DUKE manages to move — stiffly gets to his bare feet — HOBBLES ROUND THE TRASHED ROOM like a newly risen ape.
DUKE (V/O) But what kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so, but then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust…
DUKE peers into Gonzo’s room — HIS BED LIKE A BURNED OUT RAT’S NEST — blackened springs and wires. 91.
DUKE (V/O) These were not the hoof prints of your normal god-fearing junkie. It was too savage, too aggressive.
QUICK FLASHBACK:
GONZO SMASHES THE TEN FOOT MIRROR WITH A HAMMER:
BACK IN THE ROOM:
DUKE stares at the smashed mirror.
DUKE (V/O) Grim memories and bad flashbacks.
In the bathroom, DUKE’S unlaced boots CRUSH BROKEN GLASS IN VOMIT AND GRAPEFRUIT RINDS.
DUKE unzips and pisses. THERE IN THE TOILET BOWL IS THE MAGNUM .357!
DUKE (V/O) Something ugly had happened. I was sure of it…
DUKE stares at the golden stream SPLASHING ON THE GUN.
The SOUNDS OF VOMITING come from a closet near the front door.
DUKE looks into the room. He sees GONZO’s ass sticking out of the closet. He opens his mouth to speak when, IN THE SMASHED MIRROR HE SEES THE FRAGMENTED REFLECTION OF HIMSELF… sleeping on the sofa.
The ominous SOUND OF A KEY TURNING in the room lock.
A hellish scream wakes up the SLEEPING DUKE. He sees GONZO grappling naked with the maid — gun to her head. GONZO is muffling her screams with an ice bag.
MAID Please… please… I’m only the maid. I didn’t mean nothin!…
DUKE (jumps up from the bed, flashing his press badge) YOU’RE UNDER ARREST! 92.
GONZO (to DUKE) She must have used a pass key. I was polishing my shoes in the closet when I noticed her sneaking in-so I took her.
DUKE shakes his head.
DUKE (barks at the MAID) What made you do it? Who paid you off?
MAID Nobody. I’m the maid!
GONZO You’re lying! You were after the evidence. Who put you up to this — the manager?
MAID I don’t know what you’re talking about!
GONZO Bullshit! You’re just as much a part of it as they are!
MAID Part of what?
DUKE The dope ring. You must know what’s going on in this hotel. Why do you think we’re here?
MAID (blubbering) I know you’re cops, but I thought you were just here for that convention. I swear! All I wanted to do was clean up the room. I don’t know anything about dope!
GONZO laughs.
GONZO Come on, baby don’t try to tell us you never heard of the Grange Gorman. 93.
MAID No! No! I swear to Jesus I never heard of that stuff!
DUKE Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe she’s not part of it.
MAID No! I swear I’m not!
GONZO (long pause) In that case, maybe she can help.
MAID Yes! I’ll help you all you need! I hate dope!
DUKE So do we, lady.
GONZO (helping her up) I think we should put her on the payroll. See what she comes up with.
DUKE Do you think you can handle it?
MAID What?
GONZO One phone call every day. Just tell us what you’ve seen. Don’t worry if it doesn’t add up, that’s our problem.
GONZO hustles the MAID to the door.
MAID You’d pay me for that?
DUKE You’re damn right. But the first time you say anything about this, to anybody — you’ll go straight to prison for the rest of your life. What’s your name?
MAID Alice. Just ring Linen Service and ask for Alice. 94.
GONZO Alright, Alice… you’ll be contacted by Inspector Rock. Arthur Rock. He’ll be posing as a politician.
DUKE Inspector Rock will pay you. In cash. A thousand dollars on the ninth of every month.
MAID Oh Lord! I’d do just about anything for that!
GONZO You and a lot of other people.
DUKE The password is: “One Hand Washes The Other.” The minute you hear that, you say “I fear nothing.”
MAID I fear nothing.
She repeats the password several times while they listen to make sure she has it right.
GONZO Oh, and don’t bother to make up the room. That way we won’t have to risk another of these little incidents, will we?
MAID Whatever you say, gentlemen. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about what happened…
GONZO Don’t worry, it’s all over now. Thank God for the decent people.
She smiles, repeating to herself “One Hand Washes The Other” as GONZO hangs the DO NOT DISTURB sign and shuts the door.
CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT.
A grimy tape runs through a grunged-up portable tape recorder.
GONZO ON TAPE … Thank God for the decent people. 95.
DUKE sits in the middle of the wrecked suite with his mangled tape recorder in front of him.
DUKE (V/O) Memories of that night are extremely hazy…
DUKE fast forwards through the tape — SEARCHING: “Awwww, mama… can this really…be the end…?”
EXT. SAFEWAY SUPERMARKET – DAY
The WHITE WHALE waits — gleaming — beautiful.
DUKE (V/O) There is a definite obligation, when you boom around Vegas in a white Coupe de Ville, to maintain a certain style.
DUKE and GONZO burst out of the supermarket riding a shopping basket loaded with COCONUTS, GRAPEFRUIT and TEQUILA. They send DEFEATED SHOPPERS sprawling.
The trolley collides into the WHITE WHALE. SHOPPERS gather at the supermarket entrance to watch — baskets loaded with junk, SCREAMING KIDS and EMPTY WALLETS.
DUKE switches on the music: JUMPING JACK FLASH. He selects a coconut — ceremonially balances it on the hood. GONZO pulls out a silver claw-hammer. A sly look at the gathering CROWD… then he smashes the hammer down on the coconut!
A GASP from the surly SHOPPERS.
DUKE places another coconut. SMASH! Milk and white meat flies everywhere.
SHOPPER #1 Hey! Is that your car?
DUKE Sure is.
SMASH! Coconut fragments fly.
DUKE Any of you folks want the milk? We’re after the meat. This is honest coconut essence. Real meat.
SMASH! 96.
SHOPPER #2 Meat, hell! Look what you’re doing to that car!
GONZO Fuck the car. They should make these things with a goddamn FM radio.
