Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
FILM NARRATOR … and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a rape victim… 75.
DUKE gazes at the TEXAN and his WIFE. — Feigning sickness, he gets up, hand over mouth.
DUKE Pardon me, I feel sick.
FILM NARRATOR He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command — including yours…
DUKE heads for the exit.
DUKE Sorry, sick… Beg pardon! Feeling sick…
FILM NARRATOR BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time [on him] will usually save nine on you.
DUKE CRASHES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.
INT. CASINO BAR – DAY
DUKE sees GONZO at the bar — talking to a SPORTY LOOKING COP about 40 whose name tag identifies him as a DISTRICT ATTORNEY FROM GEORGIA.
DA I’m a whiskey man myself. We don’t have much trouble from drugs where I come from…
GONZO You will. One of these nights you’ll wake up and find a junkie tearing your bedroom apart.
DA Naw!
GONZO They’ll climb right into your bedroom and sit on your chest with big Bowie knives. They might even sit on your wife’s chest. Put the blade right down on her throat. 76.
DA Not down in my parts.
DUKE joins them.
DUKE (to WAITRESS) Rum and ice, please.
DA
(looks at DUKE’S NAME TAG) You’re another one of these California boys. Your friend here’s been tellin’ us about dope fiends.
DUKE They’re everywhere. Nobody’s safe. And sure as hell not in the South. They like warm weather… You’d never believe it. In L.A. it’s out of control. First it was drugs, now it’s witchcraft.
DA Witchcraft? Shit, you can’t mean it!
The BARTENDER cleans his glasses, one ear straining for the conversation.
GONZO Read the newspapers.
DUKE Man, you don’t know trouble until you have to face down a bunch of these addicts gone crazy for human sacrifice!
DA Naw! That’s science fiction stuff!
DUKE Not where we operate.
GONZO Hell, in Malibu alone, these goddamn Satan worshippers kill six or eight people every day. All they want is the blood. They’ll take people right off the street if they have to. 77.
DUKE Just the other day we had a case where they grabbed a girl right out of a McDonald’s hamburger stand. She was a waitress, about sixteen years old… with a lot of people watching, too!
The BARTENDER keeps cleaning the same glass — more and more furiously.
DA What happened? What did they do to her?
GONZO Do? Jesus Christ, man. They chopped her goddamn head off right there in the parking lot! Then they cut all kinds of holes in her head and sucked out the blood!
DA (DA ad-libs a summation of the crime) And nobody did anything?
DUKE What could they do? The guy that took the head was about six-seven, and maybe three-hundred pounds. He was packing two Lugers, and the others had M-16s.
GONZO They just ran back out into Death Valley — you know, where Manson turned up…
DUKE Like big lizards.
GONZO … and every one of them stacked naked…
DA Naked!?
DUKE Naked. 78.
GONZO Yeh, naked!… except for the weapons.
DUKE They were all veterans.
DA Veterans?!!!?
Agog with the horrors of the story, the BARTENDER polishes the glass — faster and faster…
GONZO Yeh. The big guy used to be a major in the Marines.
DA A major!
GONZO We know where he lives, but we can’t get near the house.
DA Naw! Not a major.
GONZO He wanted the pineal gland.
DA Really?
GONZO That’s how he got so big. When he quit the Marines he was just a little guy.
DUKE Usually, it’s whole families. During the night. Most of them don’t even wake up until they feel their heads going — and then, of course, it’s too late.
The glass smashes in the BARTENDER’s hand.
DUKE (CONT’D) Happens every day.
DUKE turns to a WAITRESS with a warm smile. 79.
DUKE (CONT’D) Three more rums. Plenty of ice. Maybe a handful of lime chunks.
WAITRESS Are you guys with the police convention upstairs?
DA We sure are, Miss.
WAITRESS I thought so. I never heard that kind of talk around here before. Jesus Christ! How do you guys stand that kind of work?
GONZO (grinning) We like it. It’s groovy.
The WAITRESS stares — sickened — at GONZO.
DUKE What’s wrong with you? Hell, somebody has to do it.
GONZO Hurry up with those drinks. We’re thirsty. Only two rums. Make mine a Bloody Mary.
DA (whacks his fist on the bar) Hell, I really hate to hear this. Because everything that happens in California seems to get down our way, sooner or later. Mostly Atlanta. But that was back when the goddamn bastards were peaceful. All we had to do was to keep ’em under surveillance. They didn’t roam around much… But now Jesus, it seems nobody’s safe.
GONZO (with a conspiratorial nod) You’re going to need to take the bull by the horns — go to the mat with this scum. 80.
DA What do you mean by that?
GONZO You know what I mean. We’ve done it before and we can damn well do it again!
DUKE Cut their goddamn heads off. Every one of them. That’s what we’re doing in California.
DA (stupefied) WHAT?
GONZO Sure. It’s all on the Q.T., but everybody who matters is with us all the way down the line.
DUKE We keep it quiet. It’s not the kind of thing you’d want to talk about upstairs. Not with the press around.
DA (recovering slightly) Hell, no. We’d never hear the goddamn end of it.
DUKE Dobermans don’t talk.
DA What?
GONZO Sometimes it’s easier to just rip out the backstraps.
DUKE They’ll fight like hell if you try to take the head without the dogs.
DA God almighty! (muttering in a daze) I don’t think I should tell my wife about this. She’d never understand. You know how women are. 81.
DUKE gives the DA a brotherly slap on the back.
DUKE Just be thankful your heart is young and strong.
DUKE and GONZO leave the stunned DA — staring into the swirling ice in drink.
INT. HOTEL FLAMINGO SUITE – DAY
DUKE and GONZO fall into the suite in fits of laughter.
GONZO feels the nausea rise suddenly — heads for the bathroom. Immediate sounds of retching.
The phone message light is blinking. DUKE opens a beer, picks up the phone.
DUKE What’s the message? My light is blinking.
CLERK (V/O) Ah, yes. Mr. Duke? You have one message: “Call Lucy at the Americana Hotel, room 1600.”
DUKE Holy shit!
DUKE slams the phone down. GONZO emerges from the bathroom — looking like death.
DUKE Lucy called.
GONZO sags visibly — like an animal taking a bullet.
GONZO What?
The telephone rings. DUKE answers.
