The Libertine
King And that’s why the great epic about my reign became a squalid little play about knobbing. And that’s why Downs died. I thought about putting you in the Tower. I even considered putting your head on a spike. But I’ve decided on something worse. I’m going to ignore you. I will no longer encourage any hope in my breast for you. I am condemning you to be you, for the rest of your days.
John How I hate the country. Drink. Drink!
Alcock The shelves are empty, my lord.
John Go to the cellars, cunt! I said, find me a fucking drink. Are you unable to discharge your duties as housekeeper?
Alcock I fear this is the last, my lord.
John Elizabeth, why has the cellar not been replenished?
Elizabeth Leave us. Leave us!
Alcock My lady.
Elizabeth I am ever your last resort. When your mistress has kicked you into the street and the last whore in Covent Garden refuses to attend to you, then and only then do you come to me!
John I think you will never be a contented woman until you are a much-respected widow. And I am hard at work on doing you that last good service.
Elizabeth I don’t want you to die! I want you to live, and live differently!
John Ow!
Elizabeth Stop it!
John Ow! Elizabeth!
Elizabeth Why? If it’s good for you, is it not good for me, too?
John It is not good for me.
Elizabeth Why then do you pursue that path? When were you last a sober man?
John Three years. . . No, four. . . four years ago. Five. Five.
Elizabeth And are you not, John, a rational man? Has not your intellect been widely praised?
John It has.
Elizabeth So, this man of intellect, this rational man, knowing that five years of constant drinking have rendered his body feeble and his spirit low, what would this man of intellect do?
John You seek to trap me like a. . .
Elizabeth What would he do?
John . . . cunning lawyer! He would desist! Cunt!
Elizabeth Yes, he would desist. And those he loved would they not show their love by beseeching him to desist?
John It is not so simple, my darling.
Elizabeth I’ve heard men say that the devil is in you. If that be so, I know how he made his entrance.
J’s Mother He has suffered much both in sickness and in reputation. You are a man of God. Bring my son to him. My son, God has seen fit to visit these terrible diseases on you. But it torments me less as a mother to see you die in agony in the arms of God. . . than live an atheist.
John Mother. If God wants men to have faith, why does he not make us more disposed to believe?
Vicar Most men are so disposed.
John But not me.
Vicar Because you set your reason against religion.
John I despised reason.
Vicar You clung to reason. You laughed in the face of God with the aid of reason.
John Speak me that speech again. Those words from Isaiah.
Vicar ‘And he is despised and rejected of men. A man of sorrows. . . and acquainted with grief’.
John ‘And we hid our faces from him.’ God raise me from this bed to do what I must do.
Courtier We’ve taken soundings. It’s very close. We may be fifteen votes short.
Lord 1 The House cannot give way to the King on this matter!
King Then get me fifteen votes.
Lord 1 And I believe it will not!
Lords Hear, hear!
Lord 1 The Earl of Rochester.
Lord 2 Coward!
Lord 3 Coward!
Lord 4 Coward!
Lord 5 Coward!
Lord 6 Coward!
John Mt lord. . . the bill before us would seek to bar the King’s brother from succeeding to the throne on the grounds that he is a Catholic. And for this reason, it has been said that no good Protestant can speak against this bill. And yet, sir, I cannot forbear to offer some objections against it. But the question will arise in the minds of some lords here present. . . as to whether I am indeed. . . a good Protestant. No man here will question, I hope, my goodness. . . in any one of the three chief pursuits of our age, the scribbling of verses, the emptying of bottles, and the filling of wenches. There may be those with a claim to be as good as I, but taking these three pursuits simultaneously. . . and, sir, I have so taken them, and can vouch that considerable manual dexterity is required, I cannot be equalled, let alone bettered. So, let not my goodness be questioned. It is not so many years since our present King’s father. . . was killed on a kind of stage, outside the walls of this very building. And, in time, his murderers were condemned and themselves executed. But. . . were they condemned without being heard? They were not. In spite of the certainty of their guilt and the horrid weight of their cowardly crimes, they were allowed the due process of law. But what is suggested before this House. . . is that we condemn that murdered king’s second son with less shrift than was given to his killers. My lord, let us have justice. When the time arrives for our good and present king to be taken from us, let then his Catholic brother be impeached in this House in the normal way. And if he be found wanting, then let his head be chopped off at the neck. . . if the House feel that is what he merits. But for my part, I shall believe my oath of allegiance to the throne to be a thing inviolable. . . and that whatever the faith of the successor to the throne, his pre-eminence in the royal lineage must hold sway over all other considerations. Sir, my humble motion. . . is that the monarchy. . . be
Lords Hear, hear!
Lord 1 Kings are Kings! You can’t pick and choose!
Lord 2 Throw it out! Throw it out!
Lord 3 He spoke for us all!
King Johnny. You did it. You finally did something for me.
John I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me.
Courtier Your Majesty, we won. By forty votes.
King There you are, Johnny. You did it.
George Molly. I’ve brought in the Earl to gawp at my triumph.
Molly Authors have a place, Mr Etherege. It is in the garret. I do not like them cluttering up my theatre.
George Lizzie won’t see him. She won’t see Johnny. This is the only way.
Molly I don’t want her upset.
John I could have written a splendid play.
George NO, you couldn’t. The Man Of Mode. The spirit of the age caught for all time. I did it. You didn’t, because you don’t have the gift.
John Gentle George.
Lizzie What is he doing here?
Molly Don’t blame me.
George John, I’ll see you after. I’ll be at Long’s.
John Very well. Lockett’s?
George Long’s.
John Long’s. I saw the first two acts.
Lizzie And you didn’t like me?
John To the contrary. I could bear your brilliance no longer. Mr Harris, you are playing me. The understudy has become the actor.
Mr Harris My lord, I heard news of your death six months ago and experienced a spasm of regret. But your subsequent resurrection has quite cured my grief.
John I am nature, and you are art. Let us see how we compare.
Molly Mr Harris has a quick change and you will let him be.
John Here we have him, your Restoration gent. He’s not pissed his breeches today and he can walk in a straight line for two hundred yards without falling on his face and retching. Now, look you upon this picture and on this. He has not washed. He cannot walk. And he most certainly will not be able to raise either the price of his dinner or his own pintle.
Mr Harris I must be got into my nightgown.
John This is what I envy in you stage people. You make time seem so important. I must change my clothes now! I must make my entrance now! But life is not a succession of urgent nows. It is a listless trickle of Why should I’s.
Molly You’re on. Five minutes only, Mrs Barry.
John I never wanted you for a mistress, Lizzie. I wanted you for my wife.
Lizzie You have no understanding, do you? It was not being your mistress that I was tired of, John. I was tired of you. I did not wish to be your wife. I do not wish to be anyone’s wife. I wish to continue being the creature I am. London walks into this theatre to see me. Not George’s play, nor Mr Betterton. They want me, and they want me over and over again. I will not swap my certain glory for your undependable love.
John I wanted you to have my child.
Lizzie I had your child. A daughter. When the theatres were closed in the summer. By the start of the season I was flat enough to play Desdemona in a nightgown.
Molly Two minutes, Mrs Barry, please.
John What is her name?
Lizzie Elizabeth.
John Elizabeth? The child of our passion. When I bred my other children, I placed no value on human life at all, and. . . now you send me away. And I cannot go back to where I was before. I shall never forgive you for teaching me to love life.
Lizzie If I taught you that, then our account is settled. Your lesson to me was my livelihood. And mine to you was life itself. We have no need to meet again.
John Lizzie.
Lizzie If you are in London, and you have half a crown in your pocket, you may see me there. For the rest, I hope I shall always be in your heart, sometimes in your thoughts, but never in your debt.
