The Libertine
John King’s, yes. And yet you do not draw the moral of the incident.
Billy Which is?
John That any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense. Mark it well.
Alcock My lord! My Lord Rochester.
John You’ve come back.
Alcock In your livery, my lord.
John Then you are turned honest. I cannot support that.
Alcock I regret the deed’s honesty. My Lord. But I considered that if I performed it and fell into your service, I would have more. . . enjoyment of life.
John You see, this fellow has the hang of the reign. I like this fellow exceedingly. What is your name?
Alcock Alcock.
George Like master, like servant.
John Well, Alcock, you shall drink and shag more than any serving man in the kingdom. Go at once and spend the rest of the money on a whore, a large, greasy one. Then when you are done, return here to me. Now begone.
Man 1 Rochester!
Woman 1 Disgrace!
Man 1 Rochester! Rochester! Missed you, Lord Rochester! He is risen! My Lord!
Woman 2 My Lord!
Man 2 Impertinent bastard!
Man 3 Johnny! My Lord Rochester!
Man 4 Rochester, you are a cunt, sir!
Woman 3 I smell a rotten odour.
Woman 4 I’ll suck it for you, Johnny, if you promise not to marry me!
Woman 5 Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King!
Charles I’m going to brazen my arse at them.
George They’ve all seen it.
Charles Well, they can bloody well put up with it again.
Woman 5 Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King!
All Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King! Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King! Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King! Johnny said ‘cunt’ to the King!
Jane My Lord.
John Dear Jane.
Jane Give you your first London spurt of the summer.
John I brought the wife with me.
Jane Bit of a waste. Shooting good jism up the lawful.
Mr Harris Ladies and gallants all, the King!
John Oh, freeze my piss, if the royal finger ain’t beckoning me. How exciting. Did you miss me?
Jane I missed the money.
John Good. Don’t like a whore with sentiment.
King I could have ignored your poem, Johnny, but I made a fuss about it for a reason. I won’t hide anything from you. The country’s on the brink. People are still reeling from the fire, the plague. The Catholics are plotting, the Dutch are a bunch of bastards. And the French are ten times worse, and there’s no money. I can only get funds by crawling to parliament or plotting against them. And I don’t want to lock antlers with them head on in the way my father did.
John ‘Head on’. That’s quite good.
King When you first came to court, Johnny, you were a boy of eighteen. A certain flippancy, a whiff of impertinence. This was acceptable. But we’re ten years down the road and the view is different. The tone has to change. I have to look responsible, sober. I want you with me. That’s why I brought you back. I want you to take on a new role.
John Here? In the playhouse?
King No, the House of Lords. Your father spirited me out of England when my life was at stake, so I looked after him and after you.
John You put me in the Tower.
King And I let you out. The time has come for you to pay your dues. People listen to you, Johnny. If you took your seat in the Lords, you could make great speeches that would influence events. Anyone can oppose. It’s fun to be against things. But there comes a time when you have to start being for things as well.
John Your Majesty.
Woman Mr Etherege. Take a nibble?
George I’ve had my dinner, thank you, madam.
Billy George.
Lizzie Is this thy plighted faith? Is this thy truth? Oh, too unkind! False and unconstant youth! Madam, believe not but my brother’s just.
John Who’s she?
George She’s Lizzie Barry. And she just won’t do.
Lizzie You wrong his honour by this mean distrust.
Man Louder!
John Well.
Actress That does alleviate my griefs and give my wearied soul a soft and kind reprieve. Which ever to forget would be as hard and as impossible as to reward.
Lizzie Serving you my happiness secures. Since equally with yours my hopes are crossed.
Audience Get off.
Lizzie Of all but sorry and sad despair.
Molly Lizzie. Lizzie! On stage. You must take your bow for the public. Why do you insist in doing the opposite of what you are told? If girls like you do not do what they are told, then it is all up with our sex on the stage. You cannot ignore the advice of them that know! Now, acknowledge your audience.
Lizzie They can kiss my arse.
Charles She’s a good fuck, but she costs. She gives a nice gobble, but she won’t do the full wibbly-wobbly.
George She does it with me.
Charles She does not! Mary, if I may say so a statuesque performance.
George Bursting with Grecian promise.
Mr Harris Mrs Barry, the work we did beforehand, did it mean nothing to you/
Lizzie That is correct, Mr Harris.
Mr Harris Molly, I cannot tech those who will not be disposed to learn. Mr Etherege, how do you do, sir?
George Well, Mr Harris.
Mr Harris Was my Lord Rochester in with you?
George Darted off.
Mr Harris Did you care for the play?
George The play was well enough.
Billy Most of the acting, too.
John Mrs Barry.
Molly She has been dismissed.
John I bring word from Mt Betterton.
Lizzie I’ve had such already.
John This is quite another.
Lizzie You have obtained a reprieve for me.
John Yes, madam, but there is a price. This is your first season on the London stage.
Lizzie It is, my lord.
John Mrs Barry, you must acquire the trick of ignoring those who do not like you. In my experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories, the stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years’ time, the envious never. With my training, you will become the best, the most fascinating actress on the London Stage. I shall come to the theatre tomorrow.
George What are you up to, Johnny? She can’t act.
Billy She has neither the cadence of the heroic nor the posture.
John I will wager you twenty guineas she will become the finest actress on our stage.
Charles This is the prick talking, not the head. Knob her and have done.
John Is it a wager?
George My dear friend, you do not have twenty guineas.
John Is it a wager?
Charles We’ve missed the fuck. Can we get a drink?
Billy There’s a new toping house hard by called Deaf Marion’s.
