The Libertine
Transcript written by and used with the courtesey of Angela Sugden
Lord Rochester Allow me to be frank at the commencement. You will not like me. The gentlemen will be envious and the ladies will be repelled. You will not like me now and you will like me a good deal less as we go on. Ladies, an announcement. I am up for it. All the time. That id not a boast or an opinion. It is bone-hard medical fact. I put it round, you know. And you will watch me putting it round and sigh for it. Don’t. It is a deal of trouble for you, and you are better off watching and drawing your conclusions from a distance, than you would be if I got my tarse up your petticoats. Gentlemen, do not despair. I am up for that as well. And the same warning applies. Still your cheesy erections till I’ve had my say, but later when you shag, and later you will shag, I shall expect it of you, and I will know if you have let me down. I wish you to shag with my homuncular image rattling in your gonads. Feel. . . how it was for me, how it is for me. And ponder. Was that shudder the same shudder he sensed? Did he know something more profound? Or is there some wall of wretchedness that we all batter with our heads at that shining live-long moment? That is it. That is my prologue. Nothing in rhyme. No protestations of modesty. You were not expecting that, I hope. I am John Wilmot. Second Earl of Rochester. And I do not want you to like me.
Man 1 Wrens’ upset. The clergy approved the most conventional design for the cathedral. Now he feels there’s no room for artistic manoeuvre.
King Put a sub-clause in the warrant ‘Variations in the design are to be ornamental rather than essential’. Then he can do what he wants. Next.
Man 1 There are representations for you to be more careful in public.
Man 2 Perhaps a bodyguard.
King Whose idea is that?
Man 2 Your brother.
King Ha! No-one’s going to kill me if it means having him on the throne. Next.
Man 1 Danby says the army is costing too much. It’s Danby’s job to balance the books.
King If he thinks it’s good economics to disband the army and be invaded by the French, he can look for another position. Anything else?
Man 2 You asked me to remind you about the Earl of Rochester.
King When did I banish him?
Man 2 Three months ago.
King For how long?
Man 2 A year.
King Bring him back. Now.
J’s Mother John. Be attentive to your wife. She’s not accustomed to London.
John Mother, I shall in all things endeavour to serve her and you.
J’s Mother Serve God.
John You must not fear London.
Elizabeth It is not London I fear. You abducted me in a coach like this when I was still a virgin heiress.
John And did you like abduction?
Elizabeth Passionately.
John Speak of it.
Elizabeth John! This is not the place.
John Speak to me of abduction.
Elizabeth I was eighteen. And worth two and a half thousand a year. You ambushed me, bundled me from my coach, and drove me away. The King thrust you in the Tower for it. And I dug in my heels and spurned and shunned the other men. I would only embrace my dear abductor.
George Dryden’s new play. Here, Chas, grab a wodge.
Charles Dryden couldn’t write a laundry list.
Man Rochester!
Charles Johnny!
George Johnny. We were pining for you. Even now we’re pining.
John When I wake in the country, I dream of being in London, and then when I get here, it’s full of people like you.
George Johnny.
John This reign’s a shambles, do you not think? My father risked life and limb hiding that thing Charles up an oak tree.
George Has he forgiven you?
John Oh, he’s forgiven me. I shan’t forgive him.
George Why did he banish you this time?
John Well, it is a fine morning, I’m walking through the galleries. The King is walking through the galleries. I’m splendidly alone. The King is surrounded by a slow-moving troop, of Mediterraneans.
Charles The wife’s family.
John And he must make show of me. ‘Behold, the Earl of Rochester, the wit. The poet. Pray, let us have some of your muse’. What am I to do? Then I recall in my pocket I have a sketch of something rustic with nymphs. I pull it out and deliver. “In the Isle of Britain, long since famous grown For breeding the best cunts in Christendom.” Rat me, thinks I, this is not the piece of paper I had supposed. The King’s eyes are more piercing than I can remember. The jaws of his entourage are decidedly earthbound. This piece of paper is not covered merely with the thump and slop of congress. This poem is an attack on the monarch itself. Culminating in depiction of the royal mistress striving to flog the flaccid royal member into a state of excitement. “This you’d believe had I but time to tell you, The pains it cost to poor laborious Nelly. Whilst she employs hands, fingers, mouth and thighs, Ere she can raise the member she enjoys. All monarchs I hate, and the thrones they sit on, From the hector of France to the cully of Britain.”
George It’s damn good, though, Johnny.
John Course it’s good. That’s not the point. The point is he couldn’t appreciate it. It took me nearly an hour to write it, just to please him. Three months in the fucking country at the height of the season. Missed all the good plays.
George Boring old Rowley. We love you, Johnny. Give us a stanza and we’ll laugh in the King’s place.
John To Etherege, I drink a pledge. His life has run the gamut. He’s penned nought good since She Would If She Could. He would if he could, but he cannot.
George Well, Johnny, it is a damn well said thing, but it ain’t true, do you see?
John Oh, but it is true, Georgie. You think you can still enjoy the town’s esteem for something you wrote seven years ago. You can’t be promising for ever, George. Sooner or later you must do something.
George But that’s what I’m saying. I have written a new play.
John Oh. Written a new play has he? All those afternoons he was pretending to slope off and roger his mistress like a decent chap, he was lurking in his rooms, poking away at a play. That is disgusting, George.
Charles Disgusting and shameful.
John What’s it about, your play? A satire on Dryden?
George Pox o’ Dryden. It’s about you.
John And in your play, do you tell the truth about me?
George Well, I’ve attempted to show you. . .
John Yes?
George Well, I enjoy your company.
John You’ve made me endearing.
George Well, only the public can. . .
John Don’t smarm around, George.
George You’re an endearing sort of. . . chap.
John So you haven’t told the truth. Good. We don’t want to go frightening people. Now, how about a real play?
Charles The Duke’s have the new Otway.
John Oh, I have high hopes of young Tom Otway. Let me finish him off, sir.
Master This fellow is my servant. He has just filched two shillings from my coat pocket.
John A thief and a rogue.
Master My lord, you express it.
John Haven’t quite got the hang of the reign yet, have you?
Master I will not employ a thief.
John Then I will. How much was your master paying you?
Alcock Six shillings a week, sir.
John Who talks of thieving? George, give him five pounds. Buy a brown livery and report to me at the Duke’s Theatre.
Master He will steal your gold.
John I hope so. If he turned honest after coming into my orbit, then I am not the malicious planet I had hoped. Now begone, sir.
Tailor And er. . . how will your lordship be paying?
John Credit. I only use coin vulgarised with the monarch’s head for transactions with servants.
Tailor I am ever your humble servant.
John No, Mr Ratcliffe, you are the very prince of drapery.
Tailor The prince is always happy to see the King’s head.
John But hot to carry it around in his pocket.
Tailor Credit then.
George Billy. Join us. Johnny. This is Billy Downs. Billy, this is the Earl of Rochester.
John How old are you, Mr Downs?
Billy Eighteen, my lord.
John Young man, you will die of this company. Do not laugh. I’m serious. Mr Ratcliffe, this hangs very well.
Billy My lord, I saw you just now with the gent’s servant.
John Do you think I dispensed wisely in the matter?
Billy If the fool run off with the gold, then you prove a point, but at your loss. If he return in your livery, then you’ve gained a servant who is a known cheat. So you prove a different point, but again at your own expense.
John You summarise well, Mr Downs. And in such a manner, I deduce you were trained at one of the ‘count the angels on a pinhead’ Cambridge colleges. King’s, was it not?
Billy It was, my lord.
