The Libertine
John No, Mr Harris.
Mr Harris Oh, I am glad to hear that from the author.
John With the dress rehearsal, the court performance and the public showing, I envisage three.
Mr Harris Right. I don’t know if you’ve met my regular understudy, Mr Lightman. He’s a most dependable fellow.
John Sir, you have the honour of playing my understudy.
Mr Harris Well, I shall take this opportunity to withdraw from the engagement.
John You are one of life’s understudies!
Charles If tonight goes wrong, we’ll be at war within a week.
George Have faith.
Billy Whatever else may go wrong, your words will command admiration.
John They always do. Lizzie, you’re looking pale. Molly, work the magic of your art on Mrs Barry.
George There’s the French ambassador. No. Makes me weepy.
Singer All you ladies of Merrie England who have been to kiss the Duchess’s hand Pray did you lately observe in the show A noble Italian called Signor Dildo?
Charles I weep, but from a different end.
Singer Who helped to conduct her over the Main But now she cries out, ‘To the Duke I will go’. ‘I have no more need for Signor Dildo’. The good lady Southesk broke into a laugh. . .
Ambassador Very good, this Italian workmanship. People pay more for quality.
Singer The frops were undone, did their graces but know The discretion and vigour of Signor Dildo. . .
Ambassador I’d like to meet the man who wrote this.
Singer Then away with these nasty devices and show How you rate the just merits of Signor Dildo Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo.
John Thus in the zenith of my lust I reign. I eat to swive and swive to eat again. Let other monarchs, who their sceptres bear to keep their subjects less in love and fear, be slaves to crowns. My nation shall be free. My pintle only shall me sceptre be. My laws shall act more pleasure than command, and with my prick, I’ll govern all the land.
George Chas, tell me this ain’t happening.
Charles His prick out any second. I can feel it in my water.
Ambassador It’s very amusing, because in France he would be executed for this.
John The King commands all men from humid cunt to humane arsonist. Buggery we choose and buggery we’ll allow. I do proclaim the manly arse so firm shall be the sole recipient of sperm!
King Lord Rochester, this portrayal of yours. . . would it be based on a particular monarch?
John No, Your Highness. My character is far too fantastic a creation ever to have drawn breath. Now resume your seat. You’re intruding on my stage.
King No, you’re intruding on mine. I hand you a chance to show your shining talent and what do you give me in return? A pornographic representation of a royal court where the men deal only in buggery and the women’s sole object of interest is the dildo!
John A monument to your reign.
Billy Johnny!
King Disappear? People don’t disappear. Monsieur Barrillon.
Ambassador Your majesty, it is with regret that I must make my return to France tout de suite.
George I hate racing. The sport of Kings? The sport of peasants!
Charles Come on, Georgie. You like it when you win.
George I must have seen the backside of sixty pounds today. I could have bought a horse. Vanishing Spark. Why did you let me bet on a horse called Vanishing Spark?
Charles What the fuck?
George Johnny!
John Gents, spare a drink for a couple of chums?
Charles Where’ve you been?
John Our show was such a success in the capital, we had to undertake an extensive tour of the provinces. Now, where’s the fucking drink?
George Come on, Charlie, get out your winnings.
Charles This is it, gentlemen! This is the residence of the whore personally recommended by Mr Dryden himself, who glories in the name of Molly Noakes.
Billy Well, what are we waiting for? Open up, keeper of the gate!
Charles Molly! Molly!
George Molly. . .
Charles Molly!
Man 1 Gentlemen?
John Where’s Molly?
Billy We want Molly and we want her fast.
Man 1 Young man, you are pissing on my top boots.
Billy Yes, fellow. But you are a whorehouse doorstep man and we are the cream of the country.
Man 1 I am Constable of the Watch.
George Dryden can’t even write a shag map.
Billy You, sir, are a rogue and a liar.
Man 2 Murder! Help!
Man 1 Now, then, gentlemen. . .
George I do believe there’s been a small species of error. We are. . . Johnny! Johnny!
Billy Johnny!
Man 1 No!
Billy Aargh. Aargh. My eyes! Johnny, please. . . Johnny!
John I told you.
King It’s been six months. Where the fuck is he? Find him.
Courtier Your Majesty.
John (voice) I find myself at the gates of death, almost blind and utterly lame. Scarce with the reasonable hope of ever seeing you again. With my sickness it seems the world has turned hateful of me. But I will rise again to right this injustice and take back your heart.
John The mercury cures the pox, but it scrambles the mind. Poses a problem for a gent, does it not? The prick or the brain?
Jane Sshhh. Johnny, shush.
Courtier 1 He’s been seen in Cheapside, accompanied by a serving man and a whore. If he’s very drunk, he’ll be no problem. If he’s a bit drunk, be careful.
Courtier 2 What if he’s sober?
Courtier 1 You’ve got the wrong man.
Jane Ladies and gents! Gather near! Listen well. For I got a doctor’s cure to sell. Mouth, stomach, knees and toes. All be cured by Dr Bendo.
John (Muttering). Little chicken. (Muttering). Questurino! (Jabbering). Mayo. In honestus. Gulpo. (Jabbering). Poofay. In flatuo. In flatuo.
King The French, Parliament, his syphilitic earlship. I’m being pissed on from half a dozen directions at once, and it don’t accord with my majestic dignity.
Courtier 1 We have three confirmed sightings. Our sources are impeccable.
King Take me to them. Now.
Alcock I’ve shut up shop for the day. I had to turn forty people away.
John I think it mean work cozening citizens of their money.
Alcock We made eighty pounds today.
John We are here for our recreation.
Alcock We’re here ‘cos we can’t show our faces.
John Do you ever think. . . on our Lord Jesus Christ? He was cast like me into the wilderness. He was scorned and reviled. He was betrayed by his followers.
Alcock I believe that in most respects, his life was of a different character from yours.
John He would have brought Billy Downs back from death.
Alcock Ach, them are wandering thoughts.
John Leave me. Go!
Jane Johnny! Johnny! Aargh! Johnny! Leave him alone!
Courtier On your knees.
John I’m not impressed. It has taken you six months to find me.
King You think in six months I’ve given you more than five minutes’ thought? Those Parliament bastards are trying to shaft me again with the new bill to exclude my successors. Subtle. Instead of chopping kings’ heads off, you pick and choose the ones you want. That’s my civil war. Not you. Mr Etherege is packing out the Dorset Gardens with you as the greatest spark on Earth. The East End is throwing down it’s purse for you to be a quack doctor. And the town has you branded as a coward who leaves his friend to die in a brawl.
John All men would be cowards. . . if they only had the courage.
King The boy died and you ran off.
John I have to go to far, do you see? I must always exceed or I do not feel like I’m alive.
