The Libertine
John The road is not functional and the grounds are a swamp.
Elizabeth If you were here more often, you’d know that Oxfordshire is not a dry county. It is a good thing, if a novelty, that John devote himself to the house. I will not hear him reproved for it.
J’s Mother I understood that he was devoting himself to an engagement in the theatre.
John That would not be appropriate for a man of breeding.
J’s Mother Anyone can drink.
John Only a few can match my determination.
J’s Mother We who are nobility rise above the calls of the flesh.
John It is true. We have our strength of will, do we not?
J’s Mother I hope we do.
John But supposing we are perverse, and use our will to bad ends?
J’s Mother Then we search deep inside ourselves, and we tear out the evil.
John Tear deeper, Mother. Lizzie Barry! Lizzie Barry! Lizzie Barry! I ran away from your love and now I run towards it. Test my love in any way you see fit! Test me! I will not fail!
George Fifteen. Get back some of the money I lost on Lizzie ‘Horse-face’ Barry.
Charles Yes, how is that little caper going, Johnny? I hear she charges by the minute.
George Come on, Johnny. All gentlemen together.
John You’re not a gentleman, George. You were trained as a lawyer. And you write plays for money.
George Oh, yes. And what about your commission from the King? Does that not count?
John That is quite different.
George Different? Of course. May one enquire how the great work progresses? Written the first line yet?
John I, at least, do not plagiarise the wit of my friends and pass it off as my own.
Billy Come on, Johnny, be fair.
John Sit!
Billy What was the wager?
George The wager was fifteen guineas.
Servant My Lord, the actress Elizabeth Barry’s outside.
Charles She will wait.
Servant She’s very insistent.
Charles She is a whore and she will wait! It’s a made hand!
Lizzie I was not good in the play this afternoon. I craved reassurance. All I could think about was you. You see, that is where there is still imbalance between us. Because you demand so much of me and so little of yourself. You took my small gift and polished it until it shone. Yet your own great gift you just throw away. There. You see? I went too far. A trait which in you is fascinating, but in me is a fault.
John And wit was his vain, frivolous pretence, of pleasing others at his own expense. Lizzie Barry.
Lizzie Read me some more.
King The French, I keep coming back to the French. There they are, the envy of Europe.
John They keep a nice class of brothel.
King Of course. They’re a bunch of cunts. That’s not the point. I need money and they can provide it, and I won’t hide it from you, Johnny, things are bad. I can’t get money out of Louis unless I dissolve Parliament and I can’t get money out of Parliament unless I fight Louis.
John Well, choose.
King I need money from both of them.
John You spoke of a big challenge.
King Louis’s sent in a new ambassador. Cultivated type. Here’s my plan. Your great work, we stage it to welcome him to London. Big gesture of friendship. And we show we’re better than they are. A spectacle with some really profound writing. You’re the man for it. Will you do it for me? At Betterton’s next spring when the season’s finished.
John You’re desperate.
King What we need to celebrate is life itself.
John Well, I’m obviously the man for that.
King Good. I’ll send Chiffinch to talk to you about the money. Costumes, settings, something really splendid.
John Splendid, yes. And unusual.
King There, John. Fruit. Fruit from South America. . . growing here. Dazzles the mind. Do you see what can be done with knowledge and application?
John I eat to swive and swive to eat again. (Muttering). Ink! Ink! Bring me ink! Not ‘drink’, lump. Ink! Alcock, did I not leave you in the country?
Alcock I walked back, my lord.
John Back again? Back again. Sceptres bear. Fear.
King I’m worried. This French business couldn’t be more important. What’s he doing?
Lizzie He’s writing. For the first time since I’ve known him.
King But what?
Lizzie Sublime thoughts. Philosophy in verse. I believe he is on the verge of greatness.
King You’ve read some?
Lizzie He shares everything with me.
King You should wear more jewellery.
Lizzie I cannot provide for it on my wages.
King Does not the Earl provide?
Lizzie The Earl is not one of life’s providers.
King But the King is. If you want the best, you may receive it from me.
Lizzie I shall be everything you wish me to be.
King I wish you to be my eyes and ears on his earlship.
Lizzie I am his lover. But I am your true subject.
King Then you’ll serve me in this matter?
Lizzie Yes, I will.
King And we shall both. . . profit.
Alcock Does the writing of the play go well, my lord?
John Alcock, try not to be a cunt. We will do this until you get it right.
Molly My lord, Alice Twooney has sent word. Her child is sick and she shan’t come.
John What was to be her role?
Molly She was playing little Clytoris.
John Of course. Alcock! This is your moment. You will stand in for her.
Alcock No, my lord.
John I beg your pardon.
Alcock I’m Alcock. Little Clytoris is beyond my range.
John Molly.
Molly I am not a visible person.
John Do not cross me.
Molly Madam, your dildos are not to compare with what I’ve seen.
Jane Indeed, they’re paltry ware.
Molly Short dildos leave the pleasure half undone. I’m sorry, my lord, I do have a question. Are you sure this entertainment will be fitting for both the occasion and the company?
John Molly, the entire piece has been devised with the French in mind. In Paris, fornication in the streets with total strangers is compulsory.
Molly Oh, beg pardon, my lord, my most southerly venture is Epsom.
Mr Harris My lord!
John I asked for no interruptions.
Mr Harris My suit is one of the most utmost urgency. The stage direction at the end of this scene requires, in my opinion, some authorial exposition.
John It seems straightforward enough.
Mr Harris Yes, um. . . ‘Then dance six naked men and women, the men doing obedience to the women’s cunts, kissing and touching them often. The women in like manner to the men’s pricks, kissing and dandling their cods, and then fall to fucking, after which the women sigh and the men look simple, and so sneak off.’ The end of the second act.
John A strong scene. An eminently playable scene, and, though I say it myself, a climactic one.
Mr Harris And will the kind of equipment that young lady has in her hand be available to gentlemen for. . . strapping around the middle for the execution of this scene?
John I had not envisaged you to be so encumbered. I feel the scene should be given. . . in the flesh.
Mr Harris And will we give. . . two performances on the day?
