Benny and Joon
Mike You have to man. Remember the bet I lost last year? When I had to re-plate your socket set. I didn’t back out, did I?
Benny You can’t bet a human being.
Mike Oh, well, if you’re going to be a baby about it.
Benny All right Mike. You want to play like that? I’ll take him. I may not be responsible for what I’m going to do to him, but I’ll take him.
Mike Oh man. What are you doing you stupid jerk?
Sam Oh, there’s something wrong with your car.
Mike What did you do with my hub caps?
Sam I don’t know. I’m Sam.
Benny So I hear. I’m Benny.
Sam With an N?
Benny Yeah. Two of ’em. This is Joon.
Sam With an N?
Joon One. You’re out of your tree.
Sam It’s not my tree.
Benny I think I need a beer.
Mike Hey, Benny, wait a minute! Where you going? Come here man, give me a jump. Hey! You’re going with them.
Benny Oh! God bless you.
Ruthie Hey pal, we’re trying to work here, if you don’t mind.
Sam Oh my God! I’ve just been looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him? He’s a cute guy with a little mole on his right cheek.
Man Hey, Ruthie, one of your ghosts come back to haunt you?
Sam Oh! Oh Brad! Oh Brad! Brad, please don’t be dead. I never got a chance to tell you what you meant to me. Oh Brad, please! It’s you, you’re you, Ruthie Mallenak. Co-star of The Prom Queen Mutilator with Dick Beebe.
Ruthie You saw that?
Sam He was mine! He was mine! No Cindy, you’re sick. Cindy you need help! No, Cindy! No! No! No! No!
Joon No. Don’t. . . don’t touch it.
Sam It’s paint.
Joon Yes.
Sam Kirk Douglas. Van Gough. Ear.
Benny These are yours. You can sleep here, all right? Come on it’s late. Let’s brush your teeth and hair.
Joon I can brush my own teeth Benjamin.
Benny Fine.
Joon Hair too.
Benny Perfect. Come on.
Sam Oh. Oh, Benny. Hey Benny. Thanks for the couch. Erm, Mike made me sleep under the sink.
Benny Oh. You’re welcome. Good night.
Sam Good night. Mentally ill. Really?
Benny Yeah. But I mean, don’t worry about it. But just, er, let her go about her routine, you know. Her routine is everything to her. Oh, and don’t hang around her room while she’s painting. She hates that.
Sam No.
Benny She runs hot and cold on you, just ignore it. That’s just the way it works. Oh, listen, erm, she starts talking to herself, don’t worry about it, but don’t answer.
Sam Okay.
Benny She sometimes hears voices in her head. That comes with the territory too. And, erm, just make sure that nothing, and I mean nothing, happens to her.
Sam Okay.
Benny Okay. All right.
Joon Having a Boo Radley moment are we?
Benny Good morning.
Eric Hey.
Benny This today?
Eric Yeah. So, erm. . . So what did you do with the cousin? The bus station? The river? What? You throw him in the river?
Benny No, I took him home.
Eric You took him home?
Benny Yeah.
Eric To your house?
Benny Yeah, to my house.
Eric What are you, crazy?
Benny Hey, believe me, it’s only temporary.
Eric Great. Hey, maybe he can tell Joon about the group home.
Benny Listen, if I’m going to do this group home thing, I got to figure out the best way to tell her, you know what I mean? Where’s Waldo? Is he not here yet?
Eric No.
Benny All right, that’s it. I’m going to have a talk with him.
Eric No, you’re not.
Benny Yes I am. I’m calling him right now. What’s his phone number?
Eric Five, five, five, zero, nine, four, four.
Joon Aah! Too loud! Too loud!
Sam Aah, what? What? Oh!
Benny Hey. Where’s Sam?
Joon I didn’t mean to kick him out. I mean I didn’t kick him out, he just, he just left.
Benny Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What happened? Did something happen?
Joon He just, he just left. He was, he was, in the air and, and, and with a thing and, it was really loud. It was really loud. And all, I, I just kept seeing. . . He didn’t mean to do it.
Benny Do it? What? What, did he, what did he do?
Joon He cleaned the house.
Benny And you kicked him out for that?
Joon Maybe I should invite him back in.
Benny Yeah. Before someone sticks a stamp on his head and mails him to Guam.
Joon Some cultures, are defined by their relationship to cheese.
Benny Is that a fact?
Joon He can really cook, can’t he?
Benny Uh-uh, yeah. Although, for grilled cheese, I might’ve used the wool setting.
Joon That’s what I told him.
Benny Really? What, what did he use?
Joon Rayon. Silk would have been too soggy. Cotton would’ve. . .
Benny Would’ve burned it.
Joon Right. Fortunately he consulted me before giving it steam. I was four square against it. I wish he could be me new Smail.
Benny & Joon (singing) The melodious songs of the blessed, And our spirits shall sorrow no more, Not a sigh for the blessing of rest, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore.
Benny Good night.
Joon Good night. You need some help? Dear Mom, I’ve departed Mikes with love and gratitude, and am now living with Benny and Joon Pearl, two magnificently devoted new friends. Benny’s pre-disposition to hyper-tense Irish monologists notwithstanding, he has given me a job as a domestic engineer and seems pleased with my performance so far. Love, Sam.
Sam Wow, I didn’t know I could talk like that. Tapioca?
Joon Oh. Yeah.
Ruthie Okay.
Sam Thank you Ruthie.
Ruthie You’re welcome Sam. Let me know if you need anything, okay?
Sam You don’t like raisins?
