Benny and Joon

Transcript written by and used with the courtesey of Angela Sugden

Randy So we’re planning our next vacation, right. I want Australia, she wants Italy. I like, snorkeling. She likes garlic. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me, do I need her? Jesus Benny, what kind of a question is that? I mean need, what does it really mean to need somebody?

Eric Benny, fuel line.

Benny Hey, Waldo, could you answer that phone?

Waldo Yeah, hello?

Postman I need a cheque, Benny, C.O.D.

Benny In a minute, meet me in the office.

Postman All right.

Benny Whoa, put that out, put that out, put that out. I got a fuel line broke.

Waldo Hey, Benny, Joon’s on the phone again.

Benny Well tell her I’ll call her back. Find out what she wants.

Waldo It’s an emergency. She says you’re running low on peanut butter super chunks.

Benny An emergency. . . All right, the issue is jelly, you only like two kinds. You either like grape or poison berry, which? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter, I know, super crunch, all right. I’ll see you at six, okay. Bye. Hi. Thanks for waiting, ma’am. Erm, I’m afraid the best we can do for you is going to be, erm, seven-fifty. But I think if you check around you’ll see that that is a really good deal.

Woman Yeah?

Eric That is a real very good deal, ma’am. A little too good. . .

Woman Let’s do it.

Joon You’re not doing your job! What is your job anyway?

Mrs Smail My job is to clean this house, but I’m not doing it any more!

Joon Get out of my sight!

Mrs Smail You wouldn’t dare, Joon!

Benny What is going on here? Joon! Mrs Smail! Mrs Smail, please.

Mrs Smail Beware, the winds of reason shall blow stern.

Benny What?

Mrs Smail I’m done, Mr Pearl, I’m done! The mule’s turned to glue, she wanders off unescorted. She has sudden outbursts. She is simply unmanageable.

Benny Mrs Smail! Please, wait, please. Let me talk to her. I can talk to her, you can’t quit on such short notice.

Mrs Smail Oh, I’m sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a saying, when a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken.

Erin (phone) Oh, come on! You have to come, we can’t play three in a poker game.

Benny Listen, she’s going to be alone every day until I find another housekeeper, I’m not leaving her alone at night too.

Eric (phone) Listen, bring her, what’s she going to do? She paints and she reads.

Benny Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire.

Eric (phone) That happened once. Look I got a fire extinguisher, just bring her.

Eric Now get your ass over here, and don’t forget the Louis Pring record you owe me. Remember, always play for keeps. Right?

Benny All right, all right, all right, yeah, I’ll be there. Okay. Joon, dinner! Spaghetti and salad?

Joon In that order?

Benny What happened between you and Mrs Smail?

Joon She was given to fits of semi-precious metaphors.

Benny The woman is a housekeeper, Joon, not an English professor.

Joon She moves things.

Benny She said you wandered off. Did you leave the house alone?

Joon Define alone.

Benny You know full well what I’m talking about. Listen, while I’m at work I can’t be worried about whether or not you’re knocking another housekeeper into retirement. First it was Mrs Larksburg.

Joon A woman deeply and hygienically disturbed. Her hair smelled.

Benny But then it was Mrs Piltz.

Joon Piltz? The answer’s in the question. Let’s face it, Benjamin, hiring housekeepers is not your forte.

Benny Oh yeah? Well until I do find another housekeeper, you are going to stick close to the house. Understand? Now have some salad. Oh by the way, I want you to come with me to my poker game.

Joon Benny. . .

Benny Come on, you’ll have a good time.

Man Erm, web belt and buckle.

Mike Classical Greek martini shaker.

Benny Six turkey-feather darts.

Thomas I’ll see you with the Diana Durban album.

Benny Come on.

Thomas And I’ll raise you with the stethoscope.

Mike Does it have little, er, plastic earpieces on the end?

Thomas What do you care? You never win, Mike!

Mike Well if I do, I don’t want them, stabbing my eardrums. Steering wheel knob.

Eric Salad shooter.

Benny Fifty-six Plymouth tyre iron.

Thomas Foldo.

Mike Well you must have a good hand, huh?

Benny No, I’m bluffing.

Mike Really?

Benny Come on, you got to play to find out, come on.

Mike Okay, a hundred and fifty feet of coaxial cable. Show them.

Benny Full house, Jacks over fours.

Eric Oh shit.

Mike I thought he was bluffing.

Thomas Will someone get some air to his brain? He was bluffing about bluffing Mike.

Mike You’re a real pal, Benny. I tell you what, I got a solution to your housekeeper problem, you can have my room-mate.

Joon Oh, that’s a terrific offer Benjamin. Save you from the wretched chore of Smail shopping. Those places are such drudgery, aren’t they? Montgomery and Smail, Smails and Roebuck, Smails ‘r’ Us. . .

Benny Joon. You got a room-mate? When did you get a room-mate?

Mike Since last week. My cousin pounded into town and my life’s gone from heaven to hell in seven days.

Thomas Just like the good Lord intended.

Mike Yeah, twenty-six years old, he can’t even read. He spends all day polishing my plastic forks.

Eric When you say he can’t read, what do you mean? Like words?

Mike Yeah, and he keeps me up all night watching stupid old movies. My work’s starting to suffer.

Joon You install cable TV.

Benny Joon, will you please glue your sequins.

Joon Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?

Benny All right, can we make this the last hand? Come on, come on, play cards.

Eric Two tickets, tomorrow nights baseball game.

Benny One Pocket Fisherman.