Arizona Dream
When I was I got this really weird earache that wouldn’t go away.
A hundred doctors couldn’t help me…
So Leo went into Mexico,
and brought back this fat lady witch doctor who fixed me right up.
I was grateful, but I thought I might’ve been better off mute.
All in all, I had a very happy childhood.
My dad, a border guard, spent his life trying to stop people crossing lines.
For years, he’d smooth down the road between Mexico and Arizona,
and every morning he’d be out there looking for footprints in the dirt.
But my father always said that work was like a hat you put on your head.
And even without pants, you didn’t have to be ashamed of your ass.
One thing I was sure about:
The moment my parents died, my childhood was gone forever.
Leo could never shake the guilt of my parents’ death years ago.
Leo was driving the car that night.
It got so bad that he even felt guilty if he used too much shaving cream.
Four days after the funeral, I caught a train to New York City.
If somebody asked me why I don’t take the next train back to New York,
it’s because you can’t say no to your childhood hero.
I decided to be his best man, but one thing I was sure of:
No matter how much I loved the smell of cheap cologne,
I was never going to become my uncle, and I would never sell Cadillacs.
Axel, if I died tomorrow, where would you be?
You’re not gonna die tomorrow.
Who knows when I’ll die?
Your mother and father didn’t. – That was an accident.
No, it was stupidity. I shouldn’t have been behind that wheel.
Please, no guilt. Please.
Look,
I’m not going to allow you to become a bum in New York.
I want you to stay here with me. Try it for one week.
If you don’t like it, then you go home.
Okay?
Axel, make “busy.” Very, very busy. – Hello.
Busy, but “willing to take time out from your schedule,” Axel.
Hello.
Axel, make “sexy.”
Try it with your lips, pucker them up…”Hello.”
No, more with the lips, you know, “Hello.”
Axel, I’m a gorgeous woman, and I have big, beautiful breasts.
Now do “sexy.”
No, Axel. Breasts.
You’re talking art, you’re talking gravity.
You see this? – Yeah. Banana. – Proteins, proteins…
Your organs produce a certain amount of proteins.
Well, when you see a beautiful woman, you produce extra proteins.
These extra proteins go directly to your brain.
Where do you get all this stuff? – Scientific fact.
Anyway, I’ve figured out a way to make it work for me.
I call it “The Gaze.”
You look into a woman’s eyes, and you think exactly
what you want her to do for you.
You’re an actor? Oh my God, he’s an actor!
In days, I have a gigantic performance I’m doing in Tucson.
Maybe you’d like to come and see me?
It’s an audition. – What have we seen you in? Movies, TV shows?
Do you go to foreign films? – No. – I’m a major star in Europe.
Foreign films?
Yeah, foreign films.
Come here, close to me.
Feel better now?
Feel better now?
You like that? Don’t touch my face, okay?
Oh, come on! – No, I’m not kidding.
We can make love, but don’t touch my face or my hair.
Are all actors like that? – All the great actors are.
Do you think anybody touches Brando’s face? Or Pacino’s?
Do they touch De Niro’s face? Or fucking touch Johnny Depp’s face?
No one’s gonna touch Paul Leger’s face, okay?
I’m missing my favorite scene…
I’m telling you, if I hear anything, I swear I’m gonna kill somebody…
Go ahead and kill everybody! You’re the tough guy!
Kill Vicky, kill Salvy,
Tommy Como, and me while you’re at it!
You’re killing yourself, the way you eat, you fat fuck!
What do you mean “kill you”?
Me, kill me!
Start here! Do me a fuckin’ favor! – You meant something.
You mentioned Tommy, Salvy, and you included you with them.
You could have said anybody, but you said you and them.
You’ve let this girl ruin your life.
She really did some job on you!
Look what she did to you! – You fucked my wife.
You fucked my wife?
I’m not going to answer. It’s a sick question.
I’m gonna leave.
Very nice!
You won’t have troubles in your bed, so don’t pick it out on me!
Pig, pig, pig! Here!
Hello. – Hello there.
