Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Priest Failure to appear in designated locations at assigned times results in forfeit of protection. Protection you will definitely need.

Elle Yeah.

Priest You will be paid. Coup d’etats, like elections, don’t come cheap. So there’s plenty of, dough floating around. There’s more. You will be a free man. From Marquez, the cartels and even from the president. . . who isn’t your biggest fan, let’s, let’s face it.

Elle When do I begin?

Priest Give me a moment.

Elle Padre?

Man 1 It’s a church, over here.

Elle Sorry.

Man 2 Sssh.

Sands Are you still standing?

Elle Still.

Sands Good. Well the Barillo cartel aren’t the nicest of guys are they? However, you’ve passed the test. You’re gonna do just fine. Assemble your team, and I will call you with further instructions. Over and out. Just walking my beat, friend. Mexico’s my beat. I’m walking it. I throw shapes and they catch ’em. Set ’em up and watch ’em fall. Have him meet me at the bull fight, five p.m.

Boy Quiere chicle? (Do you want bubble gum?)

Sands What?

Boy Que si quiere chicle. (I was asking if you want bubble gum)

Sands Why? Why would I want that? Why would I want bubble-gum?

Boy Es chicle de menta, sabe muy rico, en serio. Es que tengo una familia que mantener, hermanos, hermanas, papÃ¡, mamÃ¡, usted sabe. (It is mint bubble gum, is very good, really. I have a family to look after, brothers, sisters, dad, mom, you know.)

Sands All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This, should hold the both of us over for quite a long time. So. . . I don’t ever want to see you again.

Boy Gracias, Señor. (Thank you sir)

Sands Fuck off. Hi.

Ramirez Hello.

Sands The CIA sharing a meal with the FBI. Now, if that isn’t inter-agency co-operation, I just don’t know what is.

Ramirez I’m retired FBI.

Sands A real agent never retires, he just, just takes it a little easier.

Ramirez Why are we talking?

Sands You tracked down Armando Barillo, for two years when he was running his operations out of San Antonio. Is that correct?

Ramirez Spinning wheels. Never led to an arrest.

Sands Well, he. . . he is in fact, sitting directly behind you.

Ramirez I know, he settled back in. He’s been living here for six years. Can’t be touched.

Sands Did you know that most agents never even see a top ten criminal for their entire careers? You brought down two, didn’t you? And now your third is sitting in very close proximity. Now, retired or not, that has really got to. . . tug on your old short and curlies.

Ramirez I’m a civilian now.

Sands Didn’t he kill that agent friend of yours? What was his name? Er, Archulater?

Ramirez Yes. Barillo’s a Mexican citizen. He can not be extradited for crimes committed in the U.S.

Sands Did you happen to know of a Dr. Givarah? Worked for the cartel? This doctor, pumped your friend Archulater, full of drugs day after day, so that they could torture him for two weeks before he died. You must have known that. Dr. Givarah himself, having dinner with your prey. I wonder what it is they’re up to now. Two weeks of torture, Jorge. Think about that. For your dead friend. For the job you didn’t finish in San Antonio. Now, are you really going to let it slip away, again? I’d like you to have a bite of my pork, because it’s. . . the world.

Announcer Y ahora el grupo que todos esperaban, “Los mariachis”. Pidan sus canciones mariachi por tan solo 5 pesos, un beso por 20 pesos, y su cogida de mariachi por solo 50 pesos. (And now, the group we were all waiting for, “The mariachis”. Ask for your mariachi’s song for just 5 pesos, a kiss for 20 pesos and more time with your mariachi for 50 pesos)

Lorenzo Dónde diablos haz estado? (What a hell, where have you been?)

Elle Muy lejos. Todavia chingando ah. (Far away, Still with this ah)

Lorenzo Let me get Fideo.

Elle I’m here for my guitar.

Lorenzo Since last night.

Elle Hey, hey, Fideo, it’s me. Still drinking?

Lorenzo Like a fish.

Elle I guess we haven’t changed so much.

Lorenzo I didn’t thing you’d ever come back for this thing.

Elle Neither did I.

Lorenzo Are we on?

Elle I’ll let you know. Let you know. Get him sober. We’re gonna need him, Sol. Coffee, lots of coffee.

Sands Sometimes a revolution is exactly what is needed, to clean up the system. One, giant enema, which just so happens to be my area of expertise. Bull fights. Bull hockey. You like this? The bull is stabbed, prodded, beaten, the bull is wounded. The bull is tired, before the matador, ever steps into the ring. Now, is that victory? Of course it is. You know the secret to winning? Creative sportsmanship. In other words. . . one has to rig the game. Go collect.

Cucuy Ey vamos, dame. (Come on, give me that)

Aide The president is giving a speech on the Day of the Dead. In the town of Culiacan. He’s going to be isolated in the main edifisio in the centre of the plaza. Very easy access to him if. . . somebody can get you in.

Sands Right. You’re the man who can do that.

Aide I am not the prince. I am the man behind the prince.

Sands I see.

Aide Hey, he’s not the first prince I’ve served, nor the first one that I’ve betrayed.

Sands You’re a good rat. I like you.

Aide I try.

Sands The rest upon completion.

Aide Mucho Gusto. (Nice to meet you)

Sands Right, right.

Aide Every goddamn time.

Carolina QuÃ© quieres de la vida? (What do you want from life?)

Sands Belini, how long have you and I done business together? A long time. And in a way, I kind of, almost, could have the tiniest smidgen of respect for you. Almost. But you need to stop farting around. Now, do you have the information that I need on Barillo, or do you not?

Belini I have what you need. I’m just enjoying this, temporary position of power. I make you nervous?

Sands You know that withholding vital information from a federal officer is a serious offence. Especially, when that officer has paid handsomely for it, and wouldn’t think twice about ripping that patch off your eye-hole and skull-fucking you to death.

Belini Chúpame (Fuck me)

Sands No.

Waitress Uy señor discúlpeme, que pena. Hay Dios mio. (Sorry sir. Oh my God, I am terribly sorry,)

Sands I’m fine. Go away.

Sands I am fine. Go away. You’re off the hook. Leave me alone. That spill just cost you your life. Little help? I know it’s on you somewhere. Somewhere. All right. Time to get messy. Well, I suppose I should thank you for not sticking it up your ass. However. . . You’re about a quart low.

Ajedrez You’re gonna pay for that, cop.

Sands Why doesn’t my key work any more?

Ajedrez It’s too small.

Sands Ooh!

Ajedrez Stand back.

Sands I just. . . I brought you a gift.

Ajedrez I’m still mad at you.

Sands Trust me, it wasn’t easy to get, so. . .

Ajedrez Come closer and I’ll thank you.

Sands Are you trying to give me a boner?

Ajedrez Closer, I said.

Sands How ’bout that little tip off? Guarantees you a big arrest, and, a commendation. Even from your twisted little agency.

Ajedrez I’m impressed, but then what?

Sands Would you like to hear my plan?

Ajedrez Either that, or I start target practice.

Sands Okay. The new president, is on a quest to clear out the Barillo cartel. And Barillo has set up a counter-attack, by hiring a military general named Marquez. And he wants him to throw a coup d’etat while the president’s visiting Culiacan. Now, I have a man inside as insurance. Just to make sure that Marquez never takes power. The, last piece of the puzzle, is Barillo. Your tip-off assures that Barillo is out of the picture while the battle ensues. In the aftermath of this very healthy revolution, I will calmly waltz away with the twenty million pesos that Barillo is prepared to pay Marquez for the coup.

Ajedrez And you want me to go with you?

Sands You detain Barillo, with the information that you have. And then, er, join me and, and, and share the spoils.

Ajedrez EstÃ¡s loco, loquisimo. (You are crazy, insane)

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