Edward Scissorhands
<!–nextpage–> BILL
Boy, it’s just wonderful, Ed. My god, you, you have the whole family in there, don’t you?
KEVIN Edward, come here. (Kevin cleans Edward’s
scissorhands with water.)
BILL No, no, no. That’s a terrible idea, son. Go to the garage and get the oil can. We don’t want him rusting up on this now, do we?
PEG Edward, you did us? Oh, Bill. It’s us.
BILL Yes, it is.
PEG Oh, Edward. (Esmeralda comes near.)
ESMERALDA It’s not heaven he’s from. It’s straight from
the stinking flames of hell. The power of satan is in him. I can feel it. God, you have the poor sheep strayed so far from the path.
EDWARD We are not sheep.
ESMERALDA Don’t come near me.
BILL That’s right. Go on. Get out of here. Run!
PEG Edward, don’t you listen to her.
BILL Don’t worry about her, Edward. She’s just an old lonely loony. That’s all.
(Women knock on the door.)
WOMEN Hi!
JOYCE You are all hiding in there like a bunch of old
hermit crabs.
PEG Hi, Joyce. Hi!
JOYCE Shame on you, keeping your unusual guest all to
yourself. We think that’s mighty selfish of you.
PEG No, it, it’s… things have just been a little hectic around here. That’s all.
JOYCE Oh, that was so sweet of you to want to correct the situation. What time does the barbecue begin?
PEG
Barbecue?
JOYCE Well, you intend to show your guest hospitality by introducing him to your friends, don’t you?
ANOTHER WOMAN
I’ll bring coleslaw.
JOYCE And I will bring the ambrosia salad. What time was it that you said?
PEG
What time? Ah… bill.
JOYCE About five?
ESMERALDA He has been sent first to tempt you. But it’s
not too late. You must push him from you. Expel him. Trample down the perversion of nature.
JOYCE Did you hear that? He’s the perversion of nature. Wow, isn’t that exciting? See you
later. Bye bye.
PEG I’ve always said that you really can’t have a picnic or a barbecue without deviled eggs. They’re just the best. They make the thing. Oh,
dear. Edward. That’s wonderful. I didn’t know you chopped all those things. What a really big… (Peg notices a cut on his face.) Oh, all right now. It’s just a nick. There’s no need to be nervous, dear. You know, Esmeralda
won’t be here and the rest of neighbors there are really very nice. There’s no need to be nervous. They are so eager to meet you. You just have to be yourself.
EDWARD
Myself?
PEG That’s right. Just your own sweet self.
KEVIN Hey, play scissors, paper, stone with us.
EDWARD Play scissors what?
NEIGHBOR I got a doctor friend might be able to help you. Aren’t they most incredible?
PEG He did them just like that.
TINKA This afternoon?
AT THE PARTY Hi, Mike. How are you doing? Hello, Jack. Hey, kid. Hey, Hi. George Morroe! Whoa! That’s a heck of handshake. Uh, Harry! Harry! I saw you on the golf course. You got a dozen of the melons…
PEG (to Edward) Are you ok? Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry? Do you want a cracker?
MARGIE
He’s so… different completely different, No kidding mysterious.
JOYCE Do you imagine those hands are hot or cold? Just think what a single snip could do.
HELEN Or undo.
GEORGE (to Edward) Eddie. The guys and I were talking, we’d like
want to invite you to our card game on Friday night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you can’t cut.
AN OLD MAN I have my own infirmity. Never did me a bit of
harm. Took some shrapnel during the war and ever since then I can’t feel a thing. Not a damn thing. Listen Don’t you ever let anybody tell you you have a handicap.
JOYCE
Who’s handicapped? My goodness! Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not handicapped. You’re… What do they call that? Exceptional. My name’s Joyce. And I noticed that you have not tasted any of the ambrosia salad that I made especially for you. Allow me.
(Joyce helps Edward to eat.)
WOMAN 1 You must try this. (Many women flock to him)
MARGE
(to Edward) You must try this. It’s my mother’s recipe. Let him chew, for heaven sakes with your green thumb. I could use your help.
HOUSEWIFE
Me, too. There you go.
WOMAN 2 I want a row of angels.
JOYCE Sorry, ladies. But he’s promised to come to my
house first.
WOMAN 3 One more.
JOYCE Haven’t you, Eddie?
EDWARD I did?
BILL Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup’s on.
EDWARD I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL What?
EDWARD
I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL Yeah, it, it is shish kebab. It was a figure of speech, Ed. You got to learn not to take things so literally.
(On hearing that, Edward looks back the time the inventor taught him the etiquette.)
INVENTOR Let us pretend we’re in the drawing room, and
the hostess is serving tea “Now, many numerous little questions confront us” “Should the man rise” “When he accepts his cup of tea?” “May lump sugar be taken with the things?”
EDWARD
Hmm, no.
INVENTOR Is it good form to accept a second cup? “Now, should the napkin be entirely unfolded.” Oh should the center crease. Be allowed to remain?
It is so easy to commit embarrassing blunders. “But etiquette humiliation and discomfort. Mmm yes, boring. Let us switch to, Um… To some poetry, Hmm?” “There was an old man from the cape.” “Who made himself there, but they keep such a beautiful shape.” That’s
right. Go ahead, smile. It’s funny. That’s right.
DENNY Okay, guys, we’re home. shh.
KIM
I can’t believe. Everything’s still sopping.
TEENAGE GIRL I can’t wait to take a shower.
SUZANNE And wash off the mildew.
JIM If my parents set the alarm, I’m screwed I’ll sleep in the yard… again.
KIM I told you to call to say we’re coming back
early.
DENNY Did you?
SUZANNE He’d rather complain.
JIM How else can I be the center of the attention? You didn’t call your parents.
KIM They don’t run their house like a police
station. Bye. Thanks for driving, Denny. See you later.
JIM See you later. Bye.
KIM
Don’t forget your arm.
JIM Oh, yeah.
DENNY Come on, Jim let’s go.
KIM Bill! There’s somebody in my room. Go. Look. A murderer with an axe. He did try to even kill me.
BILL
It’s all right. It’s all right. ( to Kevin) Go back to bed. It’s only Edward. (to Edward) This way.
PEG Honey, that was Edward.
KIM Who is he? What are you talking about?
PEG
Edward’s come to live with us. There’s nothing to be upset about. No, no. It’s okay.
BILL We’ll have you a setup here in a minute. Up with your feet. A queen-size bed here. How do
you like that? It’s all made up and everything. There you go. What’s the matter? What’s wrong? She gets you nervous? You’ve been closed up in a way in that castle too long. You don’t know anything about the wonderful world of teen-age girls. They’re all crazy. Here some. Straighten
that out.
EDWARD What is it?
BILL Lemonade. I don’t know what it is. They reach a
certain age. They develop these gland things. Their bodies swell up. They go crazy.
EDWARD Glands?
BILL
yeah, glands. I try not to think about it (Edward drinks lemonade.) Good. Isn’t it? (Peg calms down Kim.)
PEG
Now you stay in Kevin’s room tonight. Tomorrow we’ll fix your room right.
KIM Mom, why did you have to bring him in here?
PEG
Oh, honey, I couldn’t have left him there all alone. You would have done the same thing.
KIM Why does he have to stay here?
PEG
Oh, my goodness, Kim. I’m surprised at you. He can’t help the way he is. Have a little sympathy.
KIM I do have a little sympathy.
PEG Then let’s just say hello and later you can come downstairs and shake his hand.
KIM Shake his hand?
PEG Well, not literally. Goodness, you scared him half to death.
KIM I scared him to death?
PEG Hi, Bill. I just wanted you two to have a proper introduction. Edward, this is our daughter Kim. Kim, this is Edward who’s going to live with us.
KIM Hi! (Edward falls on the floor.)
JOYCE (to Edward)
Eddie. Thirsty? (to Kisses) Kisses, Hush up. Quiet now. I can hardly hear myself think. Momma’s precious little baby girl. (to Edward)
Wouldn’t you like a nice cool glass of lemonade?
EDWARD Lemonade? (Vomits)
(Bell rings)
KEVIN One chop to guy’s neck. And it’s all over. They’re the sharpest things in the world. They can hack through anything. And…
KIM I think they look weird. They give me the creeps.
A GIRL You should see the clown in front of Ms.
Peter’s yard.
EDWARD Kim!
KIM Oh, no!
A GIRL That’s him?
JIM He’s calling you, Kim.
KIM Stop it.
