Edward Scissorhands
script used with courtesey of Sci-Fi Scripts
Edward Sissorhands
OLD KIM Snuggle in, sweetie. It’s cold out there.
GRANDDAUGHTER Why is it snowing, grandma? Where does it come from?
OLD KIM Oh, that’s a long story, sweetheart.
GRANDDAUGHTER I want to hear.
OLD KIM Oh, not tonight. Go to sleep.
GRANDDAUGHTER I’m not sleepy. Tell me, please.
OLD KIM
Well, all right. Let’s see. I guess it would have to start with scissors.
GRANDDAUGHTER Scissors?
OLD KIM
Well, there are all kinds of scissors. And once there was even a man who had scissors for hands.
GRANDDAUGHTER A man?
OLD KIM Yes.
GRANDDAUGHTER Hands, scissors?
OLD KIM No, scissorhands. You know the mansion on top of the mountain?
GRANDDAUGHTER It’s haunted.
OLD KIM Well, a long time ago, an inventor lived in that mansion. He made many things, I suppose. He also created a man. He gave him inside, a heart, a brain, everything. Well, almost
everything. You see, the inventor was very old. He died before he got to finish the man he invented. So the man was left by himself, incomplete and all alone.
GRANDDAUGHTER
He didn’t have a name?
OLD KIM Of course, he had a name. His name was Edward.
PEG Avon calling.
HELEN Weren’t you just here?
PEG No, not since last season. Today I’ve come to show you our exquisite new line of soft colors
in shadows, blushes and lipstick. Everything you need to accent and highlight your changing looks.
HELEN My changing looks? That’s good.
(Helen chuckles)
PEG Well, it goes that saying and I also have a complete selection of your old favorites, those tried-and-true products we’ve all come to
depend on year-in and year-out.
HELEN Come on, Peg. I never buy anything from you. You know that?
PEG
I know. Bye, Helen.
REPAIRMAN You know, you didn’t have to call me, ma’am. You could have taken care of this by yourself.
JOYCE
I could? I don’t think so.
REPAIRMAN Yeah, you see, it’s easy. The food trap’s clogged. That’s all. You see this bolt here? You just unscrew this. OK? And out she pops.
JOYCE You know, on TV they say you repairmen are lonely bunch of people. Housewives get lonely too. Although you may not realize it since they haven’t made a commercial on the subject.
REPAIRMAN And then you just take this and put it back in here nice and easy. Be careful not to force it, because it fits in there by itself. And then you just screw this back on.
(The bell rings.)
JOYCE On no! Who could that be? Will you excuse me for a moment? Now. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back. This is fascinating. I wouldn’t
want to miss a moment of it.
PEG Good morning, Joyce. Avon calling.
JOYCE Why! Peg. Have you gone blind? Can’t you see
there’s a vehicle in my driveway?
PEG Oh, yes.
JOYCE Well, I’m surprised you don’t realize that
means I’m busy. (Joyce shuts the door with a bang.)
PEG Okay. Now, we should decide on lipsticks. Okay,
dear, what one did you like best? There was the Winsome Wahini which looked charming on you. Or the Bahenie Bliss.
A GIRL I like them both.
PEG Well, great.
A GIRL You don’t actually think I have any money, do you?
(Peg gets in her car.)
CHILDREN Ding, dong, the Avon lady.
PEG It’s just not my day.
(Disappointed Peg sees a mansion through her rearview mirror and drives to the place. She is attracted by the beautiful garden there and enters the mansion.)
PEG Oh, my goodness.
PEG Oh, it’s so beautiful. Hello? (Birds flying)
Hello? Avon calling, oh my. Hello, I’m Peg Boggs. I’m your local Avon representative. Hello. I’m sorry to barge in like this. But you don’t have any reason to be afraid. This is some huge house, isn’t it? Thank goodness for those aerobics classes.
(Snipping)
PEG Hello. Hello. Why are you hiding back there? You don’t have to hide from me. I’m Peg Boggs. I’m your local Avon representative and I’m as
harmless as cherry pie. (Peg sees Edward’s scissorhands.) Oh my! I can see that I’ve disturbed you. How stupid of me! I’ll just be going now.
EDWARD
Don’t go.
PEG Oh my! What happened to you?
EDWARD I’m not finished.
PEG Uh, put those down. Don’t come any closer. Just please… Those are your hands? Those are your hands. What happened to you? Where are your parents? Hum… Your mother? Your father?
EDWARD He didn’t wake up.
PEG Are you alone? Do you live up here all by yourself? What happened to your face? Hum, you
know, I won’t hurt you. But at the very least let me give you a good astringent and this will help to prevent infection. What’s your name?
EDWARD Edward.
PEG Edward? I think you should just come home with me. (Peg takes Edward to her home)
PEG
Oh!
EDWARD I’m-I’m sorry.
PEG No, Don’t be. You go ahead and look you have
every reason to be excited.
PEG Oh! Are you ok?
EDWARD Are you ok?
(Ring)
HELEN Hello.
MARGIE Hi, it’s Margie. Listen, I was standing outside
talking to Carol and Peg drove by, she had somebody in the car.
HELEN Did you get a good look?
MARGIE
No, did she say anything to you, about having guest?
HELEN She didn’t say anything. She rang my doorbell early this morning.
MARGIE No, ok, I’ll meet you on the corner. Right, Bye. (Birds signal)
HELEN
Oh, damn!
PEG Here we go, dear. This is our house. And you can just go right in and make yourself right at home. OK? And just, well have something to eat
or drink, whatever you… Here, dear. Here you… This is the front door here, Here we go, right in here. (A woman talks on the phone)
A WOMAN
Joyce, I just saw this strange guy drop in with Peg. I didn’t get a very good look at him. He looked kind of pale. Okay, I’ll be right there. Don’t do anything without me. Okay? Bye.
JOYCE
Yes, I’ll be right there.
PEG Here we are. So, oh, this is the living room and back here, the bedrooms. You want to see the pictures? All right. Well, this is my
husband, Bill. He’s a bowling champion. Do you know what bowling is? Bowling? Well, here they are down at the lake, fishing. I think Kevin looks a little glum Because they didn’t catch anything that day. And here’s my daughter, Kim. All dressed up the junior prom. She’s a senior
now. I can’t believe it. She’s camping in the mountains with some friends, but she’ll be back in a few days and you can meet her then. Isn’t she beautiful? That’s my family. Now, go on, dear. I’ll show you the rest of the house. Then you can just freshen up and make yourself at
home. Okay? That’s the kitchen over there. You help yourself to anything you want to eat or drink. Those are grapes. Back here are the bedrooms. Let me get you some towels, then I will see what we can find to wear. You know what? I think I have some of Bill’s old clothes
in here. This is perfect. Here. These should just fit you. (The phone rings.) Oh, no, no. Don’t be alarmed. That’s just a phone. Now you can go in Kim’s room and put these on. I’ll be right with you.
PEG No, no, scissors. That’s right. Well, he was born up there or something. Have you seen him before? No, I don’t think he’s been off the grounds before today. You’re kidding. How did
you get together with him? I have to go. I’ll talk to you later Margie, Bye-bye. (to Edward) I’m sorry Edward, I didn’t… oh, dear. May I help you with this?
EDWARD Thank you.
PEG There you go. Oh, dear, you’ve cut your face. Let me get this right off. Does that hurt?
Okay. No, good. Now let’s get you dressed. Okay. There we go. Very fine. You look fine, just fine. Come on, we can’t wait for you. You’ve got rollers in your damn hair.
PEG
Okay. Now what did I do with my sci… Edward, um, would you. Thank you. I have a doctor friend who I think could help you.
EDWARD Really?
PEG Yes, I can help with the scars. I just want to consult the Avon handbook before doing anything.
PEG
Kevin, it’s not polite to stare. Think how it would make you feel if somebody were staring at you.
KEVIN I wouldn’t care.
PEG Well, I would, so don’t do it!
BILL This must be quite a change for you, Ed.
PEG I think he prefers Edward.
BILL Sure. So what have you been doing up there in that big old place? I bet the view must be
spectacular, Ed.
PEG I was just…
BILL See all the way to the ocean?
EDWARD Sometimes.
PEG Bill, could I have the salt and pepper? Thank you.
KEVIN Man, those things are cool. You know I bet they’re razor sharp. One karate chop to a guy’s neck…
PEG
Would you like some butter for your bread?
PEG Great.
EDWARD Thank you.
KEVIN Can I bring him to show and tell on Monday?
PEG I’ve had enough.
PEG (to Edward) You think you can sleep? Things feel strange now, but soon you’ll feel right at home. Good night. (Peg tries to cover Edward’s
scars.)
PEG The light concealing cream goes on first, then you blend and blend and blend. Blending is the secret. More concealing for you? But you
complexion is so fair. Now this has a touch of lavender in it. Give it a try here. Close enough. OK. This should do the trick here. I have another idea. We’ll cover up the scars and start with a completely smooth surface. Don’t eat this stuff! Sports announcements on
RADIO Hartely into the windup and the strike one pitch. Swung on and missed strike two. If it’s a hit, the club has 12 hits. But they still have 11 on the scoreboard and it’s 3-1. 0 and 2
the count to Warren. Now they change it to 12 hits.
BILL Turn it up, Kevin. I can’t hear it. Kevin! No, make it louder. Sports announcements on
RADIO Hartely’s strike two pitch is hammered.
KEVIN You hear that, Mr. Boggs?
BILL No, make it louder. Sports announcements on
RADIO It’s going way back. It’s gone. It’s out of here. It is history.
KEVIN Dad, look! Sports announcements on
RADIO A grand slam for Martinez to make it a five-run inning and blow this game to pieces.
BILL I’ll be darned.
PEG They filled the whole tape. (Peg listens to the recorded
phones.)
RECORDED VOICES What’s going on over there, Peg. Call me….Hi, it’s Margie. Who is he? Call me. Oh, by the way, here it’s pouring rain in the mountains.
You think the kids are okay?…Hi, there, darling. The gals are all in a tizzy about your secret visitor. You can’t keep him a secret forever.
<!–nextpage–> BILL
Boy, it’s just wonderful, Ed. My god, you, you have the whole family in there, don’t you?
KEVIN Edward, come here. (Kevin cleans Edward’s
scissorhands with water.)
BILL No, no, no. That’s a terrible idea, son. Go to the garage and get the oil can. We don’t want him rusting up on this now, do we?
PEG Edward, you did us? Oh, Bill. It’s us.
BILL Yes, it is.
PEG Oh, Edward. (Esmeralda comes near.)
ESMERALDA It’s not heaven he’s from. It’s straight from
the stinking flames of hell. The power of satan is in him. I can feel it. God, you have the poor sheep strayed so far from the path.
EDWARD We are not sheep.
ESMERALDA Don’t come near me.
BILL That’s right. Go on. Get out of here. Run!
PEG Edward, don’t you listen to her.
BILL Don’t worry about her, Edward. She’s just an old lonely loony. That’s all.
(Women knock on the door.)
WOMEN Hi!
JOYCE You are all hiding in there like a bunch of old
hermit crabs.
PEG Hi, Joyce. Hi!
JOYCE Shame on you, keeping your unusual guest all to
yourself. We think that’s mighty selfish of you.
PEG No, it, it’s… things have just been a little hectic around here. That’s all.
JOYCE Oh, that was so sweet of you to want to correct the situation. What time does the barbecue begin?
PEG
Barbecue?
JOYCE Well, you intend to show your guest hospitality by introducing him to your friends, don’t you?
ANOTHER WOMAN
I’ll bring coleslaw.
JOYCE And I will bring the ambrosia salad. What time was it that you said?
PEG
What time? Ah… bill.
JOYCE About five?
ESMERALDA He has been sent first to tempt you. But it’s
not too late. You must push him from you. Expel him. Trample down the perversion of nature.
JOYCE Did you hear that? He’s the perversion of nature. Wow, isn’t that exciting? See you
later. Bye bye.
PEG I’ve always said that you really can’t have a picnic or a barbecue without deviled eggs. They’re just the best. They make the thing. Oh,
dear. Edward. That’s wonderful. I didn’t know you chopped all those things. What a really big… (Peg notices a cut on his face.) Oh, all right now. It’s just a nick. There’s no need to be nervous, dear. You know, Esmeralda
won’t be here and the rest of neighbors there are really very nice. There’s no need to be nervous. They are so eager to meet you. You just have to be yourself.
EDWARD
Myself?
PEG That’s right. Just your own sweet self.
KEVIN Hey, play scissors, paper, stone with us.
EDWARD Play scissors what?
NEIGHBOR I got a doctor friend might be able to help you. Aren’t they most incredible?
PEG He did them just like that.
TINKA This afternoon?
AT THE PARTY Hi, Mike. How are you doing? Hello, Jack. Hey, kid. Hey, Hi. George Morroe! Whoa! That’s a heck of handshake. Uh, Harry! Harry! I saw you on the golf course. You got a dozen of the melons…
PEG (to Edward) Are you ok? Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry? Do you want a cracker?
MARGIE
He’s so… different completely different, No kidding mysterious.
JOYCE Do you imagine those hands are hot or cold? Just think what a single snip could do.
HELEN Or undo.
GEORGE (to Edward) Eddie. The guys and I were talking, we’d like
want to invite you to our card game on Friday night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you can’t cut.
AN OLD MAN I have my own infirmity. Never did me a bit of
harm. Took some shrapnel during the war and ever since then I can’t feel a thing. Not a damn thing. Listen Don’t you ever let anybody tell you you have a handicap.
JOYCE
Who’s handicapped? My goodness! Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not handicapped. You’re… What do they call that? Exceptional. My name’s Joyce. And I noticed that you have not tasted any of the ambrosia salad that I made especially for you. Allow me.
(Joyce helps Edward to eat.)
WOMAN 1 You must try this. (Many women flock to him)
MARGE
(to Edward) You must try this. It’s my mother’s recipe. Let him chew, for heaven sakes with your green thumb. I could use your help.
HOUSEWIFE
Me, too. There you go.
WOMAN 2 I want a row of angels.
JOYCE Sorry, ladies. But he’s promised to come to my
house first.
WOMAN 3 One more.
JOYCE Haven’t you, Eddie?
EDWARD I did?
BILL Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup’s on.
EDWARD I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL What?
EDWARD
I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL Yeah, it, it is shish kebab. It was a figure of speech, Ed. You got to learn not to take things so literally.
(On hearing that, Edward looks back the time the inventor taught him the etiquette.)
INVENTOR Let us pretend we’re in the drawing room, and
the hostess is serving tea “Now, many numerous little questions confront us” “Should the man rise” “When he accepts his cup of tea?” “May lump sugar be taken with the things?”
EDWARD
Hmm, no.
INVENTOR Is it good form to accept a second cup? “Now, should the napkin be entirely unfolded.” Oh should the center crease. Be allowed to remain?
It is so easy to commit embarrassing blunders. “But etiquette humiliation and discomfort. Mmm yes, boring. Let us switch to, Um… To some poetry, Hmm?” “There was an old man from the cape.” “Who made himself there, but they keep such a beautiful shape.” That’s
right. Go ahead, smile. It’s funny. That’s right.
DENNY Okay, guys, we’re home. shh.
KIM
I can’t believe. Everything’s still sopping.
TEENAGE GIRL I can’t wait to take a shower.
SUZANNE And wash off the mildew.
JIM If my parents set the alarm, I’m screwed I’ll sleep in the yard… again.
KIM I told you to call to say we’re coming back
early.
DENNY Did you?
SUZANNE He’d rather complain.
JIM How else can I be the center of the attention? You didn’t call your parents.
KIM They don’t run their house like a police
station. Bye. Thanks for driving, Denny. See you later.
JIM See you later. Bye.
KIM
Don’t forget your arm.
JIM Oh, yeah.
DENNY Come on, Jim let’s go.
KIM Bill! There’s somebody in my room. Go. Look. A murderer with an axe. He did try to even kill me.
BILL
It’s all right. It’s all right. ( to Kevin) Go back to bed. It’s only Edward. (to Edward) This way.
PEG Honey, that was Edward.
KIM Who is he? What are you talking about?
PEG
Edward’s come to live with us. There’s nothing to be upset about. No, no. It’s okay.
BILL We’ll have you a setup here in a minute. Up with your feet. A queen-size bed here. How do
you like that? It’s all made up and everything. There you go. What’s the matter? What’s wrong? She gets you nervous? You’ve been closed up in a way in that castle too long. You don’t know anything about the wonderful world of teen-age girls. They’re all crazy. Here some. Straighten
that out.
EDWARD What is it?
BILL Lemonade. I don’t know what it is. They reach a
certain age. They develop these gland things. Their bodies swell up. They go crazy.
EDWARD Glands?
BILL
yeah, glands. I try not to think about it (Edward drinks lemonade.) Good. Isn’t it? (Peg calms down Kim.)
PEG
Now you stay in Kevin’s room tonight. Tomorrow we’ll fix your room right.
KIM Mom, why did you have to bring him in here?
PEG
Oh, honey, I couldn’t have left him there all alone. You would have done the same thing.
KIM Why does he have to stay here?
PEG
Oh, my goodness, Kim. I’m surprised at you. He can’t help the way he is. Have a little sympathy.
KIM I do have a little sympathy.
PEG Then let’s just say hello and later you can come downstairs and shake his hand.
KIM Shake his hand?
PEG Well, not literally. Goodness, you scared him half to death.
KIM I scared him to death?
PEG Hi, Bill. I just wanted you two to have a proper introduction. Edward, this is our daughter Kim. Kim, this is Edward who’s going to live with us.
KIM Hi! (Edward falls on the floor.)
JOYCE (to Edward)
Eddie. Thirsty? (to Kisses) Kisses, Hush up. Quiet now. I can hardly hear myself think. Momma’s precious little baby girl. (to Edward)
Wouldn’t you like a nice cool glass of lemonade?
EDWARD Lemonade? (Vomits)
(Bell rings)
KEVIN One chop to guy’s neck. And it’s all over. They’re the sharpest things in the world. They can hack through anything. And…
KIM I think they look weird. They give me the creeps.
A GIRL You should see the clown in front of Ms.
Peter’s yard.
EDWARD Kim!
KIM Oh, no!
A GIRL That’s him?
JIM He’s calling you, Kim.
KIM Stop it.
A WOMAN Edward, you forgot your cookies.
JIM
Don’t worry, Eddie. She’s waiting for you.
A GIRL Let’s go.
PEG Bill, you know what Edward told me? He had
lunch at Jackie’s today.
BILL Really?
PEG She’s just had her kitchen completely redone.
BILL I’ll be darned.
PEG New paint, new cabinets, new floors, new microwave, new Sonnet dishwasher.
BILL Yeah, isn’t that wonderful?
PEG Isn’t that something? Jim, didn’t you tell me your mom had her kitchen done too?
JIM Yeah, my dad bought himself a bunch of new toys. Big screen TV, CD players, VCR with four heads.
PEG
My goodness sake! I wonder what it’s like to be that rich.
JIM No, they keep things pretty much locked up. My father has his own room for his stuff to make
sure I can’t get and use it. He’s so cheap he won’t help me buy my own car.
BILL Well, he probably wants you to pay for it yourself. I agree with him. It builds
character. You’ll appreciate it more. Speaking of money, I understand you are not charging for gardening, Edward?
PEG Now, Bill. Margie made him cookies today.
BILL Sweetheart, you can’t buy the necessities of life with cookies. You can’t buy car with cookies. Am I right, Jim?
JIM
Ah, that’s true, sir. You can’t. (Edward gives a piece of meat to Kim’s friend.)
A GIRL I can’t eat that. He used his hands. I don’t
think it’s sanitary. (Edward passes the piece to Kim but drops it in her lap by mistake.)
EDWARD
I’m sorry.
PEG Honey, you want me to help you clean that up?
KIM No, that’s okay. I’ll be right back.
(Edward begins styling women’s hair and becomes famous.)
HOUSEWIFE This can’t possibly be my Alexis. (to Edward)
She looks so beautiful. Look at you. She’s gorgeous. Thank you.
PEG It won’t be long. She has just to decide on the style, and then it will be fine. She just has
to decide what style she wants.
JOYCE I was hoping for something big and bouffant. Kind of like mine. Don’t you worry , Kisses. You’ll be so pretty. Eddie, is there anything
you can’t do? You take my breath away. I swear. Look at this. Have you ever cut a woman’s hair? Would you cut mine? That was the single most thrilling experience of my whole life.
PEG
We’re getting the head of the company.
KIM I’m home.
PEG Hi, honey. We’re in here.
KIM Hi! What did you do to your hair?
PEG Edward cut it. Isn’t it wild? (on telephone) <!–nextpage–> Hello. Oh, I can’t believe I’m talking to you in person. This is such an honor. Yes. He’s right here. Great. So then you know all about it. Aha. That’s exactly what I’ve been using. Well, I’ve had a little trouble getting it to the right consistency. Yeah, right. just a
little. I’ll try that. Well, what imaginative suggestions! I sure will. Thank you so much. Bye bye. (to Edward) No wonder she’s the head of the company. You know, she started out as a sales representative
just like me. I’ve always wanted to talk to her but until now I never had a reason. Thanks, Edward.
EDWARD She had some ideas?
PEG You bet she did. (At the Airport)
MARGIE I’ll get that.
MARGIE Edward! We’re here. Come on. Let’s get you sharpened up.
JIM You got it?
KIM No, I can’t believe this. (Kim sees Edward coming.) Do you have a key?
EDWARD
No.
KIM I could have sworn I put it in here somewhere.
JIM Well, we’re stranded.
(Edward opens the locked door with his scissorhands.)
KIM Wow! Thanks.
JIM
Ed, what a guy! Good job. Hey, you didn’t break it or scratch it or anything. Hey, be a pal and yell when Peg pulls in, huh?
TV HOST Quite a story, yes? Any questions for Edward?
Yeah, get way over. Stand right up.
WOMAN 1 What’s been the best part of your new life here in town?
EDWARD
The friends I’ve made.
TV HOST Any other questions?
WOMAN 2 Have you ever thought of having corrective
surgery or prosthetics? I know a doctor that might be able to help you.
EDWARD I’d like to meet him.
TV HOST
We’ll give that name after the show. Thank you very much. That’s very nice. Anyone else? Yes, stand right up.
WOMAN 3 But if you had regular hands you’d be like
everyone else.
EDWARD Yes, I know.
TV HOST I think he’d like that.
WOMAN 4 Then no one would think you’re special. You wouldn’t be on TV or anything.
PEG No matter what, Edward will always special.
TV HOST More questions? Stand right up.
WOMAN 5 Your work is so interesting distinctive and unique. Do you have plans to open your own
beauty salon?
TV HOST There’s an idea. Anyone else? Yeah.
WOMAN 6 Do you have a girl friend? Ahh.
(Living room in Peg’s)
JIM Sure, he does. Right, Kim?
KIM Now you got him started.
JIM Knock it off, bubble- butt.
KEVIN You did it.
JIM So? (On the TV Show)
TV HOST How about it? Is there some special lady in
your life?
TV HOST Uh, everything’s all right. He’ll take a break and we’ll be right back after these messages.
KIM
Why are you laughing? He got hurt.
JIM It was a little shock. Ha! Ha! Ha!
KIM A little shock?
JIM I wish we’d been taping that. I’d give my left nut to see that again. (Edward in beauty salon)
JOYCE
Aren’t you excited? Oh, this is just so thrilling. Wait till I show it to you. It’s just perfect. It’s just what we’ve been looking for. I want to call it “Shear Heaven.” Here we are. No, all along here I’m going to put a row of new mirrors. Back up here a whole row of new
cosmetics. (TV 1/4) All along this row here.
EDWARD Peg could sell cosmetics.
JOYCE Sure. This is where I stand when I greet the customers. Back in here is what I really want to show you. This is the storeroom for supplies. What I need from you today is to help
me make a decision. Don’t, that’s dangerous. You just sit down right there. I have some smocks. Would you like me to model them? This is my favorite because it’s yellow. And what it’s for is to catch itchy little trimming that fall down your neck. Then there’s this old
purple one, you know, you kind of drape around you like this.
EDWARD I like that one.
JOYCE
You’re trembling. So am I. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long. Edward! Edward, you come back here! You can’t do that! (In the Restaurant)
BILL
Veloro. Veloro. Sweetheart. That hangs on the dash board.
PEG I’ve never seen that.
EDWARD
Sorry I’m late.
PEG Hi, Edward. Sorry. We had to go ahead without you. Here you go.
BILL
So, Edward, did you have a productive day?
EDWARD Mrs. Monroe showed me where the salon is going to be. You could have a cosmetic counter.
PEG
Wouldn’t that be great?
BILL Great.
EDWARD And then she showed me the back room where she
took all of her clothes off.
BILL Edward. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I’m just as pleased as Punch. This whole beauty parlor, that’s what’s going to teach you
volumes. There’s nothing like running your own business. I’ve never done it myself, but from what I gather it’s the greatest satisfaction a working man can have. So I guess the bank is going to be your next step, huh?
EDWARD The bank?
BILL Yeah, take out a loan. Get yourself started. Nothing to worry about. With your talent and
reputation, it’s going to be a snap. Now.
BANK CLERK No credit, no record of jobs you’ve held, no savings, no personal investment, no social security number. You may as well not even
exist. There is no collateral.
PEG You know. We already have a second on the house, but don’t the testimonials make a difference? Did you see here, the mayor’s wife
can’t wait to become a client?
BANK CLERK We simply can’t do it. Now get yourself a social security card. Establish credit and buy yourself a car. You have the side to advantage.
You can get one of those handicapped placards. No problem. Park anywhere you like.
PEG I can’t believe it. Really, it’s just an outrage. Don’t you worry. This isn’t the end of
it. We’ll get your money somewhere.
KIM But that’s breaking and entering.
JIM Look. My parents have insurance up the rear.
Okay? And all it will cost them is a little hassle. That’s about it. In a week my dad will have new and better everything.
KIM We can’t.
JIM Look. There’s a guy who will give us cash for the stuff.
KIM Jim, I don’t want to.
JIM Well, do you want to ride around in a van like Denny’s, and we could be by ourselves whenever we like? With a mattress in the back?
KIM
Why can’t you just do it?
JIM Because my father keeps the damn room locked, and we need Edward to get us in.
KIM
Why can’t you take the key like when he’s sleeping or something?
JIM Look, you don’t understand, everything he handcuffs or ties will do anything for you.
KIM What do you mean? That’s not true.
JIM Oh, no? Why don’t you ask him?
KIM That’s not fair.
JIM What’s fair got to do with it? There isn’t any other way.
KIM There got to be.
JIM Look. I’ve racked my brain. Don’t you want us to have our own van?
KIM Yeah. Jim, the lights are on.
JIM Those go on automatically. They’ve gone for the weekend. I told you. That’s right.
DENNY This burglar scared.
KIM You turned off the alarm. Am I right?
JIM Yes, everything, come on. Let’s go. Come on.
KIM I can’t believe this is happening.
A GIRL
Are you sure he doesn’t know this is Jim’s house?
KIM He’s never been here.
EDWARD
This person stole from you?
JIM Keep your voice down. I told you he stole it. Right? Come on. Let’s go.
EDWARD
His parents will make him give it back.
JIM Listen, I’ve already tried that. The guy’s parents are like he is. Okay? Now, you told Kim you’d do this. Well, come on. Let’s go. Come
on. Come on. Come on. (Edward picks the lock and the door opens, but when he steps into the room the alarm works and the door shuts.)
JIM The bastard had it wired separately. Come on.
KIM No, Jim. We can’t just leave him here.
POLICEMAN
We know you’re in there.
OFFICER ALLEN We’re in the process of deactivating the system so that you can come out.
KIM
Denny, turn around!
JIM No way!
KIM Jim, it’s your house. They can’t arrest you for
setting off your own alarm. We’ll just tell them we were breaking in.
JIM I’m not going back there. Okay?
KIM
We have to go back.
JIM No, because my father will prosecute.
KIM His own son?
JIM Especially his own son. If Edward tells, I’ll kill him.
KIM Denny, turn around.
JIM No.
KIM Turn around. We have to.
OFFICER ALLEN Put your hands high in the air so we can see them. Put your hands up!
POLICEMAN (to Allen)
He’s got something in his hands. Looks like knives.
OFFICER ALLEN Drop your weapon I repeat. Drop your weapon. I’ll ask you one more time and this is your
last warning. Drop your weapon. If you fail to do so, we’ll have to open fire. Don’t make us do that, please. Drop your weapons. Drop them. Now. Looks like we got a psycho. Prepare to fire. (Neighbors gather and ask not to
fire.)
A WOMAN Please. We know him.
OFFICER ALLEN Alright, cuff him.
(At police station)
PEG But can we see him now?
POLICEMAN We’ll have to hold him overnight for
observation.
PEG He has to stay in prison all night?
POLICEMAN Pick him up in the morning.
(criminal investigation section in police station)
PEG Oh, Edward. Hello Edward, dear. I blame myself.
BILL
(to Edward) What in god’s name was going through your mind, son?
PEG Why don’t I set a better example? You saw how I
envied Jim’s parents, their money.
BILL What were you going to do with that stuff?
PEG Oh, I blithely say, “We’ll get money for the
salon somehow.” But I never meant stealing. Stealing’s not the way to get it. Stealing’s not the way to get anything.
BILL Except trouble. And you’re in a heap of that.
PEG Why ever did you do this?
OFFICER ALLEN Will he be okay, Doc?
PSYCHOLOGIST The years in spent isolation have not equipped him with the tools necessary to judge right from wrong. He’s had no context. He’s been completely without guidance. Furthermore his work, the garden sculptures, hair styles, and
so forth. Indicate that he’s a highly imaginative.
OFFICER ALLEN Character.
PSYCHOLOGIST
It seems clear that his awareness of what we call reality is radically underdeveloped.
OFFICER ALLEN But will he be all right out there?
PSYCHOLOGIST
Oh, yeah. He’ll be fine.
OFFICER ALLEN (to Edward) Listen. It could keep me up all night worrying about you. Watch yourself.
(roadside)
MARGIE I heard this noise and ran out in my bathrobe.
JOYCE All along I felt in my gut. There was something
wrong with him.
MARGIE It could have been my house.
HELEN It could have been any of our houses.
ESMERALDA I warned you, didn’t I? I saw the sign of satan on him. You didn’t heed my warning. but now you will because now you see it too. (Reporters approach Edward and
Peg.)
PEG Edward. You stay here.
REPORTER What do you say in your defense?
EDWARD Nothing.
PEG He didn’t want to talk.
REPORTER You have to say something.
PEG He can’t talk right now.
REPORTER
No comments? No remarks?
REPORTER (to Edward) So were you set up? What was going through your mind? One comment.
PEG We have to get in the house. We don’t want to talk to you. We’ll talk to you later.
REPORTER One comment.
<!–nextpage–> PEG Well, for goodness sakes, Lois, I’ll see you at our Christmas party. Before I get you here for your haircut. Of course, we’ll have it this year. Why wouldn’t we have it this year? Well,
you may think that, but you’re wrong.
KIM You’re here. They didn’t hurt you, did they? Were you scared? I tried to make Jim go back, but you can’t make Jim do anything. Thank you
for not telling them about me.
EDWARD You are welcome.
KIM It must have been awful when they told you
whose house it was.
EDWARD I know it was Jim’s house.
KIM You did?
EDWARD Yes.
KIM Well, then why did you do it?
EDWARD Because you asked me to. (Jim called out for Kim.)
KIM Don’t.
JIM What’s the matter with you? When you are going to stop? I did what I could. My old man think he’s retarded, otherwise he’d still be in jail. What more do you want from me?
KIM You could tell the truth.
JIM So could do. You were there, too.
KIM It wasn’t my idea. You know I didn’t want to do it.
JIM But you did do it. I don’t get why you give
such a shit anyway.
BILL Well, we are going to try to help you find a way to replace the drapes and the towels, but our confidence in you, Edward, is not going to
be so easy to replace.
KIM Dad!
BILL Okay, a little ethics. You are walking down the
street. You find a suitcase full of money. There’s nobody around. No human person is in evidence. What do you do? A You keep the money. B You use it to buy gifts for your friends and your loved ones. C
You give it to the poor. D You turn it into the police.
KIM That is really stupid.
PEG
Kim!
KEVIN I keep the money.
PEG Simmer down.
BILL Edward?
KIM Hey, how about after dinner we go down to the bowling alley? That will be fun.
PEG You are not seeing Jim tonight?
KIM No.
KEVIN You know we had a cool show-and-tell today. This kid brought in a box of baby possums, 10. maybe 12. Totally naked. No hair at all.
PEG
Honey, this is fascinating. but I don’t think your father’s finished yet.
BILL Thank you, dear. Edward, we are waiting.
EDWARD
Give it to my loved ones?
PEG Oh, Edward, it does seem that that’s what you should do, bit it’s not.
KEVIN
You dope, everybody knows he’s supposed to give it to the police.
BILL Good thinking, Kevin.
KIM
Well, think about it, you guys, I mean, that’s the nicer thing to do. That’s what I would do.
BILL We’re trying to make things easier for him, so let’s cut the comedy for a little while.
KIM I am being serious. It’s a nicer thing to do.
BILL We’re not talking nice. We’re talking right and wrong.
KIM Shut up.
PEG Oh, goodness sake, no wonder poor Edward can’t learn right from wrong living in his family.
(Margie and women on the phone.)
WOMAN 1
Did you hear what he did to Peg’s curtains?
MARGIE
It is unbelievable that they’re having their Christmas party anyway. Are you going?
WOMAN 1 Oh, I don’t think so.
MARGIE
He practically raped Joyce, you know threatening her with those knives? It’s a miracle she escaped.
HELEN I don’t have anything against Bill and Peg,
but…
JOYCE I know, I know. They’ve got that teenage daughter in the house. Oh, those poor things after what happened to me can you imagine?
HELEN What do you say to Peg about the Christmas party?
MARGIE I said I hoped. We’d make it.
HELEN I lied, too. (Peg’s living room)
PEG Edward, do you want to give me that new
haircut?
EDWARD Again?
PEG yes, sure.
PEG It makes me proud to have you as my own personal hairdresser.
KEVIN Hi, honey. honey.
EDWARD Kevin, you want to play scissors-paper-stone?
KEVIN No.
EDWARD No, why?
KEVIN It’s boring. I’m tired of always winning.
PEG
Other people’s feelings?
KEVIN I’ll be outside.
PEG A few manners? Just never you mind. Just you
cut away. Cut away. It needs something else. What do you think, honey?
KIM More bells?
