Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Mike There can’t be this many floors.
Willy Wonka How do you know, Mr Smarty-Pants? And this isn’t just an ordinary up and down elevator, by the way. This elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways, and any other ways you can think of. You just press any button and, whoosh, you’re off. Oh, look. Look. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to fudge mountain. Oh… I’d rather not talk about this one. This is the puppet hospital and burn centre. It’s relatively new. Ah, the administration offices. Hello, Doris.
Mike Why is everything here completely pointless?
Charlie Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.
Mike It’s stupid.
Wilbur Wonka Candy is a waste of time. No son of mine is going to be a chocolatier.
Young Willie Then I’ll run away. To Switzerland. Bavaria. The candy capitals of the world.
Wilbur Wonka Go ahead. But I won’t be here when you come back.
Guard Sorry, son. We’re closing for the night.
Mike I wanna pick a room.
Willie Wonka Go ahead. Here. Put these on quick, and don’t take them off whatever you do. This light could burn your eyeballs right out of your skulls. And we certainly don’t want that, now, do we? This is the testing room for my very latest and greatest invention: Television Chocolate. One day it occurred to me. . . Hey, if television can break up a photograph into millions and millions of tiny little pieces and send it whizzing through the air, then reassemble it on the other end. . . Why can’t I do the same thing with chocolate? Why can’t I, send a real bar of chocolate through the television, all ready to be eaten?
Oprah Winfrey (TV) I’m not gonna touch it. I’m not going in that direction.
Mr Teavee Sounds impossible.
Mike It is impossible. You don’t understand anything about science. First off, there’s a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, theamount of power it would take to convert energy in matter would be like nine atomic bombs.
Willie Wonka Mumbler! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you’re saying. Okey-dokey. I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room. . . to the other, by television. Bring in the chocolate! It’s gotta be real big, ‘cos you know how on TV you can film a regular-size man, and he comes out looking this tall? Same basic principle.
Charlie It’s gone!
Willie Wonka Told you. Now, that bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air above our heads in a million tiny little pieces. Come over here. Come on. Come on. Come on! Watch the screen. Here it comes. Oh, look. Take it.
Mike It’s just a picture on a screen.
Willie Wonka Scaredy-cat. You take it. Go on. Just reach out and grab it. Go on.
Grandpa Joe Holy buckets.
Willie Wonka Eat it. Go on. It’ll be delicious. It’s the same bar. It’s just gotten a little smaller on the journey, that’s all.
Charlie It’s great.
Grandpa Joe It’s a miracle.
Willie Wonka So imagine, ah, you’re sitting at home watching television and suddenly a commercial will flash onto the screen, and a voice will say, “Wonka’s chocolates are the best in the world. If you don’t believe us, try one for yourself.” And you simply reach out. . . and take it. How about that?
Mr Teavee So can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?
Willie Wonka Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal’s made of? It’s those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.
Charlie But could you send it by television if you wanted to?
Willie Wonka Of course I could.
Mike What about people?
Willie Wonka Well, why would I want to send a person? They don’t taste very good at all.
Mike Don’t you realise what you’ve invented? It’s a teleporter. It’s the most important invention in the history of the world. And all you think about is chocolate.
Mr Teavee Calm down, Mike. I think Mr Wonka knows what he’s talking about.
Mike No, he doesn’t. He has no idea. You think he’s a genius, but he’s an idiot. But I’m not.
Willie Wonka Hay, little boy. Don’t push my button.
Mr Teavee He’s gone.
Willie Wonka Let’s go check the television, see what we get. I sure hope no part of him gets left behind.
Mr Teavee What do you mean?
Willie Wonka Well, sometimes only half the little pieces find their way through. If you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?
Mr Teavee What kind of a question is that?
Willie Wonka No need to snap. Just a question. Try every channel. I’m starting to feel a little anxious.
Charlie There he is.
Mr Teavee Mike.
Oompa-Loompas Sing The most important thing, That we’ve ever learned, The most important thing we’ve learned, As far as children are concerned, Is never, never let them near, The television set, Or better still just don’t install, The idiotic thing at all, Never, never let them, Never, never let them, Never, never let them, Never, never let them, It rots the senses in the head, It keeps imagination dead, It clogs and clutters up the mind, It makes a child so dull and blind, So dull, so dull, He can no longer understand, A fairy tale, a fairyland, A fairyland, a fairyland, His brain becomes as soft as cheese, His thinking powers rust and freeze, He cannot think, he only sees. Regarding little Mike Teavee, We very much regret that we, Regret that we, Shall simply have to wait and see, Wait and see, wait and see, Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see, We very much regret that we, Shall simply have to wait and see, If we can get him back his height, But if we can’t, It serves him right.
Willy Wonka Ooh, somebody grab him.
Mike Help me. Help me.
Willy Wonka Oh, thank heavens. He’s completely unharmed.
Mr Teavee Unharmed? What are you talking about?
Mike Just put me back in the other way.
Willy Wonka There is no other way. It’s television, not telephone. There’s quite a difference.
Mr Teavee And what exactly do you propose to do about it?
Willy Wonka I don’t know. But young men are extremely springy. They stretch like mad. Ah! Let’s go put him in the taffy puller.
Mr Teavee Taffy puller?!
Willy Wonka Hey, that was my idea. Boy, is he gonna be skinny. Yeah. Taffy puller. I want you to take Mr Teavee and his… little boy, up to the taffy puller, okay? Stretch him out. On with the tour. There’s still so much left to see. Now, how many children are left?
Grandpa Joe Mr Wonka, Charlie’s the only one left now.
Willy Wonka You mean, you’re the only one?
Charlie Yes.
Willy Wonka What happened to the others? Oh, my dear boy, but that mean’s you’ve won. Oh, I do congratulate you. I really do. I’m absolutely delighted. I had a hunch you know, right from the beginning. Well done. Now, we mustn’t dilly, or dally. Because we have an enormous number of things to do before the day’s out. But luckily for us, we have the great glass elevator to speed things al. . . Speed things along. Come on.
Charlie Up and out? What kind of room is that?
Willy Wonka Hold on. Oh, my goodness. We’re gonna need to go much faster, otherwise we’ll just never break through.
Charlie Break through what?
Willy Wonka I’ve been longing to press that button for years. Well, here we go. Up and out!
Grandpa Joe But do you really mean. . .?
Willy Wonka Yeah, I do.
Grandpa Joe But it’s made of glass. It’ll smash into a million pieces.
Mrs Gloop Augustus, please, don’t eat your fingers.
Augustus But I taste so good.
Violet Look, Mother. I’m much more flexible now.
Mrs Beauregarde Yes, but you’re blue.
Veruca Daddy, I want a flying glass elevator.
Mr Salt Veruca, the only thing you’re getting today is a bath, and that’s final.
Veruca But I want it.
Willy Wonka Where do you live?
Charlie Right over there. That little house.
Mrs Bucket What time do you think they’ll be back?
Mr Bucket Hard to know, dear.
Grandma Georgina I think there’s someone at the door.
Charlie Hi, Mom.
Mrs Bucket Hi.
Charlie Mom. Dad. We’re back.
Mr Bucket Charlie.
Mrs Bucket Charlie.
Mr Bucket Goodness.
Charlie This is Willy Wonka. He gave us a ride home.
Mrs Bucket I see that.
Willy Wonka You must be the boy’s. . .
Mr Bucket Parents?
Willy Wonka Yeah. That.
Grandpa Joe He says Charlie’s won something.
Willy Wonka Not just some something. The most ‘something’ something of any something that’s ever been. I’m gonna give this little boy my entire factory.
Grandpa Joe You must be joking.
Willy Wonka No, really. It’s true. Because, you see, a few months ago, I was having my semi-annual haircut. . . and I had the strangest revelation. In that one silver hair, I saw reflected my life’s work, my factory, my beloved Oompa-Loompas. Who would watch over them after I was gone? I realised in that moment, ‘I must find and Heir’. And I did, Charlie. You.
Charlie That’s why you sent out the golden tickets.
Willy Wonka Ah-ha.
Mrs Bucket What are Oompa-Loompas?
Willy Wonka I invited five children to the factory and the one who was the least rotten would be the winner.
Grandpa Joe That’s you, Charlie.
Willy Wonka So what do you say? Are you ready to leave all this behind and come live with me at the factory?
Charlie Sure. Of course. I mean, it’s all right if my family come too?
Willy Wonka Oh, my dear boy, of course they can’t. You can’t run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old, dead goose. No offence.
Grandpa George None taken, jerk.
Willy Wonka A chocolatier has to run free and solo. He has to follow his dreams. Gosh darn the consequences. Look at me. I had no family, and I’m a giant success.
Charlie So if I go with you to the factory, I won’t ever see my family again?
Willy Wonka Yeah. Consider that a bonus.
Charlie Then I’m not going. I wouldn’t give up my family for anything. Not for all the chocolate in the world.
Willy Wonka Oh, I see. That’s weird. There’s other candy too besides chocolate.
Charlie I’m sorry, Mr Wonka. I’m staying here.
Willy Wonka Wow. Well, that’s just. . . unexpected. . . and weird. But I suppose, in that case, I’ll just. . . Goodbye, then. Sure you won’t change your mind?
Charlie I’m sure.
Willy Wonka Okay. Bye.
Grandma Georgina Things are going to get much better.
Narrator And for once, Grandma Georgina knew exactly what she was talking about. The next morning, Charlie helped his parents fix the hole in the roof. Grandpa Joe spent the whole day out of bed. He didn’t feel tired at all. Charlie’s father got a better job at the toothpaste factory. . . repairing the machine that had replaced him. Things had never been better for the Bucket family. The same could not be said for Willy Wonka.
Willy Wonka I can’t put my finger on it. Candy’s always been the only thing I was ever certain of and now I’m just not certain at all. I don’t know which flavours to make. I don’t know which ideas to try. I’m second-guessing my self, which is nuts. I’ve always made whatever candy I felt like, and I. . . That’s just it, isn’t it? I make the candy I feel like, but now I feel terrible, so the candy’s terrible. You’re very good. Pity about that chocolate fellow, Wendell, er, Walter.
Charlie Willy Wonka.
Willy Wonka That’s the one. Says here in the paper his new candies aren’t selling very well. But I suppose he’s just a rotten egg who deserves it.
Charlie Yep.
Willy Wonka Oh, really? You ever met him?
Charlie I did. I thought he was great at first, but then he didn’t turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut.
Willy Wonka I do not!
Charlie Why are you here?
Willy Wonka I don’t feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
Charlie My family.
Willy Wonka Euw.
Charlie What do you have against my family?
Willy Wonka It’s not just your family. It’s the whole idea of. . . You know, they’re always telling you what to do, what not to do, and it’s not conducive to a creative atmosphere.
Charlie Usually they’re just trying to protect you because they love you. If you don’t believe me, you should ask.
Willy Wonka Ask who? My father? No way. At least, not by myself.
Charlie You want me to go with you?
Willy Wonka Hey. Hey, what a good idea. Yeah! And you know what? I got transp. . . I have to be more careful where I park this thing. I think we’ve got the wrong house.
Wilbur Wonka Do you have an appointment?
Charlie No. But he’s overdue.
Wilbur Wonka Open. Now, let’s see what the damage is, shall we? Heavens. I haven’t seen bicuspids like these since. . . Since. . . Willy?
Willy Wonka Hi, Dad.
Wilbur Wonka All these years. . . and you haven’t flossed.
Willy Wonka Not once.
Narrator It was on this day that Willy Wonka repeated his offer to Charlie, who accepted on one condition.
Charlie Sorry we’re late. We were brainstorming.
Grandpa George Though I heard thunder.
Mr Bucket You staying for dinner, Willy?
Willy Wonka Yes, please.
Grandpa Joe I’ll shuffle the plates.
Grandma Georgina You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.
Willy Wonka Oh, thank you. You smell like. . . old people and soap. I like it.
Grandma Josephine Elbows off the table, Charlie.
Willy Wonka How do you feel about little raspberry kites?
Charlie With licorice instead of string.
Mrs Bucket Boys, no business at the dinner table.
Charlie Sorry, Mom.
Willy Wonka I think you’re on to something, though, Charlie.
Narrator In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka got something even better. . . A family. And one thing was absolutely certain. . . Life had never been sweeter.
