The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

INT MONASTERY DINING HALL NIGHT

Entering via a window and looking down into the monastery dining hall, we see DOZENS OF MONKS sitting at a long refectory table. They are eating their supper and listening to a young DR. PARNASSUS who is sitting on a dais at the far end of the hall, his eyes closed, in a trance, telling a story.

A log fire burns in a big fireplace.

DR. PARNASSUS … Having captured the wind and tamed the storm … the Chief Steward, laying down to take his rest, had a disturbing dream… He dreamt that a hooded rider was approaching across the snow-swept plain.

DR. PARNASSUS (CONT’D) A rider who would challenge the very foundations of the world…

The door to the refectory swings open with a crash.

The MONKS look up.

Standing on the thresh-hold is the hooded figure, covered with snow.

He throws off his hood. It’s MR NICK.

DR. PARNASSUS (CONT’D) … The Steward woke and remembered his dream. What manner of man had he dreamt of, and what did it signify?

INT MONASTERY DINING HALL LATER

DR. PARNASSUS and MR NICK are sitting at the fire.

Behind them, in the hall, MONKS come and go.

On the dais, a MONK continues with the story. This monk is a younger PERCY.

PERCY … And as the waters rose… the people’s need for stories grew. Stories that would feed a great hunger. A hunger for more than just understanding…

PERCY continues telling the story in the background.

MR NICK What exactly do you do here?

DR. PARNASSUS We tell the eternal story.

MR NICK Oh…. What’s that?

DR. PARNASSUS The story that sustains the universe. The story without which there is nothing.

MR NICK Nothing? Really. Are you telling me that if you stop telling a story… (waving in the direction of Percy) This story… something you made up, a fiction… that the universe ceases to exist?

DR. PARNASSUS You make it sound so simple.

MR NICK And you believe it?

DR. PARNASSUS smiles.

MR NICK (CONT’D) Incredible. It’s just incredible to me that you can believe something that can be so easily disproved.

DR. PARNASSUS (complacently) I don’t think so.

MR NICK turns and throws a spell at PERCY who goes rigid like a statue – struck dumb. The story stops.

DR. PARNASSUS (CONT’D) (alarmed) No!

Another MONK, sitting at the table, immediately continues the story.

SUBSTITUTE MONK ..having been brought to the limit of his endurance…

MR NICK freezes him too, stopping him from speaking.

A third monk continues.

THIRD MONK …yet the forces of evil could not prevail, and…

MR.NICK renders him silent.

DR. PARNASSUS Stop!

MR NICK zaps DR. PARNASSUS and all the other MONKS. All still. None of them can speak.

MR NICK There you are. You see. The story’s stopped. No more story… And yet, we’re still here, the fire’s still burning…

He pushes open a window.

MR NICK (CONT’D) It’s still snowing. The wind’s still blowing. Nothing’s changed.

DR. PARNASSUS and the MONKS, still struck dumb, look appalled.

MR NICK (CONT’D) Cheer up… I’ve freed you from this ridiculous nonsense.

MR NICK undoes the spell.

The MONKS moan. DR. PARNASSUS slumps down in despair.

MR NICK smiles and lights a cigarette. He’s enjoying this.

MR NICK (CONT’D) Now you can use your powers to do something else. Have fun, travel, learn a foreign language…

Splat! A gob of bird shit lands on MR. NICK’S head. An eagle circles overhead. It swoops across the hall and exits through a window.

DR. PARNASSUS leaps up, laughing, amazed, revived.

DR. PARNASSUS A sign! A message! That bird was a messenger… from distant places we know not of! (triumphant) Other places! The point is, you’re wrong! And I’m wrong! It doesn’t have to be us here! (indicating monks) Somewhere in the world, at any given time… someone is telling a story! Sustaining the universe! Right now, it’s happening.

DR. PARNASSUS (CONT’D) That’s why we’re still here. You can’t stop stories being told somewhere! You can’t be everywhere!

MR NICK is furious.

MR NICK (irritated) A weak hypothesis!

DR. PARNASSUS (smiling) Yes?

MR NICK stubs out his cigarette.

MR NICK I tell you what… You’re probably not a betting man but…

MR NICK whispers into the DR. PARNASSUS’s ear.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) And so I made a wager with the devil.

EXT ON THE ROAD (MIDDLE AGES) DAY/NIGHT

DR. PARNASSUS and PERCY are travelling the world with a little theatre. Giving performances. Inviting AUDIENCE MEMBERS onto the stage to participate.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) Whichever of us won ten converts first, would win the bet… My argument was the importance of the story, the power of the imagination… His, the power of material things, the supremacy of stuff… Naturally… I won.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O. (CONT’D) My prize… (a voice filled with horror) … was ever-lasting life.

Another show…now the 18TH CENTURY

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) (CONT’D) Everlasting torment… Everlasting… Everlasting… Times changed. No one wanted our tales any longer.

EXT. MODERN CITY STREET DAY

DR. PARNASSUS and PERCY are performing on a street corner in modern clothes. As are all the PASSERSBY who pay them no attention.

They look exhausted, like beggars…and very old.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) It seemed as though the Devil, after all… had triumphed… And then… one day….

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (played by the same actress as Valentina, but older with different coloured hair) comes into view.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) (CONT’D) From the very first moment I saw her, I was head-over-heels in love. She was beautiful, enchanting, delightful, young… But I… I was several thousand years old! How could I woo her? What could I do?

EXT. CLIFF TOP EVENING

PARNASSUS, trying to prevent him from throwing himself off the cliff.

PERCY Don’t be a fool! You can’t die! You’re immortal! You’ll just end up broken, in the eternity ward, and I’ll be stuck looking after you! Forever!

DR. PARNASSUS breaks free, stumbles backwards, and pitches out into space. PERCY screams.

DR. PARNASSUS V.O. At times like these… the devil is never far away.

DR. PARNASSUS is hanging by his coat, snagged on a branch angled out from the cliff face and held, like a fishing rod, by MR NICK who has a great grin on his face.

EXT. RIVER DAY

in a row boat, picnicking, as they float down a river. They are in love, very happy to be together.

PERCY, wearing a blazer, flannels and straw boater is rowing or punting.

DR. PARNASSUS (V.O.) The devil granted me mortality again…and youth and great powers. I won my bride. I was in love. But at what price…

The boat bumps into a submerged log. DR. PARNASSUS tries to push free. Several cigarette butts float past. Looking up, DR. PARNASSUS sees a man sitting on the riverbank, fishing, smoking a cigarette. It’s MR NICK .

There is a loud and ominous clap of thunder.

INT. PARNASSUS’ DEN NIGHT

DOCTOR PARNASSUS …at what price….

DR. PARNASSUS looks haggard. He closes his eyes. He sways and drops the paper-weight.

VALENTINA Father!…

At that moment the wagon lurches to a stop and we hear frantic banging on the roof.

DR PARNASSUS is glad of the excuse not to go on.

DR. PARNASSUS We’ve stopped.

VALENTINA What do you mean `at what price’?

DR. PARNASSUS (turning back to his Tarot cards) It’ll wait, it’ll wait. Another time. Something’s happened. You’d better go and see.

VALENTINA Typical! You insist I listen to a story and then you don’t finish it!

More banging from above.

DR. PARNASSUS Go and see!

VALENTINA turns and goes.

PARNASSUS looks miserable but, almost relieved. He turns over the next card.

It’s The Hanged Man. It depicts a body hanging from a gibbet surrounded by several arcane objects.

PARNASSUS studies the card, trying to wring some meaning from it – then lays The Hanged Man in the space between the others. He takes a swig from the bottle.

EXT WAGON ON BLACK FRIARS’ BRIDGE NIGHT

The wagon has stopped in the middle of Blackfriar’s bridge. It’s pouring with rain.

VALENTINA, wearing some sort of covering against the rain, climbs out of the hatch and onto the roof of the wagon.

Here she finds ANTON pointing excitedly down into the Thames.

ANTON Incredible! I saw somebody d- dancing in the air.. under the b- bridge..

VALENTINA looks doubtfully at PERCY who peers morosely out from under his sou-wester and shakes his head.

ANTON (CONT’D) It’s true! There was a sh-shadow on the water, when the lightning flashed…

Lightning flashes again.

We see what ANTON and VALENTINA see. A shadow, on the water, of someone `dancing’, hung by his neck with a rope attached to the underside of the bridge.

ANTON (CONT’D) (triumphant) You see! The d-dancer!

VALENTINA (horrified) There’s someone hanging there!

ANTON (smugly to Percy) I t-told you!

VALENTINA A rope! Get a rope!

EXT SIDE OF BLACK FRIARS’ BRIDGE MOMENTS LATER

ANTON is `absailing’ over the side of the bridge. One end of a rope is tied around his waist, the other is attached to the bridge parapet. A lantern dangles from his waist.

VALENTINA and PERCY watch ANTON’S perilous descent.

Moments later there are two bodies hanging from the bridge, the mysterious HANGING MAN’S and ANTON’S.

The MAN is hanging by a noose around his neck, still jerking in his dance of death. His hands are tied behind his back.

ANTON can’t reach the MAN.

ANTON (shouting up) I c-can’t reach him.

VALENTINA Try again!

PERCY Swing in!

VALENTINA Hurry up.

ANTON shoots PERCY and VALENTINA a jaundiced look and with VALENTINA’S help on her end of the rope begins to swing back and forth.

Eventually, with a big enough swing, he manages to hook his foot around the HANGING MAN who has gone limp. Dead.

With extreme difficulty and great discomfort, ANTON pulls the MAN close to him, takes a knife from his pocket and cuts the MAN’S rope.

ANTON and the MAN are now swinging back and forth together on ANTON’S rope which is threatening to cut ANTON in half.

ANTON Arghhh!!!!

VALENTINA You’ve done it! Brilliant!

ANTON Argggg!!!

PERCY Come on, don’t hang about! We’re getting soaked up here!

EXT PAVEMENT ON BLACK FRIARS’ BRIDGE A LITTLE LATER

VALENTINA, ANTON and PERCY manhandle the MAN over the parapet and onto the pavement.

DR. PARNASSUS has just stepped out onto the top of the wagon. Soaked. He’s drunk and is swaying.

DR. PARNASSUS Why are you fishing dead people out of the river? He’s dead. Leave him. Let’s go. Before the police turn up.

He goes, unsteadily, back inside.

VALENTINA and ANTON drag the MAN under the wagon, out of the rain.

The MAN is dressed in an expensive Saville Row suit. His jacket pockets are full of strange weights and arcane symbols have been scrawled on his forehead. He’s about 30 years old and very handsome.

The MAN appears to be dead but VALENTINA decides to try the kiss of life.

ANTON is made uncomfortable seeing VALENTINA administer the kiss of life and he pulls her away.

ANTON No! That won’t work. And anyway, you d-don’t know where he’s b-been. Let me…

He brings both fists down hard on the centre of the MAN’S chest.

Boing! The `dead’ MAN coughs, sits bolt upright, spits out a little metal tube and smashes his head on the underside of the wagon, knocking himself out.

The little metal tube clatters over the asphalt.

ANTON (CONT’D) He’s alive!

VALENTINA Thank God.

PERCY Well, he was.

ANTON picks up the little metal tube and examines it.

ANTON What on earth is this?

EXT BLACK FRIARS’ BRIDGE REAR OF WAGON MOMENTS LATER

VALENTINA, ANTON and PERCY drag the MAN from under the wagon and carry him to the rear.

VALENTINA Put him in the big trunk.

ANTON B-but…

VALENTINA Don’t argue.

PERCY The boss said leave him.

VALENTINA He thought he was dead.

They start to bundle the MAN in one of the travelling trunks attached to the back of the wagon. With the body hanging half in half out, ANTON suddenly stops.

ANTON I d-don’t like it. It’s none of our b-business.

VALENTINA So, what do you suggest, we leave him on the side of the road?

ANTON doesn’t want to answer that one.

PERCY (walking away) Definitely.

VALENTINA, single-handedly, hefts the MAN into the trunk and carefully places a cushion under his head. An action not missed by ANTON.

EXT DERELICT BUILDINGS DAWN

The wagon stands, hidden, among deserted derelict buildings. All is quiet.

The lid of the big travelling trunk slowly opens.

The MAN struggles out. His neck is sore, his wrists ache and his head is bruised. He hasn’t a clue where he is. He tries to make sense of the wagon, the grazing horses, the derelict buildings.

Some distance away a bizarre, horned and tailed CREATURE is involved in a strange contorted dance.

Hoping to avoid the CREATURE, the MAN starts to move away but is stopped by a squeaky voice behind him.

PERCY (V.O.) Hey, you!

The MAN turns around to find PERCY looking at him.

PERCY (CONT’D) I suppose somebody saves your life everyday of the week.

MAN (croaking) What?

He can hardly speak. It hurts him to do so.

PERCY Too much like routine to bother with a thank you.

MAN (with difficulty) Who are you?

PERCY Percival St. Antoine della Touraine et Sansepolcro da Piemonte the Third. If that proves too difficult, you may call me Percy.

MAN Where are we?

PERCY Geographically, in the Northern Hemisphere. Socially, on the margins. Narratively, with some way to go. And your name is…

MAN (appalled) I… I can’t remember.

PERCY That’s handy.

PERCY whistles to the dancing CREATURE, who turns and approaches. The MAN is getting very nervous.

PERCY (CONT’D) Any credit cards?

MAN What?..Oh..OK… you can have whatever you want.. just don’t..

PERCY …with your name on them.

MAN Ah…right.. good idea. (searching his pockets)

MAN (CONT’D) My wallet… it’s gone. Nothing. I’ve been robbed.

PERCY Don’t look at us.

CREATURE What’s your name?

PERCY (sceptical) He can’t remember.

Suddenly a mobile phone starts ringing. They all look at each other. It’s in the MAN’S pocket. But, he doesn’t move. The CREATURE takes his head off ..it’s ANTON.

ANTON Might be for you.

PERCY They’ll know who you are.

The MAN still doesn’t move. ANTON reaches over and tries to find the phone in the MAN’S pockets. The MAN tries to push him off and find the phone himself. The phone is retrieved but, in the struggle to answer it, it’s dropped.

A WOMAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN can be heard from the phone. As ANTON and the MAN dive for it, the MAN `accidently’ steps on it. The phone is crushed.

PERCY (CONT’D) Pity.. I speak Russian.

ANTON and PERCY glare with deep suspicion at the MAN.

DR. PARNASSUS (O.S.) Dammit! I told you to leave him. He was dead.

DR. PARNASSUS, holding a cold, damp towel to his throbbing head, appears, coughing and miserable from the wagon.

PERCY Well, we didn’t and he isn’t.

ANTON He was hanging under the b-bridge.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Hanging?

PERCY (handing Parnassus the noose) By his neck. Until dead. If we’d had any sense.

ANTON produces the bricks with strange markings that were in the MAN’S pockets.

ANTON We found these in his p-pockets.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS examines the bricks with great interest.

He pulls out The Hanged Man card and compares it’s arcane details – a noose, strangely marked shapes like bricks, a metal tube – to the objects found on the MAN.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS The hanged man!

VALENTINA(O.S.) Is he okay?

She appears from inside the wagon.

VALENTINA (CONT’D) (to man) Are you alright?

MAN Yes… thank you.

VALENTINA (to PARNASSUS who is in deep thought) He tried to kill himself.

ANTON With his hands t-tied behind his b- back?

They all look at one another. Good point.

PERCY Actually, I saw that trick performed many years ago at….

ANTON S-somebody was trying to k-kill him.

VALENTINA My God… that’s exciting.

ANTON We c-can’t let him stay with us.

VALENTINA Why not?

ANTON We d-don’t know what this is about, who he is, what he m-might have done…

MAN (croaking) I haven’t done anything. I’m sure. I hope. Please… Give me the benefit of the doubt.

PERCY and Anton exchange knowing looks.

VALENTINA (appealing to PARNASSUS) Father?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS, looking up from his study of the bricks and noose, takes the MAN aside, looks closely, trying to read the strange markings on his forehead.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS These marks… I recognize them.

MAN (puzzled) Marks?

The MAN wipes his hand across his forehead. Looks at his inky hand.. confused.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (sotto voce) You’ve been sent by Mr Nick.

MAN (puzzled) Mr Nick?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (impassioned) Don’t toy with me. Tell me you’re an emissary from Mr Nick.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (CONT’D) Tell me you’ve come with a proposition. Tell me what I want to hear!

TONY doesn’t know what DR PARNASSUS in talking about but he grasps the fact that if he wants to be allowed to stay here he needs to play along.

MAN Yes.

DR. PARNASSUS Thank God! Thank God! Thank God for that!

DOCTOR PARNASSUS takes PERCY aside, shows him the Hanged Man Tarot Card and indicates the MAN with a nod.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS He’s from Mr Nick.

PERCY No he’s not.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS He’s come with a proposal.

PERCY No he hasn’t.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS All is not lost.

PERCY What proposal?

VALENTINA Father?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (looking at the card, then to the MAN) You’re welcome.

MAN (croaking) Thank you.

PERCY groans and tears his hair.

VALENTINA is pleased. ANTON is not.

VALENTINA kisses PARNASSUS on the cheek.

INT DOCTOR PARNASSUS’ DEN A LITTLE LATER

The MAN precedes DOCTOR PARNASSUS in the tiny room. He looks around in amazement.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS We can talk here. Sit down, sit down.

MAN Thank you.

He does so. DOCTOR PARNASSUS sits opposite him.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (expectantly) So…

PAUSE

MAN (trying to look on top of it) I like your study.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS The message.

MAN (cautiously) The message?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS The message! What’s the message? From Mr Nick. What does he want?

MAN Ah… Well… That’s the problem…

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Problem? What problem?

MAN Unfortunately… I’ve lost my memory.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS What!?

MAN It’ll come back. I’m sure.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS You’ve lost your memory?

MAN I just… it needs time… to recover.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (incredulous) You’ve come here with a message…. A vitally important message from Mister Nick… A matter of life or death… and you can’t remember what it is!?

MAN Not at the moment. I’m sorry. It’s never happened before.

EXT SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT NIGHT

The wagon is parked in a shopping mall parking lot. The theatre is being opened up by PERCY and ANTON. There are a few late night SHOPPERS coming and going.

INT BACKSTAGE THAT MOMENT

VALENTINA, dressed as `Beauty’, is rummaging in a theatre skip, helping the MAN find something to wear for the show.

There is a slight whiff of sexual attraction in the air.

VALENTINA He says you must work… to focus your mind. You can help out front.. sell tickets. Ah, here we are… (Pulling out a full bottomed wig) Try this. You can be `Justice’.

The MAN tries on the wig and looks in a mirror.

VALENTINA tries not to laugh.

MAN (pulling a face) Exactly. A laughing stock.

VALENTINA Just like the rest of us.

MAN (pulling out a carnival mask) I think I’ll hide behind this.

VALENTINA No face. No name. The mystery thickens. I’m going to have to give you a name…

She presses a metal breast-plate to his chest.

VALENTINA (CONT’D) … until you remember who you are, I dub thee Saint George. You can save me from the dragon. George.

GEORGE Hold on!.. what dragon?

VALENTINA You’ve met Parnassus.

Mischievously, she ties a chiffon tutu around his waist.

GEORGE Now you are making fun of me.

VALENTINA giggles.

GEORGE (CONT’D) I’m sorry but, nobody laughs at me without paying the price….ah,ha.

He begins tickling her. She laughs uncontrollably, falling backwards into the costume skip..

ANTON O/S We c-can’t do it. We…

ANTON enters wearing his Mercury gear. He freezes, seeing GEORGE and VALENTINA rollicking about. They stop, look up.

VALENTINA Hi, Anton…. what?

ANTON The show. We c-can’t do it. It’s your father…

VALENTINA (alarmed) What is it? What’s happened?

INT DOCTOR PARNASSUS’ CABIN MOMENTS LATER

VALENTINA and ANTON arrive in the doorway, dismayed.

GEORGE hovers in the background.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS is attempting to get ready for the show but he’s so drunk he can hardly stand. He’s already put some article of clothing on back-to-front or inside out. PERCY is trying to help.

VALENTINA Oh no!

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Can he remember! (seeing Man in doorway) Can you remember?

GEORGE Not yet.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Bloody useless! Mr Nick sends an emissary and he can’t bloody remember! It’s a bloody disaster!

VALENTINA You can’t go on. You’re drunk.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS I am not drunk! I’m under considerable stress.

VALENTINA (to Percy You’ll have to do it.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS No! No understudy! The audience won’t tolerate an understudy! There’s only one Doctor Parnassus, and I am he!

GEORGE (interrupting) Somebody make some strong coffee.

EVERYONE looks at George.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Strong coffee? Brilliant! (sarcastically saluting George) This is why fate has brought us together. Don’t worry about remembering… It’s all the same to a man on a galloping horse!

EXT SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT THEATRE

DOCTOR PARNASSUS is on stage, floating’ on his glass pillar, apparently in a trance but,humming erratically. He is flanked by VALENTINA and ANTON who stay close to PARNASSUS in case he falls. PERCY is in his medieval costume/one-man-band outfit. They all look uneasy.

ANTON (a bit low-key) For one night only… raise your sights… encounter the majesty, the beauty, the miracle that’s in each and every one of you. Take this opportunity to expand your horizons. It’s not too late. Experience the Imaginarium of the great Doctor Parnassus.

VALENTINA peers out over the `footlights’ in the hope of catching sight of GEORGE.

VALENTINA Where’s George?

He’s nowhere in sight.

ANTON (sarcastically) P-probably remembered he had a wife or t-two back in Russia.

VALENTINA gives him a dirty look.

INT SHOPPING MALL SUPERMARKET THAT MOMENT

GEORGE, wearing his `romantic’ Venice carnival mask is smooth- talking several middle-aged LADIES on queue at the supermarket check-out.

He’s carrying the theatre’s ticket dispenser.

GEORGE Three tickets for the price of two… That’s a fantastic deal. It’s a brilliant show. Much better than sex.

Much ribald laughter from the flattered LADIES.

EXT SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT LATER

The shoppers have gone. The last car drives out of the car park leaving it empty except for the theatre wagon.

ANTON, VALENTINA and PERCY are on their own.

PARNASSUS, on his plinth, is asleep and snoring.

ANTON Thank G-God… N-not a single customer!

PERCY Let’s close up quick while the going’s good.

VALENTINA (amazed) He’s never not done a show before… Maybe he’s past it. (hopefully) Maybe it’s time to retire.

PARNASSUS groans in his sleep.

ANTON (looking out front) Oh n-no!

ANTON sees GEORGE heading towards them with a mob of MIDDLE- AGED WOMEN in tow.

Bubbling with excitement, the mob arrives.

EVELYN Oh look! How fascinating.

The other WOMEN agree.

EVELYN (CONT’D) (looking at her watch) When does the next show start?

PERCY There isn’t a next show.

EVELYN and the other WOMEN are puzzled.

PERCY (CONT’D) We’ve done all the shows we’re doing here this evening.

DEIDRE But we’ve got tickets.

GEORGE looks hopefully at VALENTINA and ANTON who don’t know what to say.

We hear a crash.

THE CAMERA PANS around. PARNASSUS has fallen off his perch and is now lying on the floor…snoring and mumbling.

VALENTINA and some of the WOMEN run forward.

SYLVIA This man’s drunk. Dead drunk.

EVELYN Disgraceful.

VALENTINA O/S (suddenly defensive of her father) He’s not drunk. He’s got a bad cold….

GEORGE But being a true professional he tried to keep going, at considerable risk to his health.

VALENTINA and GEORGE exchange a quick look. VALENTINA thinks she’s found a kindred spirit.

DEIDRE We want our money back.

GEORGE No problem…dear ladies. No problem at all. I’m so terribly sorry. I can’t apologize enough. You can have your money back or, if you like… an extra free ticket. Better yet, two extra free tickets if you buy another ticket at half price. This offer is only available today.

The WOMEN look on the verge of taking up the offer.

ANTON and PERCY exchange looks. They can’t believe GEORGE’S chutzpah.

EXT CAR PARK A LITTLE LATER

The wagon rumbles across the deserted carpark.

INT THE WAGON THAT MOMENT

A large pile of coins with quite a few notes mixed in tumble onto a table. GEORGE is emptying his pockets while VALENTINA and ANTON look on..

VALENTINA Wow! You took all that?

GEORGE I got carried away.

ANTON Lying through your t-teeth can do that to you.

VALENTINA Anton!

GEORGE (unperturbed) Most of them were coming tomorrow.

ANTON What tomorrow? We’re gone.

GEORGE (shrugs) Okay, if it makes you feel better, I’ll give it back.

ANTON (sarcastic) N-no, keep it. Thanks to you we can afford to buy Valentina a b- birthday cake.

VALENTINA (offended) That’s enough!

ANTON storms off. GEORGE looks at VALENTINA sympathetically.

GEORGE Don’t be angry with him. He’s a little bit jealous. He’s young. Insecure. I’ll make it my job to boost his confidence.

VALENTINA smiles at George with admiration and approval.

GEORGE (CONT’D) When’s your birthday?

EXT SUPERMARKET CAR PARK THAT MOMENT

As the wagon trundles out of the deserted car park a DARK FIGURE hops onto the rear platform.

INT DOCTOR PARNASSUS’ CABIN MOMENTS LATER

DOCTOR PARNASSUS is groaning and clutching his head. He has a fierce hangover. He pours some powder from a packet into a glass of water, stirs it with his finger and knocks it back. He grimaces and shudders.

A hatch/shutter on the small window behind him slides open to reveal the grinning head of MR NICK.

MR NICK You shouldn’t drink, it doesn’t agree with you.

Startled, DOCTOR PARNASSUS spins around.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS What do you want? I’ll do anything.

MR NICK (smiles) I know.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS You’re man’s lost his memory! He’s bloody hopeless!

MR NICK He’s not my man.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS What?

MR NICK Tony Shepherd. Little toe-rag. He used to run a big charity. I wouldn’t trust him. But then… you don’t trust me do you?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS For God’s sake! Tell me what you want!

MR NICK I just thought…seeing you so upset last night…that you needed a glimmer of hope…maybe a little bet?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS On Valentina?

MR NICK No?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS You bastard!

MR NICK First to five?… You might win. And save her. What do you have to lose?

DR. PARNASSUS I’ll kill you!

MR NICK (laughs) Now that would be something. By her birthday then.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS What! Impossible!..you’ve seen the business we’re doing.

MR NICK Things are going to pick up. As sure as eggs is eggs.

He closes the hatch/shutter with a bang.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Wait!

Too late. He’s gone.

EXT DERELICT BUILDINGS DAWN

Back amongst the derelict buildings the Troupe is resting and doing chores. The horses are grazing.

VALENTINA sits at a mirror fussing with various hair styles – slyly trying to catch GEORGE’s attention.

PARNASSUS, holding his aching head, sits a short distance away sadly watching her. PERCY is with him.

PERCY Five souls.. two days, eh!?

DR. PARNASSUS Shh! I’m trying to think.

PERCY I told you didn’t I?

DR. PARNASSUS What?

PERCY That he was a wrong-un.

PERCY nods his head in George’s direction.

DR. PARNASSUS Trust in providence, Percy. Remember the hanging man. The cards don’t lie.

PERCY No… but they sure as hell like being economical with the truth.

flower…he comes over to VALENTINA with it in his hand.

VALENTINA (looking away) Don’t talk to me.

ANTON P-please…I’m sorry about last night. I behaved like an idiot.

VALENTINA Yes.

ANTON suddenly plops down on his arse in a puddle of mud. Then spins, flips the flower high into the air and, rolling face down onto his stomach, catches the stem with his clenched buttocks. VALENTINA bursts out laughing.

ANTON You must admit… even idiots have their qualities.

PERCY come up behind him.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS George… We’d like to know who you really are.

GEORGE What?… Yes. Me too.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS I may be able to help.

GEORGE Really? What?… How…?

PERCY produces a small contraption with wires from behind his back and gives it to DR PARNASSUS.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Hold this piece of wire.

PERCY You won’t feel a thing.

GEORGE takes the end of the wire.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS I’m going to put the tips of my fingers on the top of your head.

He does so.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (CONT’D) I want you to relax and try as far as possible to think of nothing.

GEORGE That’s not difficult… in my condition.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS closes his eyes. He seems to be making an effort.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Hold your breath.

GEORGE does so.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (CONT’D) Very good, very good. Yes… Yes, I see… I see… Very interesting.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS takes his hand from GEORGE’S head and gives the contraption back to PERCY.

PERCY You may breathe normally.

The effort seems to have tired PARNASSUS. He needs to sit down.

GEORGE What… ?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Alas, this technique has its limitations.

GEORGE But… Did you discover anything?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (dramatically) Your name.

GEORGE My name?… What is it?

PAUSE.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS Anthony Shepherd.

TONY (stunned) My God! That’s it! You’re right! Anthony Shepherd! They call me Tony. Tony Shepherd! That’s who I am!

VALENTINA and ANTON begin to pay attention and gather around.

DOCTOR PARNASSUS And… you used to do good works. Something to do with charity I think.

TONY Yes…That’s right! That’s right! But how?…

DOCTOR PARNASSUS (dismissively) It’s an ancient technique of mental divination, but I’m very rusty and it doesn’t always work satisfactorily.

TONY But that’s amazing! Brilliant! (oddly concerned) Was there anything else?

DOCTOR PARNASSUS shakes his head, no.

TONY (CONT’D) (relieved) That’s absolutely fantastic! Thank you. Perhaps I’ll remember other things.

PARNASSUS smiles and bows slightly ironically.

VALENTINA Charity work? I knew you were a good person.

PERCY So what was he doing dangling under a bridge from his neck?

VALENTINA Percy!

PERCY (sarcastic) Oh dear, was that a rude question? Have I put my foot in it?

TONY That’s so strange. And horrible.. it’s a complete blank. But I do remember I was involved in some sort of charity.. trying to do good, to make the world a better place, you know…inspire people, give them hope…. (self deprecatingly) What an arrogant idiot.

VALENTINA looks at him thinking `what a sympathetic person.’

The sound of a flutey whistle distracts him. ANTON is blowing a tune on the metal tube he found on the bridge.

TONY (CONT’D) What’s that?

ANTON (with a superior air) Mozart’s flute concerto in G.

TONY I mean, the pipe. Where did you get it?

ANTON looks at the metal pipe.

ANTON I found it.

TONY It’s mine.

ANTON Oh. You’re a musician n-now.

TONY It’s not a musical instrument. May I have it?… Please.

ANTON (teasing) Are you s-sure it’s yours?

TONY Positive.