John
I do not mean to upset people, Alcock, but I have to speak my mind, because what is in my mind is always more interesting than what is happening in the world outside my mind.
Alcock
Makes you impossible to live with, though, do you see?
John
Did I once praise you for your blunt manner?
Alcock
It was your reason for employing me.
John
It could as easy be your grounds for dismissal. Now, get me the monkey.
Elizabeth
John. John, I would bear our marriage more easily if there were no pretence. If I were merely a housekeeper and a conduit for the noble line. But when you’re away you write so beguilingly of how you love me and. . . I do not think you mean to torture me, but it is a torture to be informed of passion from a distance and then in the flesh to be so reviled.
John
You know I always mean to be well when we are together, but after a few weeks, I find I have no gift for it. In my mind I am somewhere else.
Elizabeth
Then cut me out of your heart completely and have done.
John
Do not command me to do something beyond my power.
Elizabeth
Is the fault mine? If I were a batter wife. . . would you not need the whorehouse and the inn?
John
Every man needs the whorehouse and the inn.
Elizabeth
But it’s not the inn or a whore that I see in your eyes. It’s some other creature. The playhouse.
John
An actress.
Elizabeth
And when your eyes shone the other day, they were shining for her.
John
They were.
Elizabeth
I see I am more of an obstacle to your London life than I supposed. I’ll be gone by the morning.
Alcock
My lord.
John
How is Ophelia in this scene?
Lizzie
Well, she’s mad. She’s out of her wits.
John
There are many ways to be out of your wits.
Lizzie
Yes. There’s grief.
John
And drink.
Lizzie
And love.
John
So I hear. These different states, how would you show them?
Lizzie
Show them?
John
Their physical manifestation. Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Lizzie
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s, eye, tongue, sword, and I. . .
John
Again.
Lizzie
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s. . .
John
Again.
Lizzie
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s, eye. . .
John
Again.
Lizzie
. . . eye, tongue, sword. . .
John
Again!
Lizzie
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s. . .
John
Again.
Lizzie
What was wrong?
John
You know what was wrong. Again.
Molly
She has done this speech twenty times this afternoon.
John
And she will do it twenty more.
Molly
No-one has worked like this in the history of the theatre.
John
Exactly.
Lizzie
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s, eye, tongue, sword, and I. . . of ladies most deject and wretched. . . that sucked the honey of his music vows. O, what a noble mind is here overthrown. The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s, eye, tongue, sword, and I. . . of ladies most deject and wretched. . . that sucked the honey of his music vows. O, woe is me. To see what I have seen. O, see what I see. And there’s some fennel for you and columbine. And there’s rue for you. And here’s some for me. We may call it herb of grace o’ Sundays. O, but you must wear the rue with a difference. He is gone. He is gone. And we. . . cast away, moan. God have mercy on his soul. And of ye Christian souls. . .
George
No-one likes a clever bastard.
Lizzie
I pray God. God be wi’ ye.
Mr Harris
Well, Lizzie, my congratulations.
Lizzie
Thank you, Mr Harris.
Mr Harris
Will you take the air with me? I was thinking. . . a drink. Lord Rochester left at the curtain.
Lizzie
Then I shall take the air alone. Good night.
Driver
Go on!
Alcock
My lord.
John
Hurry!
Elizabeth
John.
John
Madam, this driveway will not do.
Elizabeth
Good afternoon, my lord. You sent no warning of your arrival.
John
The road is not functional and the grounds are a swamp.
Elizabeth
If you were here more often, you’d know that Oxfordshire is not a dry county. It is a good thing, if a novelty, that John devote himself to the house. I will not hear him reproved for it.
J’s Mother
I understood that he was devoting himself to an engagement in the theatre.
John
That would not be appropriate for a man of breeding.
J’s Mother
Anyone can drink.
John
Only a few can match my determination.
J’s Mother
We who are nobility rise above the calls of the flesh.
John
It is true. We have our strength of will, do we not?
J’s Mother
I hope we do.
John
But supposing we are perverse, and use our will to bad ends?
J’s Mother
Then we search deep inside ourselves, and we tear out the evil.
John
Tear deeper, Mother. Lizzie Barry! Lizzie Barry! Lizzie Barry! I ran away from your love and now I run towards it. Test my love in any way you see fit! Test me! I will not fail!
George
Fifteen. Get back some of the money I lost on Lizzie ‘Horse-face’ Barry.
Charles
Yes, how is that little caper going, Johnny? I hear she charges by the minute.
George
Come on, Johnny. All gentlemen together.
John
You’re not a gentleman, George. You were trained as a lawyer. And you write plays for money.
George
Oh, yes. And what about your commission from the King? Does that not count?
John
That is quite different.
George
Different? Of course. May one enquire how the great work progresses? Written the first line yet?
John
I, at least, do not plagiarise the wit of my friends and pass it off as my own.
Billy
Come on, Johnny, be fair.
John
Sit!
Billy
What was the wager?
George
The wager was fifteen guineas.
Servant
My Lord, the actress Elizabeth Barry’s outside.
Charles
She will wait.
Servant
She’s very insistent.
Charles
She is a whore and she will wait! It’s a made hand!
Lizzie
I was not good in the play this afternoon. I craved reassurance. All I could think about was you. You see, that is where there is still imbalance between us. Because you demand so much of me and so little of yourself. You took my small gift and polished it until it shone. Yet your own great gift you just throw away. There. You see? I went too far. A trait which in you is fascinating, but in me is a fault.
John
And wit was his vain, frivolous pretence, of pleasing others at his own expense. Lizzie Barry.
Lizzie
Read me some more.
King
The French, I keep coming back to the French. There they are, the envy of Europe.
John
They keep a nice class of brothel.
King
Of course. They’re a bunch of cunts. That’s not the point. I need money and they can provide it, and I won’t hide it from you, Johnny, things are bad. I can’t get money out of Louis unless I dissolve Parliament and I can’t get money out of Parliament unless I fight Louis.
John
Well, choose.
King
I need money from both of them.
John
You spoke of a big challenge.
King
Louis’s sent in a new ambassador. Cultivated type. Here’s my plan. Your great work, we stage it to welcome him to London. Big gesture of friendship. And we show we’re better than they are. A spectacle with some really profound writing. You’re the man for it. Will you do it for me? At Betterton’s next spring when the season’s finished.
John
You’re desperate.
King
What we need to celebrate is life itself.
John
Well, I’m obviously the man for that.
King
Good. I’ll send Chiffinch to talk to you about the money. Costumes, settings, something really splendid.
John
Splendid, yes. And unusual.
King
There, John. Fruit. Fruit from South America. . . growing here. Dazzles the mind. Do you see what can be done with knowledge and application?
John
I eat to swive and swive to eat again. (Muttering). Ink! Ink! Bring me ink! Not ‘drink’, lump. Ink! Alcock, did I not leave you in the country?
Alcock
I walked back, my lord.
John
Back again? Back again. Sceptres bear. Fear.
King
I’m worried. This French business couldn’t be more important. What’s he doing?
Lizzie
He’s writing. For the first time since I’ve known him.
King
But what?
Lizzie
Sublime thoughts. Philosophy in verse. I believe he is on the verge of greatness.
King
You’ve read some?
Lizzie
He shares everything with me.
King
You should wear more jewellery.
Lizzie
I cannot provide for it on my wages.
King
Does not the Earl provide?
Lizzie
The Earl is not one of life’s providers.
King
But the King is. If you want the best, you may receive it from me.
Lizzie
I shall be everything you wish me to be.
King
I wish you to be my eyes and ears on his earlship.
Lizzie
I am his lover. But I am your true subject.
King
Then you’ll serve me in this matter?
Lizzie
Yes, I will.
King
And we shall both. . . profit.
Alcock
Does the writing of the play go well, my lord?
John
Alcock, try not to be a cunt. We will do this until you get it right.
Molly
My lord, Alice Twooney has sent word. Her child is sick and she shan’t come.
John
What was to be her role?
Molly
She was playing little Clytoris.
John
Of course. Alcock! This is your moment. You will stand in for her.
Alcock
No, my lord.
John
I beg your pardon.
Alcock
I’m Alcock. Little Clytoris is beyond my range.
John
Molly.
Molly
I am not a visible person.
John
Do not cross me.
Molly
Madam, your dildos are not to compare with what I’ve seen.
Jane
Indeed, they’re paltry ware.
Molly
Short dildos leave the pleasure half undone. I’m sorry, my lord, I do have a question. Are you sure this entertainment will be fitting for both the occasion and the company?
John
Molly, the entire piece has been devised with the French in mind. In Paris, fornication in the streets with total strangers is compulsory.
Molly
Oh, beg pardon, my lord, my most southerly venture is Epsom.
Mr Harris
My lord!
John
I asked for no interruptions.
Mr Harris
My suit is one of the most utmost urgency. The stage direction at the end of this scene requires, in my opinion, some authorial exposition.
John
It seems straightforward enough.
Mr Harris
Yes, um. . . ‘Then dance six naked men and women, the men doing obedience to the women’s cunts, kissing and touching them often. The women in like manner to the men’s pricks, kissing and dandling their cods, and then fall to fucking, after which the women sigh and the men look simple, and so sneak off.’ The end of the second act.
John
A strong scene. An eminently playable scene, and, though I say it myself, a climactic one.
Mr Harris
And will the kind of equipment that young lady has in her hand be available to gentlemen for. . . strapping around the middle for the execution of this scene?
John
I had not envisaged you to be so encumbered. I feel the scene should be given. . . in the flesh.
Mr Harris
And will we give. . . two performances on the day?
John
No, Mr Harris.
Mr Harris
Oh, I am glad to hear that from the author.
John
With the dress rehearsal, the court performance and the public showing, I envisage three.
Mr Harris
Right. I don’t know if you’ve met my regular understudy, Mr Lightman. He’s a most dependable fellow.
John
Sir, you have the honour of playing my understudy.
Mr Harris
Well, I shall take this opportunity to withdraw from the engagement.
John
You are one of life’s understudies!
Charles
If tonight goes wrong, we’ll be at war within a week.
George
Have faith.
Billy
Whatever else may go wrong, your words will command admiration.
John
They always do. Lizzie, you’re looking pale. Molly, work the magic of your art on Mrs Barry.
George
There’s the French ambassador. No. Makes me weepy.
Singer
All you ladies of Merrie England who have been to kiss the Duchess’s hand Pray did you lately observe in the show A noble Italian called Signor Dildo?
Charles
I weep, but from a different end.
Singer
Who helped to conduct her over the Main But now she cries out, ‘To the Duke I will go’. ‘I have no more need for Signor Dildo’. The good lady Southesk broke into a laugh. . .
Ambassador
Very good, this Italian workmanship. People pay more for quality.
Singer
The frops were undone, did their graces but know The discretion and vigour of Signor Dildo. . .
Ambassador
I’d like to meet the man who wrote this.
Singer
Then away with these nasty devices and show How you rate the just merits of Signor Dildo Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo.
John
Thus in the zenith of my lust I reign. I eat to swive and swive to eat again. Let other monarchs, who their sceptres bear to keep their subjects less in love and fear, be slaves to crowns. My nation shall be free. My pintle only shall me sceptre be. My laws shall act more pleasure than command, and with my prick, I’ll govern all the land.
George
Chas, tell me this ain’t happening.
Charles
His prick out any second. I can feel it in my water.
Ambassador
It’s very amusing, because in France he would be executed for this.
John
The King commands all men from humid cunt to humane arsonist. Buggery we choose and buggery we’ll allow. I do proclaim the manly arse so firm shall be the sole recipient of sperm!
King
Lord Rochester, this portrayal of yours. . . would it be based on a particular monarch?
John
No, Your Highness. My character is far too fantastic a creation ever to have drawn breath. Now resume your seat. You’re intruding on my stage.
King
No, you’re intruding on mine. I hand you a chance to show your shining talent and what do you give me in return? A pornographic representation of a royal court where the men deal only in buggery and the women’s sole object of interest is the dildo!
John
A monument to your reign.
Billy
Johnny!
King
Disappear? People don’t disappear. Monsieur Barrillon.
Ambassador
Your majesty, it is with regret that I must make my return to France tout de suite.
George
I hate racing. The sport of Kings? The sport of peasants!
Charles
Come on, Georgie. You like it when you win.
