BILL
Boy, it’s just wonderful, Ed. My god, you, you
have the whole family in there, don’t you?
KEVIN
Edward, come here.
(Kevin cleans Edward’s
scissorhands with water.)
BILL
No, no, no. That’s a terrible idea, son. Go to
the garage and get the oil can. We don’t want
him rusting up on this now, do we?
PEG
Edward, you did us? Oh, Bill. It’s us.
BILL
Yes, it is.
PEG
Oh, Edward.
(Esmeralda comes near.)
ESMERALDA
It’s not heaven he’s from. It’s straight from
the stinking flames of hell. The power of satan
is in him. I can feel it. God, you have the
poor sheep strayed so far from the path.
EDWARD
We are not sheep.
ESMERALDA
Don’t come near me.
BILL
That’s right. Go on. Get out of here. Run!
PEG
Edward, don’t you listen to her.
BILL
Don’t worry about her, Edward. She’s just an
old lonely loony. That’s all.
(Women knock on the door.)
WOMEN
Hi!
JOYCE
You are all hiding in there like a bunch of old
hermit crabs.
PEG
Hi, Joyce. Hi!
JOYCE
Shame on you, keeping your unusual guest all to
yourself. We think that’s mighty selfish of
you.
PEG
No, it, it’s… things have just been a little
hectic around here. That’s all.
JOYCE
Oh, that was so sweet of you to want to correct
the situation. What time does the barbecue
begin?
PEG
Barbecue?
JOYCE
Well, you intend to show your guest hospitality
by introducing him to your friends, don’t you?
ANOTHER WOMAN
I’ll bring coleslaw.
JOYCE
And I will bring the ambrosia salad. What time
was it that you said?
PEG
What time? Ah… bill.
JOYCE
About five?
ESMERALDA
He has been sent first to tempt you. But it’s
not too late. You must push him from you. Expel
him. Trample down the perversion of nature.
JOYCE
Did you hear that? He’s the perversion of
nature. Wow, isn’t that exciting? See you
later. Bye bye.
PEG
I’ve always said that you really can’t have a
picnic or a barbecue without deviled eggs.
They’re just the best. They make the thing. Oh,
dear. Edward. That’s wonderful. I didn’t know
you chopped all those things. What a really
big…
(Peg notices a cut on his face.)
Oh, all right now. It’s just a nick. There’s no
need to be nervous, dear. You know, Esmeralda
won’t be here and the rest of neighbors there
are really very nice. There’s no need to be
nervous. They are so eager to meet you. You
just have to be yourself.
EDWARD
Myself?
PEG
That’s right. Just your own sweet self.
KEVIN
Hey, play scissors, paper, stone with us.
EDWARD
Play scissors what?
NEIGHBOR
I got a doctor friend might be able to help
you. Aren’t they most incredible?
PEG
He did them just like that.
TINKA
This afternoon?
AT THE PARTY
Hi, Mike. How are you doing? Hello, Jack. Hey,
kid. Hey, Hi. George Morroe! Whoa! That’s a
heck of handshake. Uh, Harry! Harry! I saw you
on the golf course. You got a dozen of the
melons…
PEG
(to Edward)
Are you ok? Do you want something to eat? Are
you hungry? Do you want a cracker?
MARGIE
He’s so… different completely different, No
kidding mysterious.
JOYCE
Do you imagine those hands are hot or cold?
Just think what a single snip could do.
HELEN
Or undo.
GEORGE
(to Edward)
Eddie. The guys and I were talking, we’d like
want to invite you to our card game on Friday
night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you
can’t cut.
AN OLD MAN
I have my own infirmity. Never did me a bit of
harm. Took some shrapnel during the war and
ever since then I can’t feel a thing. Not a
damn thing. Listen Don’t you ever let anybody
tell you you have a handicap.
JOYCE
Who’s handicapped? My goodness! Don’t be
ridiculous. You’re not handicapped. You’re…
What do they call that? Exceptional. My name’s
Joyce. And I noticed that you have not tasted
any of the ambrosia salad that I made
especially for you. Allow me.
(Joyce helps Edward to eat.)
WOMAN 1
You must try this.
(Many women flock to him)
MARGE
(to Edward)
You must try this. It’s my mother’s recipe.
Let him chew, for heaven sakes with your green
thumb. I could use your help.
HOUSEWIFE
Me, too. There you go.
WOMAN 2
I want a row of angels.
JOYCE
Sorry, ladies. But he’s promised to come to my
house first.
WOMAN 3
One more.
JOYCE
Haven’t you, Eddie?
EDWARD
I did?
BILL
Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup’s on.
EDWARD
I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL
What?
EDWARD
I thought it was shish kebab.
BILL
Yeah, it, it is shish kebab. It was a figure of
speech, Ed. You got to learn not to take things
so literally.
(On hearing that, Edward looks
back the time the inventor taught
him the etiquette.)
INVENTOR
Let us pretend we’re in the drawing room, and
the hostess is serving tea “Now, many numerous
little questions confront us” “Should the man
rise” “When he accepts his cup of tea?” “May
lump sugar be taken with the things?”
EDWARD
Hmm, no.
INVENTOR
Is it good form to accept a second cup? “Now,
should the napkin be entirely unfolded.” Oh
should the center crease. Be allowed to remain?
It is so easy to commit embarrassing
blunders. “But etiquette humiliation and
discomfort. Mmm yes, boring. Let us switch to,
Um… To some poetry, Hmm?” “There was an old
man from the cape.” “Who made himself there,
but they keep such a beautiful shape.” That’s
right. Go ahead, smile. It’s funny. That’s
right.
DENNY
Okay, guys, we’re home. shh.
KIM
I can’t believe. Everything’s still sopping.
TEENAGE GIRL
I can’t wait to take a shower.
SUZANNE
And wash off the mildew.
JIM
If my parents set the alarm, I’m screwed I’ll
sleep in the yard… again.
KIM
I told you to call to say we’re coming back
early.
DENNY
Did you?
SUZANNE
He’d rather complain.
JIM
How else can I be the center of the attention?
You didn’t call your parents.
KIM
They don’t run their house like a police
station. Bye. Thanks for driving, Denny. See
you later.
JIM
See you later. Bye.
KIM
Don’t forget your arm.
JIM
Oh, yeah.
DENNY
Come on, Jim let’s go.
KIM
Bill! There’s somebody in my room. Go. Look. A
murderer with an axe. He did try to even kill
me.
BILL
It’s all right. It’s all right.
( to Kevin)
Go back to bed. It’s only Edward.
(to Edward)
This way.
PEG
Honey, that was Edward.
KIM
Who is he? What are you talking about?
PEG
Edward’s come to live with us. There’s nothing
to be upset about. No, no. It’s okay.
BILL
We’ll have you a setup here in a minute. Up
with your feet. A queen-size bed here. How do
you like that? It’s all made up and everything.
There you go. What’s the matter? What’s wrong?
She gets you nervous? You’ve been closed up in
a way in that castle too long. You don’t know
anything about the wonderful world of teen-age
girls. They’re all crazy. Here some. Straighten
that out.
EDWARD
What is it?
BILL
Lemonade. I don’t know what it is. They reach a
certain age. They develop these gland things.
Their bodies swell up. They go crazy.
EDWARD
Glands?
BILL
yeah, glands. I try not to think about it
(Edward drinks lemonade.)
Good. Isn’t it?
(Peg calms down Kim.)
PEG
Now you stay in Kevin’s room tonight. Tomorrow
we’ll fix your room right.
KIM
Mom, why did you have to bring him in here?
PEG
Oh, honey, I couldn’t have left him there all
alone. You would have done the same thing.
KIM
Why does he have to stay here?
PEG
Oh, my goodness, Kim. I’m surprised at you. He
can’t help the way he is. Have a little
sympathy.
KIM
I do have a little sympathy.
PEG
Then let’s just say hello and later you can
come downstairs and shake his hand.
KIM
Shake his hand?
PEG
Well, not literally. Goodness, you scared him
half to death.
KIM
I scared him to death?
PEG
Hi, Bill. I just wanted you two to have a
proper introduction. Edward, this is our
daughter Kim. Kim, this is Edward who’s going
to live with us.
KIM
Hi!
(Edward falls on the floor.)
JOYCE
(to Edward)
Eddie. Thirsty?
(to Kisses)
Kisses, Hush up. Quiet now. I can hardly hear
myself think. Momma’s precious little baby
girl.
(to Edward)
Wouldn’t you like a nice cool glass of
lemonade?
EDWARD
Lemonade?
(Vomits)
(Bell rings)
KEVIN
One chop to guy’s neck. And it’s all over.
They’re the sharpest things in the world. They
can hack through anything. And…
KIM
I think they look weird. They give me the
creeps.
A GIRL
You should see the clown in front of Ms.
Peter’s yard.
EDWARD
Kim!
KIM
Oh, no!
A GIRL
That’s him?
JIM
He’s calling you, Kim.
KIM
Stop it.
A WOMAN
Edward, you forgot your cookies.
JIM
Don’t worry, Eddie. She’s waiting for you.
A GIRL
Let’s go.
PEG
Bill, you know what Edward told me? He had
lunch at Jackie’s today.
BILL
Really?
PEG
She’s just had her kitchen completely redone.
BILL
I’ll be darned.
PEG
New paint, new cabinets, new floors, new
microwave, new Sonnet dishwasher.
BILL
Yeah, isn’t that wonderful?
PEG
Isn’t that something? Jim, didn’t you tell me
your mom had her kitchen done too?
JIM
Yeah, my dad bought himself a bunch of new
toys. Big screen TV, CD players, VCR with four
heads.
PEG
My goodness sake! I wonder what it’s like to be
that rich.
JIM
No, they keep things pretty much locked up. My
father has his own room for his stuff to make
sure I can’t get and use it. He’s so cheap he
won’t help me buy my own car.
BILL
Well, he probably wants you to pay for it
yourself. I agree with him. It builds
character. You’ll appreciate it more. Speaking
of money, I understand you are not charging for
gardening, Edward?
PEG
Now, Bill. Margie made him cookies today.
BILL
Sweetheart, you can’t buy the necessities of
life with cookies. You can’t buy car with
cookies. Am I right, Jim?
JIM
Ah, that’s true, sir. You can’t.
(Edward gives a piece of meat to
Kim’s friend.)
A GIRL
I can’t eat that. He used his hands. I don’t
think it’s sanitary.
(Edward passes the piece to Kim
but drops it in her lap by
mistake.)
EDWARD
I’m sorry.
PEG
Honey, you want me to help you clean that up?
KIM
No, that’s okay. I’ll be right back.
(Edward begins styling women’s
hair and becomes famous.)
HOUSEWIFE
This can’t possibly be my Alexis.
(to Edward)
She looks so beautiful. Look at you. She’s
gorgeous. Thank you.
PEG
It won’t be long. She has just to decide on the
style, and then it will be fine. She just has
to decide what style she wants.
JOYCE
I was hoping for something big and bouffant.
Kind of like mine. Don’t you worry , Kisses.
You’ll be so pretty. Eddie, is there anything
you can’t do? You take my breath away. I swear.
Look at this. Have you ever cut a woman’s hair?
Would you cut mine? That was the single most
thrilling experience of my whole life.
PEG
We’re getting the head of the company.
KIM
I’m home.
PEG
Hi, honey. We’re in here.
KIM
Hi! What did you do to your hair?
PEG
Edward cut it. Isn’t it wild?
(on telephone)
