JOHNNY-DEPP.org

Charlie

Just do it quick, like a band-aid.

Man 1

Did you see that some kid in Russia found the last golden ticket?

Man 2

Yes, it was in the paper this morning.

Man 1

Good boy. Come on George. Good boy.

Charlie

One Wonka Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, please.

Shopkeeper

Okay. Here.

Woman 1

The nerve of some people.

Shopkeeper

I know. Forging a ticket. Come on. It’s a golden ticket. You found Wonka’s last golden ticket. In my shop too!

Man

Listen. I’ll buy it from you. I’ll give you fifty dollars, and a new bicycle.

Woman 2

Are you crazy? I’d give him five-hundred dollars for that ticket. You wanna sell me your ticket for five-hundred dollars, young man?

Shopkeeper

That’s enough of that. Leave the kid alone. Listen, don’t let anyone have it. Take it straight home. You understand?

Charlie

Thank you. Mom! Dad! I found it! The last golden ticket! It’s mine!

Grandpa Joe

Yippee! Here. Read it aloud. Let’s hear exactly what it says.

Mr Bucket

‘Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket, from Mr Willy Wonka. I shake you warmly by the hand. For now, I do invite you to come
to my factory and be my guest for one whole day.’

Violet

‘I, Willy Wonka, will conduct you around the factory myself, showing you everything there is to see.’

Augustus

‘Afterwards, when it is time to leave, you will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks, each filled with all the chocolate you could ever
eat.’

Veruca

‘And remember, one of you lucky five children will receive an extra prize beyond your wildest imagination. Now, here are your instructions.’

Mike

‘On the first of February, you must come to the factory gates at ten a.m. sharp. You’re allowed to bring one member of your family to look after you.
Until then, Willy Wonka.’

Mrs Bucket

The first of February. But that’s tomorrow.

Grandpa Joe

Then there’s not a moment to lose. Wash your face, comb your hair, scrub your hands, brush your teeth, blow your nose.

Grandpa George

And get that mud off your pants.

Mrs Bucket

Now we must all try and keep very calm. First thing that we have to decide is this: Who is going, with Charlie, to the factory?

Grandpa Joe

I will. I’ll take him. You leave it to me.

Mrs Bucket

How about you, dear? Don’t you think you ought to go?

Mr Bucket

Well, Grandpa Joe seems to know more about it than we do. . . Provided, of course, he feels well enough.

Grandpa Joe

Yippee!

Charlie

No. We’re not going. A woman offered me five-hundred dollars for the ticket. I bet someone else would pay more. We need the money more
than we need the chocolate.

Grandpa George

Young man, come here. There’s plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there’s only five of them in the whole
world, and that’s all there’s ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?

Charlie

No, sir.

Grandpa George

Then get that mud off your pants. You’ve got a factory to go to.

Veruca

Daddy, I want to go in.

Mr Salt

It’s nine-fifty-nine, sweetheart.

Veruca

Make time go faster.

Charlie

Do you think Mr Wonka will recognise you?

Grandpa Joe

Hard to say. It’s been years.

Mrs Beauregarde

Eyes on the prize, Violet. Eyes on the prize.

Willy Wonka (voice)

Please enter. Come forward. Close the gates. Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble factory. And who am I?
Well. . .

Puppet Song

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, The amazing chocolatier. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, Everybody give a cheer! Hooray! He’s modest, clever and so smart,
He barely can restrain it. With so much generosity, there is no way to contain it! To contain it! To contain, to contain, to contain! Hooray!
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, He’s the one that you’re about to meet. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, He’s the genius who just can’t be beat.
The magician and the chocolate whiz. The best darn guy who ever lived. Willy Wonka, here he is! The amazing chocolatier.

Willy Wonka

Wasn’t that just magnificent? I was worried it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but then that finale. . . Wow!

Violet

Who are you?

Grandpa Joe

He’s Willy Wonka.

Charlie

Really?

Willy Wonka

Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello. Dear guests, greetings. Welcome to the factory. I shake you warmly by the hand.
My name is Willy Wonka.

Veruca

Then shouldn’t you be up there?

Willy Wonka

Well, I couldn’t very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?

Grandpa Joe

Mr Wonka, I don’t know if you’ll remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.

Willy Wonka

Were you one of those despicable spies who every day tried to steal my life’s work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat, candy making cads?

Grandpa Joe

No, sir.

Willy Wonka

Then wonderful. Welcome back. Let’s get a move on, kids.

Augustus

Don’t you want to know our names?

Willy Wonka

Can’t imagine how it would matter. Come quickly. For too much to see. Just drop your coats anywhere.

Mr Teavee

Mr Wonka? Sure is toasty in here.

Willy Wonka

What? Oh, yeah. I have to keep it warm in here, because my workers are used to an extremely hot climate. They just can’t stand the cold.

Charlie

Who are the workers?

Willy Wonka

All in good time. Now. . .

Violet

Mr Wonka, I’m Violet Beauregarde.

Willy Wonka

Oh? I don’t care.

Violet

Well, you should care. Because I’m the girl that’s gonna win the special prize at the end.

Willy Wonka

Well, you do seem confident, and confidence is key.

Veruca

I’m Veruca Salt. It’s very nice to meet you, sir.

Willy Wonka

I always thought that a veruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot. Ha!

Augustus

I’m Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate.

Willy Wonka

I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common. You. . . you’re Mike Teavee. You’re the little devil who cracked the system.
And you. Well, you’re just lucky to be here, aren’t you? And the rest of you must be their. . .

Mr Salt

Parents.

Willy Wonka

Yeah. Moms and dads. Dad? Papa? Okay, then. Let’s move along.

Augustus

Would you like some chocolate?

Charlie

Sure.

Augustus

Then you should have brought some.

Veruca

Let’s be friends.

Violet

Best friends.

Willy Wonka

An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory.

Mike

Then why is the door so small?

Willy Wonka

That’s to keep all the great big chocolaty flavour inside. Now, do be careful, me dear children. Don’t lose your heads. Don’t get overexcited.
Just keep very calm.

Charlie

It’s beautiful.

Willy Wonka

What? Oh, yeah, it’s very beautiful. Every drop of the river, is hot, melted chocolate of the finest quality. The waterfall is most important.
Mixes the chocolate. Churns it up. Makes it light and frothy. By the way… no other factory in the world, mixes it’s chocolate by waterfall, my dear
children. And you can take that to the bank. People. Those pipes… suck up the chocolate, and carry it away, all over the factory. Thousands of
gallons an hour. Yeah. And do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass. Please have a blade. Please do. It’s so delectable and so darn good-looking.

Charlie

You can eat the grass?

Willy Wonka

Of course you can. Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is, in fact
frowned upon in most societies. Yeah. Enjoy. Go on. Scoot, scoot.

Mr Teavee

Son. Please.

Mike

Dad, he said, ‘enjoy’.

Charlie

Why hold onto it? Why not just start a new piece?

Violet

Because then I wouldn’t be a champion. I’d be a loser, like you.

Veruca

Daddy, look over there. What is it? It’s a little person. Over there, by the waterfall.

Mrs Beauregarde

There’s two of them.

Mr Teavee

There’s more than two.

Mrs Gloop

Where do they come from?

Charlie

Who are they?

Mike

Are they real people?

Willy Wonka

Of course they’re real people. They’re Oompa-Loompas.

Mr Salt

Oompa-Loompas?

Willy Wonka

Imported, direct from Loompaland.

Mr Teavee

There’s no such place.

Willy Wonka

What?

Mr Teavee

Mr Wonka, I teach high-school geography, and I’m here to tell you…

Willy Wonka

Well, then you’ll know all about it, and, oh, what a terrible country it is. The whole place is nothing but think jungles infested by the most
dangerous beasts in the entire world. Hornswogglers and snozzwangers and those terrible, wicked whangdoodles. I went to Loompaland looking for
exotic new flavours for candy. Instead, I found the Oompa-Loompas. They lived in tree houses to escape from the fierce creatures who lived below.
The Oompa-Loompas ate nothing but green caterpillars, which tasted revolting. The Oompa-Loompas kept looking for other things to mash up with the
caterpillars to make them taste better. Red beetles, the bark of the bong-bong tree. All of them beastly, but not quite so beastly as the caterpillars.
But the food they longed for the most was the cocoa bean. An Oompa-Loompa was lucky if he found three or four cocoa beans a year. But, oh, how they
craved them. All they’d ever think about was cocoa beans. The cocoa bean happens to be the thing from which chocolate is made, so I told the chief…
(Uses sign language to say, ‘Come live in my factory. You can have all the cocoa beans you want! I will even pay your wages in cocoa beans
if you wish!’) They are such wonderful workers. I feel I must warn you, though, they are rather mischievous. Always making jokes.

Mrs Gloop

Augustus, my child, that is not a good thing you do!

Willy Wonka

Hey, little boy. My chocolate must be untouched by human hands.

Mrs Gloop

He’ll drown! He can’t swim! Save him! Augustus! No! Augustus! Augustus! Watch out!

Violet

There he goes.

Mrs Gloop

Call the fire brigade!

Mrs Beauregarde

It’s a wonder how that pipe is big enough.

Charlie

It isn’t big enough. He’s slowing down.

Mike

He’s gonna stick.

Mr Teavee

I think he has.

Mr Salt

He’s blocked the whole pipe.

Charlie

Look. The Oompa-Loompas.

Veruca

What are they doing?

Willy Wonka

Why, I believe they’re going to treat us to a little song. It is quite a special occasion of course. They haven’t had a fresh audience in many a moon.

Oompa-Loompas Sing

Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, The great big, greedy nincompoop, Augustus Gloop, so big and vile, So greedy, foul and infantile, ‘Come on!’ we cried
‘the time is ripe, To sent him shooting up the pipe!’ But don’t, dear children, be alarmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not
be harmed. Although, of course, we must admit, He will be altered quite a bit, Slowly wheels go round and round, And cogs begin to grind and pound,
This greedy brute, this louse’s ear, Is loved by people everywhere, For who could hate or bear a grudge, Against a luscious bit if fudge?

Willy Wonka

Bravo! Well done! Aren’t they delightful? Aren’t they charming?

Mr Salt

I do say, that all seemed rather rehearsed.

Mike

Like they knew it was gonna happen.

Willy Wonka

Oh, poppycock.

Mrs Gloop

Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?

Willy Wonka

That pipe, it just so happens to lead directly to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry flavoured, chocolate-coated fudge.

Mrs Gloop

Then he will be made into strawberry flavoured, chocolate-coated fudge. They’ll be selling him by the pound all over the world?

Willy Wonka

No. I wouldn’t allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured, chocolate coated Gloop? Ooh. No-one would buy it.
I want you to take Mrs Gloop up to the fudge room, okay? Help her find her son. Take a long stick and start poking around in the big chocolate-mixing
barrel, okay?

Charlie

Mr Wonka?

Willy Wonka

Huh?

Charlie

Why would Augustus’ name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song, unless. . .?

Willy Wonka

Improvisation is a parlour trick. Anyone can do it. You, little girl. Say something. Anything.

Violet

Chewing gum.

Willy Wonka

Chewing gum is really gross, Chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.

Mike

No, it isn’t.

Willy Wonka

Er, you really shouldn’t mumble. Because I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, on with the tour.

Charlie

Are the Oompa-Loompas really joking?

Grandpa Joe

Of course they’re joking. That boy will be fine.

Violet

What’s so funny?

Willy Wonka

I think it’s from all those doggone cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the
release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.

Mrs Beauregarde

You don’t say.

Willy Wonka

All aboard. Onward! Here. Try some of this. It’ll do you good. You look starved to death.