Thomas
Yeah, all right, I spoke to some of the guys on the staff, Benny. Nobody wants to be a housekeeper. I will keep trying, but I got to tell you, honestly, I don’t think so.
Benny
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye. Okay, Stevie. I mean, I can’t even keep a goldfish alive. What chance do I have with Joon? If something bad happened to her I’d. . . I’d never ever be able to forgive myself.
Eric
A group home is the right thing for her, Benny.
Benny
Yeah, this is definitely for her own good.
Eric
Hey, it’s for both your own good. How much longer can you do this to yourself? You’re life is literally passing you by.
Benny
You’re right. You’re right. What am I doing with myself? I spend my life working on cars and taking care of my sister. I can’t even have a relationship without having to worry how Joon is gonna fit in.
Eric
You know, once she gets settled in, you could actually take a vacation. Travel a little. I can hold down the fort, no problem.
Benny
Travel? Travel?
Eric
Benny, there’s a whole world out there, man. I mean, picture yourself on the open road, wind in the hair in the El Camino. Highway stretching out b. . . what’s that? Up ahead? A lovely motorist. Stranded. Carburetor trouble. Better investigate.
Benny
Yeah, right, I’m going to be stopping at a pay phone every fifteen minutes to call Joon to see how she’s doing.
Mike
Okay, let’s see, Black Sabbath over there.
Thomas
You got that flash light?
Mike
It’s not a flash light. It turns out it’s a brush kind of thing. Here’s a hat, Benny.
Thomas
Where’s the batteries?
Mike
You, you didn’t win any batteries. What are you talking about? Who gets the ice nudies?
Thomas
Those are mine.
Mike
Okay. Hey guys, come on, hurry it up, huh. Or we’ll start without you.
Joon
I’ve been known to play a little cards.
Mike
Box of thirty-ought-six cartridges.
Joon
Medium sized green haired troll.
Thomas
Soap on a rope, slightly used. Cards?
Mike
Three.
Thomas
Cards?
Joon
Two.
Thomas
And the dealer takes. . . three.
Mike
Pass.
Joon
Re-grout my shower. Blue grout.
Thomas
I fold.
Mike
Shampoo my dog. Lava lamp.
Joon
Scrape and paint the exterior of my house.
Thomas
Hey, hey, come on slow it down you guys, okay. This is supposed to be reasonable stakes.
Joon
That’s a see and a raise, you follow me?
Mike
You take my cousin off my hands.
Thomas
Wait, wait, wait. Just stop. All right. Benny’s gonna strangle you guys.
Joon
Chill out, Thomas.
Benny
Joon, we’ve gotta go.
Mike
A flush. Full house. Yes, yes! Oh Benny, tonight’s your lucky night.
Thomas
Mike warned it was for keeps, Benny.
Benny
What? What was for keeps?
Joon
I lost.
Benny
What’s in the pot?
Joon
A cousin.
Mike
Hey man, rules are rules, without then there’s no order in the universe.
Benny
Oh don’t you give me that crap. You took advantage.
Joon
Of your sick sister. A heart flush is a perfectly respectable hand.
Mike
Not respectable enough.
Benny
Hey, shut up Mike. I am not taking this guy home.
Mike
You have to man. Remember the bet I lost last year? When I had to re-plate your socket set. I didn’t back out, did I?
Benny
You can’t bet a human being.
Mike
Oh, well, if you’re going to be a baby about it.
Benny
All right Mike. You want to play like that? I’ll take him. I may not be responsible for what I’m going to do to him, but I’ll take him.
Mike
Oh man. What are you doing you stupid jerk?
Sam
Oh, there’s something wrong with your car.
Mike
What did you do with my hub caps?
Sam
I don’t know. I’m Sam.
Benny
So I hear. I’m Benny.
Sam
With an N?
Benny
Yeah. Two of ’em. This is Joon.
Sam
With an N?
Joon
One. You’re out of your tree.
Sam
It’s not my tree.
Benny
I think I need a beer.
Mike
Hey, Benny, wait a minute! Where you going? Come here man, give me a jump. Hey! You’re going with them.
Benny
Oh! God bless you.
Ruthie
Hey pal, we’re trying to work here, if you don’t mind.
Sam
Oh my God! I’ve just been looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him? He’s a cute guy with a little mole on his right cheek.
Man
Hey, Ruthie, one of your ghosts come back to haunt you?
Sam
Oh! Oh Brad! Oh Brad! Brad, please don’t be dead. I never got a chance to tell you what you meant to me. Oh Brad, please! It’s you, you’re you, Ruthie Mallenak. Co-star of The Prom Queen Mutilator with Dick Beebe.
Ruthie
You saw that?
Sam
He was mine! He was mine! No Cindy, you’re sick. Cindy you need help! No, Cindy! No! No! No! No!
Joon
No. Don’t. . . don’t touch it.
Sam
It’s paint.
Joon
Yes.
Sam
Kirk Douglas. Van Gough. Ear.
Benny
These are yours. You can sleep here, all right? Come on it’s late. Let’s brush your teeth and hair.
Joon
I can brush my own teeth Benjamin.
Benny
Fine.
Joon
Hair too.
Benny
Perfect. Come on.
Sam
Oh. Oh, Benny. Hey Benny. Thanks for the couch. Erm, Mike made me sleep under the sink.
Benny
Oh. You’re welcome. Good night.
Sam
Good night. Mentally ill. Really?
Benny
Yeah. But I mean, don’t worry about it. But just, er, let her go about her routine, you know. Her routine is everything to her. Oh, and don’t hang around her room while she’s painting. She hates that.
Sam
No.
Benny
She runs hot and cold on you, just ignore it. That’s just the way it works. Oh, listen, erm, she starts talking to herself, don’t worry about it, but don’t answer.
Sam
Okay.
Benny
She sometimes hears voices in her head. That comes with the territory too. And, erm, just make sure that nothing, and I mean nothing, happens to her.
Sam
Okay.
Benny
Okay. All right.
Joon
Having a Boo Radley moment are we?
Benny
Good morning.
Eric
Hey.
Benny
This today?
Eric
Yeah. So, erm. . . So what did you do with the cousin? The bus station? The river? What? You throw him in the river?
Benny
No, I took him home.
Eric
You took him home?
Benny
Yeah.
Eric
To your house?
Benny
Yeah, to my house.
Eric
What are you, crazy?
Benny
Hey, believe me, it’s only temporary.
Eric
Great. Hey, maybe he can tell Joon about the group home.
Benny
Listen, if I’m going to do this group home thing, I got to figure out the best way to tell her, you know what I mean? Where’s Waldo? Is he not here yet?
Eric
No.
Benny
All right, that’s it. I’m going to have a talk with him.
Eric
No, you’re not.
Benny
Yes I am. I’m calling him right now. What’s his phone number?
Eric
Five, five, five, zero, nine, four, four.
Joon
Aah! Too loud! Too loud!
Sam
Aah, what? What? Oh!
Benny
Hey. Where’s Sam?
Joon
I didn’t mean to kick him out. I mean I didn’t kick him out, he just, he just left.
Benny
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What happened? Did something happen?
Joon
He just, he just left. He was, he was, in the air and, and, and with a thing and, it was really loud. It was really loud. And all, I, I just kept seeing. . . He didn’t mean to do it.
Benny
Do it? What? What, did he, what did he do?
Joon
He cleaned the house.
Benny
And you kicked him out for that?
Joon
Maybe I should invite him back in.
Benny
Yeah. Before someone sticks a stamp on his head and mails him to Guam.
Joon
Some cultures, are defined by their relationship to cheese.
Benny
Is that a fact?
Joon
He can really cook, can’t he?
Benny
Uh-uh, yeah. Although, for grilled cheese, I might’ve used the wool setting.
Joon
That’s what I told him.
Benny
Really? What, what did he use?
Joon
Rayon. Silk would have been too soggy. Cotton would’ve. . .
Benny
Would’ve burned it.
Joon
Right. Fortunately he consulted me before giving it steam. I was four square against it. I wish he could be me new Smail.
Benny & Joon (singing)
The melodious songs of the blessed, And our spirits shall sorrow no more, Not a sigh for the blessing of rest, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore.
Benny
Good night.
Joon
Good night. You need some help? Dear Mom, I’ve departed Mikes with love and gratitude, and am now living with Benny and Joon Pearl, two magnificently devoted new friends. Benny’s pre-disposition to hyper-tense Irish monologists notwithstanding, he has given me a job as a domestic engineer and seems pleased with my performance so far. Love, Sam.
Sam
Wow, I didn’t know I could talk like that. Tapioca?
Joon
Oh. Yeah.
Ruthie
Okay.
Sam
Thank you Ruthie.
Ruthie
You’re welcome Sam. Let me know if you need anything, okay?
Sam
You don’t like raisins?
Joon
Not really.
Sam
Why?
Joon
They used to be. . . fat and juicy. And now they’re twisted, like they had their life stolen. Oh, they taste sweet, but really they re just humiliated grapes. I can’t say I’m a big supporter of the raisin council.
Sam
Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The one’s that sing and dance and stuff.
Joon
They, scare me.
Sam
Yeah, me too.
Joon
It’s sick, the commercial people, they make them sing and dance so people will eat them.
Sam
It’s a shame about raisins.
Joon
Cannibals.
Sam
Yeah. Do you like avocadoes?
Joon
They’re a fruit, you know.
Sam
Ruthie, do you got any avocadoes?
Benny
Joon?
Joon
You’re very pretty when you’re off work Ruthie.
Ruthie
Thank you. Maybe I should quit my job, huh?
Benny
Where the hell have you two been?
Ruthie
Oh don’t worry, they were with me. We were just running some errands.
Benny
Oh, hi. How you doing?
Ruthie
Hi.
Benny
Running errands? You ran an errand?
Joon
Yes I did, I ran an errand.
Benny
Oh look.
Joon
They’re both named Steven. One with a V and one with a PH.
Sam
Look, look, look! Ruthie’s movie.
Joon
Yes. And she’s staying for dinner too.
