Man 1
. . .bullshit because there is no such animal. You know what we are? We are a nation of two-hundred and forty special interest groups and that is it.
Barman
Er, sir, you haven’t paid for that.
Gene
It’s on that special interest right there, at the end of the bar.
Barman
Sir, sir. Don’t make me call a cop.
White
Where is he? Did you lose him?
Smith
Shut up.
Gene
Let’s hope so.
Huey
Hey, quick, quick. Off with the shoes and pants. Trade with Gustino. Hurry up, come on, just do like I tell you.
Gene
What are you talking about?
Huey
Don’t worry about it. No time to be shy, ladies. Come on, do as I tell you! Hurry up! Godzilla’s coming. Come on, come on, hurry up. Okay. Come on, shut the door.
Cleaner
It’s all right, he’s gone.
Huey
This is Irene.
Gene
Hi.
Irene
Hello.
Huey
Irene’s going to help.
Gene
Oh, thank you.
Irene
Yes, follow me.
Gene
Where am I going?
Huey
You said there was only one person you knew wasn’t in this.
Gene
Right.
Huey
Well, you’re going to see her.
Gene
What?
Huey
You sure she’s asleep?
Irene
I took some extra pillows. She take a nap before her big speech.
Gene
What am I going to say to her?
Huey
It’ll come to you. See if you can stop this thing before it gets started. Save us all considerable embarrassment.
Irene
You don’t have to save me. I’ve got nothing to do with it.
Huey
Irene.
Irene
I’m not going to give you no key.
Huey
Irene, come on.
Irene
No, I’m not going to do it.
Huey
Come on now, Irene.
Irene
I’m sorry. Hi, Albert.
Albert
Hi, how’re you?
Irene
How you doing? Pretty good. Thought I’d come by and clean up a little bit for you. You mind?
Albert
Thank you.
Irene
Thank you. You deserve a nice, clean place.
Albert
Well, thank you.
Irene
So… give me that. Yes. Thank you. How’s everything? Working hard, huh?
Albert
Working hard.
Irene
Oh, yes, I know how it is. So, how long you gonna work here?
Albert
Oh, about five.
Irene
Oh, really? Well, see you later, huh?
Albert
Take care.
Gene
I am not gonna hurt you.
Eleanor
Now, my security people are right outside. Any loud noise they’d just come right in here, you, you wouldn’t get very far.
Gene
And if I was gonna hurt you, I would have done it already.
Eleanor
At least that’s a little comfort.
Gene
I have a problem.
Eleanor
I can see that.
Gene
I’m sorry to say, ma’am, that my problem is also your problem.
Eleanor
Wait a minute, I know you. You’re. . . from the elevator.
Gene
That’s right.
Eleanor
You were very nervous.
Gene
Guns tend to make me very nervous.
Eleanor
Yeah, me too.
Gene
We don’t have much time. I need you to listen to me carefully. Three lives depend on you listening very carefully to what I have to say. Do you understand?
Eleanor
Yes, I do, I do. And I wanna hear you, I mean. . .
Gene
Okay.
Eleanor
Maybe, just let me call my assistant, her name’s Krista Brooks and she’s in charge of. . .
Gene
She’s dead.
Eleanor
She’s dead? How do you know that?
Gene
I saw her die.
Eleanor
Did you kill her?
Gene
No.
Eleanor
Well, who did?
Gene
A very dangerous man, that. . . works for your husband. Your husband works for someone else and, er, they want you killed.
Eleanor
I said I would listen. I didn’t say I would necessarily believe. I mean, you’re. . . you’re trying to tell me that my people are in some kind of plot against me, that my husband is trying to kill me, what do you expect?
Gene
I know. I know. I don’t blame you. I don’t have any proof. But there is one way to find out for sure. Try to cancel the last speech.
Eleanor
I wish you wouldn’t refer to it as my last speech.
Gene
It’s the last chance that I have to kill you. Try to get out of it. They won’t let you. They can’t. Try to change the schedule. You’ll know I’m right. Governor, don’t make that speech. Trust me.
Eleanor
You know, I love it when pistoleros talk about trust.
Gene
Ma’am, I have never in my life fired one of these things before, but. . . I will if I have to.
Eleanor
Indeed.
Gene
Nine minutes, Governor.
Eleanor
Franco! Franco!
Franco
What is it, Governor? What’s wrong?
Eleanor
I. . . er. . . I, I had a really bad dream. I had a, really bad dream.
Huey
Well?
Gene
I don’t know.
Huey
What are you gonna do?
Gene
I don’t know. I gotta get back.
Huey
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
Gene
I’m gonna do whatever I have to.
Man 2
Oh, man, we gotta go. Come on, hurry, come on.
White
Where is he?
Smith
He’s in the toilet.
White
It’s time. It’s time now.
Smith
You wanna learn to relax. I told you I got it under control.
Lynn
Where are we going?
Jones
Not very far, Honey-Pie, not very far at all.
Smith
Outta there! Mr Watson, time’s up! Let’s go! Outta there! Now you forgot!
Gene
What?
Smith
Wash your hands.
Gene
Why are you doing this to me?
Smith
I saw you, with your kid. I knew you’d do anything for her. I got faith in you, Mr Watson. You’re not just a regular guy. I know that. You don’t know it yourself. Maybe that’s why. Come here. I chose you.
Gene
I know what I have to do. I’ll do it. Let’s do it.
Brendan
Hey you, ready to head downstairs?
Old Man
Good afternoon, Eleanor.
Eleanor
I, er, I’ve got a killer headache, and, siesta hair. I’m, er, thinking of canceling the speech.
Brendan
Well, it’s, it’s an important speech.
Old Man
I’d say critical. Course, it’s no business of mine.
Eleanor
Just another speech in a Tower of Babel so high, even Nimrod would be put to shame. Cancel and make my apologies.
Brendan
Erm, won’t you excuse us?
Old Man
Er, yes, I’ll. . . Nice to see you, Eleanor.
Brendan
Honey, during a campaign, every speech is important. I mean, this is free, prime-time news coverage. We couldn’t buy it.
Eleanor
What’s he doing here?
Brendan
Who, him?
Eleanor
Yes, him.
Brendan
I asked him here. I needed his input on several issues.
Eleanor
Things have changed, Brendan. I thought you understood that.
Brendan
Christ, Eleanor, don’t start with that, I understand things have changed better than you do. I’m the one downstairs dealing with the repercussions. I’m the one taking the heat for all the broken promises you made to people like him. People who helped get you elected, by the way!
Eleanor
Don’t remind me!
Brendan
Listen to me. This speech, or a half dozen rubber chicken fundraisers. What do you say?
Eleanor
The truth. . . Well, the truth is, I’ve got this lower intestinal havoc, Brendan, I feel sick. I wanna, I wanna cancel the speech.
Brendan
This isn’t like you. You’re a trooper. Right, I’m gonna get some Pepto. You go downstairs and make one of your patented tributes to the common person, and we’re back to Sacramento. We can’t afford to lay down on the job now, I don’t care what the polls say. You want to blow off the Sacramento speech, that’s fine. But do this one, and let’s get out of the smog.
Eleanor
Okay. I’ll do it.
Brendan
That’s my girl.
Eleanor
Er, I want to make some, last minute changes in that speech. Would you send Krista in right away, please?
Brendan
Oh, jeez, I sent her on an errand.
Eleanor
You sent my assistant on an errand?
Brendan
Yeah.
Lynn
Why do you keep looking at me?
Jones
It’s my job. I’m your baby-sitter.
Lynn
I’m not a baby.
Jones
Oh, you’re a big girl, huh?
Lynn
I’m not a big girl, but I’m not a baby.
Brendan
Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, campaign volunteers, and those of you who were looking for any excuse to take off from work this afternoon. Let me be the first to welcome you to this afternoon’s campaign banquet. Governor Eleanor Samara Grant. Well, what can I say about her, that won’t get me in trouble when I go home tonight?
Brendan (on TV)
Seriously, she is a woman who loves our great state.
Brendan
I know you recognise her as a charitable and enlightened leader. She actually united Republicans and Democrats in the assembly to pass new laws to improve the lives of all Californians.
Cameraman
Charlie. Yo, Charlie. Charlie, you reading me? Charlie? Charlie, Charlie are you reading me? Cha. . . Shit, stupid radio. Hey, Terr, Terry, the walkie-talkies don’t work from here ‘cos there’s too much concrete and stuff.
Brendan
. . .California has veer seen! I am honoured to present to you, our esteemed governor, and my beloved wife, Eleanor Samara Grant.
Franco
Gun! Get down, Governor!
Brendan
Get a doctor! The governor’s been shot! They did it. A bleeding heart makes a very big target, Governor.
Eleanor
My God! Franco! Oh my God. Are you all right?
Franco
I’d be better if they’d put sleeves on these damn bullet-proof vests.
Jones
It’s time. You read me? I don’t hear you. I’m gonna go ahead now.
Man 1
Hey!
Man 2
Hey!
Smith
Fuck with me, huh?
Jones
Close your eyes.
Lynn
Why?
Jones
I have something for you.
Lynn
A surprise?
Jones
You ask too many questions. You want the surprise or not? Huh? Close your eyes.
Huey
Afternoon, ma’am. Hello there, little girl.
Jones
Hey, what, what, what are you doing?
Huey
I’m just giving you the gift of a clean windshield.
Jones
No, no, no. I don’t want my windshield cleaned. So just get outta here.
Huey
Oh, you just think you don’t want your windshield cleaned.
Jones
No, I know that I don’t want my windshield cleaned. So get outta here.
Huey
Oh, come on. Don’t be like that. Just think of me as the Moses of dirty windshields, leading you through the desert of dead bugs.
Jones
This is the last time I’m telling you. I don’t want my windshield cleaned, so get the hell outta here.
Huey
I’ve already done it, I’ve already done it. You have to pay me now.
Jones
I ain’t paying you nothing.
Huey
Oh, come on. You would deny me a lousy dollar, after I’ve sweated like a pig, giving you the gift of a clean windshield.
Jones
Fucking A!
Huey
I don’t think so!
Jones
What you doing?
Huey
I think this is worth a dollar.
Jones
Give it to me!
Huey
I’m gonna do better than that.
Jones
No, you better. . .
Huey
Oh, you ungrateful honkey! . . .whip your ass!
Jones
Give it to me!
Huey
Get off me!
Smith
Daddy blew it.
Lynn
No!
Smith
Very good, Mr Watson. I told ’em, I could make a killer out of you.
Lynn
Daddy!
Gene
You okay, Honey? Yeah? Thank God! Thank God.
Huey
Nothing like a good wing-tip.
Gene
You okay? You okay? You’re okay. You’re okay.
Lynn
I’m okay.
Gene
Baby.
Newscaster
I’m standing in the Bonaventure lobby with this breaking news story. Just minutes ago, shots were fired at Governor Grant. The police are just beginning to arrive on the scene. The details of the attempted assassination continue to pour in. This is going to prove to be one of the most bizarre stories of the year. Our sources are now pinpointing a conspiracy which could point as high as Brendan Grant, Governor Grant’s husband. This is a bizarre case and we will give over to you, any details, late breaking events, as we get them. Stephen Schuster, JBN.
