James
Okay. Hello. Thought you could escape from Captain Swarthy, eh? Off to the ship with you then. Off to the ship son. So now you can either choose to become a pirate with the rest of us. . . Or, we’ll toss you to the shark.
Michael
How marvellous.
James
Or maybe the crocodiles, eh?
Sylvia
No-one’s escaped Captain.
James
Excellent work, matey. Now then, now is your only chance to speak. Who amongst you is ready to tie your hopes and dreams to the sea?
Michael
I am.
James
Not finished yet. And to enter into the most dangerous chapter in your young and soon to be wasted lives? What did you say? What are you doing, son? Are you giggling? On my ship? Giggling? What did you say?
George
I said I’m ready Captain.
James
What’s your name boy?
George
I’m Curly, the oldest and wisest of the crew.
James
Cut him loose matey. Welcome aboard Curly. Your job will be to mop the deck. And who be you, young squire?
Jack
My name be Nibbs the Cut-Throat, feared by men and greatly desired by the ladies.
Sylvia
Jack!
James
Welcome aboard Nibbs, you shall polish all the wood surfaces.
Sylvia
Grab a hold of that rigging.
James
And you lad?
Peter
I’m Peter.
James
That’s not a pirate name. What about Dastardly Jim, eh?
Peter
No, just Peter. I like my name.
James
Very well. In punishment for lack of an interesting pirate name, Peter shall walk the plank. Cut ‘im loose.
Mr Reilly
Mr Barrie sir. There’s been a mistake here sir. It says here I’m to play the nanny. Don’t imagine I quite fit that part, eh?
James
You’re not actually a nanny, you’re a dog.
Mr Reilly
What?
James
A Newfoundland, we’ll put you in a great big fluffy dog suit.
Mr Reilly
Oh right.
Organiser
Actually, we don’t have a Tinkerbell cast do we? He could play Tinkerbell.
James
Oh heavens, no. Tinkerbell’s a light that moves around the stage. Just a wee light that, that, that moves around the stage.
Stagehand
Bit worried about this.
Charles
Let’s see, got John Darling, Michael Darling, Tiger-Lily, Smee, Skylines, it’s a play for puppets. Tools, Nibbs, Curley. Oh these names are absurd when you see them all together. Captain Hook, Sergeant. . . Oh, hello James. You’re out of your mind.
Mary
How were rehearsals?
James
Fine, great, they’re going, quite well.
Mary
Good.
James
Yes, thank you.
Sylvia
Hello.
James
Hello.
Sylvia
How was your journey?
James
‘Twas quite long, I’m exhausted.
Sylvia
Let’s get you some tea.
James
That’d be nice, thanks.
Michael
Can you come to the play-house.
Sylvia
In a moment Michael, he’s just arrived.
Michael
But I said I’d get him. They always send Peter to do things. I said I’ll do it. It will spoil the surprise.
Sylvia
What surprise darling?
Michael
It’s a great surprise. We’ve taken most of the day preparing for it, everybody’s waiting for you.
James
Then we mustn’t keep them waiting.
Michael
Please don’t tell them that I told you the surprise, I said I wouldn’t.
Sylvia
Oh well, you didn’t really tell us anything about it, did you?
Michael
Yes I did, it’s a play.
James
It’s a play!
Peter
The Lamentable Tale of Lady Ursula, a play in one act, by Peter Llewellyn Davies. This is just a bit of silliness really.
James
I should hope so. Go on.
Peter
I just wanted to take a stab at writing, you know, well, the others do a good job of it anyway.
Sylvia
Well, let’s see it then.
Peter
The Lamentable Tale of Lady Ursula. One morning, just after sunrise, Lady Ursula, the most beautiful daughter of Lord and Lady DuBonne, made her way up the steps of the great cathedral to pray to her blessed saint. Suddenly, as she reached the cathedral doors, the gargoyle that guarded the sacred structure, came to life and swooped down upon her. The people of the village all ran to safety, but Lady Ursula slipped on the cathedral steps and the gargoyle descended upon her, wrapping her in its huge wings and taking her high up into the spires of the cathedral.
Sylvia
Go on Peter.
Peter
Not long after this sorrowful event, a young knight names J M Barnaby came into the city.
James
Sylvia, come on. Do you want some water?
Sylvia
No James.
James
Back to the house, go on. She won’t discuss it with me at all. She claims it was nothing. I tell you doctor, she couldn’t breathe.
Doctor
Well, I can’t very well treat a patient who won’t admit there’s anything wrong.
James
You’ll have to make her understand that something is.
Doctor
I’ll try and do my best.
James
Okay, just here. Put your hand flat like that, okay? And. Ow. And then, like that.
Sylvia
Come in.
James
The good doctor didn’t feel up to the challenge on this one. He thinks you need to go to hospital for further tests.
Sylvia
Nonsense, when would I have the time for that? Besides, this family’s had enough of hospitals.
James
Perhaps they can help you.
Sylvia
I know what they can do for me. I saw what they did for my husband. No James, no interest in hospitals. Though I’m keenly interested in having some supper.
Peter
What did you and mother decide to tell us this time? It’s only a chest cold?!
James
We hadn’t decided anything.
Peter
Stop lying to me. I’m sick of grown-ups lying to me.
James
I’m not lying to you. I don’t know what’s wrong.
Peter
Father might take us fishing. That’s what she said, in just a few weeks, and he dies the next morning.
James
That wasn’t a lie Peter. That was your mother’s hope.
Peter
He barely moved for a week, but I started planning our fishing trip.
James
I will never lie to you. I promise you that,
Peter
No, all you’ll do is teach me to make up stupid stories and pretend that things aren’t happening, until. . . I won’t, I’m not blind. I won’t be made a fool.
Sylvia
What’s this? Peter? Your play. Darling, I wanted to see the rest of it. Magic’s gone out of it a bit now, hasn’t it? All because of a silly chest cold.
Mary
James. Well you remember Gilbert Cannan don’t you?
James
Good evening.
Mary
Mr Cannan has been working on the committee to fight government censorship.
Gilbert
I know how involved you’ve been as well.
Mary
He wanted to speak to you. I did think you’d be home so much sooner.
James
It’s been a long evening Mary.
Mary
Yes, well if I’d realised how late it was, of course.
Gilbert
I should perhaps talk to you at another time, not so late.
James
That’ll be fine.
Gilbert
We’ll talk then, eh. Thank you for your patience Mrs Barrie, Mr Barrie. Good night.
Mary
Well aren’t you going to speak?
James
What would you like me to say? Curious how late Mr Cannan stayed I suppose. And let’s see, what comes next? No later than you were out James. And how is Mrs Davies this evening? Oh yes, I would have a great answer to that one, wouldn’t I?
Mary
How dare you! This isn’t one of your plays.
James
I know that Mary. It’s quite serious. But I’m not ready for this conversation, whatever it may be. Perhaps we can talk in the morning, yes? Good night then.
Smee
Er, Mr Barrie, don’t you agree this is a little bit tight?
James
No, no, in fact I think it’s quite. . . baggy.
Smee
Baggy?
James
Quite frumpy. I’d bring it right in just here.
Smee
That’s very tight.
James
Hm, right there. And put maybe a plank of wood there to straighten him up.
Tailor
Oh yeah, yes Mr Barrie.
Smee
Plank of wood?
James
Some wood there, there in the shoulders. Otherwise it’s marvellous.
Tailor
Right sir.
Sylvia
You’ll be sick tomorrow.
George
I’ll be sick tonight.
Sylvia
James, we’re just having some tea. You remember my mother of course.
James
Yes, of course, how do you do?
Sylvia
May I take your hat?
Mrs Du Maurier
Don’t laugh boys.
Sylvia
Boys, please don’t run in the house, you’ll break something, come away from that door, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Mrs Du Maurier
I’d like a word with you Mr Barrie before you go. We’ll only be a few minutes.
Sylvia
Boys, why don’t you go and play in the garden, go on.
Michael
Is he in trouble?
Peter
Sshh!
Michael
Because I’ve been alone with Grandmother and I know what it’s like.
Sylvia
Shall we retire into the study?
Mrs Du Maurier
Why don’t you join them dear?
Sylvia
Very well.
James
I do apologise for interrupting.
Mrs Du Maurier
Would you close the door please.
James
Certainly.
Mrs Du Maurier
Sylvia has told me you’ve offered her the services of your household staff.
James
Er, well, not exactly.
Mrs Du Maurier
That won’t be necessary.
James
I’ll leave that to Sylvie of course.
Mrs Du Maurier
You’ll leave that to me Mr Barrie. You see I’m moving in here from now on.
James
You’re moving in?
Mrs Du Maurier
I’m going where I’m most needed. And I can certainly see to it that this house is managed without resorting to your charity.
James
It isn’t charity Mrs DuMaurier. I was only trying to help as a friend.
Mrs Du Maurier
Have you no idea how much your friendship has already cost my daughter? Or are you really that selfish?
James
I beg your pardon.
Mrs Du Maurier
Don’t you see, what a visit to the summer cottage of a married man does for a widows future prospects? Sylvia needs to find someone, the boys need a father. And you are destroying any hope this family has of pulling itself together again.
James
I’ve only wanted good things for this family Mrs DuMaurier.
Mrs Du Maurier
I’ll look after them. You have your own family to concern yourself with.
James
What are you suggesting?
Mrs Du Maurier
I’m suggesting you protect what you have Mr Barrie. That is precisely what I am doing.
Mary
I was so certain what I would find in this. Some little confession would leak out onto the page.
James
I don’t write love notes in my journal.
Mary
No, still you knew who I meant didn’t you? That’s some comfort actually. Means I know you just a little after all.
James
You needn’t steal my journal to get to know me Mary.
Mrs Du Maurier
No, I suppose I could just go see the plays. I was hopelessly naïve when I married you. I imagined that brilliant people disappeared to some secret place where good ideas floated around like leaves in Autumn, and I, hoped at least, once, you would take me there with you.
James
There is no such place.
Mary
Yes there is. Neverland. It’s the best you’ve written James. And I’m sure that Davies will adore the world you’ve created for them. I only wish I were part of it.
James
I’ve wanted you to be. I’ve tried. Mary, I always imagined us going off on great adventures once we were together. But we moved into this house and you started, I don’t know, re-arranging the furniture.
Mary
What was I supposed to do James? You were always gone.
James
I was right here.
Mary
Sitting in your parlour staring off into other worlds as though I didn’t exist.
James
Look, just give me a bit more time to finish up the play.
Mary
To spend with your mews. No I’m tired of waiting James, I’m tired of looking like a fool.
James
Well I can’t very well give up the play.
Mary
‘Course not. Just, come home to me at the end of the day. Rehearse and be home for dinner. No more trips to the country, no more long afternoons in the park. If you can’t give us that much of a chance. . . then we must end this. And I will.
Captain Hook
Pitiful display.
James
Nana, Nana. Erm, first you get the pyjamas, then you make the bed.
Nana
With my paws?
James
You make the bed with your paws, the pyjamas you get with your teeth. Because, in fact, being a dog, you haven’t any proper digits, have you?
Nana
Well I don’t have any teeth either. I mean, I can’t see, I can’t breathe. All I’ve got is this rubbery snout.
James
Can we get him some teeth?
Charles
He can have mine.
James
We’ll get you teeth. Let’s have a wee break, shall we?
Nana
Okay.
Smee
I though you were wonderful.
Captain Hook
You were marvellous.
Smee
I think you’re better on four legs that you are on two.
Captain Hook
Absolutely.
Nana
Oh give it a rest.
Smee
I do!
James
Just say it Charles, go on.
Charles
Well, you picture it James, opening night, doctors, lawyers, business men and their wives all dressed to the nines, they paid good money. They’re expecting theatre, what we call theatre. The curtain opens and it’s crocodiles and fairies and pirates and Indians, I don’t even know what it is.
James
But you did know Charles, you’re an absolute genius Charles, that’s it.
Charles
Oh, don’t patronise me James, you know how much money I’ve put into this show that I haven’t even found yet?
James
Listen, listen, opening night, I want 25 seats set aside.
Charles
Set aside?
James
25 seats.
Charles
Twenty-five?
James
Right, scattered throughout the theatre. Two here, two there, three up there.
Charles
Are they paid for?
James
They’re filled.
Charles
NO, no, no, no.
James
The seats are filled Charles.
Charles
Madness.
George
Uncle Jim?
James
Hello boys.
George
Can I speak to you for a minute please?
James
Certainly. 25 seats Charles.
Charles
James.
James
You’re great, it’ll be fantastic.
Charles
25 scattered seats, who’s paying for them?
James
Throughout the theatre.
Charles
Er, yeah, who’s paying for these 25 scattered. . . ?
James
They’re filled up seats Charles.
Stagehand
Look
Jack
This is great, I’m flying.
Stagehand
We don’t need to use much pull at all see, as long as we’ve got the balance there.
George
Mother asked me to take the boys out for the afternoon. She said, she only wanted a bit of quiet, but she was trembling so badly she couldn’t even finish her tea. I’m not a fool Uncle James, I deserve to know the truth.
James
I don’t know the truth, she won’t talk about it.
George
But you think it’s serious?
James
I could be. The doctor felt she should go and have some tests.
George
Then you’ll have to convince her to go then.
James
I’ve tried, she won’t listen to me. And lately, to be quite honest it seems that all my beast intentions for your family have come to nothing but harm. Apparently I’ve made quite a mess of things.
George
It’s Grandmother, isn’t it? She’s run you off, hasn’t she?
James
Oh, she’s absolutely tried with great effort and. . . and perhaps with good reason.
George
It isn’t you Uncle Jim. She just. . . she just doesn’t want to see mother hurt anymore.
James
Look at that. How magnificent. They boy’s gone. Somewhere during the last 30 seconds you’ve become grown up. Right then. I think you should be the one to talk to her George.
George
But I won’t know what to say.
James
You’ll do fine. You’ll do just fine.
Smee
Mr Barrie sir, sorry to interrupt, it’s Nana, he expired backstage.
James
What’s happened?
Smee
I think his costume was too tight.
James
It’s not possible, too ti. . . George give me a minute, I’ll be back.
Stagehand
Put that one tight, and here, last one. Good.
George
Whoa.
