ED
(surprised)
Bela, they’re parasites! They just
want to exploit you.
BELA
Fine. Let them! There is no such
thing as bad press. A man from New
York even said he’s putting me on the
front page! First celebrity to ever
check into rehab.
(he smiles feebly)
When I get out of here, I will be
healthy. Strong! I will be primed
for my comeback!
Bela starts COUGHING heavily. Ed stares sadly.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LOBBY – ANOTHER DAY
Ed sits tensely in the lobby, holding vigil. Kathy O’Hara
walks by.
KATHY
Oh, it’s you again.
ED
Oh, hi.
KATHY
You look beat.
ED
I am. How’s your father?
KATHY
He’s better. Thank you for asking.
(pause)
How’s your friend?
ED
Not good…
Kathy reaches in her purse and pulls out two black booties.
KATHY
Well, I made him some booties to
cheer him up.
(beat)
They’re black — to match his cape.
She smiles.
Ed slowly smiles in response. But this isn’t his normal slick
smile. It’s gentler. Sincere.
ED
Would you maybe like to get a
coffee..?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
Ed and the Doctor stand in a doorway, talking.
DOCTOR
We thought Mr. Lugosi was insured
though the Screen Actors Guild.
ED
Isn’t he?
DOCTOR
No. They say his eligibility ran out
years ago.
ED
Look, he doesn’t have any money…
but I’ll give you everything I’ve
got. I have a few hundred dollars.
The Doctor shakes his head grimly.
DOCTOR
That won’t even begin to cover it.
He’s going to have to leave.
INT. BELA’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Bela lies sleeping in bed, pasty and pale. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS
of his hospital stay are tacked up.
Ed anxiously tiptoes in. He quietly speaks.
ED
Bela, wake up.
Bela stirs lethargically. Ed puts on a fake smile.
ED
I’ve got some good news. The doctor
says you’re all better. You can come
home.
BELA
(so weak, he’s barely audible)
Really? I don’t feel so great.
ED
No, you look good. And the tests
came back fine.
(a poignant pause)
C’mon…
Ed gingerly helps Bela up.
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Bela slowly gets into Ed’s car.
BELA
Eddie, I wanna make another picture.
When are we gonna make another
picture?
ED
Soon, Bela… Soon.
CUT TO:
INT. CAMERA RENTAL HOUSE – DAY
Ed is desperately trying to cut a deal with the OLD MANAGER.
ED
Please, I just need it for one
afternoon!
OLD MANAGER
Ed, if I cut a deal for you, I gotta
cut one for everybody.
ED
This is different! It’ll mean so
much to me. All I need is a camera
and a tripod. No lights, no sound.
Nothin’ fancy.
OLD MANAGER
And that’s it?
ED
And one roll of film.
The old guy gives Ed a tough look.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S HOUSE – DAY
Bela is dressed in his Sunday finest, standing in front of his
little house. He wears a cloak and a wide-brimmed hat.
BELA
This is so exciting. Another
production!
WE WIDEN. Out on the lawn… is just Ed. With the camera.
BELA
So Eddie, don’t we need a sound crew?
ED
No, this is just the second unit.
We’ll do the main footage later.
BELA
Oh. So what is the scene about?
ED
(improvising)
Uh… you’re a very important and
respected man. You’re leaving your
house… and you’re in a hurry to a
big social event.
Bela nods. He mulls this over.
BELA
Okay. But what if I’m not in too big
a hurry? What if I take a moment to
slow down and savor the beauty of
life? To smell a flower?
ED
(he smiles)
That’s great. Let’s do a take.
WIDE
Bela goes in the front door. Ed gets behind the camera, then
turns it ON.
ED
Okay, roll camera! Rolling. Scene
One, Take One!
(pause)
And… ACTION!
There’s a moment. And then Bela slowly steps outside, calm,
dignified, walking with a cane. He looks about — and then
something catches his eye. He leans down and picks a flower.
Bela smells the flower, then abruptly drops it. He starts
crying. A pause, and then he composes himself. The old man
slowly shuffles out of frame.
Ed peers emotionally from behind the camera.
ED
And, cut…
BELA
Eddie, how was I?
ED
(quiet)
Perfect.
Bela is pleased.
BELA
Good.
(beat)
Now what about my close up?
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD DUPLEX – DUSK
Ed’s Nash convertible pulls up outside a neat little duplex in
a nice neighborhood. Ed is dressed up for a date. He checks
his hair nervously in the mirror, revealing an anxious
boyishness we’ve never seen before.
Ed carries a bouquet of flowers to the front door. He rings
the bell. Kathy opens the door. She looks very pretty in a
full skirt with a crinolin.
KATHY
Oh, flowers! I didn’t know you were
so traditional.
ED
(a little embarrassed)
I just picked them up on the way
over…
KATHY
They’re very nice.
(she smiles sweetly)
Let me get my coat.
EXT. CARNIVAL – NIGHT
Ed and Kathy are at a tattered traveling carnival. Rattling
steel rides and flashing lights spin about them. They stroll
through the crowds eating cotton candy. Kathy wears one of
Ed’s flowers on her dress.
KATHY
So have you always lived in L.A.?
ED
No. I’m from back east. You know,
All-American small town… everybody
knew everybody, I was a Boy Scout,
my dad worked for the post office…
KATHY
Sounds like you lived in Grovers
Corners.
INT. SPOOK HOUSE – NIGHT
Ed and Kathy ride through the old mechanical spook house.
KATHY
Did you find it boring?
ED
Nah, ’cause I had my comic books.
And I read pulp magazines. And I
listened to the radio dramas…
A wooden WITCH jumps out at them. They ignore it.
KATHY
Oh. I loved those shows! “Inner
Sanctum”… “The Shadow” —
ED
(getting excited)
Yeah! Don’t forget “Mercury
Theatre”… And then every Saturday,
I’d go to the little movie theater
down the street. I even started
ushering there.
A creaky GHOST flies overhead.
KATHY
You’re not gonna believe the first
picture I ever saw. Your friend’s.
ED
What do you mean?
KATHY
“Dracula.”
Ed freaks out.
ED
That’s INCREDIBLE! That’s the first
picture I ever saw!!
WIDE
Mechanical BATS drop down and flap around them.
KATHY
That is incredible!
(beat)
You know, I had to sleep with the
lights on for a week after seeing
that movie.
ED
I had to sleep with the lights on for
a month.
(he smiles)
But I never missed a Lugosi picture
after that.
KATHY
A few years ago, I actually saw him
do “Dracula” live. I thought he was
much scarier in person.
CLOSEUP – ED
He starts at Kathy in wonder. He is overcome.
Their car SMASHES through the tin exit doors.
EXT. SPOOK HOUSE – SAME TIME
Ed and Kathy’s little car comes to a stop. He gets very
serious.
ED
Kathy, I’m about to tell you
something I’ve never told any girl
on a first date. But I think it’s
important that you know.
(beat)
I like to wear women’s clothes.
KATHY
Huh?
ED
I like to wear women’s clothes:
Panties, brassieres, sweaters,
pumps… it’s just something I do.
And I can’t believe I’m telling you,
but I really like you, and I don’t
want it getting in the way down the
road.
Kathy is amazed. She contemplates all this.
KATHY
Does this mean you don’t like sex
with girls?
ED
No! I love sex with girls.
KATHY
Oh. Okay.
ED
(surprised)
Okay?
Kathy slyly grins.
KATHY
Okay.
Ed grins back. A moment.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S HOUSE – DAY
Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira.
ED (on phone)
Vampira! Hi, it’s Ed Wood.
VAMPIRA (on phone)
Ed, I told you, I don’t wanna go out!
ED
No, don’t worry, I moved on. I was
just calling to see if you want to
attend the world premiere of my new
film, “Bride Of The Monster.”
VAMPIRA
(confused)
Didn’t you just make one called
“Bride Of The Atom”?
ED
It’s the same film. But the
distributor wanted a punchier title.
C’mon! It’s gonna be a big event —
we’re going all out! Bela, Tor, and
Cris are coming. You’ll have fun!
Vampira rolls her eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run
theater. A banner says “‘Bride Of The Monster’ World Premiere!
Celebrities In Person!”
EXT. DARK CITY STREET – SAME TIME
An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street.
INT. HEARSE
Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in
with him, along with bewildered Kathy.
Everyone is dressed in gaudy “scary” outfits. Tor wears his
frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES.
TOR
My eyes are killink me.
ED
Don’t worry. We’re almost there.
BELA
(still hoarse)
Eddie, where are we? We passed that
carwash twenty minutes ago.
CRISWELL
I predict we’re lost.
VAMPIRA
(to Bela)
Hey! You wanna watch the hands??
Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh.
BELA
Sorry…
ED
(he looks around, baffled)
Has anyone ever been to Downey?
INT. MOVIE THEATER – SAME TIME
The audience is so restless, they’re practically rioting. They
CLAP AND CHANT angrily.
A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage.
THEATER MANAGER
Children, if you don’t calm down,
there won’t be the entertainment.
ANGRY KID
It was supposed to start an hour ago!
INT. HEARSE – SAME TIME
Tempers are flaring.
TOR
My eyes are burnink.
KATHY
Hey look! There’s the theater.
TOR
Where? I can’t see nothink!
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over.
FRANTIC USHER
Thank God, you’re here! They’re
tearing the place apart!
The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and
blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps.
TOR
Ow.
Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky
black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him.
FRANTIC USHER
C’mon! This way!
INT. THEATER – SAME TIME
Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group
stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy.
KATHY
I’ve never been to a premiere before.
The Usher opens the auditorium doors.
INSIDE
It’s PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump
up and down, on top of the chairs.
Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed.
The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over
the sound system.
ED
Wow. Go knock ’em dead!
Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out
his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell
nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela.
The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn.
Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer.
ON ED AND KATHY
In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE:
ED (amplified)
Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight,
the witching hour, the ghouls arise
from the dead!
DOWN THE AISLE
Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls.
A WOMAN’S VOICE cackles.
WOMAN’S VOICE
It’s the blind leading the blind!
Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking
the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE.
Criswell quickly helps his up.
TOR
Dis is a nightmare.
CRISWELL
It’s show biz.
Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks
knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet.
A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the
seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over
Bela and Vampira.
BELA
What is that?
VAMPIRA
I think they’re getting ready to burn
this place down.
A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira’s breasts.
HIGH SCHOOL PUNK
Hey Vampira, how ’bout a little love?
VAMPIRA
Fuck off!
She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid.
ON STAGE
The Manager pleads to the mob.
THEATER MANAGER
Children, please! Be calm!
Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes
down.
WIDE
The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM.
Ed’s panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends.
ED
C’mon! We’re getting the hell out
of here!
Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira.
The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused.
TOR
What is happening?
ED
We’re escaping!
The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close,
“Bride Of The Monster” starts unspooling on the screen.
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The gang frantically runs out, scared for their lives.
They look over. Some JUVENILE DELINQUENTS are stripping the
hearse.
VAMPIRA
We’re gonna die.
The theater doors CRASH open. The angry mob pours out.
Ed spins wildly around… and sees a cab approaching.
ED
Stop!
KATHY
STOP!
Kathy runs frenziedly into the street and throws herself at the
cab. It screeches to a halt.
Everybody sprints over and jumps in. The cab ROARS away.
INT. CAB – SAME TIME
All of them are breathing heavily. They watch in the rear
window as they drive away from the rampage.
A nervous silence. Until Bela speaks.
BELA
Now that was a premiere.
All of them LAUGH.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – DAY
Bela and Ed stroll down the street, in high spirits. Bela
smokes a big fat cigar.
BELA
Last night was quite a romp.
ED
Did you see that kid grab Vampira’s
tits?
BELA
I envied him.
(he chuckles)
Hell, I envied you too, having a
girlfriend that would jump in front
of a car like that.
ED
Yeah, she’s really somethin’.
BELA
I know none of my wives would’ve.
Ed laughs. Bela puffs his cigar.
BELA
Eddie, I want to thank you. These
last few days have been a good time.
ED
I just wish you coulda seen the
movie.
BELA
No problem. I know it by heart…
Bela stops walking. And in a BOOMING, THEATRICAL VOICE, he
suddenly launches into his impassioned, climactic speech from
“Bride Of The Monster.”
BELA
“Home. I have no home. Hunted…
despised… living like an animal
— the jungle is my home! But I
will show the world that I can be
its master. I shall perfect my own
race of people… a race of atomic
supermen that will conquer the
world!”
Ed is touched.
A few people around them APPLAUD.
Bela’s face lights up, proud. An awed MIDWESTERN TOURIST hands
him a pen and paper.
TOURIST
Mr. Lugosi, could I have your
autograph?
BELA
Certainly.
TOURIST
Boy, that was incredible. You’re
just as good an actor as you always
were.
Bela puffs out his chest majestically.
BELA
Better.
(beat)
I’m seventy-four, but I don’t know
it. If the brain is young, then the
spirit is still vigorous… like a
young man.
Bela turns and smiles wanly at Ed.
Ed smiles back.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Ed and Kathy stand in his kitchen, making dinner. She sticks
her finger in a pot.
KATHY
Ed, this spaghetti sauce is
delicious.
ED
Thanks. It’s actually the only thing
I know how to make.
(he motions)
Hey, can you grab that strainer?
She holds a strainer. Ed pours the spaghetti over it.
Suddenly the PHONE rings. Ed groans.
ED
Ugh! Always at the wrong time.
(he ANSWERS the phone)
Hello?
He listens.
And then, he gets a very somber expression.
ED
Oh no…
Ed HANGS UP the phone. He looks pained.
KATHY
What was that?
ED
(quiet)
Bela died.
CUT TO:
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
It’s Bela’s funeral.
Ed sits crying in the front row, with Kathy at his side.
All Bela’s friends are there. They’re very subdued.
THE CASKET
Bela lies inside, made up in his full Dracula outfit. His hair
is died black, and he wears the famous cape.
EXT. HOLY CROSS CEMETERY – DAY
On a grassy hill, Bela is laid to rest. The small crowd of
mourners stands silhouetted against the dark gray clouds.
The coffin is lowered into the ground. Ed stands at the front,
silently watching.
AT A DISTANCE
A few TABLOID PHOTOGRAPHERS snap pictures.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
Whose crazy idea was it to bury him
in the cape?
PHOTOGRAPHER #2
I heard it was in the will. It was
how he wanted to be remembered.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM – DAY
Ed is alone in a darkened screening room, depressed.
Playing on the SCREEN is the last footage of Bela: Bela
stumbles around in front of his house and smells the flower.
Ed drinks out of a flask.
The film runs out. A VOICE comes over a loudspeaker.
VOICE
Do you want me to run it again?
Ed silently nods.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Ed’s apartment has gone to hell. Ed is in a robe, unshaven and
clutching a bottle of whiskey. Newspapers are everywhere.
Bela’s and Ed’s dogs eat out of the trash.
Kathy tries to straighten things up. Ed stares listlessly.
ED
I’d seen him in a coffin so many
times, I expected him to jump out…
KATHY
Ed, you’ve got to snap out of this.
Bela’s dead — you’re not!
ED
I might as well be. I made shitty
movies that nobody wanted to see.
(beat)
I blew it. All he wanted was a
comeback… that last glory…
KATHY
Well you tried —
ED
(angry)
I was a fuckin’ HACK! I let people
recut the movies, cast their
relatives…
(beat)
I let Bela down…
CUT TO:
EXT. ED’S APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
A new Studebaker pulls up. A bumper sticker says “JESUS SAVES”
A man in a plain brown suit steps out. This is J. EDWARD
REYNOLDS, 50, Ed’s santironious southern Christian landlord.
Reynolds assertively bangs on Ed’s front door.
REYNOLDS
Mr. Wood?!
ED (O.S.)
Hruphh…?
REYNOLDS
Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your
landlord. Could you please open up?
The door opens a crack. Bleary Ed peers out.
ED
Yeah…?
REYNOLDS
Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third
and final rent check.
ED
(he sloppily lies)
I’m real sorry. My stockbroker must
have transferred the wrong account…
C’mon in, I’ll write you another one.
INT. APARTMENT – SAME TIME
Ed motions Reynolds in. Reynolds peers unsurely at the tornado
inside. Then he notices a framed one-sheet for “BRIDE OF THE
MONSTER.” Reynolds admires it.
REYNOLDS
Hmm, so you’re in the picture
business?
ED
(rummaging for a check)
You could say that —
REYNOLDS
I’m interested in the picture
business. My associates and I wish
to produce a series of uplifting
religious films, on the Apostles.
But unfortunately, we don’t have
enough money.
ED
(distracted)
Raising money is tough.
REYNOLDS
Oh! Our church has the money for one
film. We just don’t have it for all
twelve…
ANGLE – ED
His eyes suddenly pop.
The color comes back to his fact. A plan is quickly boiling
over inside Ed’s head. He starts feverishly pacing around.
ED
Okay — you know what you do? You
produce a film in a commercially
proven genre. And after it’s a hit,
you take the profits from that, and
make the twelve Apostles’ movies.
REYNOLDS
Would that work?
ED
Absolutely! You see this script..?
Ed randomly grabs a script off the messy floor, then glances
down, to see which one he picked up. It says “Graverobbers
From Outer Space.”
ED
“Graverobbers From Outer Space”!
It’s money in the bank.
REYNOLDS
Graverobbers from what??
ED
From outer space! It’s science-
fiction. Very big with the kids!
If you make this picture, you’ll have
enough money to finance a HUNDRED
religious films!
(beat)
And pay my back rent from the
profits.
Reynolds scratches his head.
REYNOLDS
I don’t know… this is all a lot to
absorb.
ED
It’s a guaranteed blockbuster!
REYNOLDS
Um, I understand that this science
friction is popular — but don’t the
big hits always have big stars?
ED
(in a frenzy)
Yeah, well we’ve GOT a big star!
Bela Lugosi!!
REYNOLDS
(mystified)
Lugosi??! Didn’t be pass on?
Ed grins maniacally. He grabs a SMALL REEL of 35mm film.
ED
Yes, but I’ve got the last footage
he ever shot!
REYNOLDS
Just, it doesn’t look like very much.
ED
It’s plenty! It’s the acorn that
will grow a great oak. I’ll just
find a double to finish his scenes,
and we’ll release it as “Bela
Lugosi’s Final Film”
A beat. Reynolds stares, intrigued…
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – LATER
The place is cleaned-up. Ed shouts excitedly into the phone.
ED
Bunny! We’re making another film!
Yeah — I got the Baptist Church of
Beverly Hills to put up the cash!
Paul sticks his head in.
PAUL MARCO
Ed, I got the Lugosi lookalikes
outside.
ED
Great! Bring ’em in! Bunny, I gotta
run.
Ed hangs up.
Paul leads in THREE. They look nothing like Bela. One is
a HOMELESS BUM, one is a SHORT FAT MAN, and one is CHINESE.
Ed inspects them.
ED
Too tall… too short…
(he glances at the Chinese guy)
And this guy doesn’t work at all.
PAUL MARCO
Well I was thinkin’ like, when Bela
played “Fu Manchu.”
ED
That was Karloff.
(beat)
Paul, you gotta try harder. I don’t
want this film to be haif-assed.
This time, we go for the quality.
Paul turns to go.
ED
And by the way, keep Sunday free.
The producers want all of us to get
baptized.
CUT TO:
INT. KATHY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kathy reads a newspaper while knitting an angora sweater. Ed
is typing deliriously fast — in one of his artistic fevers.
ED
You know, when you rewrite a script,
it just gets better and better!
KATHY
Do you want your buttons on the left
or the right?
ED
The left. It’s more natural.
(he squints at his script)
Hey, I’ve got a scene where the
aliens have the ultimate bomb. What
would that be made of?
KATHY
Uh, atomic energy?
ED
No. They’re beyond that! They’re
smarter than the humans. What’s more
advanced?
KATHY
Dynamite —
ED
No, BIGGER! What’s the biggest
energy??
KATHY
The sun.
ED
(ecstatic)
Yes! BINGO! Solar energy! Oh
that’s gonna seem so scientific.
(he resumes TYPING)
This movie’s gonna be the ultimate
Ed Wood film. No compromises.
Kathy suddenly jumps up, shocked.
KATHY
Oh my God. Look at this!
She runs over and shows Ed the newspaper.
INSERT – THE NEWSPAPER
A small headline says “VAMPIRA REVEALED TO BE RED.” Underneath
is the story: “Channel 7 has fired popular horror hostess
Vampira, after learning of her suspected communist leanings…”
ON ED AND KATHY
They’re astonished.
ED
Those assholes.
KATHY
The poor girl’s out of a job.
ED
Yeah…
(he looks up)
I should give her a call.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Ed and Kathy sit with a shaken-up Vampira.
ED
I’m really sorry…
VAMPIRA
It’s terrible. People won’t even
return my calls. It’s like I don’t
exist.
ED
I know what that’s like.
(he pulls out his SCRIPT)
Anyway, I brought a copy of the
script. You would play the “Ghoul’s
Wife.”
VAMPIRA
(she grimaces)
The Ghoul’s Wife?! God, I can’t
believe I’m doing this…
KATHY
You should feel lucky. Ed’s the only
guy in town who doesn’t pass judgment
on people.
ED
(he laughs)
Hell, if I did, I wouldn’t have any
friends.
Vampira smiles uncomfortably.
VAMPIRA
Look… would it be possible to make
the “Ghoul’s Wife” a little less
prominent, so people won’t really
notice me in the movie?
ED
You don’t wanna be noticed?
VAMPIRA
Exactly. Hey, how ’bout this — what
if I don’t have any lines? I’ll do
the part mute!
Kathy suddenly sees someone.
KATHY
Look, it’s Dr. Tom.
(she SHOUTS)
Hey, Dr. Tom!
ED
Who’s Dr. Tom?
KATHY
My chiropractor!
DR. TOM MASON, a tall, slender 35-year-old chiropractor,
strides over. He smiles.
DR. MASON
Kathy, how are you?! You’re looking
in alignment today.
KATHY
Actually, my neck’s a little funny.
Dr. Mason grabs Kathy’s neck and CRACKS it loudly.
ON ED
Ed stares at the Doctor in astonishment. Ed is riveted.
ED
Wait a second. Don’t move!
Ed excitedly jumps up, takes his NAPXIN, and covers the
Doctor’s face from the nose down.
ED
It’s uncanny.
VAMPIRA
What’s uncanny?
ED
LOOK AT HIS SKULL!
CUT TO:
INT. BAPTIST CHURCH OF BEVERLY HILLS – DAY
Services are in progress. J. Edward Reynolds leads a CHOIR
singing an emotional SPIRITUAL.
Ed, Tor, Criswell, Paul, Conrad, Vampira, Kathy, Bunny, and Dr.
Tom Mason sit in back. They’re all wearing white robes and
arguing about the doctor.
TOR
He look nutink like Bela!
CONRAD
He’s kinds got his ears.
TOR
You’re stupid!
KATHY
No, cover up his face.
Kathy lifts Dr. Mason’s robe over his bewildered face.
CRISWELL
Ah! Now I see it.
DR. MASON
(goofily imitating Bela)
“I want to suck your blood!”
Everybody CRACKS up. Ed waves his arms.
ED
SHHH! We want these Baptists to like
us.
Like bad kids, they quiet down. Ingenuous Southern REVEREND
LYN LEMON speaks up front.
REVEREND LEMON
Brothers and Sisters, we’ve reached
a special part of the service. The
baptism of our new members!
(beat)
If the congregation will oblige, we’d
like to adjourn and reconvene at Emma
DuBois’s back yard.
EXT. BACKYARD – DAY
The straight-laced, devout CONGREGATION is gathered around a
large SWIMMING POOL. Reverend Lemon, Reynolds, and our misfits
stand in the shallow end, in their white robes.
Criswell whispers to Vampira.
CRISWELL
Why couldn’t we do this in the
church?
VAMPIRA
Because “Brother Tor” couldn’t fit
in the sacred tub.
MONTAGE:
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES ED
REVEREND LEMON
…Do you accept the Lord Jesus
Christ as your savior?
ED
I do.
Reynolds DUNKS Ed in the water.
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES BUNNY
REVEREND LEMON
…Do you reject Satan and all his
works?
BUNNY
(hiding a smirk)
I do.
Reynolds DUNKS Bunny.
THE REVEREND BAPTIZES TOR
REVEREND LEMON
…Do you repent for all your sins?
TOR
I do.
Tor winks slyly at Criswell.
Reynolds DUNKS Tor. But Tor slips from Reynolds’ grasp and
sinks to the bottom of the pool.
REYNOLDS
Oh my God, I dropped him —
Tor lies on the bottom, staring lifeinsly.
CRISWELL
(mischievous)
I don’t think he’s coming up!
REVEREND LEMON
Lord no! The man’s drowning!
REYNOLDS
(scared)
What do we do?!
REVEREND LEMON
Help! HELP!!!
The whole Congregation starts JUMPING IN. Men and women in
their Sunday finest leap into the pool and start tugging on
Tor. But nobody can budge the big whale.
REVEREND LEMON
(near tears)
Dear Jesus, please forgive us!
ON TOR
He suddenly rises, Poseidon-like, from the pool.
Tor spits out water, then lets out a hearty BELLY LAVGH.
TOR
Tor make good joke!
The Baptists aren’t amused.
CUT TO:
INT. CITY BUS – MORNING
A bus drives along. Every PASSENGER stares at something up
front — Vampira, in her slinky black outfit. She reads a
“Grave Robbers From Outer Space” script.
EXT. SCUMMY NEIGHBORHOOD – SAME TIME
The bus stops in a scary, run-down neighborhood. Vampira
off and warily looks around.
VAMPIRA
This can’t be the right address…
She nervously walks down a dingy alley. Vampira gets to an
unmarked grimy door, gulps, then slowly opens it…
INT. WAREHOUSE SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
And inside is the “Grave Robbers From Outer Space” famous
CEMETERY SET! The film is in production! Packed into a
stinking little studio are a few scrawny twigs, branches, and
flimsy cardboard tombstones set against a black drop.
Tot struts about gregariously, in his “Inspector Clay” suit.
He chats up the CREW.
TOR
I am so happy! Finally I am star wit
dialogue! I memorized every wordt.
Eddie will be so proud!
The Baptists chase Ed around. They wave the script.
REYNOLDS
Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood,
we have a few questions —
REVEREND LEMON
The script refers on numerous
occasions to graverobbing. Now we
find the concept of digging up
consecrated ground highly offensive.
It’s blasphemy.
ED
(very annoyed)
What are you talking about?! It’s
the premise of the movie. It’s even
the title, for Christ’s sake!
REVEREND LEMON
(shocked)
Mr. Wood!
REYNOLDS
Yes, about that title, it strikes us
as very inflammatory. Why don’t we
change it to “Plan Nine From
Outer Space”?
Ed shakes his head.
ED
That’s ridiculous!
WIPE TO:
CEMETERY SET
They’re filming the COPS arriving at the pitch-black cemetery.
There’s a prop police car, and an assistant blows fog in.
ED
And, ACTION!
Tor steps onto the set
TOR (as Inspector Clay)
“Medicul eksaminer been aroundt yet?”
COP
“Just left. The morgue wagon oughta
be along most any time.”
TOR
“You get statement frumk vitnesses?”
COP
“Yeah, but they’re pretty scared.”
TOR
“Findink mess like dis oughta make
anyone frightened. Have one of da
boyz take dem back to town. You
take jarge.”
ON THE CREW
Everybody grices, trying to understand Tor. The SCRIPT GIRL
shakes her head.
The Baptists angrily pull Ed aside.
REYNOLDS
What’d you give him all the lines
for?? He’s unintelligible!
ED
Look, Lugosi is dead and Vampira
won’t talk. Ihad to give somebody
the dialogue.
REVEREND LEMON
That’s not an answer.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE BEING SHOT – LATER
As Inspector Clay, Tor wanders around the “cemtery,” waving
his flashlight and nervously fingering his gun.
Ed grins at the Baptists.
ED
See, no talking. Isn’t he good?
(he grabs his MEGAPHONE)
CUE DR. TOM!
DR. TOM (o.s.)
Now?
ED
YES, NOW! LURK HIM. AND BE SURE TO
KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED!
The door of a large paper-mache crypt creeps open. Dr. Tom
uncertainly steps out, impersonating Bela. He holds the cape
over his face and stalks Tor.
Ed is pleased as punch. He whispers to the Baptists.
ED
Isn’t it wonderful? Bela lives!
REVEREND LEMON
Doesn’t this strike you as a bit
morbid?
ED
No, he would’ve loved it! Bela’s
returned from the grave — like
Dracula.
(he grabs the MEGAPHONE)
CUE VAMPIRA!
Vampira steps out, walking in a trance. Tor is now cornered.
He fruitlessly FIRES his gun, but bullets can’t stop zombies.
Vampira and Dr. Tom kill him. Tor screams.
WIPE TO:
ANOTHER SCENE GETS SHOT – LATER
Paul and Conrad are scared cops exploring the cemetery.
CONRAD (as a cop)
“Let’s go down and find out whose
grave it is.”
PAUL MARCO (as a cop)
“Why do I always get hooked up with
these spook details? Monsters!
Graves! Bodies!”
ED
CUE THE FLYING SAUCER, RAY!
Off-stage, a grip on a ladder pans a 10K SEARCHLIGHT.
The LIGHT crosses the actors. They look up in horror, then
clumsily fall down. A rickety fake tombstone tips over.
ED
And PERFECT. CUT!
REYNOLDS
(freaking out)
“Perfect”? Mr. Wood, do you know
anything about the art of film
production?!
ED
I like to think so.
REYNOLDS
That cardboard headstone tipped over.
This graveyard is obviously phony!
ED
People won’t notice. Filmmaking
isn’t about picky details — it’s
about the big picture.
REYNOLDS
Oh, you wanna talk about the “big
picture”?! How ’bout that the
policemen arrive in the daylight, but
now it’s suddenly night???
Ed suddenly flips out. He’s livid.
ED
YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! Haven’t you
ever heard of “suspension of
disbelief”?!
A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN walks up. He smiles at the Baptists,
STRAPPING YOUNG MAN
Reverend, I’m here.
ED
(baffled)
Who’s he?
REVEREND LEMON
This is our choir director. He’s
gonna play the young hero.
ED
(furious)
Are you IN5ANE? I’m the director!
I make the casting decisions around
here!
REVEREND LEMON
I thought this was a group effort.
ED
NOOOOO!!!
Ed spastically storms away.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Ed bursts in. He paces about, hysterically traumatized.
ED
They’re driving me crazy! These
Baptists are stupid, stupid, STUPID!
Ed glances at a clothing rack — and sees an ANGORA SWEATER.
Ed is taken aback. He slowly removes it from the hanger and
rubs it against his face. His breathing slows.
ED
Mmm. I need to calm… Take deep
breaths…
(he rubs the angora)
Ohh, it’s so smooth…
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – SAME TIME
The dressing room door flies open. Ed slowly struts out, in
the sweater, pantsuit, and pumps. He is calmed and at
ease.
The stage quiets. People are staring.
ED
Okay, everyone! Let’s set up for
Scene 112! Move the crypt stage left
and get ready with Tor’s make-up
effect.
The crew resumes working. But the Baptists charge up, aghast.
REVEREND LEMON
Mr. Wood? What do you think you’re
doing?!
ED
I’m directing.
REYNOLDS
Not like THAT, you’re not!
REVEREND LEMON
Remove that get-up immediately. You
shame our Lord.
Ed throws up his hands.
ED
That’s it. I give up!
CUT TO:
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
Ed frantically marches out of the building. He’s still in his
ladies’ outfit. Ed sees a cab and WHISTLES loudly.
The cab pulls over. Ed jumps in.
ED
Take me to the nearest bar.
CUT TO:
INT. MUSSO & FRANKS – DAY
The place is quiet, mid-morning. Frazzled Ed enters and sits
at the bar.
ED
Imperial whiskey, straight up.
The bartender nonchalantly pours a shot. Ed takes the drink.
He quietly sips his booze and reflects upon his day.
Ed glances around. And then, suddenly — his eyes widen.
Sitting at a table is ORSON WELLES! The portly, world-famous
filmmaker sits alone, eating lunch with one hand and drawing
STORYBOARDS with the other.
Ed is thunderstruck.
ED
Oh my God. It’s Orson Welles…
Ed nervously stands. He starts to step forward — when he
catches his own reflection in a mirror. He’s still in drag.
ED
Oh shit.
Ed rolls his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair, then
slowly approaches Orson Welles. Ed is terrified.
ED
Excuse me, Sir…?
ORSON WELLES
(he casually looks up)
Yes?
ED
Uh, uh, I’m a young filmmaker, and
a really big fan… and I just wanted
to meet you.
ORSON WELLES
(he extends his hand)
My pleasure. I’m Orson Welles.
ED
Oh. Um, I’m Ed Wood!
(he smiles anxiously)
So, what are you working on now?
ORSON WELLES
Eh, the financing just fell through
for the third time on “Don Quixote.”
So I’m trying to finish a promo for
something else. But I can’t find the
soundtrack —
(he shrugs)
I think I left it in Malta.
Ed is astonished.
ED
I can’t believe it. These sound like
my problems!
ORSON WELLES
It’s the damn money men. You never
know who’s a windbag, and who’s got
the goods. And then they all think
they’re a director…
ED
Ain’t that the truth! I’ve even bad
producers recut my movies —
ORSON WELLES
Ugh, I hate when that happens.
ED
(on a roll)
And they always want to cast their
buddies — it doesn’t even matter if
they’re right for the part!
ORSON WELLES
Tell me about it. I’m supposed to
do a thriller at Universal, and they
want Charlton Heston to play a
Mexican!
Ed shakes his head. He’s discouraged.
ED
Mr. Welles, is it all worth it?
ORSON WELLES
It is when it works.
(solemn)
You know the one film of mine I can
stand to watch? “Kane.” The studio
hated it… but they didn’t get to
touch a frame.
(he smiles warmly)
Ed, visions are worth fighting for.
Why spend your life making someone
else’s dreams?
CLOSEUP – ED
He has seen God.
ED
Wow.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
Ed bursts onto the stage, a changed man. Re-energized, he
confidently grabs the Baptists.
ED
Mr. Reynolds!
REYNOLDS
Yes?
ED
We are gonna finish this film just
the way I want it! Because you can’t
compromise an artist’s vision!
REVEREND LEMON
(flustered)
B-but it’s our money —
ED
And you’re gonna make a bundle. This
movie’s gonna be famous! But only
if you SHUT UP, and let me do it my
way!
Reynolds and Rev. Lemon are speechiess.
CLOSEUP – ED
He beams, turns and SHOUTS TRIUMPHANTLY into the soundstage.
ED
ALRIGHT! ACTORS IN POSITION! LET’S
FINISH THIS PICTURE!!
WIPE TO:
“PLAN 9” MONTAGE:
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET
Tor plays a zombie rising from the dead. He wears the scary
white contact lenses. Tor’s so big, he has trouble lifting
himself from the grave.
EDITING ROOM
Ed and his stock footage buddy watch a moviola.
ED
Okay, I want that tank! And I want
that bomb!
SOUNDSTAGE
Harry paints Bunny’s face GREEN, like a Martian. Ed yells.
ED
NO! The aliens should look like
people.
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY
I’m tellin’ ya, aliens are always
green.
ED
Not in my movie, they’re not!
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Bunny’s make-up is now normal. He wears an alien
suit. A HAMMY ALIEN enters and salutes with a bizarre
crossing gesture.
BUNNY
“What plan will we follow?”
HAMMY ALIEN
“Plan Nine.”
BUNNY
“Plan Nine…”
(he consults his papers)
“Ah yes. Plan Nine deals with the
resurrection of the dead.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY
Tor staggers up to Paul Marco and CLOBBERS him.
OFF-STAGE
Ed smiles at the Baptists.
ED
Maybe you guys were right. “Plan
Nine” is a good title.
MINIATURE CITY SET
Ed shoots the famous flying saucers. Paul holds a paper plate
and Conrad lights it on fire.
The “saucer” soars on fishing line over a little miniature
town.
SCENE IN THE BEDROOM SET
Dr. Tom glides in, his cape over his face. A woman SCREAMS.
COCKPIT SET
Ed stands in front of a masonite board and two chairs. An
actor playing the AIRPLANE PILOT walks up.
PILOT
Where’s the cockpit set?
ED
You’re standing in it.
(he yells off)
Alright, bring in the shower curtain!
A shower curtain gets lowered into the doorway.
EXT. DUSTY ROAD
A car zooms by. Kathy drives, as Ed shoots handheld out the
back window.
SCENE IN THE SPACESHIP SET
Th Hammy Alien argues with the humans.
PILOT
“So what if we develop this solarnite
bomb? We’d be even a stronger
nation.”
HAMMY ALIEN
“Stronger? You see! You see!! Your
stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!”
PILOT
“That’s all I’m taking from you.”
He WHACKS the alien. A brawl breaks out.
SCENE WITH CRISWELL
Criswell lectures behind a desk, with mysterious lighting
CRISWELL
“Perhaps on your way home, someone
will pass you in the dark, and you
will never know it. For they will
be from outer space.”
SCENE IN THE CEMETERY SET
The famous shot: Tor and Vampira walk in a trance through
foggy cemetery.
Off-stage, Ed stands with the crew. He shouts gleefully.
ED
More fog! More fog!!
(he beams)
And CUT! PRINT IT! IT’S A WRAP!
END MONTAGE.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY – NIGHT
It’s pouring rain. Standing in the drench is Ed. He’s wearing
a tux, and fighting with his open convertible top. The
Rambler is filled with water.
Kathy stands under an awning. She wears a pretty gown.
ED
I can’t get it to go up.
KATHY
Ed, you’re gonna miss your own
premiere.
ED
(he gives up)
C’mon! Let’s just go.
Ed impulsively opens the car door. Water pours out. Kathy
scurries out and jumps in the wet car with him.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
The rain is gushing down. The marquee proclaims “WORLD
PREMIERE: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!”
People hurry in. Ed and Kathy roar up in the open convertible,
totally soaked. He jumps out, opens her door, and they run
inside.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The theater is packed. All the gang, and their friends and
families, are gathered.
Criswell stands on-stage, speaking into a mike.
CRISWELL
You are about to see en extraordinary
motion picture. But before it
begins, I think we ought to give a
hand to the man without whom we
wouldn’t be here tonight… Eddie,
take a bow!
The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Everybody goes crazy — even the
Baptists. People YELL “Speech! Speech!”
Ed smiles proudly. Kathy kisses him. Ed runs down front, hugs
Criswell, then takes the microphone.
ED
Thanks a million. I just wanna
say… this film is for Bela.
The lights dim.
DISSOLVE TO:
MINUTES LATER
The title “PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE” is projected onto the
screen. As random IMAGES from the film play out, we drift over
the happy faces of our friends watching.
Paul and Conrad stare, enthralled.
Tor laughs as he sees himself.
Vampira giggles. Bunny nudges her playfully.
Criswell mouths his own lines.
ON SCREEN
Bela appears, in his little suit. In the last footage he ever
shot, he shuffles around in front of his house, then tenderly
smells the flower.
ON ED
He watches, entranced. Then he smiles to himself.
ED
This is the one. I know I’ll be
remembered for this film.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATER LOBBY – LATER
The BOISTEROUS crowd is in high spirits. People congratulate
Ed and pat him on the back. “It was great!” “It’s your best
one yet!” “Bela would’ve loved it!”
Ed drifts through the crowd, basking in the glory. It’s like a
wonderful dream.
EXT. THEATER – SAME TIME
The rain comes down in sheets. The doors burst open, and Ed
and Kathy run out.
KATHY
Ed, I’m so happy for you.
ED
Let’s get married.
KATHY
(startled)
Huh?!
ED
Right now. Let’s drive to Vegas!
KATHY
But it’s pouring. And the car top
is stuck!
ED
(he gives his killer grin)
So? It’s only a five-hour drive.
And it’ll probably clear up, once we
hit the desert. Heck, it’ll probably
clear up once we drive around the
corner. I promise.
Kathy stares in disbelief. Then she smiles. They kiss.
Ed and Kathy jump into the open convertible. The engine
starts, and they drive away, disappearing into the pouring
rain.
A moment.
And then, we move up, up, into the black clouds. Lightning
CRACKS across the sky.
OPTICAL:
We slowly PULL OUT from the sky, move through a window… and
we’re back inside
INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR – NIGHT
Criswell is sitting inside his coffin. He stares at us.
CRISWELL
My friend, you have just seen the
story of Edward D. Wood, Junior.
Stranger than fact… and yet every
incident based on sworn testimony.
(his eyes gleam)
A man. A life. Can you prove it
didn’t happen?
A beat, to ponder this. And then Criswell slowly lies back in
his coffin, and the lid mysteriously closes over him.
FADE OUT.
THE END
