ED
(unyielding)
No! I don’t want you to show the
movie, I want you to be in it! See,
maybe I should explain: We started
shooting, but then after three days
we got shut down. So we’re having
a backers party, to raise some more
money. Perhaps you’d like to come
next door and meet some of the
backers…?
Vampire glances at her friends. They uncomfortably turn away.
VAMPIRA
Uh, look, I’m with some friends, and
we’re about to eat —
ED
(begging)
Please! It’ll only take a minute.
You can have some hors d’oeuvres, and
meet my backers! There’s a really
nice dentist from Oxnard…
VAMPIRA
(pissed off)
Look buddy, I’m a big star. I’ve got
real offers from real studios. I
don’t need to blow some dentist for
a part. So forget it!
BACK AT THE PARTY
The backers glance into the next room. Ed is in front of
Vampira, begging on his hands and knees.
BACKER
(to another backer)
I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
Let’s get out of here.
The backers pick up their coats. Through the doorway, Ed sees
this. He jumps up and frantically runs back in.
ED
Where are you guys going?! You can’t
leave!
BACKER
(running out)
Goodbye, Mr. Wood.
ED
(insane)
You can’t go! You haven’t seen the
storyboards!
The backers run out of the room. They’re gone.
Ed shouts after them.
ED
Fine! SCREW YOU! If you don’t have
the balls to roll the dice, then I
don’t want your stinking money!!
No response.
ED
Please, come back!
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES’ HOUSE – DAY
Ed and Dolores are being evicted. Their belongings are
scattered in front. They bitterly carry furniture out of the
house. Ed stumbles and slurs his speech. He is drunk.
ED
Goddamn landlord.
DOLORES
I told you this was gonna happen.
ED
Maybe if you’d come to the backers
party, I would’ve gotten the money.
DOLORES
That’s moronic. Why would a bit
player impress a backer?
ED
(he starts yelling)
Look, how many times can I say I’m
sorry? I blew it! I thought she was
rich.
DOLORES
That’s a good reason to dump your
girlfriend.
ED
I didn’t dump you! Get it through
your skull — I just recast the part!
Ed drops the furniture. He flops onto the sidewalk.
DOLORES
You’re a fuckin’ mess.
ED
So WHAT?? Look, we gotta figure out
where we’re gonna stay.
DOLORES
I’m going to my mother’s.
ED
Does she have room for me?
Dolores shakes her head.
DOLORES
I think you should stay with one of
your friends.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWERING TEMPLE – NIGHT
Ed and Bela stroll through a parking lot. Ed is sobered up and
remorseful. Bela wears a beret and smokes a huge cigar.
ED
Bela, I don’t know what I’m doin’
anymore…
BELA
Stop worrying. This is going to
raise your spirits.
They reach the strange entrance to an avant-garde, Eastern
based quasi-religious temple. Bela puts out his cigar, and
they enter the oversized doors.
INT. TEMPLE – SAME TIME
Sphinxes and Bodhisatvas peer down from the marble walls. A
service is in progress. A wiry, enigmatic LECTURER speaks.
LECTURER
Thou eternal sun, who has covered the
consciousness with thy golden disc,
do thou remove the veil so that I may
see the truth within?
Bela leads Ed to a seat, stepping past men in fezzes and odd
elderly women in fur coats. As the lecture continues, Ed
WHISPERS in bafflement.
ED
What is this place?
BELA
This is the Philosophical Research
Society. A refuge for free thinkers.
I’ve been coming here for twenty
years.
LECTURER
…for the truth which is within thee
is within me. And I am Truth.
BELA
Most people in this country, they
know nothing, about Eastern mysticism.
They are afraid of it.
(beat)
But I am open-minded. It gives me
hope.
LECTURER
We have the wisdom to govern and the
divine right to inherit the earth in
good condition. We have the power
to build worlds.
Ed leans in to Bela.
ED
Was I wrong to cast Loretta?
BELA
Bad decisions are easy to live with.
Forget. Just keep looking forward.
ED
But was it a bad decision? At the
time, I thought her money would save
the movie.
BELA
Eddie, you screwed up.
ED
(he nods)
Yeah, I did.
CUT TO:
LATER
The lecture is over. The speaker shakes hands with people.
Bela leads Ed along.
BELA
In life, the decisions that haunt you
are the ones where you just don’t
know… where right or wrong will
never be answered.
(beat)
Years ago, the Hungarians contacted
me. The government wanted me to come
home, to be Minister of Culture.
ED
Really?
BELA
It was a very impressive offer.
Fancy offices, a big home… I’d be
treated like a king.
ED
So why didn’t you do it?
BELA
I didn’t know if it was a trick.
They might arrest me and throw me in
a gulag.
(pause)
I am Hungary’s most famous emigrant.
they’d use me as a lesson to anyone
who tries to leave.
ED
But maybe not.
BELA
Correct. So instead, I stayed here,
waiting for my comeback. Always
hoping… the next film, the next
film… that would be the one.
They reach the exit. Ed stops in the huge doorway.
ED
Your next film. That will be the
one.
Bela smiles sweetly.
CUT TO:
INT. MCCOY MEATPACKING PLANT – DAY
We’re in a noisy meat-packing plant. WORKERS in blood-stained
aprons slam cleavers into hunks of beef.
Ed walks down an aisle with DONALD E. McCOY, a wealthy Texan
meat man. Old Man McCoy is a tough-talking, tobacco-chewing,
straight shooter.
ED
…and then Dr. Vornoff falls in the
pit, and his own octopus attacks and
eats him! The End.
OLD MAN McCOY
Whew! That’s quite a story. So you
made the movie, and now you want to
make it again?
ED
(gently correcting him)
No. We shot ten minutes of the
movie, and now we’re looking for
completion funds.
OLD MAN McCOY
Son, you’re too vague. I come from
the world of business. I need to
know what I get for my investment.
ED
Movies are very popular. You could
make a lot of money.
OLD MAN McCOY
Yeah, but most of ’em flop, don’t
they? What am I tangibly guaranteed?
ED
Well… you get “Executive Producer”
credit.
OLD MAN McCOY
That don’t mean diddley.
(he suddenly SHOUTS angrily)
BILLY BOB! You’re cutting ’em TOO
LEAN.
McCoy grabs a CLEAVER from a worker and slams it into a chop.
ED
Mr. McCoy, how can I make you happy?
OLD MAN McCOY
Cut to the chase, heh? That’s good!
That’s very good.
McCoy SPITS his tobacco.
OLD MAN McCOY
Okay, two things. Number one: I want
the movie to end with a big
explosion. Sky full of smoke.
ED
But the story ends with Dr. Vornoff
falling in the pit —
OLD MAN McCOY
Not anymore. And number two: I’ve
got a son. He’s a little slow — but
a good boy. And something tells me
he’d make a hell of a leading man…
Under Ed’s cheery frozen smile, his face clearly falls.
CUT TO:
INT. SALT LAKE CITY AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
We’re at a ROWDY wrestling match. Tor Johnson is in the middle
of a screaming, four-man tag-team event. Tor THROWS his
opponent to the ground; then tags with his partner and goes to
the corner.
Suddenly a WRESTLING COACH runs up, dragging a telephone on a
very long cord.
WRESTLING COACH
Tor, you got a phone call!
TOR
Heh? NOW?
WRESTLING COACH
They said it was an emergency!
He hands sweaty Tor the phone. Tor speaks into it.
TOR
Hallo?
ED’S VOICE
Tor, this is Ed! Glad I could find
you! I got the money, and we resume
shooting tomorrow morning!
TOR
But I’m in Utah.
ED’S VOICE
Then you’ll have to drive all night!
I’m counting on you, big guy.
Breakfast is at seven.
CLICK. Ed hangs up. Tor is flabbergasted.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – EARLY MORNING
“Bride Of The Atom” is back in production! Ed’s stock company
is reunited. People drink coffee and gossip.
PAUL MARCO
This is unbelievable! I woulda bet
a million bucks that Ed wouldn’t
finish this picture.
CAMERAMAN BILL
It ain’t finished yet. Anything
could happen.
The stage door opens and standing there, in silhouette, is
Dolores. Everybody quiets. People glance nervously at
Loretta.
BUNNY
Uh-oh. Stay out of scratching
distance.
AT DOLORES
Ed runs over. Dolores is beautifully made-up, and wearing a
furry angora sweater. Ed speaks, awkwardly.
ED
Honey, you made it! I wasn’t sure
you got my message.
DOLORES
(icy)
Of course I’m here. Today is the
file clerk’s big scene.
ED
That’s right…
DOLORES
I see the usual gang of misfits and
dope addicts are here.
(she looks around)
Say, who’s the lug?
In a corner, standing by himself, is dumb TONY McCOY, Old Man
McCoy’s worthless son. He’s a good-looking, moody hunk. Tony
is practicing his lines from a script, but he’s terribly stiff.
TONY
“Now Janet, I want you straying away
— oops — staying away from the old
Willows Place.”
Ed shrugs.
ED
That’s Tony McCoy. He’s playing
Lieutenant Dick Craig.
DOLORES
Oh really? How much money did he put
up?
ED
None.
(beat)
But his dad gave me fifty grand.
DOLORES
(snide)
Wood Productions. The mark of
quality.
ED
Hey, the movie’s getting made.
That’s the main thing.
Dolores shakes her head contemptuously. Then she strides off.
Ed stands alone, feeling bad.
WIPE TO:
ON STAGE
The set is a one-wall “office hallway”: A doorway and a water
cooler. Loretta sits in a make-up chair, as Harry works on
her.
DOLORES (O.S.)
Hey Harry — long time no see.
Harry turns, surprised. Dolores stands behind him. There’s a
thick tension. He smiles anxiously.
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY
Hi Dolores…
LORETA
Oh, you’re Dolores?! I’ve heard so
much about you! I’m Loretta King.
(she chipperly jumps up)
Here, take the chair.
DOLORES
(bitchy)
Don’t be silly — let Harry finish.
You still need more work.
LORETTA
No, I’m done. All I needed was a
touch-up.
DOLORES
Mm, that mole still shows.
Loretta frowns. Ed quickly steps in.
ED
Ladies! You both look fine. Why
don’t we talk about the scene?
(beat)
Okay. Janet Lawton has discovered
that Dr. Vornoff bought the old
Willows estate. So now she wants to
prove that all the monster stories
are true.
Dolores nods sourly. She s in a trouble-making mood.
DOLORES
Eddie, what’s my motivation?
ED
(thrown off)
Oh. Er… well you’re the file
clerk. You’re hurrying into the
next room, when you bump into Janet.
DOLORES
But what’s our relationship? Are
we good friends, or is she just a
casual acquaintance?
ED
(annoyed)
Dolores, I got five days to shoot
this movie. Quit kidding around.
WIPE TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM – NIGHT
We’re watching DAILIES. Projected ON SCREEN, a camera
assistant claps the slate. We hear Ed yell: “Action!”
Loretta hurries down the hallway. Dolores sees her run past
and shouts out.
DOLORES (as File Clerk)
“Janet, the boss has been looking
for you.”
LORETTA (as Janet Lawton)
“Thanks.”
Loretta runs out. Dolores just stands there. We HEAR Ed:
“CUT! PERFECT!”
Dolores turns deadpan to the camera.
DOLORES
Of course it was.
The FILM runs out.
ON THE AUDIENCE
The screening room lights come up on the crew. Ed sits in
gloomy haze.
Suddenly, there’s loud CLAPPING from the back of the room.
CRISWELL
Bravo! Bravo! Magnifico!
ED
(he smiles)
Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.
CRISWELL
My pleasure. I’m always happy to
assist in a little larceny.
CUT TO:
INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT
g pink Cadillac convertible races down the
Ed and Criswell are in front, and Tor, Conrad and Paul
to the back.
TOR
My head is cold.
CRISWELL
You know how much this car cost me?
CONRAD
Ten thousand dollars.
CRISWELL
ONE DOLLAR! Miss Mae West
herself sold it to me. She said,
Cris, you belong in a pink
Cadillac!
Criswell turns to Ed.
CRISWELL
Incidentally, you promise you’re not
going to scratch my car…?
ED
(cocky)
I told you, the octopus is made of
rubber. This is a piece o’ cake.
EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS – NIGHT
The five men climb over a fence. They’re breaking into
Republic Studios. Paul is panicked.
PAUL MARCO
Ed, you said you were getting
permission.
ED
Uh, I couldn’t reach the guy… he
was in meetings all day. But this’ll
be great, I promise!
Ed smiles at Conrad. Conrad shrugs. Tor struggles.
TOR
I’m no good at climbink.
Tor gives up, and simply BASHES through the locked gate.
Everyone is amazed. Tor laughs.
TOR
I’m good at bashink!!
CRISWELL
Hey, keep it down. My publicist will
throttle me if we get caught.
They all sneak across the shadowy lot. Remnants of old scary
sets tower over them.
OUTSIDE A SOUNDSTAGE
They reach a stage door. Ed tries it — but it’s locked.
ED
Oh. I thought they kept this open.
A pause. Everyone looks at Tor. He grins.
TOR
Lobo will fix!
Tor grabs the heavy door and easily SNAPS the lock.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – SAME TIME
This place is the mythic eclectic prop room. Guillotines,
rocketships, a stuffed vulture… strange mysterious props from
untold movies loom everywhere in the darkness.
It’s a place of wonderment and fear.
The men stare in awe.
CONRAD
Wow.
PAUL MARCO
This place gives se the creeps.
Let’s get the hell out of here.
ED
Not so fast. First we have to get
it down.
Ed gestures above. Everyone glances straight up.
THEIR POV
A giant OCTOPUS is lashed to the ceiling.
CUT TO:
LATER
Conrad and Criswell are way up on the catwalk, holding onto
dangling Paul by his belt. Paul leans way out, reaching for
the octopus. He shouts nervously.
PAUL MARCO
You’re sure this is gonna work?
ED (O.S.)
Yes!
PAUL MARCO
You’re sure???
ED (O.S.)
YES! JUST DO IT!
WIDE VIEW
Standing straight below is Tor. The Swede has his arms
outstretched, waiting.
Ed supervises a good distance away. He motions to Paul.
Paul gulps, then unties the octopus.
It drops incredibly fast. The thing must weigh half a ton.
Tor’s eyes widen.
And the octopus smashes straight on top of him.
BAM!
Tor is gone from sight. One of the eight tentacles snaps off.
UP IN THE CATWALK
Criswell moans.
CRISWELL
Oh my God. We killed him.
ON THE GROUND
Ed runs to the octopus and looks for Tor underneath.
ED
Tor! Are you okay?!
A beat. And then the octopus flips over. Tor sits up,
battered but smiling.
TOR
Bedder than wrestlink!
EXT. REPUBLIC STUDIOS – NIGHT
The five men hurry across the lot, carrying the hubongous
octopus on their shoulders.
Suddenly, a FLASHLIGHT shines on them.
ANGRY VOICE
Hey! What are you doing?!
The men jump with fear. They break into a fast waddling run.
CRISWELL
Thank God Tor broke the fence.
The team runs through the busted gate and escapes.
EXT. STUDIOS – NIGHT
The Cadillac SCREECHES away. The octopus flops on top of the
five men.
WIPE TO:
EXT. GRIFFITH PARK – NIGHT
The movie crew is setting up for a big night shoot. Lights and
generators are sprawled across this isolated area.
Tony McCoy perches goofily on his own personalized chair. He
runs lines by himself.
TONY
“Now Janet, I want you staying away
from the old Willows Place.”
The octopus lays in a dried-up riverbed. There’s only about an
inch of water. Ed yells at Conrad.
ED
You don’t understand! The octopus
is supposed to live in a lake!
CONRAD
This is kind of a stream–
ED
NO! It has to be UNDERWATER!
Ed storms away. Conrad scratches his head.
IN A DUSTY PARKING LOT
Bela sits inertly in the back of an open car. He weakly hails
over Ed.
BELA
Eddie, I’m so tired… I don’t know
if I can handle a night shoot…
ED
Nonsense! You look great —
(suddenly he catches himself; he
speaks more sincerely)
Look, uh, why don’t you lie down and
take a little nap? We’ll film around
you for a while.
ED
Thanks, buddy…
Ed smiles warmly, then walks off.
Bela stares after him, then absent-mindedly searches through
his pockets. Finally, he finds what he’s looking for — a
rubber tube. Bela looks to make sure no one’s around, then
ties the tube around his upper arm…
AT THE SET – LATER
Crew members have dammed up the end of the river, and Bunny
fills it with a hose. There is now a foot of water.
Ed stands at the shore, admiring it.
ED
Hey. This is looking good!
(he turns to Paul)
Paul, where’s the octopus motor?
PAUL MARCO
What octopus motor?
ED
You know, to make the legs move —
PAUL MARCO
(defensive)
Hey, don’t blame me! You didn’t say
anything about no motor when I was
up on that ceiling!
Bela stumbles up, with a dazed smile.
BELA
Let’s shoot this fucker! Where do
I go?
ED
You’ll be fighting with the octopus.
BELA
Out there?!
(he points at the water)
What happened to the stream?
ED
This’ll look a lot better. We have
to match the stock footage of the
octopus underwater.
BELA
Oh, for Christ’s sake.
Bela rolls up his pants and wades out, into the water. He
screams.
BELA
Goddamn, it’s cold!
ED
Once you’re in it, it warms up.
BELA
Fuck you! You come out here.
(beat)
Hey, toss me that J.D.
A crew member throws Bela a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Bela pops the cap and chugs half the bottle in one swig. He
licks his lips, then climbs onto the octopus.
BELA
Okay! How do we turn this thing on?
ED
Bela, somebody misplaced the motor.
So when you wrestle the octopus,
shake the legs a bit, to make it look
like it’s killing you.
Bela stares, deadpan.
BELA
Do you know I turned down
“Frankenstein”?
ED
Huh?
BELA
After I did “Dracula,” the studio
offered me “Frankenstein”! But I
turned it down, the part wasn’t sexy
enough. It was too degrading for a
big star like me.
The crew glances at Ed.
ED
Bela, I’ve got twenty-five scenes to
shoot tonight.
BELA
Don’t let me slow you down.
ED
Alright! Let’s put it on film.
CAMERA! SOUND!
Bela takes another swig of J.D., then throws it off-camera.
ED
ACTION!
Bela starts flailing around the octopus legs and SCREAMING in
horror. This image is truly ridiculous.
Ed is pleased.
Some crew members nod: Pretty good.
ED
And CUT!
Everybody cheers.
Then suddenly the dam walls BURST.
WHOOSH! The water rushes from the lake and floods the park
below.
WIPE TO:
EXT. DINKY SOUNDSTAGES – EARLY MORNING
Crew members straggle in for the final shoot. Everybody looks
bleary-eyed from last night. Ed stands cheerily at the
entrance, greeting them.
ED
C’mon! Just one more day! Just have
some coffee, you’ll feel better!
Tony staggers up.
TONY
Mr. Wood, I only got one hour of
sleep.
ED
Yeah? Well I got no sleep, and I
feel great!
Ed sees Bela slowly shuffling along. Ed runs over to him.
ED
Bela. I just wanna thank you again
for last night.
BELA
(exhausted)
That’s fine, Eddie. All in the line
of duty.
ED
No. Seriously. I want you to know
how much I appreciate what you’ve
done for me. A great man like you
shouldn’t have to run around in
freezing water at four in the
morning.
BELA
Well, there aren’t too many other
fellas I’d do it for…
ED
(he smiles, then pulls out a
script page)
I wrote something special for you.
I got to thinking about all the
sacrifices you’ve made… and so I
wrote you a new final speech.
Ed hands him the paper. Bela starts reading it, as Ed watches
anxiously. Bela is very touched.
BELA
(still reading)
Eddie, this is quite a scene.
ED
I know it’s a lot to give you at the
last second.
Bela looks up.
BELA
These lines — I’ll have no problem
remembering.
WIPE TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
They are shooting. Ed watches off-camera, as Bela acts a
somber scene with an actor playing PROFESSOR STROWSKI, a
threatening European.
STROWSKI
“Our government wants you to
return… to continue your
experiments there. Where you can
have everything at your disposal.”
BELA (as VORNOFF)
“My dear Professor Strowski, twenty
years ago I was banned from my home
land. I was classed as a madman —
a charlatan — outlawed in the world
of science which previously honored
me as a genius!”
(he gets very subdued)
“Now here in this forsaken jungle
hell, I have proven that I am
alright.”
STROWSKI
“Yes, the authorities have learned
how correct your findings were. So
I am here — sent to bring you home.”
BELA
(impassioned)
“Home. I have no home. Hunted…
despised… living like an animal
— the jungle is my home! But I
will show the world that I can be
its master. I shall perfect my own
race of people — a race of atomic
supermen that will conquer the
world!”
It’s an incredible performance of crowning tragedy. Bela is
totally drained.
CU – ED
He is very moved. He whispers, barely audible.
ED
Cut. It’s a wrap.
CUT TO:
INT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – NIGHT
The wrap party is being thrown in the meat packing plant.
People laugh and shout and carry on. Tor pours booze in the
punch. R&B MUSIC plays. Old Man McCoy dances with Loretta.
Bunny dances with a young stud. Dolores stands by herself.
Bela and Criswell are giggling.
CRISWELL
So you sleep in coffins?!
BELA
Yes. There is nothing more
comfortable.
CRISWELL
I can’t believe this! I sleep in
coffins!
BELA
No.
CRISWELL
YES! My father ran a mortuary —
it’s an old habit!
They CLINK beers.
EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – SAME TIME
Outside, Vampira and two GIRL FRIENDS walk up. They peer at a
tin sign.
GIRLFRIEND #1
“McCoy Meat Packing”? Are you sure
there’s a party here?
VAMPIRA
(holding an INVITATION)
Yeah, I got this invitation. It’s
a “Bride Of The Atom” party, whatever
that means.
They open the large steel door, and INSIDE is the wild bash.
INT. PARTY
Across the room, Paul and Conrad chat.
PAUL MARCO
“Glen Or Glenda,” now that was a hell
of a picture.
CONRAD
Well, this new one’s gonna be a
hundred times better.
PAUL MARCO
Is that possible?
Dolores overhears this. She stares in disbelief.
AT THE TURNTABLE
Someone changes the record. Brassy STRIPPER MUSIC begins.
A door opens, and Ed struts out, in full gaudy drag.
Everybody turns. They start WHISTLING and HOLLARING.
Ed grins, and starts into a wacky bump-and-grind.
VOICE
Go, baby, go!
Bunny runs up and sticks a dollar bill between Ed’s fake tits.
People LAUGH hysterically.
Dolores is appalled.
Ed shimmies to the music, blowing kisses all around. He sees
Vampira and waves.
Vampira’s jaw drops in recognition.
VAMPIRA
I don’t believe it. It’s him!
Ed sashays up to Bela and dances a few steps with him. The
music is building to a climax. Ed hurries off to center stage
— and as the MUSIC ENDS, he does a final swing of his hips,
then suddenly yanks out his teeth!
This brings down the house. Everyone STAMPS their feet and
CLAPS crazily.
ANGLE – DOLORES
Everyone, except Dolores. Suddenly, she explodes.
DOLORES
You people are INSANE! Take a look
around — you’re all FREAKS!
The room quiets. Dolores has snapped.
DOLORES
You’re wasting your lives making
SHIT! Nobody cares! These movies
are TERRIBLE!
(beat)
I can’t take it any longer!
The group is shocked. Nobody speaks.
Dolores runs out of the party.
Ed just stands, dumbstruck. Then he chases after her, in his
high heels and dress.
EXT. MEAT PACKING PLANT – SAME TIME
Dolores runs across the parking lot, in tears. Ed catches up
with her.
ED
Dolores, wait!
DOLORES
Ed, it’s over. I need a normal life.
ED
(hurt)
Did you really mean those things you
said..?
Dolores stops.
DOLORES
I’m tired of living on the fringe.
ED
But you used to say —
DOLORES
Ed… I just stuck it out so you
could finish your movie.
(pause)
Now that it’s done, so am I.
She turns and walks away. Ed is crushed. He stands
motionless, in his dress, in the dark.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S NEW APARTMENT – DAY
Ed’s new home is a single apartment, still filled with moving
boxes. Half-eaten plates of food are scattered about. Ed lies
asleep in bed, unshaven, in the middle of the day.
The phone RINGS. Ed awakens and woozily answers it.
ED
Yeah…
TOR (on phone)
Ed, dit I wake you? It’s two in
avternoon.
ED
No, I was just doin’ a little work…
TOR (on phone)
Bullchit! You been like dis too many
days. I want to cheer you up.
EXT. TOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Ed drives his Nash though a tract Valley neighborhood and
reaches Tor’s little house. Ed gets out, still looking groggy.
He walks up the tulip-lined path and rings the DOORBELL.
Clanging SWEDISH CHIMES bong inside.
The door flies open, and Tor appears, beaming.
TOR
Edvard, you come!
Tor gives Ed a back-breaking hug.
INT. TOR’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
Ed steps in. The house is filled with cuckoo clocks and little
Swedish knick-knacks. Tor gestures proudly.
TOR
I’m so happy you visit. Meet my
family! Greta, Karl, and Connie!
THREE COLOSSAL PEOPLE lumber out. Tor has the largest family
we’ve ever seen. Not fat — but big-boned. GRETA is Tor’s
gigantic Swedish wife, and KARL and CONNIE are their two
elephantine children. They ADLIB greetings: “Hallo!”
“Welcome!” “Is a pleasure!”
Ed cannot believe what he’s seeing.
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Everyone noisily eats dinner. The table looks like a
Smorgasbord. Entire hams, turkeys, a full case of beer,
incredible quantities are being shoveled in. Tor empties a
beer in one gulp, then opens another.
CONNIE
Pass the meatballs.
KARL
This strudel is delicious, Mama.
Ed is stupefied. He picks at a little dainty serving.
TOR
Hey! You’re not eatink.
ED
Uh, I don’t have much of an appetite
lately.
TOR
The food will make you feel bedder.
Look at me — I’m da happiest guy I
know!
All the Johnsons CHUCKLE.
ED
I’d be happy too, if I had such a
great family.
TOR
Don’t worry. You just haven’t met
right woman yet.
(beat)
Oopsy. That cabbage goes right
through me.
Tor stands and hurries from the room. Ed awkwardly makes
conversation.
ED
Greta, your husband is a terrific
actor. You should come down and
visit the set.
GRETA
I don’t think so.
ED
No, it’s really no problem at all!
GRETA
(steely)
I do not approve of what you do with
my husband Tor. He is not a monster.
These horror pictures are
humiliating.
Ed has no response. Suddenly — CRASH! There’s a loud o.s.
SLAM, falling porcelain, then Tor SHOUTS FURIOUSLY in Swedish.
TOR (O.S.)
OUCH! GODDAMMIT!
Earl and Connie begin giggling. Ed is totally baffled.
Tor runs out, angrily holding a BROKEN TOILET SEAT. It is
split in two.
TOR
Look, it happened again!
Ed is boggle-eyed. This house is sadness.
ED
Tor, I should be getting home.
TOR
Nonsense! You must try our hot glug.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER
It’s very late. Tor and Ed sit in the living room, drinking
from a steaming pot of hot stilled wine. They are smashed.
TOR
My friend, you tink Greta is first
woman I ever see? No! Many duds,
before I find her.
ED
But I thought me and Dolores had
something.
TOR
Forget her! Move on. A good lookink
boy like you as you can have any girl
you wish.
Tor finishes his glug, and then his eyes roll back into his
head, and he falls off the couch. He starts SNORING.
Ed stares at Tor, then gets up. Ed turns off the lights and
goes home.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT
Ed smokes a cigarette and watches TV.
ON THE TV
Vampira is doing her shtick.
VAMPIRA (on TV)
Ooo! That was so scary, it gave me
goosebumps.
(someone QUACKS os.; she
pretends to be angry)
No, dummy! I didn’t say “goose,” I
said “goosebumps.” Ugh! Well, be
sure to join me next week, for
“THE MUMMY’S CURSE.” Until then…
pleasant nightmares.
Vampira blows a kiss, then disappears into the mist. A USED
CAR COMMERCIAL abruptly comes on.
ON ED
He stares at the TV, then picks up the phone.
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIOS – SAME TIME
Vampira is walking off stage. She removes her black wig.
VAMPIRA
God, we need some better jokes on
this show.
A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT carries over a phone.
ASSISTANT
Vampira, you got a phone call.
VAMPIRA
At this hour?
(she takes the phone)
Hello?
ED’S VOICE
Vampira! Hi, this is Ed Wood.
VAMPIRA
Who?
ED’S VOICE
Ed Wood! You came to my party. I
directed “Bride Of The Atom”!
VAMPIRA
Oh. Yeah. You.
Ed pauses, nervously.
ED’S VOICE
Well, I was wondering if maybe
sometime you’d like to go out, and
maybe grab some dinner.
VAMPIRA
You mean like a date? I thought you
were a fag.
ED’S VOICE
ME?! No, uh, I’m just a
transvestite.
VAMPIRA
Isn’t that the same thing?
ED’S VOICE
No, no! I like girls. So how ’bout
Friday?
VAMPIRA
(uncomfortable)
Look, you seem like a nice guy, Ed,
but you’re just not my type.
(beat)
But keep in touch. Let me know when
your movie opens.
CUT BACK TO:
CLOSEUP – ED
Click. The phone hangs up. Poor Ed just stands there,
forlorn.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
Ed shuffles down the street, Mr. Lonely Guy, feeling sorry for
himself.
He glances in a coffee shop, and sees a sweet young woman
inside. Her name is NORMA McCARTY. She wears a bow in her
hair, Mary Jane shoes, and a fuzzy white angora sweater.
Ed’s eyes widen.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – SAME TIME
Innocent Norma sits by herself, eating.
ED’S VOICE
Excuse me. Is that angora?
Norma looks up. Standing over her is Ed, smiling.
NORMA
Why… yes.
ED
Don’t you think angora has a tactile
sensuality lacking in all other
clothing?
NORMA
I suppose. It’s very expensive.
ED
It’s made from specially-bred rabbits
that live in the Himalayas.
NORMA
What are you, an angora wholesaler?
ED
No, I work in pictures. I’m a
director-actor-writer-producer.
NORMA
(she laughs)
Ah, c’mon! Nobody does all that.
ED
Two people do. Orson Welles and me.
NORMA
Wow.
ED
You know, you’re a very attractive
girl.
Norma blushes.
NORMA
My goodness, you’re embarrassing me.
ED
You shouldn’t be embarrassed by the
truth.
(he smoothly sits down)
Mind if I order some hotcakes…?
CUT TO:
INT. CRISWELL’S CADILLAC – NIGHT
Criswell and Paul drive at night. They’re dressed-up. SWING
MUSIC plays on the radio.
CRISWELL
So who’s the surprise for?
PAUL MARCO
I dunno. Ed was real mysterious.
All he’d say was it’s a surprise
party.
CRISWELL
Isn’t that like him!
(beat)
And isn’t that like us — that we
show up anyway.
They pull up to a GUARD GATE. They’re at a studio.
CRISWELL
Excuse me. We’re here for the Wood
party.
GUARD
They’ve rented Stage 12. Drive
straight back.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – NIGHT
There is another rambunctious party in progress. Crepe paper
streamers hang down. Bela approaches Tor.
BELA
So what are we doing here?
TOR
Nobody knows. But there’s a lotta
booze.
Suddenly Ed steps into the middle of the room. He’s extremely
handsome in his tuxedo, and beaming happily.
ED
Excuse me! Could everyone please
quiet down?
(the room quiets)
First of all, I want to thank you,
all my good friends, for being here
tonight. And second, if you’re
wondering what the big surprise is…
well, TONIGHT I’M GETTING MARRIED!!
The crowd is stunned.
Many people DROP their glasses.
Ed proudly pulls out Norma. She’s in a wedding gown.
ED
Everybody, this is Norma!
ON BELA AND TOR
They’re bewildered. Bela WHISPERS.
BELA
Who the fuck is she??
TOR
I never heard of her.
Ed walks over. He hugs Bela.
ED
And Bela, I want you to be the best
man!
Bela smiles — trying to hide his total confusion.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER
The wedding is in progress. The crowd is seated. A MINISTER
performs the ceremony with Ed and Norma.
MINISTER
…Norma, do you promise to love,
honor, and cherish…
IN THE CROWD
Everybody is QUIETLY GOSSIPING.
BUNNY
I didn’t even know he had a
girlfriend.
PAUL MARCO
(he taps him on the shoulder)
I hear she’s an actress who gave him
money.
CONRAD
Nah, I heard she’s his childhood
sweetheart from Poughkeepsie.
CRISWELL
I predict it’s Dolores in a mask.
AT THE ALTAR
The Minister is speaking to Ed.
MINISTER
…in sickness and in health, till
death do you part?
ED
I do.
MINISTER
(he smiles)
Then I now pronounce you man and
wife.
Ed kisses Norma.
The crowd doesn’t applaud. They’re too baffled by this whole
event.
DISSOLVE TO:
THE RECEPTION
Everyone’s drinking and dancing. Ed proudly introduces Norma
to his buddies.
ED
Norma, this is Bela — Bela, this is
Norma. Norma, this is Tor — Tor,
this is Norma. Norma, this is Paul
Paul, this is Norma.
PAUL MARCO
(he can’t resist)
So how long have you known Eddie?
NORMA
(sweetly)
Since Tuesday.
Criswell grabs Ed and pulls him aside.
CRISWELL
Edward, are you sure you know what
you’re doing?
ED
Yeah. It seems a little crazy, but
sometimes you just know. She’s
perfect for me.
Outside, a car HONKS.
ED
Oop, that’s our cue!
(to Norma)
Honey, we gotta go. GOODBYE,
EVERYBODY!
Ed and Norma run out the door. The crowd hurries after them.
OUTSIDE
Ed and Norma jump into his Nash. It says “Just Married” and is
festooned with dangling tin cans. The car screeches away. The
cans RATTLE NOISILY, then slowly fade into the distance…
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL – NIGHT
We’re at a desert roadside motel, the San Bernardino Arms. A
“Vacancy” light flashes.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – SAME TIME
Ed excitedly carries Norma over the threshold. He throws her
onto the bed, and they start ardently making out.
NORMA
Eddie, I’m just a small-town girl.
I’ve never done this before.
ED
(kissing her)
Don’t worry, I’ll teach you.
He helps her remove her wedding dress. She is very shy.
NORMA
Be understanding. I don’t know
anything.
Ed removes his jacket, then gestures to his shirt. Norma
nervously starts unbuttoning it.
Ed bites his lip in anticipation.
Norma opens the shirt… and inside, Ed is wearing a bra!
Norma is horrified.
NORMA
What the heck is THIS?!!
ED
Honey, I have a little secret to
share with you.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL – SAME TIME
There’s a loud woman’s SCREAM.
Then the door slams open, and Norma runs hysterically out,
clutching her dress about her.
NORMA
Stay away from me! You’re perverted!
Ed runs out after her.
ED
Please, be compassionate. I’m your
husband!
NORMA
No you’re not! This marriage was
never consummated. I’m getting an
annulment!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS – LATE NIGHT
Ed drives sadly through the streets, alone. His car still says
“Just Married,” and the tin cans RATTLE behind him.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA’S HOUSE – LATE NIGHT
Ed’s car pulls up. Ed stumbles out, yanks off the tin cans,
and throws them in someone’s trash.
Ed despondently approaches Bela’s. Inside, a light glows, and
the dogs BARK.
Ed is relieved. Bela’s awake. He BANGS on the door.
ED
Bela, let me in! Bela, it’s Eddie.
He keeps BANGING. Finally the door opens — and Bela stands
there, shakily waving a gun! Bela is doped up, glassy-eyed,
and disturbingly haggard.
BELA
Why are you here??
ED
Shit! Bela, what’s with the gun?
BELA
Why aren’t you on your honeymoon?
Where’s Myrna?
ED
Norma. She changed her mind. She
doesn’t wanna marry me.
(beat)
Can you put down the gun?
Bela weakly lowers the gun.
INT. BELA’S
Ed walks in, in a near-stupor. Needles and drug paraphernalia
are scattered about
ED
What are you doing?
BELA
I was thinking about killing myself.
ED
Jesus Christ, what an evening.
(he looks around)
What happened?
BELA
(near tears)
Eddie, I received a letter from the
government. They’re cutting off my
unemployment. That’s all I’ve got.
Without it, I can’t pay the rent…
ED
Don’t you have any savings?
BELA
I’m obsolete. I have nothing to live
for. Tonight, I should die.
(distraught)
And you should come with me.
Frail Bela points the gun at Ed. Ed is terrified.
ED
Buddy, I don’t know if that’s such
a good idea.
BELA
It’ll be wonderful. We’ll be at
peace. In the afterlife, you don’t
have to worry about finding work.
ED
Bela, I’m on your side. C’mon, give
me the gun…
(he cautiously steps forward)
If you give me the gun, I’ll make you
a drink. What are you drinking?
BELA
Formaldehyde.
Ed stares in anguish.
ED
Straight up or on the rocks?
Bela drops the gun. He starts weeping.
Ed walks over and hugs the shaking old man.
ED
Don’t worry.
BELA
I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m so sorry.
ED
Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be
all right.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed’s car pulls up at the South Metropolitan State Hospital.
It’s a grim, unwelcoming edifice.
Ed helps weak Bela from the car. They look at each other, then
Ed gingerly leads Bela in.
INT. HOSPITAL – SAME TIME
The lobby is clammy and dim. Ed and Bela reach the desk. A
NURSE looks up, startled.
NURSE
My goodness, you gave me the willies.
You look like that Dracula guy.
BELA
(very somber)
My name is Bela Lugosi. I wish to
commit myself.
NURSE
For what reason?
BELA
I have been a drug addict for twenty
years. I need help…
The nurse nods. She takes Bela’s arm and leads him away. Bela
glances at Ed, then steps through a wide door. As it swings
shut, we see a DOCTOR walk over and shake Bela’s hand.
Ed stares at the door, dazed by all that’s happened. He sits
down in a chair, exhausted.
Ed’s eyes slowly close, and he falls asleep…
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL – MORNING
Ed is still asleep, but now sunlight beats in.
Ed stirs and wakes up. He groggily looks around, and sitting
across from him is a woman, knitting. This is KATHY O’HARA,
26, solid, reflective, with a dry sense of humor. Ed peers at
her.
ED
Hello.
KATHY
Hello.
(beat)
You’re sleeping in a tuxedo.
ED
I got married last night.
KATHY
Oh. Congratulations.
ED
The marriage already ended.
KATHY
Oh. My condolences.
Ed watches her knit.
ED
What are you making?
KATHY
Booties for my father. He gets cold
in this hospital.
ED
How long’s he been here?
KATHY
This is my thirteenth pair.
Ed nods. He spots the Doctor walk by.
ED
Excuse me.
(he runs to the Doctor)
Doctor? I’m with Mr. Lugosi. How
is he?
DOCTOR
Well… there’s a lot of junk in his
system for such an old man.
Apparently, he was addicted to
morphine, tried to kick it, and got
re-addicted to methadone.
ED
Will he be okay?
DOCTOR
We’ll do our best.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We are outside Bela’s room. He can be glimpsed inside,
strapped to the bed and SCREAMING in pain. He is going through
painful withdrawal and shakes horribly.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY – ANOTHER DAY
Ed strides into the hospital, wearing different clothes, and
carrying a box of chocolates. He waves at the nurse.
ED
Hi, Lillian.
NURSE
(she smiles)
Hi, Ed. Boy, he’s got a lot of
visitors today.
ED
He does?
Ed is puzzled. He hurries back.
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
A crowd of NEWSPAPER REPORTERS and PHOTOGRAPHERS overflow
Bela’s room. Ed is astonished.
ED
What’s going on here?! Excuse me!
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Decrepit Bela is propped up in his bed, as the mob of reporters
throw questions at hit and SNAP shots: “Bela, how long have you
been a junkie??” “Bela, look this way!”
Ed angrily pushes through.
ED
Everybody out! This is a hospital!
Get out of here.
Ed forces them out, then SLAMS the door.
ED
What happened?!
BELA
(in a hoarse whisper)
Isn’t it wonderful? After all these
years, the press is showing an
interest again in Bela Lugosi.
