Josephine
When I was a kid we used to call it Le Mortoir.
Vianne
Oh.
Josephine
It’s a nursing home for old… It’s in Toulouse.
Armande
Caroline loves the thought of a nurse with a clipboard recording my bowel movements.
Anouska
Mama, Mama, come quick! They’re here! They’ve come to Lansquenet!
Vianne
Slow down, Anouk. Who’s here?
Anouska
Pirates!
Mme Marceau
Come on.
Dedou
Why can’t we stay?
Mme Marceau
Come on!
Dedou
But why can’t we stay?
Mme Marceau
Okay, enough.
Didi
But, Mama, just a little bit.
Mme Marceau
Come on.
Vianne
Hello. How are you?
Anouska
Anybody got a sweet tooth? I bet he’s the captain.
Vianne
Anouk, don’t do that. Anouk, don’t do that, please.
Roux
How do you do?
Vianne
Sorry.
Roux
I’d like to apologise. For all of us. Sincerely.
Vianne
What for?
Roux
For whatever it is you’re here to accuse us of.
Vianne
Oh. And why would I do that?
Roux
Well, because we river rats are the dregs of society. With horrible diseases and criminal impulses.
Vianne
Sounds terrifying. Is it true?
Roux
It’s what you townspeople always seem to think, isn’t it?
Vianne
Oh. This is not my town. Sorry.
Roux
Well then, what do you want? Are you here to save us? Are you the Catholic Aid Society? French Family League? Communist Workers? Which idea are you selling?
Anouska
Chocolate.
Roux
I’m sorry, chocolate?
Anouska
What’s a river rat? Is it like a pirate?
Roux
Yeah, you could say that. You could. Have a look at my treasure chest.
Vianne
Let me guess, they’re for sale.
Roux
As a matter of fact, they are. For a mere thirty francs apiece. You laugh? I can get fifty for them in Paris.
Vianne
Then go to Paris. We’ll take two, please.
Roux
You’ll take two?
Vianne
Yes, please, absolutely.
Roux
Okay.
Vianne
I don’t know if I have the right change. Just a minute.
Anouska
They’re beautiful.
Roux
Ireland’s finest.
Vianne
Thanks.
Roux
Thank you. Listen… I should probably warn you. You make friends with us, you’ll make enemies of others.
Vianne
That a promise?
Roux
It’s a guarantee.
Man
What’s he up to? Maybe he’s joining the circus.
Josephine
Sorry, we’re closed!
Serge
Josephine, you look different.
Josephine
So do you.
Serge
I just want to tell you that I am so sorry. For everything. But I’ve changed. You see, God has made me a new man. I ask you, I… I beg you, please accept my apology.
Josephine
I accept.
Serge
I promise, from now on, everything will be different.
Josephine
Everything already is different, Serge.
Serge
Well, I mean, when you come home.
Josephine
Home? Thanks for the apology. The flowers are, lovely.
Serge
No, please don’t, Josephine. We are still married in the eyes of God.
Josephine
Then he must be blind.
Council Chairman
The council has no legal authority to force them to move. The riverbank is public land. The mayor wishes to say a few words.
Comte de Reynaud
If I may, ladies and gentlemen of the council. These people are rootless, Godless drifters.
Townspeople
That’s right!
Comte de Reynaud
Their’s is they way of slovenly pleasure. They would contaminate the spirit of our quiet town. The innocence of our children. Now, the chairman of the council is quite right. We cannot force them to leave.
Man
Why not?
Comte de Reynaud
But we can help them to understand… that they are not welcome.
Serge
Josephine? Josephine, you think you can just walk out on me?! You stupid woman! Worthless cow! You’re nothing without me. You can’t even use a skillet! Can’t even put a… goddamn meal on the table.
Josephine
He’s inside. He’s here. Oh, God.
Serge
Josephine, I need to talk to you. Please open the door. I know you…
Anouska
Mama!
Vianne
Come on, help me!
Serge
Open the door. Open the door. I just want to talk to you.
Josephine
Go sleep it off, Serge!
Serge
Ah, you shut up, you bitch! You’ve caused enough trouble already! You… Open this door!
Anouska
Mama!
Josephine
Oh, my God!
Serge
Stay away from me. Come here now!
Josephine
Aaah!
Serge
You, you meddling bitch! You…
Josephine
Who says I can’t use a skillet?
Comte de Reynaud
Wonderful. Come on. Up, Serge. Come on. Come on.
Armande
His skull can’t be as thick as we thought.
Vianne
It was like swatting a fly.
Armande
Oh. The worst is over. He found out what you’re made of.
Josephine
So did I.
Luc
Hi.
Vianne
Hey.
Armande
How long have we got?
Luc
She’s at the hairdresser for an hour.
Mme Clairmont
Fuffi? Fuffi. I’m so sorry, but I have to break the appointment.
Mme Drou
Is something wrong?
Mme Clairmont
No. I volunteered to distribute these. I promised the Comte I’d have them out by the end of the day.
Mme Drou
Count me in. Not that I expect any of them to stop by for a hairstyle.
Mme Clairmont
It’s not just that. The Comte feels we must stand firm. We cannot trust these people. Before you know it, they’ll be doing jobs for food. They’ll be begging at our doors.
Mme Drou
Not at this door.
Mme Clairmont
Good, Fuffi, good.
Armande
Rub, rub. Rub harder. Rub. Rub, rub.
Man
Bonjour.
Mme Clairmont
Bonjour.
Armande
Rub it. Hard. Keep your head still. Aha!
Vianne
Bravo!
Armande
Hello, Caroline. If you want to blame someone, blame me… corrupting him with cocoa.
Mme Clairmont
Oh, how dare you, Mother?
Armande
He’s happy. He’s fine. Look at him.
Luc
Mama, I…
Mme Clairmont
Well, what about you, Mother? Are you fine? I bet she has conveniently forgotten to tell you.
Armande
Carol.
Mme Clairmont
Why don’t you show them, Mother? Are you afraid to?
Armande
Ah!
Mme Clairmont
Why don’t you show? Insulin shots. She has diabetes… very advanced. She could be blind within a year.
Armande
Yeah. Couldn’t you call me a drug addict? It sounds a lot more glamorous.
Mme Clairmont
And you… you, you sit here feeding her sweets.
Armande
There are worse ways to die.
Mme Clairmont
Why don’t you just give her rat poison? It would be faster.
Armande
Carol has a flair for drama.
Mme Clairmont
She needs to be in a place where she can be taken care of.
Armande
Me Mortoir?! I’d rather be in hell.
Mme Clairmont
You may get there, Mother. Luc, come with me.
Luc
I don’t want to.
Josephine
He, he’s, he’s happy here. It’s good for him.
Mme Clairmont
I will decide what is good for my son, Madame Muscat.
Armande
Give me another. It’s my life. Let me enjoy what’s left of it. Fill ‘er up.
Vianne
Armande, why didn’t you tell me?
Armande
Is this a chocolaterie, or is it a confessional? Don’t you dare pity me.
Serge
Sorry, we’re closed.
Roux
She just wants a soda water.
Serge
I don’t serve animals.
Roux
Right.
Vianne
Hello. I just made a fresh batch of monduon. Anybody interested?
Girl
My tummy hurts.
Vianne
Oh? I’ve got just the thing for that. Come in.
Roux
What about boycotting immorality, then?
Vianne
Come in. An old remedy. From the cocoa tree.
Girl
Tastes strange.
Vianne
Mmm. Maybe your daddy would like a taste?
Girl
He’s not my daddy. He’s my pony.
Anouska
Here. It’s a lot better than those leaves.
Girl
Tastes good.
Anouska
Come on. Pantoufle wants to meet you. He’s my kangaroo.
Vianne
Go ahead. It’s your favourite.
Roux
What makes you so sure?
Vianne
Go on. Taste it.
Roux
That’s fantastic.
Vianne
Oh, thanks. I have a knack for guessing.
Roux
It’s good. Not my favourite.
Vianne
Sorry?
Roux
All right. Thanks very much. You know, I could fix that, if you like. Not with glass, but… I can make you a nice strong one out of wood.
Vianne
That’s nice of you… but I insist on paying you for your work.
Roux
Well, that makes two of us, then. Bye. Thanks again.
Comte de Reynaud
She’s laughing at us. Now she’s got one of those river people working for her.
Pere Henri
Is that a problem? After all, Christ teaches us…
Comte de Reynaud
Look at this. She’s soliciting for stalls and street performers for a fertility celebration on Easter Sunday. She’s cackling at us. When are you going to do something about it? Oh, there.
Roux
What part of Australia is Pantoufle from?
Anouska
A small town, outside of Sydney.
Roux
What does he eat?
Anouska
Leaves, bugs… and worms, of course.
Roux
What about chocolate?
Anouska
Kangaroos don’t eat chocolate.
Roux
Has he ever tried it?
Anouska
Have you ever tried chocolate? He’s not interested.
Roux
Not interested? Mr Pantoufle, you surprise me. A world traveler such as yourself not interested in new flavours? You should be ashamed.
Josephine
I have a very nice truffle here, if he wants to try it.
Anouska
You’re wasting your time.
Josephine
Oh, I’m sorry.
Roux
How do you know you don’t like chocolate if you refuse to try it?
Anouska
Do you like worms?
Roux
What?
Anouska
How do you know if you’ve never tried one? Ugh!
Roux
Subtle. Zesty. Disgusting. Go on, my little friend. Be free.
Anouska
You tricked me.
Pere Henri
Satan… wears many guises. At times, Satan is the singer of a lurid song you hear on the radio. At times, the author of a salacious novel. At times, the quiet man lurking in the schoolyard… asking your children, if he might join their game. And at times, the maker of sweet things… mere trifles. For what could seem more harmless… more innocent… than chocolate?
Roux
A bit of a squeak.
Vianne
Hey, Guillaume! I’ve got something new Charly’s gonna love.
Monsieur Blerot
Come on, Charly. Come on.
Roux
It’s me. I should go.
Vianne
No, it’s not you. Where have you been? I was worried. Hey! I’m talking to you.
Anouska
It’s just like all the other towns.
Vianne
Anouk. Anouk. Just tell me what happened.
Anouska
Are you Satan’s helper?
Vianne
Well, it’s, it’s not easy being different.
Anouska
Why can’t we go to church?
Vianne
Well, you can if you want, but, but it won’t make things easier.
Anouska
Why can’t you wear black shoes like the other mothers?
Armande
He’s a fine piece of work, out little nobleman. No wonder his wife goes gallivanting off. She’s been in Italy for months. Did you know that?
Vianne
Armande, the whole town’s against me. What can I do?
Armande
Throw me a party.
Vianne
What?
Armande
Wednesday’s my seventieth. Let’s show the bastards we’re ready to go down dancing.
Vianne
But a party? You’re not well. You have to face it.
Armande
Okay, okay, okay… But you do this for me, and I promise… I’ll check into Le Mortoir the very next morning without a care in the world.
Vianne
If I threw a party in this town, no one would come.
Armande
They don’t need to know who’s throwing it.
Vianne
Armande, listen, I…
Armande
No, no, no. You listen. I need this. Huh? When I need help, I ask for it.
Woman
Boys, bring me some more wood.
Vianne
My mother used to sing that song… when I couldn’t sleep.
Roux
And did it help?
Vianne
I still didn’t sleep, but, yes, yes it helped.
Roux
How’s the door?
Vianne
It squeaks.
Roux
Does it? How’s Anouk? Is she well?
Vianne
Oh, she’s better. She’s fine.
Roux
Good. How are you?
Vianne
I’m, throwing a party… If anyone shows up.
Roux
Thanks. Who’s invited?
Vianne
A bunch of townspeople.
Roux
Tell me something. Why do you give a damn about what these narrow-minded villagers think? You’re not scared of them, are you?
Vianne
Coming to the party or not?
Roux
I can’t. There’s a boycott against immorality and, I must respect that.
Vianne
That is a problem. Well, then, I’ll leave you with this test of your convictions.
Roux
What is that?
Vianne
Your favourite.
Roux
My favourite?
Vianne
Hm-mm.
Roux
Is that right? Thank you.
Vianne
You’re welcome.
Roux
I’m undone… but not my favourite.
Vianne
Hmm.
Roux
I’ll come round sometime, get that squeak out of your door.
Josephine
A lot for you. You see? It’s perfect.
Vianne
Bon appetite, everyone.
Monsieur Marceau
If the Comte finds out…
Armande
The Comte isn’t here. He wasn’t invited.
