Transcript written by and used with the courtesey of Angela Sugden
Randy
So we’re planning our next vacation, right. I want Australia, she wants Italy. I like, snorkeling. She likes garlic. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me, do I need her? Jesus Benny, what kind of a question is that? I mean need, what does it really mean to need somebody?
Eric
Benny, fuel line.
Benny
Hey, Waldo, could you answer that phone?
Waldo
Yeah, hello?
Postman
I need a cheque, Benny, C.O.D.
Benny
In a minute, meet me in the office.
Postman
All right.
Benny
Whoa, put that out, put that out, put that out. I got a fuel line broke.
Waldo
Hey, Benny, Joon’s on the phone again.
Benny
Well tell her I’ll call her back. Find out what she wants.
Waldo
It’s an emergency. She says you’re running low on peanut butter super chunks.
Benny
An emergency. . . All right, the issue is jelly, you only like two kinds. You either like grape or poison berry, which? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter, I know, super crunch, all right. I’ll see you at six, okay. Bye. Hi. Thanks for waiting, ma’am. Erm, I’m afraid the best we can do for you is going to be, erm, seven-fifty. But I think if you check around you’ll see that that is a really good deal.
Woman
Yeah?
Eric
That is a real very good deal, ma’am. A little too good. . .
Woman
Let’s do it.
Joon
You’re not doing your job! What is your job anyway?
Mrs Smail
My job is to clean this house, but I’m not doing it any more!
Joon
Get out of my sight!
Mrs Smail
You wouldn’t dare, Joon!
Benny
What is going on here? Joon! Mrs Smail! Mrs Smail, please.
Mrs Smail
Beware, the winds of reason shall blow stern.
Benny
What?
Mrs Smail
I’m done, Mr Pearl, I’m done! The mule’s turned to glue, she wanders off unescorted. She has sudden outbursts. She is simply unmanageable.
Benny
Mrs Smail! Please, wait, please. Let me talk to her. I can talk to her, you can’t quit on such short notice.
Mrs Smail
Oh, I’m sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a saying, when a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken.
Erin (phone)
Oh, come on! You have to come, we can’t play three in a poker game.
Benny
Listen, she’s going to be alone every day until I find another housekeeper, I’m not leaving her alone at night too.
Eric (phone)
Listen, bring her, what’s she going to do? She paints and she reads.
Benny
Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire.
Eric (phone)
That happened once. Look I got a fire extinguisher, just bring her.
Eric
Now get your ass over here, and don’t forget the Louis Pring record you owe me. Remember, always play for keeps. Right?
Benny
All right, all right, all right, yeah, I’ll be there. Okay. Joon, dinner! Spaghetti and salad?
Joon
In that order?
Benny
What happened between you and Mrs Smail?
Joon
She was given to fits of semi-precious metaphors.
Benny
The woman is a housekeeper, Joon, not an English professor.
Joon
She moves things.
Benny
She said you wandered off. Did you leave the house alone?
Joon
Define alone.
Benny
You know full well what I’m talking about. Listen, while I’m at work I can’t be worried about whether or not you’re knocking another housekeeper into retirement. First it was Mrs Larksburg.
Joon
A woman deeply and hygienically disturbed. Her hair smelled.
Benny
But then it was Mrs Piltz.
Joon
Piltz? The answer’s in the question. Let’s face it, Benjamin, hiring housekeepers is not your forte.
Benny
Oh yeah? Well until I do find another housekeeper, you are going to stick close to the house. Understand? Now have some salad. Oh by the way, I want you to come with me to my poker game.
Joon
Benny. . .
Benny
Come on, you’ll have a good time.
Man
Erm, web belt and buckle.
Mike
Classical Greek martini shaker.
Benny
Six turkey-feather darts.
Thomas
I’ll see you with the Diana Durban album.
Benny
Come on.
Thomas
And I’ll raise you with the stethoscope.
Mike
Does it have little, er, plastic earpieces on the end?
Thomas
What do you care? You never win, Mike!
Mike
Well if I do, I don’t want them, stabbing my eardrums. Steering wheel knob.
Eric
Salad shooter.
Benny
Fifty-six Plymouth tyre iron.
Thomas
Foldo.
Mike
Well you must have a good hand, huh?
Benny
No, I’m bluffing.
Mike
Really?
Benny
Come on, you got to play to find out, come on.
Mike
Okay, a hundred and fifty feet of coaxial cable. Show them.
Benny
Full house, Jacks over fours.
Eric
Oh shit.
Mike
I thought he was bluffing.
Thomas
Will someone get some air to his brain? He was bluffing about bluffing Mike.
Mike
You’re a real pal, Benny. I tell you what, I got a solution to your housekeeper problem, you can have my room-mate.
Joon
Oh, that’s a terrific offer Benjamin. Save you from the wretched chore of Smail shopping. Those places are such drudgery, aren’t they? Montgomery and Smail, Smails and Roebuck, Smails ‘r’ Us. . .
Benny
Joon. You got a room-mate? When did you get a room-mate?
Mike
Since last week. My cousin pounded into town and my life’s gone from heaven to hell in seven days.
Thomas
Just like the good Lord intended.
Mike
Yeah, twenty-six years old, he can’t even read. He spends all day polishing my plastic forks.
Eric
When you say he can’t read, what do you mean? Like words?
Mike
Yeah, and he keeps me up all night watching stupid old movies. My work’s starting to suffer.
Joon
You install cable TV.
Benny
Joon, will you please glue your sequins.
Joon
Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?
Benny
All right, can we make this the last hand? Come on, come on, play cards.
Eric
Two tickets, tomorrow nights baseball game.
Benny
One Pocket Fisherman.
Thomas
Fold.
Benny
Do you ever stay in?
Mike
Snorkel mask.
Social Worker
She really knows how to rattle the day help.
Benny
You know, I think we need to find someone more understanding than Mrs Smail.
Social Worker
Now tell you something. How are you two getting along?
Benny
Us? Fine, normal, you know, fine. Why?
Social Worker
I’ll level with you. I think it’s time you gave some serious consideration to a group home.
Benny
She already has a home.
Social Worker
Benny, she’d be with her peers.
Benny
Yeah, she hates her peers. She has already quit two the day centres to prove it. Look, all we need right now is a new housekeeper.
Social Worker
Well I know of no one else. You’ve been up and down the list. Now you might want to entertain the possibility that there’s some people, more capable of handling these episodes than you. I am beginning to think that that you two living together may not be the best thing any more.
Benny
I’m her brother, and I’m her only family. And we’ve done just fine, the two of us for twelve years.
Social Worker
Yes, but her stress level is always a factor in her display of symptoms. Her agitation should be kept to a minimum.
Benny
Everybody gets agitated. Sometimes it’s the only option.
Social Worker
Benny, don’t get me wrong, I’m impressed how you’ve managed this long. But a group home would give her a chance to develop other relationships. Also, we don’t know this, but, what if she were capable of a part-time job? They’d encourage her in that direction. These are very nice places – nurturing, supportive.
Benny
I’m not farming her out.
Joon
I have every right to be outside officer. I have every right.
Police Officer
Yes, ma’am. May I see some ID please?
Benny
Hey, Waldo, did you start that brake job yet?
Waldo
Joon called. She says that you’ve run out of tapioca.
Benny
She what?
Waldo
Oh, and the police will corroborate.
Benny
Holy shit. Listen, Jack, you wanna go to the baseball game tonight?
Jack
Hey, thanks, Benny.
Benny
Box seats. Hello? Joon? Time for your meds, Joon. Good night, Steve. Oh, hello. How’s it going?
Woman
I appreciate the deal on the engine.
Benny
Oh yeah, no problem. Is it running all right?
Woman
Yeah, it’s running great.
Benny
Oh, good.
Woman
So, er, can I erm, can I make it up to you with some dinner?
Benny
Some dinner? Erm, you serious?
Woman
Yeah, dinner with you.
Benny
Erm, you know what, I can’t. I mean I’d like to, but. . .
Woman
Okay.
Benny
Okay.
Eric
Stupid. Stupid.
Benny
Eighteen, fifteen.
Joon
Seventeen, sixteen.
Benny
Eighteen, fifteen!
Joon
It caught the corner.
Benny
It was a foot off the table.
Joon
It was not.
Benny
Juniper.
Joon
Benjamin. Don’t underestimate the mentally ill, we know how to count.
Benny
Okay, fine, seventeen, sixteen.
Joon
You can’t give me what was already mine. You’re trying to cheat.
Benny
I’m not cheating.
Joon
You’re cheating.
Benny
Joon, I don’t cheat. You’re the one who’s cheating.
Joon
You’re all trying to cheat me, you’re trying to cheat me.
