The Hatter offers Alice a chair.
MAD HATTER
Have a chair.
THE DORMOUSE
There’s no room.
ALICE
There’s plenty of room.
Alice sits down in an empty chair. The Hare screams suddenly.
MARCH HARE
Not there! Can’t you see the
dishes are dirty? And there’s no
time to wash them! We’re already
late for tea! Move down! Move
down!
They all get up and move down one place. The Hatter holds the
chair for Alice again. He studies her.
MAD HATTER
You don’t look anything like
yourself.
And yet, there’s something very familiar about him.
ALICE
Have we met?
He smiles enigmatically.
CHESIRE CAT
Now I’ve brought Alice toyou,
you can’t say I’ve done nothing
for the cause.
MAD HATTER
(sarcastically)
Yes, thank you for the heroic
effort. We’ll take the rest
of revolution from here.
CHESIRE CAT
You’ll pardon me if I don’t give a
guddler’s scut who wears the crown.
The Red Queen has never bothered me.
The Hatter angrily slams his fist onto the table.
MAD HATTER
No matter that she’s enslaved
half the population!
CHESIRE CAT
I don’t know any of them personally.
MAD HATER
No matter that she stole the crown
from her sister!
CHESIRE CAT
The White Queen should have
put up a better fight.
MAD HATTER
No matter the Red Queen rules
with fear, terror and torture!
CHESIRE CAT
I fail to see what any of that
has to do with me.
MARCH HARE
He failed! He must be punished!
Shall we butter his ears?
The Hare picks up a butter knife.
The Hatter puts a hand on
his arm, speaking Outlandish.
MAD HATTER
Naughtier usel, Thackery. Chessur
being siurvish…
CHESIRE CAT
(insulted)
Si urvish!
MAD HATTER
You are, Chessur. You always
have been. You’ll never change.
CHESIRE CAT
And you’re always so angry, Tarrant.
I remember when you used to
enjoy life. You used to do the
best Futterwacken in all of Witzend.
The Hatter’s smile is brief andbittersweet.
MAD HATTER
On the Frabjous day, when the White
Queen wears the crown again. On
that day I’ll Futterwacken.
The Hatter and the Cat look at each other like
bitter,
estranged brothers.
CHESIRE CAT
Look after that arm, Alice.
He disappears. Alice turns to the others.
ALICE
I want you to know, right off.
I’m not slaying anything.
THE DORMOUSE
As if you could.
ALICE
There must be another way for
me to get back to where I came
from.
MAD HATTER
No other way. It’s slay the
Jabberwocky with the Vorpal
MAD HATTER (CONT.)
sword at Brillig on the Frabjous
Day.
ALICE
I’m not that Alice!
The Hare puts his hands on his ears and shouts.
MARCH HARE
Stop all the shouting! I
cannot abide the shouting!
He throws a teacup at her. She ducks to avoid it.
MAD HATTER
But you’re the only Alice
we’ve got. Without you, the
Resistance will fail.
The Hare/House taps March Hare on the shoulder again.
MARCH HARE
Red Knights!
Hatter takes a small bottle from his pocket.
MAD HATTER
Drink this.
ALICE
No I
They throw her down onto the table and force the liquid down
her throat. She gags and coughs then shrinks to three inches
high. They stuff her forceably into a teapot and cram her now
extremely over-large clothes in behind her. They cram and
cram.
ALICE
(muffled)
Stop!
They stop. Alice’s head emerges from the pot.
ALICE
You’re suffocating me with
my dress.
The March Hare picks up a sharp knife, wild-eyed.
MARCH HARE
We’ll hack it off!
He hacks most of her dress off and they stuff her back in.
The Hatter closes the lid.
MAD HATTER
Watch your head.
INT. THE TEAPOT – DAY
It’s dim inside, except for a stream of light from the spout.
She bangs on the lid.
ALICE
Let me out!
EXT. THE TEA PARTY – DAY – CaNT.
MAD HATTER
(to the Dormouse)
Gallymog-gers.
The Hatter does a headstand in his chair. The Dormouse climbs
into a soup tureen. The Hare lays on the table. The Bloodhound
runs in, nose to the ground, followed by Stayn and the
Knights.
MAD HATTER
Greetings, gentlemen-
KNAVE OF HEARTS
Well, if it’s not my favorite trio
of lunatics.
The Hare dips his pocket watch into his teacup and looks at
it.
MARCH HARE
You’re late for tea, as usual.
MAD HATTER
How fares the Red Queen? Or is it
White? Who ia sittingon the
throne these days?
KNAVE OF HEARTS
We’re looking for the girl
called Alice.
The Bloodhound sniffs the ground around the table. The
Dormouse pretends to sleep but keeps one eye on him.
MARCH HARE
Speaking of the Queen, here’s a
song I sang at her concert:
Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat!
How I wonder where your at!
Alice looks out the spout as Stayn grab him around the throat,
choking off the song.
KNAVE OF HEARTS
The Alice! Have you seen her?
MAD HATTER
Before we answer that, you’ll have
to answer a riddle.
MARCH HARE
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
MAD HATTER
That’s a good one. Answer that
if you can.
Red Knight Number Two cracks him with the end of his weapon,
knocking him of f the chair.
KNAVE OF HEARTS
Have you seen her?
The Hatter climbs back up.
MAD HATTER
Have you guessed the riddle?
Number Two cracks him again. To keep his anger in check, the
Hatter laughs crazily. The March Hare joins him.
RED KNIGHT #2
(to Dormouse)
You there. Wake upl
He pours a cup of hot tea onto her head. She gasps and
sputters.
THE DORMOUSE
Thank you. That’s just what I
needed.
She yawns and falls back to sleep. Stayn is getting
frustrated.
KNAVE OF HEARTS
If you are hiding an enemy of the
Queen, you’ll lose your heads.
MARCH HARE
Already lost them. Sing together
now 1
HARE/HATTER/DORMOUSE
Up Above the World you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky
The Knight hits the Hatter again. Stayn chokes the Hare.
Knight Number Three forces Dormouse’s head into a full
cup of
tea then brings her up, gasping and dripping.
KNAVE OF HEARTS
Where is the 9irl Alice?
They keep singing despite being
hit, choked and dunked.
HARE/HATTER/DORMOUSE
Twinkle, Twinkle, Twinkle…!
The Bloodhound rears up and and plants its paws on the table,
sniffing the teacups…getting closer to Alice’s teapot.
INT. THE TEAPOT – ALICE’SPOV
Alice can see his big nose sniffing at the spout.
EXT. THE TEA PARTY
The Hatter watches the Bloodhound nervously. He whispers.
MAD HATTER
Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid.
