JOHNNY-DEPP.org

Gilbert

No, no.

Tucker

They probably don’t sell it at Lamson Grocery.

Gilbert

No.

Tucker

It’s cutting edge. It creates a crispier French fry and. . .

Bobby

Well, that’s. . .

Tucker

And, er, a more unique product. And Burger Barn. . . Forget Wendy’s, forget Burger King, forget McDonalds, that’s like, old hat.
Burger Barn is cutting edge. I mean, I, I could really stand behind it. It, it’s an innovative place. You know, they created the salad bar, which is
now mimicked by every single fast-food chain in America.

Bobby

Yeah.

Tucker

They came up with that. Fifteen different toppings for each salad and two different kinds of lettuce. And there’s, you know, all that you care to eat.

Bobby

Yeah.

Tucker

You either go from clerk to fry cook to cook to assistant manager, or you can go from clerk to cashier captain to assistant manager. And then from
assistant manager you could go to manager, and then regional manager and then. . .

Mr Lamson

Look at the little fellas.

Arnie

My hoppers.

Mr Lamson

Let’s try this.

Arnie

My friend.

Mr Lamson

There you go, my boy.

Gilbert

What do you say, Arnie?

Arnie

Ah, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mrs Carver

Gilbert. This Thursday. It’s our anniversary.

Gilbert

Okay.

Becky

Hello.

Mrs Carver

Gilbert. I’ll need a delivery later.

Mr Lamson

Have a nice day. Gilbert. Gilbert.

Becky

He’s behind the chips.

Mr Lamson

Delivery, son.

Gilbert

Excuse me?

Mr Lamson

Delivery. She’s gonna be needing some help.

Gilbert

Yes, sir.

Arnie

Is that your bike?

Becky

Yeah.

Arnie

I’ll do it, Gilbert, I’ll do it.

Gilbert

Here, wait a second.

Arnie

I got it. I did it, huh?

Tucker

Look there.

Arnie

I did it by myself.

Bobby

Yeah. Look at that.

Arnie

I could go at any time.

Gilbert

Ssh. Arnie. No.

Arnie

Any time.

Gilbert

Excuse me. Where to?

Becky

Oh, just keep going straight.

Gilbert

All right.

Arnie

My almost, my almost become, become eighteen and I’m having a big. . . a big party, huh, Gilbert?

Gilbert

Yup.

Arnie

When is that party coming?

Gilbert

Six days.

Arnie

Six days to my party and I’m come eighteen. I’m eighteen and you’re not invited.

Gilbert

Arnie. Don’t be rude.

Becky

Oh, it’s okay. He’s just being honest. I don’t mind.

Arnie

I, I got the groceries.

Gilbert

All right, be careful with them.

Arnie

The groceries. I got ’em, okay?

Gilbert

Okay. Oh, no, Arnie.

Arnie

Oh, no.

Gilbert

Shit. Sorry. Really sorry.

Becky

It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

Gilbert

No, no, I’m really. . . I’m really sorry. This is. . .

Becky

It’s okay.

Gilbert

I’m sorry.

Becky

Don’t be sorry. Are you sorry?

Arnie

Mm-mm.

Becky

No. I’m not sorry. He’s not sorry. We’re not sorry. Don’t be sorry.

Arnie

I’m not sorry.

Amy

So I think if we’re gonna have people come that early we should have appetisers.

Momma

Oh, yeah, that’d be good. You know those little tiny sausage things. And put ’em in grape jelly and ketchup and make a sauce.

Amy

I was thinking. . .

Arnie

I want hot dogs, Mom.

Ellen

How ’bout pretzels?

Amy

. . .you know, like those Hawaiian appetizers. . . that they make with. . . you get pineapple chunks out of a can and you wrap them with little
pieces of bacon and you push a toothpick through ’em.

Momma

How do you cook the bacon?

Amy

In the oven, on a pan.

Momma

But the bacon’s not gonna be crisp if u bake it in the oven on a sheet.

Amy

Yes, it will.

Momma

And nobody wants greasy. . .

Arnie

I want hot dogs.

Amy

No, you. . . you soak ’em. . .

Momma

. . .floppy bacon.

Arnie

Momma, I want hot dogs.

Amy

Oh, Arnie.

Momma

We’re gonna have hot dogs, honey. I promise. We’re gonna have hot dogs.

Arnie

Wa. . . I want hot dogs.

Ellen

The thing about hot dogs. . . I mean, every party that I’ve been to. . .

Gilbert

Ellen. Ellen.

Ellen

What?

Gilbert

Could you not talk with your mouth full?

Ellen

Excuse me?

Gilbert

You’re making me sick. I’m gonna throw up.

Ellen

Oh. Okay, Dad.

Momma

Ellen.

Ellen

Sure thing, Dad.

Amy

Will you two cut it out?

Arnie

Okay, Dad. Sure thing, Dad.

Gilbert

That’s nice.

Amy

Stop it, you guys.

Gilbert

Dad’s dead, Ellen.

Momma

Gilbert!

Amy

Gilbert.

Momma

I can’t believe you said that.

Amy

Shut up.

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Amy

Arnie.

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Amy

Arnie, ssh. Arnie.

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Amy

It’s okay.

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Amy

Stop it now!

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Momma

Oh, God.

Arnie

Dad’s dead!

Amy

Arnie. Stop it.

Arnie

Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead!

Amy

Momma, don’t get upset.

Arnie

Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead!

Momma

Amy, make him stop.

Arnie

Dad’s dead.

Ellen

Arnie, shut up!

Arnie

Dead, dead, dead, dead!

Ellen

You’re crazy, Arnie.

Amy

Arnie.

Arnie

Dead! Dead, dead, dead, dead!

Gilbert

Arnie. Ssh, ssh.

Amy

Arnie. Calm down!

Momma

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Amy

That’s enough. Arnie, that’s enough.

Momma

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Amy

Arnie. Arnie, be quiet.

Momma

Stop it right now!

Arnie

Dad’s dead!

Momma

I said, stop it right now!

Gilbert

Amy. Amy.

Tucker

It should be two by ten’s or two by twelve’s. And the space between ’em here, is. . . should. . . right now it’s at two feet. And this should be
sixteen inches, I mean that’s just standard. And this right here. See this here? Flat flooring. I mean, flat flooring! It’s like once the wood
gets old you’re just gonna fall right through it.

Amy

Yeah, I guess Daddy wasn’t much of a carpenter.

Tucker

Hey, Gilbert, why did. . . why did he use two by six’s instead of two by. . . ?

Gilbert

Tucker.

Tucker

What?

Gilbert

Ssh. Keep it down.

Tucker

Sorry.

Gilbert

She’s coming. Hey, she’s coming. Ssh. Ssh. You all right? Okay?

Amy

Yeah, I’m fine.

Gilbert

Thanks a lot for coming.

Tucker

I’ll come by tomorrow with the wood. Just let’s keep it quiet. Oh, I forget to tell you.

Gilbert

What?

Tucker

Burger Barn. I’m in. I got the call.

Gilbert

Oh, oh, good.

Tucker

It’s not too late, you know. All right, see you.

Amy

I think she’s asleep.

Man (On TV)

Let’s say that you want to slice down zucchini squash for the electric food dehydrator. Look at this.

Woman (On TV)

Wonderful.

Man (On TV)

Perfect slicing each and every time. Is that nice?

Woman (On TV)

Marvelous.

Man (On TV)

Of course, if you know someone that can’t chew too well.

Woman (On TV)

Okay.

Man (On TV)

Taking corn off the cob. Look at this. We’ll just turn the dial down a little bit.

Woman (On TV)

. . .and sit there for hours with a knife. Literally hours, cutting her corn. Unbelievable.

Man (On TV)

‘Course. For und. . . . . . right now you get the hundred and. . .

Mamma

Gilbert, what are you doing? Give me that.

Gilbert

Sorry, Momma.

Momma

Jeez.

Man (On TV)

. . .the thirty dollar dial-o-matic food slicer. . .

Amy

Momma?

Momma

Mm-mm?

Amy

I made up that bed for you.

Momma

What for?

Amy

Well, just in case you wanted a change.

Momma

I’m happy right where I am.

Amy

You sure?

Momma

Yeah.

Gilbert

There you go.

Amy

There you go, Momma.

Momma

Thanks, kids.

Amy

Good night, Momma.

Momma

You’re so helpful.

Man (On TV)

. . .three easy credit card payments of only twenty dollars each. . .

Arnie

New ball.

Gilbert

Took her delivery.

Arnie

Fire!

Gilbert

We talked a little bit. And, er, that was it. I dropped her off.

Tucker

What’s she doing here?

Gilbert

She. . . I don’t know. She’s just sort of here. Their car broke down or something.

Tucker

Come on. You. . . I can see in your face that you like her.

Gilbert

Can we just not talk about this right now?

Tucker

Why not?

Gilbert

Let’s change the subject.

Mr Carver

. . .you understand?

Doug Carver

We want a pool.

Tucker

Okay. But you’re telling me later.

Gilbert

I’ll tell you everything later.

Bobby

Look at those guys out there.

Mr Carver

Gilbert.

Gilbert

Mm-hm.

Bobby

They’re laughing. They’re all happy and waving to their friends. But the next day, and this is the thing they don’t know, they could be. . .
lying on the slab. It’s kind of, uh. . . harsh. But it’s kind of fun, too.

Tucker

Do you ever, um. . . ?

Bobby

What?

Tucker

Um. . . Well, you know. . . Are you tempted like. . . to wanna fool around with the bodies?

Gilbert

Tucker, come on.

Tucker

No, I wanted to ask. I just wanted to ask. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.

Bobby

No, no. People are very curious about that. No, yeah, I, er. . . The worst thing that we do is we take the bodies, the grotesque ones, the
really. . . really ugly ones, and we make, make jokes about them, you know. Harmless jokes. Very harmless jokes, but we come up with some, some
very good, good jokes. . .

Mrs Carver

Come on, let’s go.

Bobby

. . .about them, my father and me. But, but, you know, they’re dead. And uh. . . you know, nobody can see that. Nobody hears anything.

Mrs Carver

Hi, boys.

Tucker

Hi.

Bobby

Hello, Mrs Carver.

Gilbert

Hi.

Bobby

These jokes don’t hurt anybody. Nobody even knows we make them.

Mr Carver

Gilbert, I’m waiting for your call.

Bobby

Oh, Mr Carver, er, I, I haven’t seen your mother in church lately. How’s she doing?

Mr Carver

Fine. She’s fine.

Bobby

Ah, thanks. Bye.

Tucker

He wants. . . he wants to kill you, right?

Bobby

Er, you prefer a bronze casket?

Tucker

Hey. Gilbert. Hey, can somebody give me a hand down here?

Gilbert

What?

Tucker

Somebody give me a hand with the wood?

Gilbert

Hey, Arnie.

Arnie

Huh?

Gilbert

You wanna go help Tucker?

Arnie

Uh-uh.

Gilbert

Arnie, go help Tucker in the basement. Arnie. Why don’t you go into the basement and. . .

Arnie

I don’t wanna go down there, Gilbert.

Gilbert

Please.

Arnie

No way, no way, no way. You. Go down there, Gilbert.

Tucker

Is there a problem? Gilbert. Hey.

Arnie

Dad’s in there. Whooo!

Gilbert

Ssh.

Arnie

Whoo!

Gilbert

Ssh.

Arnie

Dad’s in there.

Gilbert

Ssh.

Arnie

Arghh!

Gilbert

Arnie, shut up! Arnie. Shut up. Shut up. Come on. Arnie. It’s not funny. Get back here.

Tucker

Don’t worry. Now the two by six’s, you know, there’s six of ’em so. . . you know, those could hold anybody. I for. . . I forgot.

Gilbert

What?

Tucker

I forgot that that was where your dad. . .

Gilbert

Yep.

Tucker

I’m. . . I’m sorry.

Gilbert

No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

Ellen

No, Arnie, no.

Arnie

I wanna go up there.

Ellen

Arnie, you’re not. Arnie! Not again! Arnie, get down. Get down. Get down! You’re not going anywhere. It’s not too much fun, is it?

Arnie

I wanna go there. Ow!

Ellen

No! We’re going home! We’re going home.

Arnie

Ow!

Gilbert

Ellen, no! Stop it. I told you, don’t touch him.

Ellen

What am I supposed to do?

Gilbert

Don’t ever touch him again.

Ellen

He was climbing again.

Gilbert

I don’t care. Just get outta here. Just get outta here! Let me see, buddy. Come on, let me see. Let me see. Oh, great. You made him bleed.
Now, what does Gilbert say? That if anybody ever hits you, or even just lays a finger on you, what are you gonna do? Arnie? Hm? You’re gonna tell
me and then I’m gonna take care of it for you, right? And why will I take care of it?

Arnie

Gilbert.

Gilbert

Hm?

Arnie

‘Cos you’re Gilbert.

Gilbert

‘Cos I’m Gilbert. Because nobody hurts Arnie, right? Okay. Wanna pick out some candy?

Amy

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Gilbert

What do you want?

Amy

We’ve got to keep a closer eye on him.

Gilbert

What?

Amy

We’ve gotta do better. Are you listening to me?

Arnie

Mine.

Amy

And you. . .

Arnie

Huh?

Amy

You have to stay here. You stay right on this porch. You don’t go anywhere. Don’t go anywhere.

Arnie

Don’t go anywhere. We’re not going anywhere, Gilbert. We’re not going anywhere, you know. We’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere.
We’re not going. . . we’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere! Gilbert’s not going anywhere. We’re not
going anywhere! We’re not going anywhere. Where you going?

Mr Carver

Hey! I’m waiting. . . waiting for that call, Gilbert.

Becky

Hey! Hi, Gilbert. Oh, look, come here.

Gilbert

What?

Becky

It’s a praying mantis.

Gilbert

Oh.

Becky

You know how they mate? The male will sneak up on the female and she’ll bite off his head and the rest of his body’ll keep on mating. And then when
they’re done. . . she’ll eat him. She’ll eat the rest of him. Grandma, we have company. So do you wanna eat?

Grandma

Help yourself.

Gilbert

Oh, thank you. Wow.

Grandma

Well, we missed the rally in Des Moines. If we get on the road by Friday, we’ll make Colorado Springs in time to catch them. Have you ever been to
Colorado?

Gilbert

No, ma’am.

Grandma

Ah. It must be wonderful.

Gilbert

It must be incredibly frustrating then, to be stuck here in this place – in Endora.

Becky

This place is as good a place as any.

Grandma

Think so? Well, she should know. Becky’s been just about everywhere there is to go. Places I didn’t even know existed.

Becky

I’m a worldly kind of girl.

Grandma

Me, I spent most of my whole life in the same spot. Why doesn’t matter. Anyway she encouraged me to get out.

Becky

And now she can’t stay put anywhere.

Grandma

She’s the smartest, most beautiful girl in the world. Isn’t she? Isn’t she beautiful? Isn’t she beautiful?

Becky

I’m sorry. She has this thing with beauty that. . .

Gilbert

Oh, yeah, I noticed that.

Becky

I’m not into that, that whole external beauty thing, you know. ‘Cos it. . . it doesn’t last.

Gilbert

Right.

Becky

Your. . . you know, eventually your face is gonna get wrinkly and you’ll get gray hair.

Gilbert

Sure.

Becky

Your boobs might sag. You know. So what? It’s what you do that really matters.

Gilbert

Mm-hm.

Becky

Right?

Gilbert

Yeah, sure.

Becky

So what do you wanna do?

Gilbert

Oh, I, I don’t know. There’s not so much to do here really.

Becky

Oh, you can think of one thing. Think of one thing that people do here.

Gilbert

Um. . .

Becky

Thank you. It was nice meeting you.

Gilbert

Be nice.

Becky

Hello.

Bobby & Tucker

Hi.

Becky

Can I have yours and I’ll give you mine instead?

Todd Carver

No. No, he wants a big one.

Mrs Carver

You know something? The one on top of it is fine. That’s, that’s what. . .

Todd Carver

No, we want the big one.

Doug Carver

We want the big one.

Gilbert

Let’s go.

Todd Carver

Come on, get us the big one. Come on, Mom, please.

Ellen

Here you go, guys.

Mrs Carver

I. . .

Doug Carver

We want the big one.

Mrs Carver

Yeah, that’s fine.

Becky

Oh, it’s changing. That’s what’s wild about the sunset. It’ll just. . . change really, really slowly in front of your eyes. I love the sky.

Gilbert

Hm.

Becky

It’s so. . . limitless.

Gilbert

It is big. It’s very big.

Becky

Big doesn’t even sum it up, right? That, that word ‘big’ is so small. You’d have to get those really giant words to describe the sky.

Gilbert

Oh, um. . .

Becky

What?

Gilbert

I have to go do this thing, it’s kind of a family thing. Do you want me to give you a ride back, into town or do you wanna. . . ?

Becky

No, actually, I’m just gonna sit here.

Gilbert

I could come back. I mean, I can, I can come back then.

Becky

Really?

Gilbert

Yeah. Will you. . . You’ll be here, okay?

Becky

Yeah.

Gilbert

All right.

Becky

I’ll just sit here.

Gilbert

All right, I’ll be, I’ll be back in a little bit.

Becky

Okay.

Gilbert

Okay.

Arnie

Gilbert!

Gilbert

Hey, buddy, come on, gotta go. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

Arnie

Where’s the duck?

Gilbert

There’s the duck.

Arnie

I can’t see the duck anywhere. Find him. Look, look, where’s the duck?

Gilbert

Where’s the duck?

Arnie

It’s hiding.

Gilbert

Hm?

Arnie

Find the duck.

Gilbert

Arnie, I don’t have time for this. Lift up. Okay, good.

Arnie

Duckie.

Gilbert

Good boy. You know what? You’re such a big boy.

Arnie

Yeah.

Gilbert

You’re such a big boy.

Arnie

I’m a big boy.