ED
Okay, do I need any touch-up?
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY
I’m telling ya, eyelashes are the way
to go.
ED
(irritated)
Harry, we’ve discussed this a million
times. I don’t want to look like a
girl. I want to look like myself.
MAKE-UP MAN MARRY
(disgruntled)
Fine. Then you look beautiful.
Harry humorlessly powders Ed’s nose. Ed turns away and
suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone.
ED
PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA!
CAMERAMAN BILL
(nonchalant)
Rolling.
WIDE
Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and
behind a building.
ED’S VOICE
And — ACTION!
A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and
dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk.
Ed stops at a store window. He’s totally in shadow.
A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light
Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on
display, then silently walks out of frame.
A beat. Ed SCREAMS.
ED
And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET’S MOVE ON!
CAMERAMAN BILL
Don’t you want a second take, for
protection?
ED
(exhilarated)
What’s to protect? It was perfect!
Suddenly a police car turns the corner.
CREW MEMBER
Cops!
ED
We don’t have a permit. RUN!
Everyone grabs equipment and takes off.
WIPE TO:
INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS – DAY
The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There
are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela’s
set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is
perched high in his director’s chair, back in men’s clothes.
ED
The set doesn’t look right! It looks
too… empty. Clutter it up. Put
a skeleton in the corner. And what’s
that thing over there?
PAUL MARCO
I don’t know.
ED
Well it looks good. Let’s use it!
Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script.
GEORGIE
Ed! What’s with these revised
pages?! A scene in a smelting
factory? A buffalo stampede??
Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio
Beach??! What’s going on here? I
can’t afford to film this nonsense!
ED
Don’t worry. We’re not gonna film
any of it.
GEORGIE
Then how’s it gonna get in the
picture?!
ED
I know a guy in Universal’s stock
house — he’s giving me the footage
for free. This movie’s gonna look
like a million bucks.
Georgie nods. Oh, okay.
O.S. VOICE
Mr. Lugosi has arrived!
Ed jumps excitedly.
ED
Oh my God!
(he YELLS)
Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone,
when he walks on the stage
(nobody is listening; so Ed uses
his MEGAPHONE)
Now everyone, when he walks on the
stage, treat him normal. I know Bela
Lugosi is a world-famous star, and
you’re all a little excited, but
we’re professionals. So if you treat
him with respect, everything will be
alright.
AT THE STAGE DOOR
The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He
glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly.
Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm.
ED
Bela! It’s so great to see you!
(he glances at his watch)
And eight o’clock on the dot. Right
on time!
BELA
I am always on time.
ED
Of course! Well, we got a big day
planned for you… First, we’re gonna
start off a little easy, with you in
that armchair over there. Then, once
you’re up to speed and cooking, we’ll
reset and bring out the laboratory
equipment —
BELA
(he leans in and WHISPERS)
Uh, Eddie, do you have my money?
ED
Huh?! Oh yeah, of course.
Ed and Bela step over to a corner.
ACROSS THE ROOM
From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and
peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated.
WIPE TO:
LATER
Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does
his make-up. Harry glances at Bela’s arm, and it is full of
TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn’t say anything.
Conrad eagerly scurries up.
CONRAD
Mr. Lugosi, I know you’re very busy,
but could I have your autograph?
BELA
(cordial)
Of course.
Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it.
CONRAD
You know which movie of yours I love,
Mr. Lugosi? “The Invisible Ray.”
You were great as Karloff’s sidekick.
Bela’s face suddenly hardens. He snaps.
BELA
“Sidekick”?? “KARLOFF”?!!
Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph.
BELA
Fuck you!! Karloff doesn’t deserve
to smell my shit! That limey
cocksucker can rot in hell, for all
I care!!!
WIDE
Ed panickedly runs up.
ED
What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what
did you do?
CONRAD
(upset, close to crying)
Nothin’! I told him he was great.
BELA
How dare that asshole bring up
Karloff?!! You think it takes talent
to play Frankenstein?! NO! It’s
just make-up and grunting! GRRR!
GRRR! GRRR!
Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage.
Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch.
Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs
away. Ed leans in to Bela.
ED
You’re right, Bela. Now Dracula,
that’s a part that takes acting.
BELA
Of course! Dracula requires
presence. It’s all in the voice, and
the eyes, and the hand —
Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him.
ED
Look, you seem a little agitated.
Do you maybe wanna take a little
break, go for a nice walk… and then
we’ll come back and shoot the scene?
BELA
BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the
camera!!
The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them.
ED
Um, okay… roll camera
CAMERAMAN BILL
(unsure)
Rolling.
ED
Sound!
SOUNDMAN
Speed.
CAMERA ASSISTANT
Mark. Scene Thirty-One.
The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs.
ED
And… action?
It’s dead quiet. Nobody knows what’s about to happen.
WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And… he suddenly assumes character.
Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister
leer, then starts intoning threateningly:
BELA (as the SPIRIT)
“Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big
green dragon that sits on your
doorstep. He eats little boys!
Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails!
Beware. Take care. Beware!”
CLOSEUP – ED
He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement.
ED
Brilliant.
WIPE TO:
INT. STAGE – NEXT DAY
Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen
set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies’ wig and
earrings. She stares in disbelief.
DOLORES
How can you just walk around like
that, in front of all these people?
ED
Hon’, nobody’s bothered but you.
(he gestures)
Look around — they couldn’t care
less.
DOLORES
Ed, this isn’t the real world!
You’ve surrounded yourself with
WEIRDOS!
ED
Say it a little louder. I don’t
think Bela heard you in his trailer.
Dolores quiets down. She feels bad.
ED
Dolores. I need your help…
WIPE TO:
FILMING IN PROGRESS – LATER
A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as
Barbara) stare into each other’s eyes. He’s dressed normal,
and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater.
ED (as GLEN)
“My mind’s in a muddle. I thought
I could stop wearing these things.
I tried, honestly I tried…”
DOLORES (as BARBARA)
(tentative)
“Glen, I don’t fully understand this.
But maybe together — we can work it
out.”
She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and
gives it to Ed.
He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly.
ED
Music swells… and CUT and PRINT IT!
Ed and Dolores hug.
CUT TO:
INT. EDITING ROOM – DAY
On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores
taking off her angora and giving it to Ed.
WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the
movie. Ed smiles proudly.
ED
And we fade out. “The End.”
(the film runs out)
What do you think?
Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead.
GEORGIE
I think it’s fifty-seven minutes
long.
ED
Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it?
GEORGIE
(like a lecturing teacher)
Ed, what was the one thing I asked
you to do? Make it seven reels long.
I’ve got contracts with my
exhibitors. If it ain’t over an
hour, they won’t play it.
ED
Gee, I used every frame of film we
shot. Maybe they won’t notice.
GEORGIE
They’ll notice.
(beat)
Look, why don’t you let me take over
from here? I can do a few tricks:
Pad it out with more stock footage,
add establishing shots…
ED
Um, I guess —
GEORGIE
Good. And one more thing. I think
your “Written, Directed, and Starring
Ed Wood” credit is a bad idea.
ED
Why?! I did all those things! Hell,
I even built the props.
GEORGIE
And you did a bang-up job, too. But
you don’t want other producers to
know that’s you in drag. Trust me.
It’s a career killer.
Ed is quite upset.
ED
But I’m proud. I wrote, directed,
and starred in it just like Orson
Welles in “Citizen Kane”!
GEORGIE
Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn’t
wear angora sweaters, did he??!
Ed is beaten.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM – NIGHT
It’s the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people
are packed into a tiny screening room.
The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare,
and then: “Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA”
Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles.
Credits continue: “Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller”
The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out.
BUNNY
Daniel Who?!
Dolores leans in to Ed.
DOLORES
Ed, who is Daniel Davis?
ED
(sour)
Some weirdo who likes to wear
dresses.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER IN THE MOVIE
ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed.
DOLORES (on screen)
“Glen. Is it another woman?”
Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response.
But suddenly — MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo
stampeding. Bela’s angry face is superimposed over this.
BELA (on screen)
“Pull the string! Pull the string!”
IN THE AUDIENCE
People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval.
ON-SCREEN
Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly
cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man
whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large
stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a
hoochie-coochie dance!
IN THE AUDIENCE
The crowd is stunned.
CAMERAMAN BILL
I didn’t shoot that!
Ed looks back at Georgie, who’s wearing a big satisfied grin.
ED
Georgie, what’s with the stag
footage?? You said you were cutting
in establishing shots!
GEORGIE
I did. I established some tits and
ass.
Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie.
INT. PARTY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are
boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores.
Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a
lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD.
BELA
Wasn’t I something..? Did you see
how I command the screen?!
Ed’s giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer.
BUNNY
Ed, it was superb.
CONRAD
A great show! A little strange…
but great — especially my scenes.
ED
Just like I always promised. Now
you’re among the immortals. You’re
movie stars.
PAUL MARCO
(he raises his glass)
Here’s to Ed. For making us into
something.
It’s a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses.
Dolores kisses Ed.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE – DAY
We’re outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and
Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck.
ED
From today on, our lives are
different! We’ll be swimming laps
in the same pool Jean Harlow did.
DOLORES
I don’t know. It’s so much money…
ED
Who cares?! We’re on a ROLL! These
are the moments in life you’re
supposed to grab.
DOLORES
But Ed, we’re not even married. And
you don’t have a job.
ED
But you do! And anyway, I’ve got
tons of new scripts. And now that
I have a track record, studios are
bound to hire me!
She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly.
ED
Look on the bright side. If we miss
the rent, what’s the worst they can
do?
DOLORES
Toss us out on our ass.
ED
Exactly.
INT. BUNGALOW – DAY
The house is moved in. Ed’s unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up
Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an
angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a
bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby.
ED
How ’bout a western? People love
westerns.
BELA
But, I don’t like horses. Do I have
to get on one?
ED
Eh, forget it. What else is big?
(his face lights up)
Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah…
You got the juvenile delinquent, his
girlfriend from the wrong side of the
tracks —
BELA
Who do I play?
ED
Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father.
He’s angry! He doesn’t like seeing
his son — no — he doesn’t like
seeing his daughter behave this way!
BELA
(cautious, not to offend)
Well… can’t I play the romantic
part? I’m tired of always being the
bad guy. You know, back in Hungary,
I played Romeo! I would like to be
the lover again — me, in a boat,
with the girl…
Ed considers this.
ED
Sure. Romance, that’s great! To
engineer your comeback, we’re gonna
need a whole slate of pictures. Once
“Glen Or Glenda” takes off, we’ll
slam you into one, then another, then
another!
BELA
(he smiles)
That’s good. I could use the money.
ED
But we need to start off with a bang!
Something we know the audience will
want to see. Mmm. What was your
biggest hit?
BELA
(he thinks)
Hmm… my biggest hit? That would
probably be “Dracula.”
ED
Of course!
Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word “DRACULA.”
Bela frowns.
BELA
Those bastards at Universal. I made
so much money for them, and now I
can’t get the time of day.
ED
So let’s make another “Dracula.”
Let’s make “The Return of Dracula”!
BELA
We can’t. Those sons-a-bitches
control the rights.
ED
They do? Shoot. There must be a
way to get around that…
Ed’s mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at
it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period
after the “DR.” It now says “DR.ACULA”
ED
Ha-ha! Dr. Acula!
BELA
Dracula?
ED
No! Doctor Acula! You can still
wear the cape, have the fangs…
but you’re a doctor! Not a count.
BELA
Ah! This is very exciting.
ED
(inspired)
I gotta type this up, while it’s
still fresh!
Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page,
and starts typing.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE – DAY
We’re outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is
overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible.
He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD.
ED
Excuse me, I’m here to see Mr.
Feldman.
The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking
oil.
GUARD
What’s your name?
ED
Edward D. Wood, Junior.
The man frowns. He looks through his files — then finds a
parking slip with Ed’s name. He is surprised.
GUARD
Oh. Eh, he’s in the Executive
Building. You can park in the
reserved section.
Ed smiles.
INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM – DAY
The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors.
Ed sits nervously under posters for “GRAND HOTEL” and “QUO
VADIS.” Film cans labled “Glen Or Glenda” rest in his lap.
SECRETARY
Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now.
She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open.
INT. OFFICE
Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over-
caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling.
MR. FELDMAN
Mr. Ward, it’s a delight to meet you.
ED
(shaking his hand)
It’s Wood. Ed Wood.
MR. FELDMAN
Wood? Ward? Wood.
(puzzled, he glances at his
appointment book)
Hey, what do you know. It is Wood.
Dang secretaries, you can never get
a good one. Right?
Ed shrugs. Feldman grins.
MR. FELDMAN
So what are you bringing me? Looks
like you got some film cans.
ED
Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have
resumes to show. I’ve got my own
movie.
MR. FELDMAN
Really?! Well good for you.
ED
I just made this picture, over at
Screen Classics. It opens next week.
MR. FELDMAN
Screen Classics? Hmm, don’t know
them.
ED
Nobody in town has seen it, so I’m
givin’ you first crack at my talents.
MR. FELDMAN
I can’t wait to take a look.
(he claps his hands)
So what’s up next?
Ed leans in.
ED
Well, Mr. Feldman, I don’t believe
in thinking small. So I’ve got a
whole slate of pictures for you: “The
Vampire’s Tomb,” “The Ghoul Goes
West”… and “Doctor Acula”!
MR. FELDMAN
Doctor Acula? I don’t get it.
ED
Dr. Acula!
Ed writes it out, “DR. ACULA,” then waves it in Feldman’s face.
Feldman nods.
MR. FELDMAN
Oh, “Dr. Acula.” I get it.
(beat)
I don’t like it.
ED
But Bela Lugosi’s in it!
MR. FELDMAN
Lugosi’s washed-up. What else you
got?
Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps.
ED
Well… I’ve got another project I
wasn’t gonna tell you about.
Lugosi’s in it, but he’s got a
smaller part. The lead is an
ingenue, a sterling young actress
named Dolores Fuller. The title is
“Bride Of The Atom.”
MR. FELDMAN
Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like
it.
(he smiles)
I’ll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why
don’t you leave those film cans, and
my associates and I will take a look
at your little opus. Maybe we can
do business together.
Ed is elated.
INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM – DAY
Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush
screening room. They are viewing “Glen Or Glenda.”
ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie
speaks:
SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.)
“Give this man satin undies, a dress,
and a sweater… and he’s the
happiest man in the world. He can
work better, think better, even play
better — and be more of a credit to
his community and his government.”
ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES
They are stupefied. Yikes!
EXECUTIVE #1
What the hell is this?!
EXECUTIVE #2
Is this an actual movie?!
EXECUTIVE #1
It can’t be.
EXECUTIVE #2
It’s fuckin’ ridiculous!
Feldman squints at the screen.
FELDMAN
Wait a minute. That guy in the dress
— he’s the one I met with today!
This must be a big PUT-ON!
(he CHUCKLES)
It’s probably another one of Billy
Wellman’s practical jokes!
Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND – DAY
Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a “Los
Angeles Herald-Express,” eagerly opens it to the entertainment
pages… and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts
rifling through the pages — something is wrong.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Ed angrily shouts into the phone.
ED
Georgie, what happened?! I thought
“Glen Or Glenda” was opening next
week! Where’s the ads?
An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears.
GEORGIE
(pissed-off)
“Where’s the ads”?! The ads are in
Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You
schmuck, it ain’t gonna play L.A.!
ED
Why not??
GEORGIE
Because I can’t sell it to save my
life! You made a goddamn feathered
fish. Is it an art film, a horror
show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows!
I’m beggin’ people to book it.
ED
(insulted)
Maybe it needs special handling.
GEORGIE
Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more
money into different titles:
“Transvestite” “He Or She?” “I Led
Two Lives”… It DOESN’T MATTER!
Nobody wants to see the piece of
shit.
ED
You can’t talk that way about my
movie.
GEORGIE
“Your movie”?! I wish it was your
movie! I wish I hadn’t blown every
dime I ever made into this stinkbomb.
If I ever see you again, I’ll kill
you!!!
Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off,
leaving Ed standing alone.
Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up.
CUT TO:
INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The
crowd CHEERS raucously. We’re at the Saturday Night Wrestling
Matches!
In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny’s new YOUNG
MALE “FRIEND.” Seated around them are hollering truckers and
ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed.
BUNNY
So guess where I’m going next
weekend?
ED
I don’t know. Where?
BUNNY
Mexico! And guess what I’m going to
do there?!
ED
(not enjoying this game)
I dunno. Lie on the beach?
BUNNY
WRONG! I’m getting my first series
of hormone shots! And once those
babies kick in, they’re gonna remove
my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN!
Ed is astonished.
ED
Jesus! Are you serious?
BUNNY
Yes! I’ve dreamed of it for years,
but your movie made me realize I’ve
got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS!
The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face.
DOLORES
Ssh! Will you keep it down?
The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has
entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an
incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth.
RING ANNOUNCER (amplified)
Now entering the ring, in the gold
trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of
pure strength, the “Swedish Angel”…
Tor Johnson!!!
The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from
the SHOUTING.
Ed’s eyes are the size of saucers.
ED
My God, look at that guy. He’s a
mountain!
The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a
blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto
his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes.
People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted.
ED
I’ve never seen anything like him!
BUNNY
And once I’m a woman, Jean-Claude and
I are getting married —
ED
(eyes glued to the ring)
Ssh! He’s so big! He’s a monster!
Can you imagine what that guy would
be like in a movie?
ON TOR
He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over
his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs
get knocked over.
CUT TO:
EXT. WRESTLER’S BAR – NIGHT
A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is
squeezed inside — ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor
carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar.
INT. WRESTLER’S BAR – SAME TIME
This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in,
and men cheerily yell out: “Hey, Tor!” “Hi, Tor!” Tor grins.
In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow.
Ed waves from the corner
ED
Mr. Johnson, over here!
Tor smiles and lumbers over
ED
Glad you could fit me in your
schedule.
TOR
(in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT)
Da pleasure be mine.
They shake hands. Ed’s hands look like a baby’s in Tor’s giant
mitts.
Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can’t fit.
TOR
Could we moovf to table?
ED
Oh, of course!
Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy.
He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth.
ED
So, Mr. Johnson —
TOR
Tor!
ED
Tor. Have you ever thought about
becoming an actor?
TOR
(he CHUCKLES)
Mm, not good-lookink enough.
ED
I think you’re quite handsome.
TOR
No. With hair, yah. But I must
shave head for wrestlink. It scare
da crowds. Dey like that.
Ed smiles.
ED
Well, I think you’d be a sensation
in pictures.
TOR
But what bout accent? Some people
tink I haf too much accent.
ED
Nah, that doesn’t matter! It’s a
visual medium.
A WAITRESS saunters over.
WAITRESS
Tor, what can I get ya?
TOR
I’ll haf eight beers.
WAITRESS
(nonchalant, to Ed)
And you?
ED
Uhh, I’ll have just one.
She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl.
TOR
And more nuts!
Ed tries to grab Tor’s attention.
ED
So anyway, I’ve got this new script,
“Bride Of The Atom,” and there’s a
part you’re ideal for: “Lobo.” He’s
tough. A brute. But he has a heart
— and at the end he saves the girl.
TOR
(he laughs merrily)
I like. When do movie shoot?
ED
Hopefully, very soon. I’m just
awaiting the final okay from Mr.
Feldman at MGM.
CUT TO:
INT. ED’S BEDROOM – LATE NIGHT
Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed
fumbles for it and groggily answers.
ED
Wood Productions…
We hear Bela’s weak VOICE.
BELA (on phone)
Eddie… help me…
ED
Bela?
BELA (on phone)
Eddie… please come over —
CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed.
EXT. BELA’S HOUSE – LATE NIGHT
The wind is blowing. Ed’s Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a
coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela’s door.
ED
Bela?!
Ed tries the door. It’s unlocked.
INT. BELA’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees:
Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A
rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies
next to him.
The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent,
Bela looks up through half-opened eyes.
BELA
Eddie… my friend.
Aghast, Ed runs over.
ED
Bela, what happened?!
BELA
I didn’t feel well…
ED
Let me take you to the hospital.
BELA
No hospital. Just take me to the
couch…
Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the
room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and
robust, peers down.
ED
Should I call a doctor?
BELA
Nah. This happens all the time…
Ed puts a pillow under Bela’s head.
ED
Is there anything I can get you?
Water? A blanket?
BELA
Goulash.
ED
(distressed)
I don’t know how to make goulash.
Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause.
ED
What’s in the needle?
BELA
Morphine, with a demerol chaser.
(he starts crying)
Eddie, I’m so broke. I don’t know
what I’m gonna do…
ED
Don’t worry. I’ll do something.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE – MORNING
Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate.
ED (on phone)
Mr. Feldman! I haven’t been able to
get through, so I just showed up.
Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna
be working together?
(his face slowly falls)
Really? Worst film you ever saw…?
(beat)
Well, my next one will be better.
(beat)
Hello?
INT. ED’S HOUSE – DAY
Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He’s wearing angora.
ED
I’m no good.
DOLORES
Ed, it’s just one man’s opinion!
ED
Bela needs a job… I can’t even get
a film going…
(listless)
But of course I can’t — I made the
worst movie of all time.
DOLORES
That’s ridiculous.
Ed sighs.
ED
All I wanna do is tell stories. The
things I find interesting…
DOLORES
Well maybe you’re not studio kind of
material. Maybe you just need to
raise the money yourself.
Ed looks up.
INT. BANK – DAY
Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER.
ED
The movie is called “Bride Of The
Atom”…
INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats.
ED
…It will star Bela Lugosi. Each
of you would put up $20,000…
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone.
ED
Yes, that’s right. The Bela Lugosi.
He’s still alive.
(beat)
Huh? Is he available Friday night?
Gee, I suppose so… Why?
cut TO:
INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT
We’re backstage at a ‘5Os variety show. It’s exciting live TV:
Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of
hyped-up tumult.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is
in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They
both read off SCRIPTS.
BELA
“Greetings. I am the Count.”
ED
“Greetings. I am Slick
Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure.”
Audience laughs. Applause. “Say,
that’s a funny place to sleep.”
BELA
“It is my home.”
ED
“Oh, tract housing, huh?” Laugh.
“You need a new real estate agent.”
BELA
“Beg to differ. This casket
incarpratates, er, inporporates –”
Ed interrupts.
ED
No Bela, that’s “incorporates.” Look,
just say “This casket has…”
BELA
(upset)
Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian
to pronounce this dialogue? This
live television is madness!
An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in.
ASSISTANT
Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi.
INT. BACKSTAGE – MINUTES LATER
Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a
cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the
famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and
a turban and is acting mysterious.
HOST
And then what’s gonna happen?
CRISWELL
In 1960, the automobile will have
retractable wings, so it can fly.
HOST
Sounds like a heck of a way to beat
traffic.
Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically.
CRISWELL
By 1970, Man will have colonized
Mars. Millions of people will live
there.
Ed is mesmerized.
ED
Wow! Ain’t that something.
INT. STUDIO – LATER
We’re out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET:
Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks
onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He’s playing his “Slick” character,
a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight
around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There’s more
APPLAUSE.
BELA
Greetings. I am the Count.
HOST
Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz,
Seeker of Adventure.
The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE.
HOST
Say, that’s a funny place to sleep.
BELA
It is my home.
HOST
Oh, tract housing, huh?
(he starts AD-LIBBING)
I guess I shouldn’t complain about
my duplex in Burbank. What a dump.
Some places have a Murphy bed, this
place has a Murphy shower. I still
don’t know where to hang the towels!
The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He
seems incredibly confused.
BELA
Uh, beg to differ.
HOST
“Beg to differ?!” Hey, I’m talkin’
about my duplex in Burbank!
BELA
(terrified, groping)
Uh, Greetings. I am the Count…
BACKSTAGE
Ed covers his face in embarrassment.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO HALLWAY – LATER
The Host angrily storms past.
HOST
I told you we should’ve gotten
Karloff.
He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out.
ED
Bela, don’t worry. You’re better
than all this crap.
BELA
(distraught)
I never said I could ad-lib…
ED
Forget about it. We’ll make our new
movie, and you’ll be a star again.
They shuffle away… until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE
burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal
and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela.
CRISWELL
Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled
privilege to meet you. Allow me to
introduce myself… I am CRISWELL!
BELA
(morose)
It’s a pleasure…
CRISWELL
Ah, cheer up! Don’t lose heart over
what happened tonight.
(he points at his temple)
I predict that your next project will
be an outstanding success!
ED
Wow.
CRISWELL
And who may you be?
ED
Edward Wood, Sir.
CRISWELL
Ah. The director of “Glen Or
Glenda.”
ED
(startled)
H-how’d you know?!
CRISWELL
I’m Criswell. I know all.
Criswell winks.
CUT TO:
INT. MOCAMBO ROOM – NIGHT
Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping ‘5Os nightclub.
Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed,
Bela, and Criswell’s group. Everyone’s plastered and laughing.
Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER.
CRISWELL
Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.
Eddie will have another whiskey,
Dagmar’s a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha
and King are chablis — hey Bela,
would you like a wine?
BELA
No. I never drink — wine.
The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to
Criswell.
ED
Hey Cris, how’d you know we’d be
living on Mars by 1970? How’d you
know it wouldn’t be 1975, or even
1980?
CRISWELL
I guessed.
ED
I don’t understand.
CRISWELL
I made it up. It’s horseshit!
Ed’s jaw drops.
CRISWELL
There’s no such thing as a psychic.
People believe my folderol because
I wear a turban and a black tuxedo.
ED
It’s that easy?
CRISWELL
Eddie, we’re in show biz! It’s all
about razzle-dazzle. Appearances.
If you dress nice and talk well,
people will swallow anything.
Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom.
CUT TO:
EXT. BROWN DERBY – NIGHT
We’re outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large
Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE
step out and approach the DOORMAN.
CONSERVATIVE MAN
Excuse me. We’re here for the Wood
party.
DOORMAN
Ah, that would be in the Venetian
Room, sir.
The couple raise their eyebrows. They’re impressed.
INT. BROWN DERBY – NIGHT
A large banner says “BRIDE OF THE ATOM – NEXT YEAR’S SMASH
HIT!”
In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY.
All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns,
strutting about with flutes of champagne like they’re extras
in “The Great Gatsby.”
Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them.
ED
We’re gonna have the most terrifying
monster ever seen on film! A ghastly
creature created from an atomic
mutation!
BACKER’S WIFE
I don’t like scary movies. I go more
for ones with love stories.
ED
(without dropping a beat)
Well that’s what this movie is…
a heartbreaking romance! It’s about
a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in
love with a young cop, Dick Craig.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is
scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over.
ED
What do you think you’re doin’?!
CONRAD
These shoes are itchy.
ED
You can’t sit! You gotta walk
around, with good posture. You want
these people to think we have class.
Otherwise they’ll never invest in our
movie.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor’s giant arm.
AMAZED BACKER
Bernie, get a load of this guy!
TOR
(proud of his size)
Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54!
AMAZED BACKER
Whew! You’re quite a specimen.
(beat)
And you’re gonna be in the picture?
TOR
Yes. I play Lobo!
ACROSS THE ROOM
An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela’s hand.
HICK BACKER
Mr. Lugosi, I can’t believe I’m
meeting you in person. This is one
of the most exciting moments of my
life.
BELA
Thank you. And you are?
HICK BACKER
Charlie Johnson! I manufacture
toothpaste tubes.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone.
CRISWELL
I predict “Bride Of The Atom” will
be the biggest moneymaker of all
time!
In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER.
ED
And this is lovely starlet Dolores
Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.
SOUTHERN BACKER
And how much will this picture cost?
ED
In a normal studio it would be
half-a-million, with all their
wasteful overhead and fancy offices.
But because we’re more efficient, we
can bring it in for seventy grand!
SOUTHERN BACKER
Hmm. Well I’ll consider it…
EXT. BROWN DERBY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers.
ED
Goodbye! Goodbye!
BELA
(to Ed)
So how’d we do?
ED
(faking a big smile, but SOTTO
VOCE to Bela)
We didn’t make a dime.
IN THE PARKING LOT
A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer.
VALET
That’s twenty-five cents, sir.
The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs.
WIFE
I gave all my money to the
babysitter.
The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful
of PENNIES, and counts them out…
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES’S BACKYARD – DAY
Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and
drinking shots of whiskey. He’s in a woman’s pantsuit and
fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out.
DOLORES
Ed, the landlord called again. He
wants his money.
ED
Tell him “Bride” is in pre-
production.
DOLORES
Ed, the landlord doesn’t care.
ED
That’s the problem! Nobody cares
about my movie! I’m tryin’ so hard,
I don’t know what else to do!
DOLORES
Don’t get angry at me. Maybe you
just need a day job.
ED
(upset)
Dolores, don’t you understand? I’m
a director now! I made “Glen Or
Glenda.” Directing is my day job.
DOLORES
(irate)
All I know is, ever since “Glen Or
Glenda,” all you do is booze it up
and wear my clothes!
Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate.
PAUL MARCO
Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to
interrupt, but I got some big news.
ED
(dour)
Yeah…?
PAUL MARCO
Well my cousin Fred met this dame
from back East. She’s from “old
money,” and he thinks she’s loaded.
And here’s the kicker: She’s very
interested in the picture business!
ANGLE – ED
He slowly smiles. It’s like sun breaking through rain clouds.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
We’re at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with
pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress.
LORETTA
Pleased to meet you. I’m Loretta
King.
ED
I understand you just moved here?
LORETTA
Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting.
A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher.
WAITER
Water, Ma’am?
LORETTA
(suddenly freaking out)
No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I’m
terribly allergic to them!
The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in.
ED
So my associate Mr. Marco tells me
you may be interested in investing
in a motion picture.
LORETTA
Perhaps a small amount of money.
(she smiles)
How much do one of your motion
pictures cost?
ED
For this one, we need $60,000.
LORETTA
That’s all?? That seems very
reasonable for an entire picture.
Ed perks up. She’s a live one!
Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her.
ED
Perhaps you’d like to look at the
photoplay.
LORETTA
Oh my, this is very interesting.
(she skims the pages)
Say… do you think it would be
possible for me to maybe play one of
these parts?
ED
(very enthused)
Oh, of course!! There’s a couple
characters you’d be perfect for: The
secretary at the newspaper office,
or the file clerk!
LORETTA
Hmm. Those sound kind of small.
(stopping at a page)
Oh, here’s one that looks good: Janet
Lawton. I’d sure like to play her.
Ed blanches.
ED
J-Janet Lawton???
LORETIA
Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part
to play. She’s got some real meaty
scenes! Can’t you just see me in
that part??
CU – ED
He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at
Loretta, then slowly croaks a response.
ED
Uh… yeah…
(beat)
You’d be perfect.
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES’S HOUSE – DAY
We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside.
DOLORES (o.s.)
You bastard! You two-timing,
dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!!
INT. HOUSE – SAME TIME
Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects
she hurls at him.
ED
It was the only way I could get the
movie made!
DOLORES
Who do you think’s been paying the
rent?! Who helped type your script,
and did all your grunt work?!
ED
I’m sorry! What did you want me to
say?
DOLORES
I wanted you to say, “No! I wrote
the part for my girlfriend Dolores.”
ED
But there’s plenty of other parts.
DOLORES
Like what?!
ED
(nervous)
The secretary. Or the file clerk.
Dolores is stunned.
DOLORES
YOU ASSHOLE!
She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
The sets are being erected for “Bride Of The Atom”! The crew
hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises.
He has a large band-aid on his head.
ED
This is gonna be Bela’s laboratory,
so it should be real impressive!
Like one of those mad scientist
movies. I want beakers, and test
tubes, and one of those electrical
things that buzzes!
BUNNY
You mean a Tesla coil?
ED
If you say so.
Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake
gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script.
TOR
Edvard! I haf question ’bout script.
My vife Greta, she read. And she no
like.
ED
Really? Was the third act too
intense?
TOR
(trying to be polite)
No. She tink Lobo is waste of my
time. Lobo don’t talk.
ED
But Tor, it’s a starring part!
You’re second billed.
TOR
Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk.
But Tor, he no talk.
Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this.
ED
Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look
at the classic film actors, who are
they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They
didn’t talk! They did it all with
their face.
TOR
(still bothered)
But Greta say —
Loretta walks over, holding two dresses.
LORETTA
Eddie, which dress do you like
better?
ED
I don’t know.
(he yells o.s.)
Hey Bill, which dress is better for
you, the green or the red one?
Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints.
CAMERAMAN BILL
Which one is the red one?
ED
(confused)
What do you mean?
CAMERAMAN BILL
I mean I can’t see the difference.
I’m color-blind.
(beat)
But I like the dark gray one.
WIPE TO:
LATER
The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set.
ED
ACTION!
Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses,
the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction
through a megaphone.
ED
Okay, you’re Dr. Eric Vornoff.
You’re upset. You’ve worked so hard
on this experisent, and you don’t
want to see it fail.
(Bela stops, to “emote”)
No, you’re not that upset. You want
to keep moving. You wanna cross the
room.
(Bela exits)
Okay, CUT! BEAUTIFUL! PRINT IT!
Ed claps his hands triumphantly.
ED
Alright, let’s go immediately to
Scene 52. Tor, are you in place?
TOR’S VOICE
Yah.
ED
Okay, CUE RAINSTORM!
Behind the window, Conrad pours a watering can.
ED
And roll camera! ACTION!
Tor enters, but can barely squeeze his bulk through the door.
Finally he enters. Ed YELLS through the segaphone.
ED
Okay, you’re Lobo. You’re upset.
You’ve worked so hard helping Dr.
Vornoff on this experiment, and you
don’t want to see it fail.
(Tor stops, to “emote”)
No, you’re not that upset. You want
to keep moving. You wanna cross the
room.
(Tor exits)
Okay, CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT!
OFF STAGE
Bela talks to Tor.
BELA
At Universal, they shot two scenes
a day. Eddie can knock off twenty
or thirty! He’s incredible.
BACK ON SET
Cameraman Bill leans in to Ed.
CAMERAMAN BILL
Hey Ed, shouldn’t we do another take?
Big Baldy kinda got stuck in the
doorway.
ED
No, it’s fine. It’s real! In
actuality, Lobo would struggle with
that problem every day.
WIPE TO:
LABORATORY SET – LATER
They are back on the completed lab set. Beyond the bunsen
burners and beakers is a kitchenette in the corner.
ED
Wow, this lab looks great. Except
why is there a stove and
refrigerator?
PAUL MARCO
We couldn’t afford any more props.
If it seems weird, maybe you can add
a scene where they eat dinner.
ED
Nah, it’ll work. Where’s Bela?
Bela is asleep on a couch. Ed nudges him.
ED
Bela, are you ready?
BELA
(he groggily wakes up)
Mmph? Where am I?
ED
You’re shooting “Bride Of The Atom.”
Scene 85.
Bela nods. He stands up, then grimaces in pain. So he pulls
two BRIGHT LITTLE PILLS from his pocket and swallows them.
Ed walks Bela onto the lab set.
ED
You’ll be sitting on the right.
BELA
(he glares at the sparking Tesla
coils)
I’m not getting near that goddamn
thing. One of those burned me on
“The Return Of Chandu.”
ED
Okay. Then you’ll be sitting on the
left.
Ed turns to Tor and Loretta. She wears a wedding gown.
ED
Here’s the scene. Loretta, you’re
in a trance. You glide in and get
on the operating table. Now Tor,
you’re supposed to tie her down. But
you have an angora fetish… and
when you rub that swatch of angora,
it makes you refuse so Bela has
to discipline you.
TOR
Okey-dokey.
WIPE TO:
SHOOTING – LATER
The scene begins.
ED
ACTION!
BELA (as VORNOFF)
“Now we are ready for the girl.”
Bela does his patented hypnotic arm wave. He actually has a
powerful intensity. Loretta staggers in, eyes glazed. Like a
zombie, she climbs onto the operating table.
BELA
“Dear, you are a woman of super
strength and beauty. A lovely vision
of exquisitely beauty — shit!”
(he breaks character)
Damn! Eddie, I’m sorry I can’t
remember all this. I’m an old man.
It’s too long.
ED
That’s fine, Bela. We’re still
rolling. Just say “Dear, you’re
lovely.”
BELA
(he snaps back into character)
“Dear, you’re lovely.”
(he turns to Tor)
“Strap her to the table.”
Tor starts to tie Loretta down, then gets distracted by a piece
of angora hooked to his waist. He rubs it lovingly, calmed,
then suddenly refuses.
Bela is furious.
BELA
“Do as I command you!”
Bela pulls out an oversized BULLWHIP and starts WHIPPING Tor.
Tor screams in agony.
BELA
“I’ll teach you to disobey me!”
Bela chases Tor around the set, WHIPPING him.
ED
And, CUT!!! Impeccable!
ON TOR
He dances about happily.
TOR
I love being movie star!
Tor jubilantly hugs Loretta. She grimaces.
LORETTA
Ow. Not so hard, Tor.
ON ED
A SURLY STAGE MANAGER strides over to Ed.
SURLY STAGE MANAGER
Hey, Wood. Your check bounced.
ED
Okay, I’ll get you the money later.
SURLY STAGE MANAGER
No. I need it NOW.
Ed nods grimly. He grabs Loretta and takes her aside.
ED
Sorry to bother you while we’re
shooting, but the guy who owns the
stage needs his money.
LORETTA
Well then you should pay him,
shouldn’t you?
ED
(he smiles)
Yeah. Exactly!
There’s a pause. They stare at each other.
ED
I kinda need it now.
LORETTA
(baffled)
What are you looking at me like that
for? I already gave you my
three hundred.
ED
Yeah. Well I need the other
sixty-thousand.
LORETTA
What other sixty-thousand?
ED
The other sixty-thousand you said
you’d give me.
LORETTA
You misunderstood. I gave you
everything I have in the world:
Three-hundred dollars.
CLOSEUP – ED
He looks like he s going to throw up.
ED
Oh my God.
CUT TO:
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
The large stage door SLAMS shut.
Ed’s disoriented cast and crew stand in the street. Bela, Tor,
and Loretta are still in costume.
Ed looks totally dazed. He blinks in the bright sunlight.
CUT TO:
INT. BROWN DERBY – NIGHT
We’re back at the Brown Derby, for another backers party. The
same banner is hanging: “BRIDE OF THE ATOM — NEXT YEAR’S SMASH
HIT!”
The whole crowd is there, dressed up. Bela sits in the corner,
knocking back a drink.
BELA
Here we go again.
Paul whispers to Bunny.
PAUL MARCO
So is Dolores coming?
BUNNY
(very catty)
I can’t imagine why. I wouldn’t put
up with a boyfriend who sold me out
for three-hundred dollars…!
ON ED
Ed stands with a circle of POTENTIAL BACKERS. He has an edge
of desperation we’ve never seen before.
ED
…lemme tell you, you can’t lose.
It’s scary! And if you don’t like
that, it’s romantic! Bela Lugosi
portrays Dr. Vornoff, and lovely
ingenue Loretta King is reporter
Janet Lawton.
POTENTIAL BACKER
Hmm. Lugosi looks pretty old.
(he squints across the room)
Which role is Vampira playing?
ED
Vampira…?
(bewildered)
Why do you ask??
POTENTIAL BACKER
Well I see her standing over there.
The guy points. Ed turns and looks and Vampira is standing
in the next room. She’s at a different party.
ED
Well… she’s playing —
(beat)
Could you excuse me one moment??
Ed dashes from the room.
NEXT ROOM OVER
Vampira is drinking with a bunch of artsy-fartsy types. She’s
in street clothes, but clearly recognizable. Ed runs up.
ED
Excuse me, Miss Vampira?
VAMPIRA
Yes?
ED
(sweaty)
You don’t know me, but my name is Ed
Wood. I’m a film producer. I’m
currently in production on a
science-fiction piece, with Bela
Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor
Johnson. And I saw you here, and I
thought: Kismet!
Vampira stares, totally uncomprehending.
VAMPIRA
I don’t understand. Do you want my
autograph?
ED
No. I think my film is perfect for
you.
VAMPIRA
You want me to show it on my TV
program? Well I got nothing to do
with that. You should call up the
station manager at Channel Seven —
