Benny & Joon Script - Dialogue Transcript
Transcript written by and used with the courtesey of Angela Sugden
Randy
So we're planning our next vacation, right. I want Australia, she wants Italy. I like, snorkeling. She likes garlic. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me, do I need her? Jesus Benny, what kind of a question is that? I mean need, what does it really mean to need somebody?
Eric
Benny, fuel line.
Benny
Hey, Waldo, could you answer that phone?
Waldo
Yeah, hello?
Postman
I need a cheque, Benny, C.O.D.
Benny
In a minute, meet me in the office.
Postman
All right.
Benny
Whoa, put that out, put that out, put that out. I got a fuel line broke.
Waldo
Hey, Benny, Joon's on the phone again.
Benny
Well tell her I'll call her back. Find out what she wants.
Waldo
It's an emergency. She says you're running low on peanut butter super chunks.
Benny
An emergency. . . All right, the issue is jelly, you only like two kinds. You either like grape or poison berry, which? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter, I know, super crunch, all right. I'll see you at six, okay. Bye. Hi. Thanks for waiting, ma'am. Erm, I'm afraid the best we can do for you is going to be, erm, seven-fifty. But I think if you check around you'll see that that is a really good deal.
Woman
Yeah?
Eric
That is a real very good deal, ma'am. A little too good. . .
Woman
Let's do it.
Joon
You're not doing your job! What is your job anyway?
Mrs Smail
My job is to clean this house, but I'm not doing it any more!
Joon
Get out of my sight!
Mrs Smail
You wouldn't dare, Joon!
Benny
What is going on here? Joon! Mrs Smail! Mrs Smail, please.
Mrs Smail
Beware, the winds of reason shall blow stern.
Benny
What?
Mrs Smail
I'm done, Mr Pearl, I'm done! The mule's turned to glue, she wanders off unescorted. She has sudden outbursts. She is simply unmanageable.
Benny
Mrs Smail! Please, wait, please. Let me talk to her. I can talk to her, you can't quit on such short notice.
Mrs Smail
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a saying, when a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken.
Erin (phone)
Oh, come on! You have to come, we can't play three in a poker game.
Benny
Listen, she's going to be alone every day until I find another housekeeper, I'm not leaving her alone at night too.
Eric (phone)
Listen, bring her, what's she going to do? She paints and she reads.
Benny
Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire.
Eric (phone)
That happened once. Look I got a fire extinguisher, just bring her.
Eric
Now get your ass over here, and don't forget the Louis Pring record you owe me. Remember, always play for keeps. Right?
Benny
All right, all right, all right, yeah, I'll be there. Okay. Joon, dinner! Spaghetti and salad?
Joon
In that order?
Benny
What happened between you and Mrs Smail?
Joon
She was given to fits of semi-precious metaphors.
Benny
The woman is a housekeeper, Joon, not an English professor.
Joon
She moves things.
Benny
She said you wandered off. Did you leave the house alone?
Joon
Define alone.
Benny
You know full well what I'm talking about. Listen, while I'm at work I can't be worried about whether or not you're knocking another housekeeper into retirement. First it was Mrs Larksburg.
Joon
A woman deeply and hygienically disturbed. Her hair smelled.
Benny
But then it was Mrs Piltz.
Joon
Piltz? The answer's in the question. Let's face it, Benjamin, hiring housekeepers is not your forte.
Benny
Oh yeah? Well until I do find another housekeeper, you are going to stick close to the house. Understand? Now have some salad. Oh by the way, I want you to come with me to my poker game.
Joon
Benny. . .
Benny
Come on, you'll have a good time.
Man
Erm, web belt and buckle.
Mike
Classical Greek martini shaker.
Benny
Six turkey-feather darts.
Thomas
I'll see you with the Diana Durban album.
Benny
Come on.
Thomas
And I'll raise you with the stethoscope.
Mike
Does it have little, er, plastic earpieces on the end?
Thomas
What do you care? You never win, Mike!
Mike
Well if I do, I don't want them, stabbing my eardrums. Steering wheel knob.
Eric
Salad shooter.
Benny
Fifty-six Plymouth tyre iron.
Thomas
Foldo.
Mike
Well you must have a good hand, huh?
Benny
No, I'm bluffing.
Mike
Really?
Benny
Come on, you got to play to find out, come on.
Mike
Okay, a hundred and fifty feet of coaxial cable. Show them.
Benny
Full house, Jacks over fours.
Eric
Oh shit.
Mike
I thought he was bluffing.
Thomas
Will someone get some air to his brain? He was bluffing about bluffing Mike.
Mike
You're a real pal, Benny. I tell you what, I got a solution to your housekeeper problem, you can have my room-mate.
Joon
Oh, that's a terrific offer Benjamin. Save you from the wretched chore of Smail shopping. Those places are such drudgery, aren't they? Montgomery and Smail, Smails and Roebuck, Smails 'r' Us. . .
Benny
Joon. You got a room-mate? When did you get a room-mate?
Mike
Since last week. My cousin pounded into town and my life's gone from heaven to hell in seven days.
Thomas
Just like the good Lord intended.
Mike
Yeah, twenty-six years old, he can't even read. He spends all day polishing my plastic forks.
Eric
When you say he can't read, what do you mean? Like words?
Mike
Yeah, and he keeps me up all night watching stupid old movies. My work's starting to suffer.
Joon
You install cable TV.
Benny
Joon, will you please glue your sequins.
Joon
Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?
Benny
All right, can we make this the last hand? Come on, come on, play cards.
Eric
Two tickets, tomorrow nights baseball game.
Benny
One Pocket Fisherman.
Thomas
Fold.
Benny
Do you ever stay in?
Mike
Snorkel mask.
Social Worker
She really knows how to rattle the day help.
Benny
You know, I think we need to find someone more understanding than Mrs Smail.
Social Worker
Now tell you something. How are you two getting along?
Benny
Us? Fine, normal, you know, fine. Why?
Social Worker
I'll level with you. I think it's time you gave some serious consideration to a group home.
Benny
She already has a home.
Social Worker
Benny, she'd be with her peers.
Benny
Yeah, she hates her peers. She has already quit two the day centres to prove it. Look, all we need right now is a new housekeeper.
Social Worker
Well I know of no one else. You've been up and down the list. Now you might want to entertain the possibility that there's some people, more capable of handling these episodes than you. I am beginning to think that that you two living together may not be the best thing any more.
Benny
I'm her brother, and I'm her only family. And we've done just fine, the two of us for twelve years.
Social Worker
Yes, but her stress level is always a factor in her display of symptoms. Her agitation should be kept to a minimum.
Benny
Everybody gets agitated. Sometimes it's the only option.
Social Worker
Benny, don't get me wrong, I'm impressed how you've managed this long. But a group home would give her a chance to develop other relationships. Also, we don't know this, but, what if she were capable of a part-time job? They'd encourage her in that direction. These are very nice places - nurturing, supportive.
Benny
I'm not farming her out.
Joon
I have every right to be outside officer. I have every right.
Police Officer
Yes, ma'am. May I see some ID please?
Benny
Hey, Waldo, did you start that brake job yet?
Waldo
Joon called. She says that you've run out of tapioca.
Benny
She what?
Waldo
Oh, and the police will corroborate.
Benny
Holy shit. Listen, Jack, you wanna go to the baseball game tonight?
Jack
Hey, thanks, Benny.
Benny
Box seats. Hello? Joon? Time for your meds, Joon. Good night, Steve. Oh, hello. How's it going?
Woman
I appreciate the deal on the engine.
Benny
Oh yeah, no problem. Is it running all right?
Woman
Yeah, it's running great.
Benny
Oh, good.
Woman
So, er, can I erm, can I make it up to you with some dinner?
Benny
Some dinner? Erm, you serious?
Woman
Yeah, dinner with you.
Benny
Erm, you know what, I can't. I mean I'd like to, but. . .
Woman
Okay.
Benny
Okay.
Eric
Stupid. Stupid.
Benny
Eighteen, fifteen.
Joon
Seventeen, sixteen.
Benny
Eighteen, fifteen!
Joon
It caught the corner.
Benny
It was a foot off the table.
Joon
It was not.
Benny
Juniper.
Joon
Benjamin. Don't underestimate the mentally ill, we know how to count.
Benny
Okay, fine, seventeen, sixteen.
Joon
You can't give me what was already mine. You're trying to cheat.
Benny
I'm not cheating.
Joon
You're cheating.
Benny
Joon, I don't cheat. You're the one who's cheating.
Joon
You're all trying to cheat me, you're trying to cheat me.
Thomas
Yeah, all right, I spoke to some of the guys on the staff, Benny. Nobody wants to be a housekeeper. I will keep trying, but I got to tell you, honestly, I don't think so.
Benny
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye. Okay, Stevie. I mean, I can't even keep a goldfish alive. What chance do I have with Joon? If something bad happened to her I'd. . . I'd never ever be able to forgive myself.
Eric
A group home is the right thing for her, Benny.
Benny
Yeah, this is definitely for her own good.
Eric
Hey, it's for both your own good. How much longer can you do this to yourself? You're life is literally passing you by.
Benny
You're right. You're right. What am I doing with myself? I spend my life working on cars and taking care of my sister. I can't even have a relationship without having to worry how Joon is gonna fit in.
Eric
You know, once she gets settled in, you could actually take a vacation. Travel a little. I can hold down the fort, no problem.
Benny
Travel? Travel?
Eric
Benny, there's a whole world out there, man. I mean, picture yourself on the open road, wind in the hair in the El Camino. Highway stretching out b. . . what's that? Up ahead? A lovely motorist. Stranded. Carburetor trouble. Better investigate.
Benny
Yeah, right, I'm going to be stopping at a pay phone every fifteen minutes to call Joon to see how she's doing.
Mike
Okay, let's see, Black Sabbath over there.
Thomas
You got that flash light?
Mike
It's not a flash light. It turns out it's a brush kind of thing. Here's a hat, Benny.
Thomas
Where's the batteries?
Mike
You, you didn't win any batteries. What are you talking about? Who gets the ice nudies?
Thomas
Those are mine.
Mike
Okay. Hey guys, come on, hurry it up, huh. Or we'll start without you.
Joon
I've been known to play a little cards.
Mike
Box of thirty-ought-six cartridges.
Joon
Medium sized green haired troll.
Thomas
Soap on a rope, slightly used. Cards?
Mike
Three.
Thomas
Cards?
Joon
Two.
Thomas
And the dealer takes. . . three.
Mike
Pass.
Joon
Re-grout my shower. Blue grout.
Thomas
I fold.
Mike
Shampoo my dog. Lava lamp.
Joon
Scrape and paint the exterior of my house.
Thomas
Hey, hey, come on slow it down you guys, okay. This is supposed to be reasonable stakes.
Joon
That's a see and a raise, you follow me?
Mike
You take my cousin off my hands.
Thomas
Wait, wait, wait. Just stop. All right. Benny's gonna strangle you guys.
Joon
Chill out, Thomas.
Benny
Joon, we've gotta go.
Mike
A flush. Full house. Yes, yes! Oh Benny, tonight's your lucky night.
Thomas
Mike warned it was for keeps, Benny.
Benny
What? What was for keeps?
Joon
I lost.
Benny
What's in the pot?
Joon
A cousin.
Mike
Hey man, rules are rules, without then there's no order in the universe.
Benny
Oh don't you give me that crap. You took advantage.
Joon
Of your sick sister. A heart flush is a perfectly respectable hand.
Mike
Not respectable enough.
Benny
Hey, shut up Mike. I am not taking this guy home.
Mike
You have to man. Remember the bet I lost last year? When I had to re-plate your socket set. I didn't back out, did I?
Benny
You can't bet a human being.
Mike
Oh, well, if you're going to be a baby about it.
Benny
All right Mike. You want to play like that? I'll take him. I may not be responsible for what I'm going to do to him, but I'll take him.
Mike
Oh man. What are you doing you stupid jerk?
Sam
Oh, there's something wrong with your car.
Mike
What did you do with my hub caps?
Sam
I don't know. I'm Sam.
Benny
So I hear. I'm Benny.
Sam
With an N?
Benny
Yeah. Two of 'em. This is Joon.
Sam
With an N?
Joon
One. You're out of your tree.
Sam
It's not my tree.
Benny
I think I need a beer.
Mike
Hey, Benny, wait a minute! Where you going? Come here man, give me a jump. Hey! You're going with them.
Benny
Oh! God bless you.
Ruthie
Hey pal, we're trying to work here, if you don't mind.
Sam
Oh my God! I've just been looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him? He's a cute guy with a little mole on his right cheek.
Man
Hey, Ruthie, one of your ghosts come back to haunt you?
Sam
Oh! Oh Brad! Oh Brad! Brad, please don't be dead. I never got a chance to tell you what you meant to me. Oh Brad, please! It's you, you're you, Ruthie Mallenak. Co-star of The Prom Queen Mutilator with Dick Beebe.
Ruthie
You saw that?
Sam
He was mine! He was mine! No Cindy, you're sick. Cindy you need help! No, Cindy! No! No! No! No!
Joon
No. Don't. . . don't touch it.
Sam
It's paint.
Joon
Yes.
Sam
Kirk Douglas. Van Gough. Ear.
Benny
These are yours. You can sleep here, all right? Come on it's late. Let's brush your teeth and hair.
Joon
I can brush my own teeth Benjamin.
Benny
Fine.
Joon
Hair too.
Benny
Perfect. Come on.
Sam
Oh. Oh, Benny. Hey Benny. Thanks for the couch. Erm, Mike made me sleep under the sink.
Benny
Oh. You're welcome. Good night.
Sam
Good night. Mentally ill. Really?
Benny
Yeah. But I mean, don't worry about it. But just, er, let her go about her routine, you know. Her routine is everything to her. Oh, and don't hang around her room while she's painting. She hates that.
Sam
No.
Benny
She runs hot and cold on you, just ignore it. That's just the way it works. Oh, listen, erm, she starts talking to herself, don't worry about it, but don't answer.
Sam
Okay.
Benny
She sometimes hears voices in her head. That comes with the territory too. And, erm, just make sure that nothing, and I mean nothing, happens to her.
Sam
Okay.
Benny
Okay. All right.
Joon
Having a Boo Radley moment are we?
Benny
Good morning.
Eric
Hey.
Benny
This today?
Eric
Yeah. So, erm. . . So what did you do with the cousin? The bus station? The river? What? You throw him in the river?
Benny
No, I took him home.
Eric
You took him home?
Benny
Yeah.
Eric
To your house?
Benny
Yeah, to my house.
Eric
What are you, crazy?
Benny
Hey, believe me, it's only temporary.
Eric
Great. Hey, maybe he can tell Joon about the group home.
Benny
Listen, if I'm going to do this group home thing, I got to figure out the best way to tell her, you know what I mean? Where's Waldo? Is he not here yet?
Eric
No.
Benny
All right, that's it. I'm going to have a talk with him.
Eric
No, you're not.
Benny
Yes I am. I'm calling him right now. What's his phone number?
Eric
Five, five, five, zero, nine, four, four.
Joon
Aah! Too loud! Too loud!
Sam
Aah, what? What? Oh!
Benny
Hey. Where's Sam?
Joon
I didn't mean to kick him out. I mean I didn't kick him out, he just, he just left.
Benny
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What happened? Did something happen?
Joon
He just, he just left. He was, he was, in the air and, and, and with a thing and, it was really loud. It was really loud. And all, I, I just kept seeing. . . He didn't mean to do it.
Benny
Do it? What? What, did he, what did he do?
Joon
He cleaned the house.
Benny
And you kicked him out for that?
Joon
Maybe I should invite him back in.
Benny
Yeah. Before someone sticks a stamp on his head and mails him to Guam.
Joon
Some cultures, are defined by their relationship to cheese.
Benny
Is that a fact?
Joon
He can really cook, can't he?
Benny
Uh-uh, yeah. Although, for grilled cheese, I might've used the wool setting.
Joon
That's what I told him.
Benny
Really? What, what did he use?
Joon
Rayon. Silk would have been too soggy. Cotton would've. . .
Benny
Would've burned it.
Joon
Right. Fortunately he consulted me before giving it steam. I was four square against it. I wish he could be me new Smail.
Benny & Joon (singing)
The melodious songs of the blessed, And our spirits shall sorrow no more, Not a sigh for the blessing of rest, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore.
Benny
Good night.
Joon
Good night. You need some help? Dear Mom, I've departed Mikes with love and gratitude, and am now living with Benny and Joon Pearl, two magnificently devoted new friends. Benny's pre-disposition to hyper-tense Irish monologists notwithstanding, he has given me a job as a domestic engineer and seems pleased with my performance so far. Love, Sam.
Sam
Wow, I didn't know I could talk like that. Tapioca?
Joon
Oh. Yeah.
Ruthie
Okay.
Sam
Thank you Ruthie.
Ruthie
You're welcome Sam. Let me know if you need anything, okay?
Sam
You don't like raisins?
Joon
Not really.
Sam
Why?
Joon
They used to be. . . fat and juicy. And now they're twisted, like they had their life stolen. Oh, they taste sweet, but really they re just humiliated grapes. I can't say I'm a big supporter of the raisin council.
Sam
Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The one's that sing and dance and stuff.
Joon
They, scare me.
Sam
Yeah, me too.
Joon
It's sick, the commercial people, they make them sing and dance so people will eat them.
Sam
It's a shame about raisins.
Joon
Cannibals.
Sam
Yeah. Do you like avocadoes?
Joon
They're a fruit, you know.
Sam
Ruthie, do you got any avocadoes?
Benny
Joon?
Joon
You're very pretty when you're off work Ruthie.
Ruthie
Thank you. Maybe I should quit my job, huh?
Benny
Where the hell have you two been?
Ruthie
Oh don't worry, they were with me. We were just running some errands.
Benny
Oh, hi. How you doing?
Ruthie
Hi.
Benny
Running errands? You ran an errand?
Joon
Yes I did, I ran an errand.
Benny
Oh look.
Joon
They're both named Steven. One with a V and one with a PH.
Sam
Look, look, look! Ruthie's movie.
Joon
Yes. And she's staying for dinner too.
Benny
Come on in. Come on in. So why'd you leave?
Ruthie
LA? I wasn't that good of an actress.
Benny
Well that's not how Sam tells it. He's raving about you.
Ruthie
Yeah, well he's sweeter than he is judgmental. How long have you known him?
Benny
Sam? Erm, seventy-two hours.
Ruthie
Be serious.
Benny
I am, serious.
Ruthie
Really?
Benny
I'm always serious. I'm too serious. Did you ever get to the point in your life when nothing makes any sense?
Sam
Brad? Brad? Quit kidding around. This isn't funny any more.
Ruthie
Can we turn this off? Can we just turn this off?
Benny
No!
Sam
Why did you do this? You're sick. You need help. Let me. . . Don't. He was mine. He was mine! And if I can't have him, no one can. Not even you. You didn't have to buy that same dress. But you're my sister, Cindy. I'm sorry about me and Brad. We didn't mean to fall in love at the party. . .
Benny
Sssh.
Sam
. . . boys, other midnight swims, other prom dresses. Cindy, no Cindy!
Benny
Try it again. Now, see there's only two reasons a car won't start. Either you're not getting fuel or you're not getting fire. You've got fire. I think you'd better let me drive you home. Sorry.
Ruthie
Thanks. Here it is. It's right here.
Benny
Second job, huh?
Ruthie
Yeah. Got to make those ends meet, you know.
Benny
This is just how I imagined your place. Well. . .
Ruthie
You wanna come in? Or you, you wanna. . .
Benny
Oh. No, I'll come in, for a minute. Whoa! What is this? Nice porch.
Ruthie
Pretty nice fish Joon gave you.
Benny
Oh yeah, those fish. Yeah I was shocked I was. . . Nice fish, I mean, yeah.
Ruthie
I never had a fish.
Benny
What? Not even as a kid?
Ruthie
No. Under privileged childhood, I guess.
Benny
Down-right un-American, if you ask me.
Ruthie
Yeah.
Benny
You can have one of mine, if you want.
Ruthie
No, I couldn't, I couldn't possibly. I mean they were a gift.
Benny
But, you know, you could borrow it. You know, we could share it. Like joint custody. You could take it on the weekends, you know. What is this? Wow!
Ruthie
Sit down son, you're making me nervous.
Benny
Oh.
Ruthie
Want a beer?
Benny
Yeah. You know what? I'd better not. I gotta get going. I better get going, okay?
Ruthie
Yeah, okay.
Benny
I'll take a rain check on the beer.
Ruthie
Okay, I got the doors.
Benny
Do you want to go to dinner?
Ruthie
Ever been married?
Benny
No.
Ruthie
Yeah.
Benny
Yeah? Great. See ya.
Ruthie
See ya.
Benny
See ya.
Social Worker
See you next week.
Joon
Right, thank you.
Social Worker
Benny, would you come inside a moment?
Benny
Sure.
Social Worker
Who's the new housekeeper?
Benny
The new. . . oh! This. . . friend, just came to stay with us for a while, but. . .
Social Worker
Joon tells me he's a man.
Benny
Well you know Joon, how flowery she gets with words.
Social Worker
So. . . she's lying? I mean, is it a man, or isn't it?
Benny
Well, yes, technically. He's really just a guy, a friend.
Social Worker
So where does this leave the group home decision? I take it you haven't talked to her about it yet.
Benny
No, not yet.
Social Worker
The admission date is less than a week away.
Benny
But you see, the thing is she's really doing fine. She seems content. Let's just leave it at that for now.
Social Worker
Let me know when you want to talk to her about it.
Benny
I'll let you know. Okay. Bye.
Store Owner
Hello.
Sam
I wanna help.
Store Owner
Ah, wonderful. Okay. If you'd like to fill out this application, I'll be right with you.
Benny
Not so hard.
Joon
Wow. You actually have cuticles.
Benny
I know. It's amazing. What the hell is he doing?
Joon
Mashed potatoes. So are you and Ruthie considering item-hood? Are you? Benjamin and Ruthamin sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage. . .
Benny
Get out of here.
Joon
. . . then comes little Ruthamins and Benjamins and a baby carriage.
Benny
I'm just taking her out to dinner.
Ruthie
That's a good joke.
Benny
You like that?
Ruthie
Uh-uh. What time you got?
Benny
It's eleven.
Ruthie
On the nose?
Benny
Right, exactly.
Ruthie
I don't think I've ever asked anybody the time before and had it been right on the nose.
Benny
That's weird, isn't it? It's, right on the nose.
Ruthie
Do you. . . Do you want to come in for a while? I erm, I got that beer waiting for you.
Benny
Erm. You know what? I should probably go.
Ruthie
Okay.
Benny
Listen, erm. Can I, can I tell you something?
Ruthie
What?
Benny
Erm, you see, my life is just real. . . complicated, and. . .
Ruthie
Give me a break Benny. I just offered you a beer, okay?
Benny
No.
Joon
Why don't we pick up Ruthie, and get some ice-cream?
Sam
Yeah, let's get her.
Benny
No.
Sam
Why?
Benny
'Cos, she doesn't want to talk to me.
Sam
Oh.
Benny
Come on, we should go. Knock it off. He is. . . He's incredible. He's amazing.
Joon
Did you have to go to school for that?
Sam
No. No, I got thrown out of school for that.
Joon
Really?
Sam
Oh yeah.
Benny
Hey, listen. Why don't you guys go on ahead? I'm gonna. . . I'm just gonna hang here for a while.
Sam
Okay?
Joon
Really?
Benny
Yeah. Go ahead. I'll see you at home, later. All right?
Sam
Okay.
Joon
Okay.
Benny
That was. . . that was great.
Sam
No, no, no.
Benny
Thank you.
Sam
Thank you. Bye bye. Joon?
Joon
What?
Sam
I, I love you.
Joon
Me, too. Don't tell Benny.
Sam
Okay.
Benny
Did you see the way you had everyone in the palm of your hand? Huh? You've got this gift, and you shouldn't ignore it, you should be out there doing something with it.
Sam
Like what?
Benny
I don't know, all I know is I looked at you and I said 'This guy is something else'. You're special. You're not some regular schmoe like the rest of us, who do what we do because we have to do it. You're blessed.
Sam
Benny?
Benny
What?
Sam
How sick is she?
Benny
She's plenty sick. Now listen to me, I've been doing some thinking.
Sam
Because, you know, it seems to me that, I mean, except from being a little mentally ill, she's pretty normal, you know?
Benny
Do you realise you could be the next Buster Keeton? I'm telling you, Randy. Listen to me, you've got to see this guy. Tell him Eric.
Eric
He's funny.
Benny
He's truly amazing. Will you see him?
Randy
Yeah I'll see him.
Benny
You'll see him?
Randy
Yeah, you never know. You know most of these guys work locally, but some of them, the better ones, you can book in the out of town clubs.
Benny
You book them out of town?
Randy
I book 'em all over. I book 'em in Detroit, Boston, sometimes LA.
Benny
Whoa! Really? Can you see him tonight?
Randy
I'd love to see him tonight.
Benny
Hi.
Ruthie
Is my car ready?
Benny
How you doing? Oh come on in, come on in. Erm, listen, erm, I want to apologise for the other night. It all came out wrong.
Ruthie
No. No, it's okay.
Benny
No I do.
Ruthie
How's my car?
Benny
Oh, it's running great. Your fuel pump was shot, I threw in a new one. It's running great.
Ruthie
How much do I owe you?
Benny
Er, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just give me thirty bucks for the part, I'm not going to charge you for the labour. All right? Okay?
Ruthie
Yes.
Benny
Listen. If you're not doing anything later, I just lined up this thing for Sam.
Ruthie
What thing?
Benny
Well it's kind of like an audition. You know? Maybe his chance to make a living at all this crazy stuff that he does. Who knows? Maybe he could travel, play clubs. I don't know, you know? So if you're not doing anything later and you feel like. . .
Ruthie
Er, I don't know Benny. I got food to deliver, apartments to rent. My life's pretty complicated right now, you know? Thanks. Bye.
Benny
We'll lay out the whole routine right after dinner. You know what you could start with? Do you remember the, the roll thing you were doing in the diner?
Joon
Who died and made you Ed McMahon?
Benny
What's your problem? This is his chance to do something, be somebody.
Joon
He is somebody.
Benny
Yeah I know, but he wants to be more.
Joon
You don't know what he wants.
Benny
I know he doesn't want to be a housekeeper for the rest of his life. If you're worried about getting a new Smail, don't worry about it, we'll get a new Smail.
Joon
He's not my Smail.
Benny
Housekeeper, whatever.
Joon
We have to tell him.
Benny
What? Tell me what?
Sam
Err, Benny. . . Joon. . . and, er. . . and I. . . are, er. . . you know?
Benny
Bullshit. You. . .
Sam
No, no.
Joon
Don't.
Benny
Get the fuck out!
Joon
You can't throw him out. I won him.
Benny
Just settle down. You just settle down.
Joon
I love him!
Benny
Yeah? Well you are crazy!
Joon
I am not crazy.
Benny
You see what we've come to? You see?
Joon
I hate you. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you. I hate you.
Benny
Can I get you, anything?
Joon
Tapioca.
Benny
Tapioca? Okay. Anything on it?
Joon
Raisins.
Benny
Okay.
Joon
Hi.
Benny
Hi. How you doing?
Ruthie
You're out late.
Benny
Yeah. Listen. Do you have any tapioca?
Ruthie
Jeez Benny, I've heard a lot of lines in my life, but. . .
Benny
No, no, no it's, it's not for me. It's, it's um, for Joon.
Ruthie
Come on in.
Benny
Yeah?
Ruthie
Yeah.
Joon
I don't hear you. I can't hear you.
Sam
Joon. Okay?
Joon
Yeah.
Sam
Good, good, good.
Joon
I'm not. No, no, I'm not.
Sam
Okay? All right? Hold tight, okay? Sssh. It's okay. It's okay.
Joon
I am not! I am not! I am not!
Sam
Sssh. Sssh. Come on.
Joon
Shut up!
Sam
No, no, no, no. Sssh. Sssh. Joon, please, come on.
Joon
No, it's not all in my head.
Sam
Sir? Sir! Stop the bus please! Please stop the bus! It's okay.
Joon
I don't want to talk to you! No!
Sam
Joon.
Medic
All righty, all righty. You want to step out?
Sam
Yeah okay, okay.
Medic
How you doing hon? Huh?
Joon
You think I don't know who you are? I know just who you are. So just leave, leave. Leave! Don't you touch me! Don't touch me!
Benny
Joon? Joon!
Man
Stay back.
Benny
Look, I am going to see my sister. Now would you please just tell me her room number?
Woman
Please sir, could you just come back in the morning.
Benny
Let me talk to her goddamn doctor!
Social Worker
I'm sorry. She doesn't want any visitors. Not you or anyone else.
Benny
She doesn't want to see me?
Social Worker
No, and she doesn't want to leave. Benny why don't you go home? Get some sleep. I promise I'll keep in touch.
Benny
I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy with what you have done to her. You just stay, the hell away from my sister.
Sam
No. No.
Benny
Wanna know why everyone laughs at you Sam? Because you're an idiot. You're a first-class moron.
Sam
You're scared, Benny.
Benny
I'm what?
Sam
You're scared. I can see it. And I know why? I used to look up to you. But. . . now I can't look at you at all. I think that the Fred Astaire is the way to go.
Woman
Yeah?
Sam
That's a good choice.
Woman
So, now who was that woman who starred in the Roman. . .
Sam
Audrey Hepburn.
Woman
Yeah. Sam, thanks a lot.
Sam
Have a nice day. Can I help you?
Benny
Yeah, I hope so.
Thomas
Hi, Benny.
Benny
Thomas. How is she? Tell me the truth.
Thomas
She's been better, Benny.
Benny
All right, well you've got to tell me what room she's in.
Thomas
Three-thirty-five. But don't even think about it Benny. It's a closed ward. No visitors.
Sam
No we've gotta find Joon. Please.
Benny
Thomas, you've gotta get us in there to see her.
Thomas
It's impossible Benny
Benny
What, what, what do you mean, it's impossible? Listen, I just need two minutes with her.
Thomas
Benny, I'll get fired.
Benny
Thomas, I'm begging you, as a friend.
Thomas
I'd love to help out Benny, but Garvey's going to be in there to check on her soon. My hands are tied. My hands are tied!
Benny
What room did he say?
Sam
Three-three-five.
Benny
Shit. What are you doing?
Sam
Mommy?
Orderly 1
What are you doing here?
Orderly 2
I don't think you're supposed to be in here.
Orderly 3
What room did you come out of?
Orderly 1
Get the door. Get the door.
Orderly 3
How'd he get past security?
Orderly 1
Hey, watch the door.
Benny
Joon. Look, I know you want to be left alone, but, you do not belong in here. Now, how would you like to try, living in your own apartment?
Joon
An apartment?
Benny
Yeah. There's an apartment available in Ruthie's building.
Joon
You'd let me live in an apartment?
Benny
That's up to you. I'm through making those decisions for you. Listen, I. . . I'm sorry I was such a jerk. And about Sam, I was wrong. I was dead wrong.
Joon
I scared him away.
Benny
No, you didn't. He's here.
Joon
He is not.
Benny
He's here. He got me in here. He's somewhere in the building.
Joon
He is not! You'd never let me have him. God. Why do you hate me so much?
Benny
I don't hate you.
Joon
You need me to be sick.
Social Worker
Juniper Pearl's chart, please. Thank you.
Thomas
Hey, wait! Wait Wally! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wally put him down. He's mine. I've been looking for him.
Orderly 1
You sure?
Thomas
No, no, it's okay. Yeah I'll take care of him. Sam, Sam, Sam, you can't be in here.
Sam
Where's Joon's room?
Thomas
Come on.
Sam
I, I, I've got to see her.
Thomas
Come on, come on.
Social Worker
Can you give me any reason why I shouldn't have you arrested?
Thomas
It's that one.
Sam
Yeah.
Thomas
See?
Sam
Okay.
Thomas
Sam, where you going?
Social Worker
Benny, this is exactly what we were trying to avoid. By now Joon would be in a caring and controlled environment. Isn't it obvious now that you two need some distance?
Benny
Why don't we ask Joon what she wants?
Thomas
Sam what are you doing? Hey Sam come on! Get down right now!
Joon
I don't know exactly what I want. I do know. . . that I am tired of everyone telling me what to do.
Thomas
Sam, come on down! Don't touch that. Sam, leave that. I'm begging you.
Social Worker
Joon, we want what's best for you.
Joon
I know that. I. . .
Thomas
Sam, come down now! Sam, you're going to get in trouble!
Joon
I think I want to try living in my own apartment.
Social Worker
Hmm, I don't know.
Thomas
Sam stop swinging!
Social Worker
But I'm willing to let you try. I'll prepare the papers for her release.
Benny
Thank you Dr Garvey.
Thomas
Come down! Right. . . Sam! Whoa! Whoa! Are you okay?
Sam
Ouch, ouch.
Benny
I know. Me, too. I'm going to check you out. Okay?
Joon
Okay.
Ruthie
Haven't we tried this before?
Benny
Yeah, but my life's a lot less complicated now. Is Joon inside?
Ruthie
Yeah.
Benny
Yeah? Okay.
